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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cut my parents off over this?

57 replies

Notkeenonzumba · 24/08/2013 17:19

I've namechanged as this post might make me identifiable to family and friends.

Basically I am at my wit's end with my parents and think I am going to have to cut them off. I have recently tried to talk to them about the following issues but they have, as predicted, gone off in a big sulk and I'm the bad guy. I've had enough of it.

They weren't very nice to me as a child and favoured my sister and in adulthood they still favour her and her children. My children get treated like second class citizens. My parents constantly buy presents for my sister's children and always look after them for her. If my sister is ill my parents are straight round to her house every day, doing everything for her. They don't even reply if I ever say I've not been well, and will only have my children if it suits them (ie for their own agenda), never if I need any support or help.Once they refused to have my kids for a couple of hours when I was very poorly with a migraine, as they were going over to my sister's house to help her clean her kitchen.

When they have my children they bad mouth my DH and I to them, saying things like DH and I are stupid, and that we don't choose nice clothes for them. My dad also has a foul temper and bellows at the kids sometimes if he's in a bad mood (he did to me as a child and I was terrified of him). My mum criticises everything. Nothing I ever do with my kids is good enough. It's starting to get that I get panicky if we are going to my mum's house and, for example, DD's hair isn't in a ponytail, as I know my mum will moan.

Also, my mum always undermines me in front of my kids. She ignores me and seems to want to make a little clique up where I am excluded. She has an attitude of 'just ignore stupid mummy' when she is around.

Like I said, I have tried to talk to them and they pulled the old health problems card with me and said I cause them nothing but stress, and now they are sulking. I just cannot be bothered with it all anymore :(

OP posts:
CaptainCapybara · 24/08/2013 17:22

YANBU I can't see a single reason for continuing to bother with them. I wouldn't take my DC to a place where she is shouted at and her parents belittled and criticised.

Tortington · 24/08/2013 17:22

sounds like a plan - dont actively cut them off - just dont actively seek them out, phone them, text them, invite them to things

Tortington · 24/08/2013 17:25

just to add, my inlaws were exactly - exactly like this BILs children treated with presents and gifts all the time - excuses that my kids were older - yeah 7 yr olds really dont deserve anything becuase you must get a three year old something quite expensive etc.

anyway - now, in laws have moved near us and have begun to visit frequently, we remain polite but my grown up kids who live with us - dont even come down from their rooms to say hello, reap what you sow imo

LookingForwardToVino · 24/08/2013 17:26

Yanbu

I can't see any reason in your post NOT to cut them off.

FastWindow · 24/08/2013 17:27

What does your sister have to say about this skewed treatment, or has she not noticed?

Original poster
Notkeenonzumba · 24/08/2013 17:28

She sides with them; as a child if I was getting told off (they often invented things I'd done wrong) she'd join in, and now because I've 'upset' them she isn't speaking to me anymore. She treats me with an air or contempt.

OP posts:
ArgyMargy · 24/08/2013 17:29

YANBU. Life's hard enough. But think about how your DCs might feel and how you will explain why they don't see your parents any more.

WinkyWinkola · 24/08/2013 17:31

Gosh sounds vile.

I would just stop making an effort.

Let them contact you and just be busy.

Keep it casual with a shrug if they kick off about it - which they may well do once they realise their whipping boy isn't asking for criticism anymore.

Don't look to them for help again. You know what the answer will be so why queue up for more teeth kicks?

Wrt your dd's hair not being up, can you not just say you like it down sometimes?

It sounds like they like to put you down to keep you feeling inadequate and hopeless. You're clearly very capable so I'd fade from their view slowly but surely.

BarbarianMum · 24/08/2013 17:32

YABU to expose your children to them, that's for sure, they need to be protected. And by the sound of it, you do too.

Def cut off contact, for all your sakes. If you look on 'Relationships' there is a 'Stately Homes' thread that may help if you find the idea of "disobeying" your parents difficult.

Original poster
Notkeenonzumba · 24/08/2013 17:35

Thank you everyone for the replies.

I've not had any contact with them now for about 3 weeks and tbh I feel the happiest I've felt in a long time, like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I think the kids won't be bothered if we cut them off. My 4 year old is frightened of my dad as last time he went there my dad shouted at him a lot.

OP posts:
Groovee · 24/08/2013 17:36

I would stop making any effort and if you choose to cut all contact, it may be better for you x

FastWindow · 24/08/2013 17:40

It sounds like your parents and your sister all deserve each other's company for a looong time. But they don't deserve any more of your time or attention. Good luck, once they realise what you're up to!

WafflyVersatile · 24/08/2013 17:41

There you go! If not having them in your life has made you happier than you have ever been then you know you have made the right choice.

If you ever consider letting them back in again make sure it's by your rules or they're cut off again.

mymatemax · 24/08/2013 17:46

I would just get on with your life, ask them for nothing, expect nothing & they wont disappoint.
They know where you are if they want to see you.

scratchandsniff · 24/08/2013 17:46

They really don't sound very nice. As others have said, I think you are best off just ignoring them. It'll be interesting to see how long goes by before they're phoning up getting shirty because you've not been in contact. They not your sister deserve you or your DC's in their life.

scratchandsniff · 24/08/2013 17:47

*nor your sister

ivykaty44 · 24/08/2013 17:49

If you cause them nothing but stress then tell them calmly that it would be better for their health if you keep contact to a minimum say twice a year and this way they can be stress free and so can you - make it clear though it is a two way stress free thing

MrsMongoose · 24/08/2013 17:51

You whole family sound batshit.

Don't actively cut them out, because you'll ignite a bitter family feud, but move on. Stop asking them for things, let them come to you. If they don't? Oh well, and if they do, your rules - never leaving them alone with the DCs for a start.

zippey · 24/08/2013 17:55

Don't actively cut them off but try and avoid them as much as you can. If you are important to them they will come chasing. But if they are making you miserable, then the best thing to do is to avoid them.

You may be family but there is no rule to say you must be nice to them. Why should you and children be miserable?

They made your life a misery and if they treat your children the same as you, ie like 2nd class citizens, they may end up older with the same feelings as your feeling now.

farrowandbawl · 24/08/2013 19:04

Your 4 year old if frightened of his own grandfather because he shouts at him all the time. That to me is enough to cut contact.

If you have felt a millions times better since not contacting them, then you already have your answer.

It's hard. I know, I've done it but things are so much better for it.

diddl · 24/08/2013 19:16

I agree with not necessarily making a big deal of "cutting them off".

Just don't contact them.

As long as you won't be bothered that as time goes by they do't contact you iyswim.

And if they don't, it'll reinforce that you have done the right thing.

hollyisalovelyname · 24/08/2013 19:18

You poor darling. How awful. Keep your distance. You deserve better. I can't believe your sister sides with them. What is wrong with people????

justmakingdo · 24/08/2013 19:19

I wouldn't cut them out, just not contact them if that makes sense, let them make the effort

goonIcantakeit · 24/08/2013 20:06

agree with the consensus - don't start a feud.

If your sister/parents were starting this thread, what would they say about you? Do you have any insight into what's going on in their heads here? No saying you're in the wrong, I'm just the sort of person who's interested in motive....

somersethouse · 24/08/2013 20:14

Similar situation with me. I cut them off! Similiar upbringing - not nice and not kind.

My sister is the only one who speaks to me now but, to be honest, she has turned toxic towards me.

I am not cutting her off, but, I am backing off.

You don't need to put up with it OP
Good luck Flowers