something dh said has really upset me

[kalms1971]

Ds has ADHD. We removed the computer tablet because he was not getting dressed. He started kicking, punching dh and dh really lost his temper and said if he keeps doing this then he will be sent to live in another house. Second time he has said it. I spoke to him before and said he must not say that. Our ds is adopted and needs security!

That's pretty cruel and unforgiveable. It's not as though it was a slip of the tongue either seeing as he's said it before.

And making excuses not to play with him?

:(

My 3 are adopted. The most important thing of all to me is to make sure they understand that they aren't going anywhere.

My DS is similar age to yours, he's now 8. And I brought him home aged 23 months. If I ever mentionned senidng him away he'd be completely distraught and I don't think he would ever be able to move past it :( He's already insecure and has had huge seperation anxiety in the past. Any suggestion on my part about making him go into care would really really damage him :(

I'm shocked your husband doesn't have the self control or empathy to prevent this. And I would make it clear to him how utterly unaceptable it is to say anything of the sort and I would also reassure your DS that you will never send him away anywhere and that mummy will always be with him.

It seems to me from your posts that your husband has been having problems for some time, either with bonding to DS or life in general. Has he spoken to anyone about this? Post adoption depression or just depression later on can make some people disconnect and withdraw? Or maybe it's something else entirely but it seems to me that he really needs to engage more with DS and to do that he will need to actually confront whatever issues he is having. And to do that he needs to admit if there's someting wrong

God that's awful.

I've threatened to remove ds from his current school and send him to the one he dreads if he doesn't pull his socks up and/or stop whining about trivial bollocks, my own mum used to claim she'd send me to the 'naughty children's home' - neither is/was taken seriously. But in your husband and your son's situation this is unforgivable.

Yanbu. I'm not adopted but have very strong memories of my mum saying she would put me into care if I didn't behave. It was horrible. Your ds needs security more than anything. I think you have to make it clear how unacceptable this is and tell dh to sort his act out. It doesn't sound like your relationship is going too well, i think you need to talk a few things through, this being one of them. Hope things get better for you op.

That has to top the list of the worst things you can say to an adopted child; my 2 were in desperate need of security, the kind of security that only comes from unconditional love, firm but fair boundaries and both me and DH being very much on the same page wrt discipline and sanctions.

I think that's one of the worst things you can say to any child, and to an adopted one it's unforgivable.

I'm adopted too.

I'm 41 years old and have only recently realised that I spent my entire childhood absolutely terrified of being abandoned/sent away by my (adoptive) parents.

They never gave me any cause to think that this would happen, but I was terrified of it nonetheless.

OP: some wise people on MN recommended that I read Betty Jean Lifton's books on adoption (you can get them on Amazon). They are brilliant, and they deal with adoption from the child's perspective, what it's like to grow up in a family when you know that you are an "outsider" (my term, you know what I mean). I suggest that you give them to your husband to read pronto.

Honestly, I would be questioning whether DS and I would be better off as a 2-person family if my DH said this.

I'm another person who was adopted (at 6 yo) and heard this regularly from my adopted mother (mainly cos she had/has undiagnosed MH issues). I haven't been in contact for over a decade as it was such a bad adoption.

my advice would be to reassure your son he's not going anywhere, even if that makes it look like you and your dh are on opposite sides at times. your ds NEEDS to know no matter how badly he behaves or upsets you both, he is loved and he's not going anywhere, particularly if he has ADHD and can find himself frustrated and lashing out at times.

have you asked your dh why he says this, apart from him losing his temper? perhaps some family therapy might help? or couples therapy if dh feels deep down that his ds is 'temporary' or even 'not his'. I know that's why my adoption was bad, my adopted mother never truly felt deep down I was her daughter.

I also remember never feeling as though my parent's house was 'home', that it was only temporary.

There were other things going on as well but the message I got loud and clear was:

"You are NOT welcome."

I'm sorry OP. The one thing I'd ask is does your DH mean it? Is it a threat just to get behaviour (my nan did something similar) or is he at the end of his tether and actually is considering?

I think your Dh needs to apologise to his son and make it clear it was said in anger and it will never happen and then go and do something really nice together as a family.

YANBU. It sounds like your DH relationship with DS and with you really needs some work.

Saying really inappropriate things to DS, making excuses not to play with him suggests that a really good non-blamey talk between you is needed to establish how he is really feeling. He clearly doesn't have very good coping mechanisms. Perhaps he is feeling inadequate and insecure.

We often expect the adult in the situation to be able to cope and have a willingness to learn to cope (quite rightly so) BUT......from what i know about attachment and adoption (which isn't a massive amount tbh) there are lots of complex problems that can arise.

You sound like a fantastic Mum but maybe your DH needs some support to begin to get things right with DS.

Men are not encouraged to talk about there feelings, have no-one to turn to when they themselves are struggling with relationships and parenting and psychologically withdraw, adopt unproductive coping mechanisms and can feel very isolated.

I'm not saying that your DH hasn't been a prat but it might just be that with support and someone to talk to you can get on track and start feeling happier.

Children with ADHD and additional needs are very challenging and without support things can be very difficult. Men are terrible at seeking support and this can lead to family breakdowns.

Do gently begin to explore some of the issues with him if you can. Perhaps see how he is feeling first.

Perhaps he feels like a failure? Men often take longer to come to terms with dx of an additional need than mothers do. They have complex feelings about their roles, parenting and masculinity and rarely anyone to really talk to.

*their

lizziejones what does mealy mouthed mean?!

lizziejones what the suggestion that this bloke might be struggling?

Yes he has been inappropriate but there is nothing wrong in suggesting he might actually be struggling surely?

Please could you tell me exactly what you find wrong with my reply and I can have a look at it?

YANBU

It's really not on at all he needs to get that clear!

I think I said 'really inappropriate' and 'prat'

Was that not strong enough?

or is it the case that because it's a man being an arse we have to Lynch him?

or anyone being an arse should be totally lynched?

Uh...what the actual fuck is wrong with him? That's stupid thing number 1 not to say to your adopted child. Stupid idiot.

I actually agree with catinabox. Saying he is out of order etc is all very well and good but I would also be questioning why he is acting like this. It does sound like he isn't happy and isn't coping with their family life very well. Unless the op wants to ltb, that needs to be addressed. The child's needs certainly need to come first, but perhaps by adressing the dh's issues, he could give the child what they need. An adopted child needs more stability, not less, so working on the issues would surely be the ideal situation?

Lizzie

There was no need for you to tell op to ignore my advice. I'm sure she is a grown adult who can make her own decision about that.

I personally think trying to salvage a situation and for a child to have two GOOD ENOUGH parents is better than a Dad disappearing off and leaving all together. To do that perhaps looking at things from DH's perspective might just help rather than lynching him?

Yes he has been totally inappropriate and a line has to be drawn but perhaps they can all move forward positively.

Can we now please re focus on the OP?

Yes, back to O.P.

Well I'm a bit worried about saying anything at all now in case i get a flaming! I