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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To NOT go on the family holiday?

81 replies

Spidermama · 25/08/2013 18:33

Dh has been away working abroad for seven and a half weeks. We have four children who've been on school holidays for the last five of those and I work full time. 5am til 12.

(I'll just let you take that in.)

So ... DH is due back late tomorrow night and early on Tuesday morning we're due to go to France together. Only, I've had enough. I've held it together for the entire holiday. I've failed to manage to get them to significantly help. They've been rude and have argued all holiday. I've felt so alone but I've had to keep it together.

Anyway, I really need to be on my own. The looming 'holiday' involves going to a chalet in the Ardèche with DH and my four tormentors, self-catering. I really don't think it'll be much of a holiday even though DH says he'll do the lions share of the work.

AIBU to let them all go away together and bond while I stay at home and try to stabilise my mental health back?

OP posts:

thenightsky · 25/08/2013 19:33

Stay home. I would. I have. It will be fab - you, wine, ready meals and total control of the telly.

MrsMcEnroe · 25/08/2013 19:34

Spidermama, I remember your OP a few months ago about your DH's looming work trip away and what to do with the DCS ... First of all, congratulations on surviving it!

Secondly - don't go to France, and don't have sofa-surfing friend to stay. By the time your husband and children get back from France, you may even be missing them and will be able to welcome them all home in a relaxed and happy manner.

And then get medieval on their asses re. house rules!! At their ages, they are all old enough to help around the house. You could spend part of your child-free time compiling spreadsheets and lists of chores for each of them, and coming up with suitable punishments for non-compliance .... hands over the

magimedi · 25/08/2013 19:38

YANBU

Stay at home. Your DH sounds lovely - let him have some 'quality time' with the DCs.

Go & buy & & M&S meals & recline on the sofa or go out getting mullered with friends or watch boxed sets & enjoy a week to yourself.

You need this time for you.

Original poster

Spidermama · 25/08/2013 19:38

Last time I was home alone I enjoyed crisp and fragrant bed clothes, a level of quiet which enabled me to hear the neighbours for the first time in ten years, and a veg curry I cooked and spun out for three full days. I was living the dream.
Now THAT'S what I call a holiday.

OP posts:

FoodieToo · 25/08/2013 19:38

Explain the issue to your friend. She will definitely understand.

Don't feel a bit guilty for not going. You will be a better parent for the break.

And your kids might bloody appreciate you more. Explain to them you feel you cannot go away as you are unbelievably shattered and stressed from caring for them alone for weeks and also because of their refusal to help out etc.

Kids tend to think parents are superhuman. Let them see you are not.

You must be run ragged,working those hours etc. I hope you get a rest.

Original poster

Spidermama · 25/08/2013 19:42

I like your thinking re spreadsheets MrsMcEnroe and getting medieval. I'd already contemplated a week alone plotting how to stop this rot. I honestly don't know why they're this bad and it's not through lack of trying on mine and my husband's part, but I'm prepared to do a masters degree in sorting it out. I guess we must be doing something wrong.

OP posts:

magimedi · 25/08/2013 19:46

You need a week to yourself to sort it out.

FFS - your DH has offered - GO FOR IT!

(And I know I am SHOUTING )

ExitPursuedByABear · 25/08/2013 19:47

Stay at home. I remember your thread about your DD and camp. You sound frazzled.

Enjoy the break.

MrsMcEnroe · 25/08/2013 19:51

I don't think you're doing anything wrong. I just think you're overwhelmed!

I would just calmly say that Dad wants to spend some time with them as he has missed them, and that you need a rest as they haven't been pulling their weight. Then smile calmly and wave them off flicking a V-sign at them as soon as they are out of sight

Original poster

Spidermama · 25/08/2013 19:52

OP posts:

BIWI · 25/08/2013 19:56

And - FFS - BOOK AN ALL-INCLUSIVE HOLDAY IN THE CARIBBEAN NEXT YEAR!!!

swlmum · 25/08/2013 19:58

Just being nosey but which chalets are you meant to be going to in the Ardeche? We've been the last 2 years and it was really fab. If it's the same place I'd go but go on strike when you're there....

Flappingandflying · 25/08/2013 19:59

I disappea off to a certain health spa a couple of times a year. It just enables me to survive. I think your kids, particularly the older two, need to know that you are near the edge and that this can't go on. This would be a message to them far stronger than any words. Let husband take them. The older two might pitch in and become more responsible or they might not and he will get shouty which might just make em think twice.

Wine, peace, books, no housework, no one to bloody feed. Sounds like heaven. How many mumsnetters can you fit in?

greenfolder · 25/08/2013 20:01

stay at home- tell friend you no longer need her to dog sit.

tell kids that they are ungrateful.

my older 2 do feck all- i do not blame myself at all. they will have left home soon (18 and 16) and they can spend the rest of lives clearing up after themselves or festering in their putrid homes- i care not.

Original poster

Spidermama · 25/08/2013 20:10

Love you Greenfolder.

swlmum I don't know. The folder is downstairs and my eyes are too puffy to go down and look at the moment. DH booked it through a company called Summer Camps I think.

OP posts:

liquidstate · 25/08/2013 20:14

Do it! Stay at home and recharge your batteries.

Am currently at home whilst DH is on holiday in Cornwall with his family. We don't have kids as yet but I imagine I will do the same even then. I have had a busy summer with work and illness and studying.

The house is a mess and I have a row of empty wine bottles on the shelf for recycling! Am nicely relaxed.

Hassled · 25/08/2013 20:16

My motivation in sorting out my crap teens has mostly been imagining the shame I will feel when they have partners and the partners hate me because I've allowed them to be crap for so long. Now I'm a MIL myself and apologise a lot to my lovely DIL for DS1's crapness (she seems pretty long-suffering). As motivations go, it's pretty fucking tragic.

Anyway - the more I think about it, the more I think you need to week off for the whole family's sake, not just your own. Long-term, you're doing them a favour.

Original poster

Spidermama · 25/08/2013 20:19

You're right. They probably need the break from me just as much. Even if they don't, fuck 'em!

I've taken the advice.

OP posts:

Almostfifty · 25/08/2013 20:22

If it's camping, stay at home.

If it's a Gite, then go. Tell your lovely children it's YOUR holiday, they've been on holiday for five weeks, and that they're doing all the clearing up and sorting out while you chill.

Then you and your DH get a bottle of wine and watch them clear up. Every day.

Go out to eat at least once a day and try to relax.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 25/08/2013 20:22

Hmm..., that's a difficult one. I suppose it depends on a lot of things. Like, do you get much time together as a family ? Will your dh definitely do all the work or is he just saying he will? How do your holidays usually go? Everyone whingeing and shouty or does it put everyone in a good mood?

Personally (and I don't do you working hours so it can't compare), I would go as: dh works long irregular hours so we like our time together. family time with him there is
COMPLETeLY different from me havinf sole charge. my kids are usually in a good helpful mood on holiday. There is plenty of vino and g&t to relax. Dh is great and a big help. If there is something I don't want to do like spending all day sliding down slides in water parks then he will take the kids and let me read a book all day. So I DO get my relaxation even on self-catering holidays. Also a change is as good as a rest sometimes.

Only you know how your family holidays usually run. So only you know how stressful it would be going with them.

ModernToss · 25/08/2013 20:38

If your husband's not going to sulk unmercifully, staying at home is absolutely the right thing to do.

Actually, it's the right thing to do even if he does sulk.

greenfolder · 25/08/2013 21:32

oh god, please don't go- the idea of 4 kids suddenly pulling their weight on a holiday is laughable.

stay home and drink wine- they might even miss you and be a teeny bit grateful when they get back.

CaptainSweatPants · 25/08/2013 21:41

Will it be the last year your 15 yr old wants to go on a family holiday though ?

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/08/2013 21:59

"DH says he'd love me to go but will fully understand if I don't."
SO that tells me that you've discussed it with your husband, and he recognises the problem. On that basis - DO NOT GO ON THE FAMILY HOLIDAY. You sound very down, I think some solitude would be the right thing just now.

Tell your friend that there has been a change of plan, you needn't go into details, but DO NOT feel obliged to allow her to stay. Wave your family off and leave your DH to it, he will manage. It's also possible that you not going will have a sobering effect on your ungrateful brood. 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder' is not a cliche for nothing.

as appropriate :)

bronya · 25/08/2013 22:10

Go to your mum's. Lovely, quiet, pleasant adult company (hopefully, if you get on?), who will look after you. Perfect!

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