to tell xp that his finances are not my problem

[thatisall]

Where to start?
XP and separated almost 7 years ago on weird terms (he was a cheat and a manipulative one) we remained uncomfortable friends if that makes sense. After several months of 'friendship' for dd sake but no maintenance/support at all, I contacted the CSA.

He was incensed that he had to pay 200 towards her every month. His payments have not been reassessed since then.

A few weeks ago whilst speaking to the CSA about a missing payment (he had paid, they had not passed it on) they suggested we check a few details were still correct as it had been so long. The fact that he changed jobs a few years ago was logged as a change.
When I say he changed jobs, he went from working in a call centre to something with what would now appear to be much better pay. I am confident, CONFIDENT that he told me he had already told the CSA.

Anyway today xp arrives to collect dd and 'wants a word'. It seems his pay has gone up dramatically and the CSA feel he may need to pay more and that as he is responsible for updating them he may have to pay the difference for the last 3 years.

XP asked me to tell them to stop the reassessment and agree to him paying an extra few quid per month (20 was his suggestion) directly to me without CSA involvement and to forget any debt that may have been accrued. He then implied that if I allowed the CSA to properly reassess him then the debt may be so large that he would struggle to be able to afford to see dd and then she would suffer and all because 'i want his money'.

This tells me that he knows he has been underpaying and quite dramatically by the sound of it. I'm bit that XP is still trying to manipulate me or that he thinks he still can! For years he could get his way by saying 'just think of what that would do to dd' or 'for dd's sake' but really it would be for his sake.

I don't want dd to suffer or miss seeing her df but i refuse to believe that times would be so tough that he couldn't afford to see his child!? Or that the CSA would enforce payments that would cause that??

Anyway in a shock move even to me, I remained cool as a cucumber and said 'with all due respect, this isn't my problem'

Honestly this is so unlike me that he was visibly taken aback. He picked up the CSA letter, announced that he would speak to a legal person and left with dd.

I'm struggling to sleep now wondering if i am being cold, spiteful or even cruel. Am i causing problems where there don't need to be any? We could definitely use that extra money however much it is.
The fact that I can't sleep also makes me wonder whether I am once again being manipulated

Am I being unreasonable?

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Broken.

There is no need for the op under any circumstances at all to evidence her spending.

There is also no need for her to pacify her ex.

He has a legal obligation to pay the minimum amount the csa tell him to and to keep them up to date on circumstance changes. No ifs buts or choice about it.

What the op decides to do with that payment is nothing to do with him.

[BrokenSunglasses]

That's fine if that's how other people feel, but personally, if I was someone who didn't live with my children and I was handing over money for their care, I'd want to know that it was being spent on them. Whether it went on school shoes, ballet lessons or on paying extra rent for the child to have a bedroom wouldn't matter, as long as it was for their benefit.

What's wrong with that? Isn't that what any loving and involved parent would want to know?

I don't think that being a PWC makes me completely untouchable, I think I have a responsibility to make sure that money given to me by my co parent is spent on our children, and having to show that wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

[Turniptwirl]

Yanbu at all!

Apart from the petrol he can take dd out for free or extremely cheaply if he wanted to.

It's not your problem at all! He has knowingly been under paying and now it's caught up with him and he's having a tantrum about it

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Its not a view point its a legal fact.

And no its not what a loving and involved parent does with regard to another decent parent it Is what someone with control issues does.

Unless of course we are talking about neglect.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Oh and as long as the child is having his/her needs met and not going without the pwc can get the csa payment and spend it on vodka and strippers if they want.

Because they are funding the child anyway so it does not matter exactly what money is used on what.

[Lweji]

If you only see the child once a week, or once a fortnight, do you really deserve to know how all the money is spent on a child?

Unless you are prepared to actually spend time with that child, stay out.

If a parent is trusted to take care of a child 70-90% of the time, she can also be trusted to manage the money.

[Viviennemary]

I think that you telling him his finances aren't your problem was a bit inflammatory I'm afraid even if it's probably true. I wouldn't like to be told that. The best thing is to not get involved and just go through the CSA.

[BrokenSunglasses]

Fair enough, other people see it differently and that's fine. All I was doing was making a suggestion and sharing my own experience of an arrangement that works extremely well because I thought it might help the OP if her ex is being difficult.

The thread isn't about whether or not a PWC should have to keep receipts to show NRPs or not, and I don't want to derail. So how about we just accept that my experience of a situation won't help OP in her situation and leave it there?

[Lweji]

It should not only be backdated, but with interest, and a fine... :)

[thatisall]

Vivienne I've been manipulated by this man so many times! He has dd now and I have reorganised a trip with her so that he can have her today as a few days ago he revealed that if I didn't change MY plans so he could have her this weekend, he wouldn't be able to see her until the end of sep.
Not wanting to prevent my dd from seeing her df I changed our plans. I bend over backwards to make sure this man gets to see his child and the more I think about it, the more I know that I said the right thing.

Potentially I did spark the reassessment as I've said in earlier comments and I will tell him that if he asks me .
He's made a mug of me over the years I won't have him make a liar of me too.
What should I have said to avoid being 'inflammatory'?

[Viviennemary]

Well it sounds as if you bend over backwards to make sure he is having a good relationship with your dd. I suppose what I meant was is that people don't really like having the truth spellt out to them. Because it makes them feel guilty. So please disregard what I said. And he shouldn't be doing these threats of not seeing her if you can't do this that or the other. Sorry I posted without thinking it through properly. You have been more than reasonable.

[thatisall]

Sorry if I sounded a bit roooaaar Vivienne. Getting quite good at being feisty these days it seems lol

[ivykaty44]

excellent - good for you. I would stick to the same tact - if he threatens you with anything with his manipulative ways

then

with all due respect that is your choice

would be a follow up reply

[TensionWheelsCoolHeels]

Would you also be happy to lay bare your own finances to your ex, in the interests of being 'fair & reasonable' then needs?

[TensionWheelsCoolHeels]

Sorry, that should be needaholiday.

[thatisall]

If he ever asked what I spent the money on I'd advise him that £50 per week barely covers the cost of bus travel (I don't drive) to school and back and clubs, play dates parties etc.
So food, clothing, accommodation, central heating, electricity etc etc is essentially covered entirely by us!
But he's never asked what I spend it on, only made casual comments about how unfair it is.

[ivykaty44]

the law though doesn't agree with you needaholdiay and no Resident Parents has to explain where or how they spend the money and Op can say "get your solicitor to send a letter outlining what you want to know" - as she doesn't have to answer or just a simple "no"

[EasyMark]

I think you did and said the right thing, good on you.

You should come up with a sentance to back it up like "Im sorry to hear that but its none of my business" or "I think you need to take that up with CSA as I cant help you" or "I dont want to change our arrangment and im happy with the CSA so could you take it up with them?"

With regards to his threat to not see your dd you need a sentance that puts it back in his court "If you feel thats the best choice for you but I know dd will be upset not to see you as often" so you take yourself out of the picture and show him it only affects him and dd. "With all due respect thats your dession to make"

Stay strong and dont react to his threats

[EasyMark]

Would you expect the NRP to tell you what he/she spent on the child when in their care?

[TensionWheelsCoolHeels]

What happens when you disagree then needsaholidaynow? You spend money on something, then your ex gives his view/opinion/objection? Do you think that helps maintain an amicable relationship? I don't. Because the very fact you are no longer a couple means you won't always see eye to eye on everything to do with your DC. Allowing someone (you are no longer in a relationship with) influence over your financial decision making IMO creates more problems than it solves.

The fact is, no explanation is necessary unless there are issues of neglect. You might be happy to lay bare your finances to your ex/vice versa but there is absolutely nothing wrong with keeping that sort of information private, particularly from an ex, even if they are paying maintenance.