something dh said has really upset me

[kalms1971]

Ds has ADHD. We removed the computer tablet because he was not getting dressed. He started kicking, punching dh and dh really lost his temper and said if he keeps doing this then he will be sent to live in another house. Second time he has said it. I spoke to him before and said he must not say that. Our ds is adopted and needs security!

It's interesting that when on the subject of women going back to work, the mother states, happy mother, happy child. Inferring that the mothers happiness must come first.

Now here we have a child, with ADHD (forget that he's adopted) & a father that is possibly struggling & all of a sudden, the child comes first.

Does your son take medication? Does he & your family have reviews ? Time to get some help all round - DS's behaviour is not acceptable, regardless of whether adopted or not.

LizzieJones - the condemnation is pretty clear across the board, there's nothing wrong with cat electing focus on possible reasons - those reasons tend to be what form the basis of solutions! It's not as if cat was trying to say that the possible reasons mitigated his actions.

O.K.

I feel like i can tentatively suggest that you speak to the fostering and adoption team at the local authority for advice.

There is also CAMHS. Actually CAMHS can be really good and tend to work with the whole family on managing challenging behavior. Your DS might meet the criteria for being seen fairly quicklybecause he is adopted.

Just to reassure you OP. The physical violence that DS exhibited is not uncommon with his diagnosis and history of adoption. Also to reassure you that with support from the right place, a few changes can make a massive huge difference.

I really hope that your DH is willing to recognize he has been out of order and that you both might need a bit of intervention with DS.

In the meantime, I hope you and DH can perhaps spend a bit of quality time as a family and together alone.

I agree it's one of the worst things to say to a child who's beginning to understand what being adopted means. Having your parents fight and your father leave is also extremely damaging though. His behaviour risks becoming more extreme if hs anxiety increases.
Seek help in the form of family therapy if you can.

Willow if the father was saying to his dw that he was struggling and wanted more time out of the house the answers would be different. But he shouted at his adopted ds that he would send him away. That's not on.

I appreciate the added sensitivity surrounding the adoption, but I wouldn't put too much emphasis on what he said. He lashed out verbally, in a temper, when his child was kicking and punching him. Honestly, I can imagine saying the same thing to my NT, biological children.

If he is prone to saying such things very calmly, and not in a fit of emotion, that would worry me more. But the one incident you've described? Have a quite word and then don't give it another thought.

My children are adopted and if my DH ever said anything like that he'd be bounced out the door. Not helpful I know.

OP, it may be helpful to explain to your DH that threatening to send your DS away is very likely to make his behaviour worse, not better.

if a child feels insecure they are driven to test out whether the thing they are worried about will actually happen. They are testing to prove to themselves that it won't happen in order to feel more secure but, in order to do that, they have to try to make it happen.

So, if your DS is made to feel insecure about his place in your home, his behaviour is likely to go downhill as he tests you out to see if you really will send him away. The more your DH tells him he will be sent away, the more he will feel driven to test you to prove to himself that it won't happen.

Clearly the issues your DH has do run deep and this isn't going to address any underlying problems but it may help him to understand that what he is saying is counter-productive.

It sounds to me awfully like your DH does need to give his relationship with his son some serious thought and possibly talk it through with a counsellor. The teenage years could well be a lot harder if your DH already resents your DS.

happy to have appeased you lizzie phew.

I felt quite shaken up by the verbal attack back there!

"FGS. This is an emergency! Can we stop debating an adult's issues"

Lizzie your concern for the op is all very good, but I actually don't think you are being that helpful. You seem to wish to stick your head in the sand about what is causing the current problem. We can hold the op's hand all day and tell her to get support, but unless the cause of the dh's issue is addressed, nothing will change and the op and her ds will have to continue to experience the problem iyswim.

It's almost as if you think the dh's issues are completely unrelated to the current situation. I really don't think that's the case!

What he said was bad but if he was being physically attacked which needs to be addressed also.

I think you need to look up the definition of emergency lizzie.

I thought cat's post was a good take on it. Parents struggle with adoption as much as children and if he is strugglng to deal with the situation its vey important he seeks help and support to rectify his behaviour.

OP - does he recognise the things he is saying are wrong and possibly causing harm to his son?

Anglo it's so much worse to say that to an adopted child. It should never be said once, let alone twice, and if this man doesn't understand d that then I question what he is doing parenting an adopted child.

There was nothing wrong with your post at all cat.

Dreadful thing to say to any child. Even worse to say it to an adopted child. .

Kelly thanks. I did wonder for a minute or two!!

If it helps and i don't want to sound like a know all, I know a little bit i suppose from reading at Uni etc.

It is a bit controversial but the way parents and children attach isn't just down to a parent. Babies and children are active participants in building attachments with the caregivers.

Children who have had disruptions early on may not always have the cues and mechanisms inbuilt to trigger care giving behaviour from the adults around them.

In adoption situations it is really common for parents to really struggle with building a bond if a child's early attachment with say a male care giver has been disrupted or damaged.

This bloke might be really struggling with his bond with the child for that reason. Just to say i'm not excusing what he has said, it's really wrong, but it is complicated.

Lots of parents of small children who have undiagnosed conditions like autism spend a lot of time feeling there is something wrong with them as parents and they haven't bonded properly, and feel they aren't responding. It's really heartbreaking to see that. The diagnosis is made and they feel empowered and their children and family life improve loads.

Often the child's violence towards adult caregivers (really really common) stops too.

What i'm trying to say is that there is bad parenting and then there is difficult and hard and challenging parenting.

It's sad when people give up, breakdown and get blamed and they really don't understand what is happening when sometimes it's just people need help because its complicated.

I feel really sorry for Dads sometimes too and sometimes wonder if there was a bot more support for them whether fewer relationships would breakdown and children would have better relationships with their fathers.

anyway, i'll get off soap box now.

That's interesting, cat. Just shows how vital that early relationship is.

Thanks everyone for support. Ds does take medication and I have been through his behaviour with psychology at the childrens centre. They said I was calm and handling him well. Ds has always been aggressive when frustrated and he only does it to me and dh. He plays well with other children and behaves well for other family members. I ignore him when he starts and this works well, (difficult when being punched, kicked etc)but he seems to want to really challenge dh

How old is he kalms? Sorry if you have already said...

He is seven cat