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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

something dh said has really upset me

81 replies

kalms1971 · 25/08/2013 15:10

Ds has ADHD. We removed the computer tablet because he was not getting dressed. He started kicking, punching dh and dh really lost his temper and said if he keeps doing this then he will be sent to live in another house. Second time he has said it. I spoke to him before and said he must not say that. Our ds is adopted and needs security!

OP posts:
Justshabbynochic · 25/08/2013 15:12

Sad Sorry, OP.

KellyHopter · 25/08/2013 15:14

That's not on at all.
What did he say after you spoke to him about it last time?

murasaki · 25/08/2013 15:15

Oh that's awful, your poor DS.

Agree with Kelly, does he not see that the threat of the removal of security is mroe likely to make your DS get upset? It's very cruel of him, even if in temper. What did he say when you told him not to last time?

Fairylea · 25/08/2013 15:15

Wow :( that's awful.

I'd be telling dh that if he says that ever again HE can go and live in another house.

LyraSilvertongue · 25/08/2013 15:16

That would have been bad enough if he hadn't been adopted. What is your dh thinking? the poor child must have been through so much insecurity in his life. Poor DS.

Numberlock · 25/08/2013 15:16

Very sorry to hear that? How old is your son and how long since you adopted him?

MammaTJ · 25/08/2013 15:17

I agree with Fairylea, say in no uncertain terms, in front of your DS that your 'D'H would be going to another house before he does.

Numberlock · 25/08/2013 15:17

Sorry don't know where the random ? came from. Should have said:

Very sorry to hear that.

LyraSilvertongue · 25/08/2013 15:18

Last thing the child needs is to be worried that your home isn't the secure haven he thought it was. That can only make his behaviour worse.

DragonsAreReal · 25/08/2013 15:21

Is it one if those things that perhaps got shouted to him by his parents? My parents were always saying things like they would ring the children's home or police and ok I don't say that but a lot that comes out my mouth makes me go argh that's my mother speaking!

pumpkinsweetie · 25/08/2013 15:28

Sad That is really not on, we all say things in the heat of the moment but what he said could have a determental affect on a boy who has been adopted. This may scare him into think he is going to be put back into careSad

Original poster
kalms1971 · 25/08/2013 15:40

Adopted.at 10 months. He is now 7 and still trying to understand

OP posts:
Numberlock · 25/08/2013 15:45

How is your relationship with your husband apart from this incident?

Justshabbynochic · 25/08/2013 15:46

You know, thinking about this, I would question whether your DH has properly bonded with your DS?

I'm not an expert and have no adopted children but it seems like, to your DH, your son is still a temporary, rather than permanent member of your family if he's saying stuff like that without thinking.

Apologies if I am way off the mark!

Juniperdewdropofbrandy · 25/08/2013 15:48

Blimey tell 'd'h to live elsewhere!

LynetteScavo · 25/08/2013 15:48

I think your DH may have heard it as a child. Sad

I would go absolutely Angry (Not helpful, sorry)

Fairydogmother · 25/08/2013 15:49

YANBU

I'm adopted and was threatened with this when I was a child. I'm in my 30's now and even thinking about it makes me feel Sad

You need to have a pretty candid word with your DP

Original poster
kalms1971 · 25/08/2013 15:50

I do 99% of childcare. He works 9-5 and makes a lot of excuses why he cannot physically play with ds. Sciatica, infected toe, tired, knee not strong enough from several operations. I never leave them alone together because it always ends in tears. Just had our anniversary( 20 years) and it was a non event. No flowers, I had to arrange a day out for us with ds

OP posts:
sonlypuppyfat · 25/08/2013 15:51

Everyone says things in temper that they don't mean, It was a very poor choice of words but doesn't mean that he means it.

AnneUulmelmahay · 25/08/2013 15:58

Why end in tears every time they are left together? Tell us more

Yanbu, no child should hear this

cushtie335 · 25/08/2013 16:08

No wonder you're upset. I clearly remember my parents telling me I'd be "put in a home" when I misbehaved. I totally and completely believed this and it used to fill me with dread and fear. There was a children's home up the road from us and some people who lived there went to my school so the threat was very real to me.

He needs to think about what he's saying and cease and desist with this nonsense right now.

themaltesefalcon · 25/08/2013 16:12

I second the poster who said to tell your DH to go and live somewhere else.

Who could say such a terrible, unforgivable thing to a seven-year-old? Any seven-year-old, but especially your precious adopted son? It's calculated to hurt him and probably you as much as possible.

Fucking prick. Angry

MrsRajeshKoothrappali · 25/08/2013 16:14

My mum used to tell me that she didn't want to be my mum any more and I was being sent to a children's home.

There would then be a phonecall made and I'd be sent to pack.

Hmm

I don't really feel any emotional attachment to my mum because of this (and a few other things). I do spend time with her but I'm not sure I love her. Certainly no more than I love some of my friends.

Honestly? I'd get shot of the DH. Sorry.

:(

Tailz · 25/08/2013 16:17

I'm disgusted by your husband. I am adopted and to be honest, what your husband said is possibly the v worst thing that could ever be said to any adopted child IMO.

I'm finding it hard to express in words quite how much that would have hurt me (at any age as a child let alone 7 fgs). In your situation I would leave without even a second thought but that's based on my experiences.

It is unforgivable and I would question your husbands relationship/bond with your son.

LyraSilvertongue · 25/08/2013 16:32

It doesn't sound like he's bonded at all. Was he keen to adopt or did he just go along with it?