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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off that DP thinks it's ok to go to Oz without us?

54 replies

lovelilies · 24/08/2013 19:17

Background: DP and I live together, with my dd from a previous relationship. We are expecting our first child together in January.
Dp's brother lives in Australia but I'd moving back to UK some time in next 6 months. DP's father works for an airline and can get the family (ie not me and dd) 'cheap' tickets to Oz for about £600 return. DP wants to go with his parents to see his brother in November for 12 days, I would rather DP, dd and I went away together somewhere... DP knows I can't afford full price to Oz (he earns about triple my salary) and says he can't afford to pay for me and dd too. He did say he'd go halves... but I don't even have that if I saved every penny Sad
it's not that I mind him being away, I just find it unfair that he can jet off wherever he likes and dd and I can't...
For example, this year he has already been to Oz, Hong Kong and Singapore alone on separate trips, together we have been to France, and a weekend in London.
AIBU to think he should think about the whole family and not just himself?

OP posts:
probablyhadenough · 24/08/2013 20:19

Eh WetGrass - that's a bit unfair! I don't see it as controlling to want her DP to behave like a partner...

I reckon this will change when the baby arrives OP. He will want to bring him/her along too and naturally this will extend to you and your dd. Well I hope so anyway, because all this my money, your money isn't exactly pleasant or loving....

intheshed · 24/08/2013 20:21

I am also on the fence on this one- I don't think I would begrudge DH going to Australia to visit family, particularly if other reasons such as school/pregnancy meant it would be impossible for the whole family to go anyway.

BUT I would be pissed off about the other holidays. And would certainly be having a serious conversation about how family finances should be organised once the baby arrives. Do you have a joint account? If not I would get one asap.

MikeOxard · 24/08/2013 20:24

Yes, I agree with him, everything should be 50/50. So when he's finished his half of the pregnancy, and squeezed his half of the baby out of his vagina, interrupted his career completing his half of the maternity leave, and claimed his half of SMP instead of earning wages, then he should be able to spend his money going to Oz and you can do something else with your money. Knob.

You're a family, you (both) decide what to do with (both of) your time and (both of) your money. It's not his money/her money any more - it can't be when you're carrying the baby and having mat leave etc. And even putting aside the issue of money, he seems to have a lot of holidays, and you do most of the housework. Why don't you (both) want to spend time together? Why is his free time holiday time, but your free time is household task time? Are you less important than he is?

Original poster
lovelilies · 24/08/2013 20:28

Thank you all for the input, it's very valuable getting other points of view.
I will talk to him... I'm also tired and a bit emotional atm.

OP posts:
greenfolder · 24/08/2013 20:49

when baby comes, please change the way your finances are set up. you are a family unit- the additional cost of your dd is marginal. you cant possibly pay for half of everything when he earns at least 3 times as much. maternity leave looming seems like a good time to agree what the future looks like.

think the oz thing is a red herring- would be difficult for you to go anyway and it will be the last time for a fair while before any of you could go once baby is here.

Original poster
lovelilies · 24/08/2013 20:53

Yep, I'll let this trip go, a last boy holiday before responsibility kicks in Grin

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 24/08/2013 21:15

Those other trips - were they holidays or work trips?

inabeautifulplace · 24/08/2013 21:19

It really does make things easier if you could dispense with the my money/your money thing now. There are lots of baby costs coming up plus your drop in salary. His choice to settle down with you should mean him understanding that the hard work put in by each partner should lead to everyone in the family benefitting.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 24/08/2013 21:19

The Oz trip is not as much of an issue here as your partner thinking that all his money is his money alone, even though he earns so much more than you. Sort that our before you have the baby or it will bite you on the backside when your earnings drop to zero on mat leave. Who will pay the bills then? Will you 'owe' him for that later? And I don't see how you picking up all the bills can be fair anyway. We have always split our expenses proportionally according to earnings: the person who earned 3x more has historically put 3x as much into the family account. That is fair, not money grabbing.

AnyoneButLulu · 24/08/2013 21:31

I'm with a lot of other posters here - I'd be relaxed about the holiday, he's visiting his family, you can't go with him anyway, but you need to talk about your future finances as a matter of urgency. What will happen when you are on maternity leave? Will you return to work? How will childcare be paid for? Will you end up going hungry and in rags in order to pay "your share of the bills"?

BackforGood · 24/08/2013 21:36

I agree with others - I'd be relaxed about the Australia trip - it's to see family, you couldn't go anyway, and he is getting a bargain price.
However I can't understand how two grown people can make seriously huge decisions about committing to starting a family together, and yet not be able to discuss how they think the money might work out as part of that commitment Confused It seems the wrong way round to me.

bakingaddict · 24/08/2013 21:48

Like what everybody else has you need a serious talk about how you are going to share finances. Seems like he doesnt see you and DD as his main family unit which is sad. Why has he been to Singapore Hong Kong etc while you have had to make do with France. There seems a big disparity between his free time and your family time

mumofweeboys · 24/08/2013 21:49

You def need to talk finances before this baby arrives otherwise you are going to become very resentful. If you can't talk then email him or text and explain how you feel. Probably writing down all yours and dp's outgoings is the way to go and then agreeing a percentage you each pay from your wages. I presume you will take a wage drop during maternity leave so you will need to discuss this too.

lottiegarbanzo · 24/08/2013 21:50

I just don't understand how you can be good enough to be the person he wants to have a baby with (a family, the rest of his life) but not important enough to spend his money on and actually share his life with. It makes you sound like some sort of surrogate mother.

Have you talked about marriage? Any particular reason why you're not doing that? Do you feel the same way about it? If you're both just not bothered about it as a formalilty but say you are just as committed to each other as you would be if married, then, um, where is the evidence of that commitment?

So, in years to come, will he and his child be swanning off on exotic hols, while you and your dd have a weekend at Skegness? Does he want to be a family with you, or not?!

maddening · 24/08/2013 23:06

I think you should suggest that you put into a family potand take out equal amounts for ppersonal spends - so if you earn £1k an month and he earns £3k and all family costs - including mortgage, bills, general family entertainment, work costs and dc costs - comes to £3k then you have £500 each personal spends

IneedAsockamnesty · 24/08/2013 23:29

It wouldn't bother me him doing it but it would if he also claimed he could not afford to have a decent family holiday as well.

If your going to continue with the separate finances thing after the baby is born have you both worked out how your going to each be contributing towards costs relating to joint baby?

StuntGirl · 24/08/2013 23:53

Well this is going to end well isn't it Confused

Finances need sorting out before the baby is born.

Division of labour needs sorting out before the baby is born.

Decisions on how the family are going to spend their money/holiday time etc. needs sorting out...you get it.

solarbright · 25/08/2013 00:01

You need to have a good, hard look at the housework, too. Looks like you're in for a life where you work nearly full time, do most of the housework, and need to live on a fraction of his salary cuz his money is his. Does he cook? Clean up afterwards? Seriously, this needs sorting now.

CocacolaMum · 25/08/2013 00:07

I am with the OP on this I think. I don't think this is about control issues at all, its about more than a holiday though. It seems to be about her feeling that her and DD are not regarded as family by her FIL and her DP seemingly feeling this is all ok since HE gets to fuck off on subsidised jollies whenever the occasion comes up - I would not be happy about this at all..

Feelingworried67 · 25/08/2013 00:28

OP yanbu!!

I'm in a similar situation to yourself, it's the whole principle of it all that's got you miffed, and I would be (am in sort if the same situation) hacked off about it.

My DP is currently on a holiday with 5 guy friends having a good old time, while I'm left at home with my DS (from previous) 30 weeks pregnant Hmm I'm not best amused by it all...

All money should now be shared I think, you can't go on 50/50 for the rest of your life, that's unfair, my DP moved it in January and I had to sit down and discuss finances and that his money was now our money as was mine, he soon agreed. You need to chat properly and calmly with him, tbh his brother will be home soon so not really much point in going, really, is there?

Good luck Smile

BrokenSunglasses · 25/08/2013 00:34

YABU.

He's going to visit his brother and spend time with his family. They don't stop being family to him just because you are family to him as well now. He's not doing anything wrong.

ShellyBoobs · 25/08/2013 02:16

You're expecting a baby together and finances should be JOINT! Not what HE earns and what YOU earn!

In YOUR opinion (if we're shouting about it).

Not everyone has joint finances.

holidaysarenice · 25/08/2013 03:05

I honestly think you are trying to control him this way as you don't have control in other areas, including finance.

How long have you been with this dp? Especially as he still sees your dc as yours and not together. Or this may be because ex -dp is still very much a figure, and financially so too.

I can see many reasons, school, pregnancy, cost, his family not urs, etc why its not unreasonable for him to go and you not.

I do however think you need a better long term plan. It doesn't have to mean joint accounts for finances, I for one would hate to hand over my finances to dp. I do however have a very open and sharing approach, each knowing the others bank accounts, paying equal and getting equal spends as such.

I think you both need more communication and discussion. Tbh you both sound quite immature/early in your relationship.

holidaysarenice · 25/08/2013 03:08

My DP is currently on a holiday with 5 guy friends having a good old time, while I'm left at home with my DS (from previous) 30 weeks pregnant I'm not best amused by it all...

Why? How would you feel if he said 'no you're not going with the girls, I say no'?
Or should you be included in a boys weekend?

BobbyGentry · 25/08/2013 04:52

Personally, I'd let him go :)

You're planning to spend the rest of your life with him, 12 days out is nothing.

In years to come, you may need to do something similar yourself.

I'd see it as an investment, shoe trust, wish him well and look forward to seeing the photos.

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