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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off that DP thinks it's ok to go to Oz without us?

54 replies

lovelilies · 24/08/2013 19:17

Background: DP and I live together, with my dd from a previous relationship. We are expecting our first child together in January.
Dp's brother lives in Australia but I'd moving back to UK some time in next 6 months. DP's father works for an airline and can get the family (ie not me and dd) 'cheap' tickets to Oz for about £600 return. DP wants to go with his parents to see his brother in November for 12 days, I would rather DP, dd and I went away together somewhere... DP knows I can't afford full price to Oz (he earns about triple my salary) and says he can't afford to pay for me and dd too. He did say he'd go halves... but I don't even have that if I saved every penny Sad
it's not that I mind him being away, I just find it unfair that he can jet off wherever he likes and dd and I can't...
For example, this year he has already been to Oz, Hong Kong and Singapore alone on separate trips, together we have been to France, and a weekend in London.
AIBU to think he should think about the whole family and not just himself?

OP posts:
Finola1step · 24/08/2013 19:23

Mmm... I'm a little bit in the fence here. I do see your point that it would be nice to do more things as a family.

But on a practical note, would you really want to fly to Oz in your third trimester and fly back 12 days later? With a child (who I assume is not yet school age). Would you be allowed to?

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 24/08/2013 19:25

You need to sort out this "He can't afford" business. You're expecting a baby together and finances should be JOINT! Not what HE earns and what YOU earn!

Your money is family money! A budget and equal share needs to be sorted out! YANBU!

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 24/08/2013 19:26

Where do you live? Who pays the rent/mortgage? Who pays the bills and shopping etc?

Original poster
lovelilies · 24/08/2013 19:36

We live in Yorkshire, he pays rent, I pay bills...
I always thought a family shared finances... Sad
he thinks most things should be paid for 50/50....
I'm not a sahm (work 30 hrs pw ) but still do most of housework which I really don't mind, dd is 8 so is at school. He can't do anything in Oct half term which would suit me and dd better, because of an exam right in the middle.
We have only recently moved in together so I'm hoping it's just teething problems, he's not used to 'family things' and once the baby comes he'll realise what its all about....Hmm

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 24/08/2013 19:38

Good luck with that thought OP...

I think you two need to talk about how 'family' works. You can't just expect the penny to drop, so to speak.

hermioneweasley · 24/08/2013 19:41

Aaaargh - why do people never sort these things BEFORE having a baby?

If you are a family, all money should be family money.

But it doesn't sound like he agrees with that. Better have a chat and find out.

Original poster
lovelilies · 24/08/2013 19:41

Whenever it's come up, and I HATE talking about money... I end up backing down because even though he's never said it, I don't want him to think I'm money grabbing Sad

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 24/08/2013 19:43

I think you need to talk about finances. You've only just moved in together, so it's a big adjustment period. But with a baby coming, you need to get things straight. What will happen when you're on maternity leave - who will pay for what?

FWIW, I wouldn't want to travel to Oz in your situation, but it's more the principle of it and making sure you are united for the future.

PurplePidjin · 24/08/2013 19:44

Work out what the percentages are, then suggest you pay that proportion?

Sounds like it's more about his commitment to you - and his family's attitude to your dd/their son's step-child - than cold hard cash, though

Original poster
lovelilies · 24/08/2013 19:44

He does say 'we're a family' etc etc but then goes off and wants to go on these trips like he's still a bachelor...Confused
It's entirely the money thing which is a problem for me... of I earned more, fine but I don't Angry
Having separate interests is a good thing... just seems v unequal.
Any tips on what I should actually say to him?

OP posts:
specialsubject · 24/08/2013 19:45

good luck getting travel insurance to fly to Oz at that pregnant.

I agree that the money thing needs to be sorted NOW.

Nancy66 · 24/08/2013 19:46

Are you happy OP? Was the baby planned?

Original poster
lovelilies · 24/08/2013 19:47

I don't actually want to go to Oz, not in November anyway. it's the principle. That he'd rather do that than something with us.

OP posts:
Original poster
lovelilies · 24/08/2013 19:49

On the whole yes, I'm very happy. This is quite a big issue for me though and he really doesn't get where I'm coming from, thinks it's perfectly fine Shock

OP posts:
Original poster
lovelilies · 24/08/2013 19:49

Yes, baby was planned.

OP posts:
WetGrass · 24/08/2013 19:53

I'd leave him be on this particular issue.

Parity of free time/ leisure - yes.

But I think it is mean spirited to stop him enjoying the cheapy tickets - just because the perk doesn't extend to you & Dd.

Long haul doesn't automatIcally mean fabulous fun.

bubblesausage · 24/08/2013 19:54

YANBU, Surely if you're having a baby together then it shouldn't be "you" and "him" I can't imagine for a minute what I'd do if my dh told me he was going away but couldn't afford to pay for me to go! I'd also be a bit put out that dp's father doesn't see you and dd as family, surely if you are living with and having a baby with his son then that's what you are?

WetGrass · 24/08/2013 19:54

To put it another way - do you take him along every time you visit your mum/dad/sister/brother?

WetGrass · 24/08/2013 19:58

bubble - it won't depend on OP DP's dad. It is likely that the airline will have strict rules to prevent the perk being abused - and will have specified that only spouses and natural/adopted children can profit. I take it as factual that it would cost a fortune to bring OP along to hang around like a (very fat) spare wheel while the brothers catch up.

Nanny0gg · 24/08/2013 19:59

WetGrass
It's hardly the same thing is it? Even if the OP's family was a couple of hours away it's hardly the same as the other side of the world!

I cannot imagine being with someone who didn't share everything financial. They need to get this sorted now otherwise she'll be running out of money for nappies and having to 'borrow' from her partner.

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 24/08/2013 20:04

Have you asked him if he intends on treating this as one final long distance trip before the baby arrives? I'd be putting my foot down if he thought he could keep swanning off once baby arrives, although if his brother is coming back to the UK shortly maybe there's less of an excuse?

WetGrass · 24/08/2013 20:04

But she doesn't want to go to Oz. She just begrudges him going. That's not about financial sharing by the DP - it's about emotional controlling by the OP.

ChimeForChange · 24/08/2013 20:06

Does him spending the £600 mean a family holiday has to be forfeited? If yes I can see why you would be upset, if not then yabu as you said you don't want to go anyway.

jacks365 · 24/08/2013 20:12

I'm a bit on the fence about this. I can understand him visiting his brother alone but the finance arrangement you have sounds more like a flat share than a partnership and I think it's that that is ringing alarm bells for me. Try taking a step back and think what really bothers you about this.

dopeysheep · 24/08/2013 20:19

Is he always going to get cheap tickets through his dad? Because then there will always be the cheap flight/holiday option for him and not you. What if you were married could you get the discount tix then? Just wondering really.
I think it is fine for him to go to Ox but not fine to keep you on a short financial leash.
Perhaps write down in bullet points why the financial situation is unfair and present it that way? To keep everything clear.