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AIBU?

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Original poster

To cut my parents off over this?

57 replies

Notkeenonzumba · 24/08/2013 17:19

I've namechanged as this post might make me identifiable to family and friends.

Basically I am at my wit's end with my parents and think I am going to have to cut them off. I have recently tried to talk to them about the following issues but they have, as predicted, gone off in a big sulk and I'm the bad guy. I've had enough of it.

They weren't very nice to me as a child and favoured my sister and in adulthood they still favour her and her children. My children get treated like second class citizens. My parents constantly buy presents for my sister's children and always look after them for her. If my sister is ill my parents are straight round to her house every day, doing everything for her. They don't even reply if I ever say I've not been well, and will only have my children if it suits them (ie for their own agenda), never if I need any support or help.Once they refused to have my kids for a couple of hours when I was very poorly with a migraine, as they were going over to my sister's house to help her clean her kitchen.

When they have my children they bad mouth my DH and I to them, saying things like DH and I are stupid, and that we don't choose nice clothes for them. My dad also has a foul temper and bellows at the kids sometimes if he's in a bad mood (he did to me as a child and I was terrified of him). My mum criticises everything. Nothing I ever do with my kids is good enough. It's starting to get that I get panicky if we are going to my mum's house and, for example, DD's hair isn't in a ponytail, as I know my mum will moan.

Also, my mum always undermines me in front of my kids. She ignores me and seems to want to make a little clique up where I am excluded. She has an attitude of 'just ignore stupid mummy' when she is around.

Like I said, I have tried to talk to them and they pulled the old health problems card with me and said I cause them nothing but stress, and now they are sulking. I just cannot be bothered with it all anymore :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Notkeenonzumba · 24/08/2013 22:31

goon, they would probably say all sorts of horrible things about me, such as I'm not a nice person and I'm difficult, and jealous, etc. I was told throughout my childhood how horrible I am and what a waste of space. However, I know now that I'm not those things and am a decent, nice person as my DH and kids love me and I have lots of friends and get on fine with people. It's only my parents and sister I struggle with....

OP posts:
SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 24/08/2013 22:55

I would definitely be backing right off - with a view to possibly cutting off completely.

No child deserves to be made to feel worthless or difficult or horrible Sad It's hard but sometimes I have to back off from my own family because somehow I always seem to be the bad guy. I still occasionally have things I did as a child thrown back in my face - which I know I will never do to my own children. Nothing like as extreme as your story - but there all the same. Like you - I know from my dh, children and good friends that I'm not the bad guy.

Just the fact that you've felt happier over the last few days should tell you something.

Original poster
Notkeenonzumba · 25/08/2013 10:37

I really feel as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. My only worry, as they live locally, is bumping into them, but as yet I haven't. They are really showing their true colours as they seem to have happily cut their grandchildren off as I've dared to voice my opinion on something. I think they have relied for years on me just keeping my mouth shut to keep the peace.

OP posts:
springytoffy · 25/08/2013 10:55

YANBU. I've cut off my family for precisely this. Some of them also live nearby and, by some miracle, I never see them or bump into them. I recently saw a sister (long story), said the barest 'hello' (not nice, not nasty) and walked on.

I agree to not ignite a feud - they will never back down and will always be gunning for you. Just slink away and don't court any relationship with them. Sounds like you've done that and you're already feeling that huge release and freedom - yay! Read up about family scapegoats (these families also usually have a golden child...). I'm so sorry you've been subjected to this toxic shit all these years OP.

Aside from what it does to you, it is disastrous that your children are exposed to your family treating their mother like this; also bad-mouthing you. I wish I'd had MN back in the day, because I kept up the relationship between my kids and my family (my reasoning was that 'kids need families' - but they don't need poisonous families Angry ) - which came back to bite me in the bum when my kids went through the rebellious teen years. I so wish I'd cut my family off years ago when the kids were small/before they were born.

It's hard not to hope that they'll change but imo they never will. It's hard to bear that you'll never have a good, even half-decent, family, but thank God for the little family you have now. Protect them at all costs, whatever it takes.

FryOneFatManic · 25/08/2013 10:56

I think while your sister is siding with her parents, she won't (not can't) see the issues.

It seems to me as if your parents "need" a scapegoat and with you and your children out of the picture your parents may look elsewhere. Your sister may well find that one of her children will get selected as the "scapegoat".

FryOneFatManic · 25/08/2013 10:58

...Posted too soon.

Don't be surprised if your sister tries to encourage you to make up with your parents. She will have a vested interest if one or more of her children is being targetted.

springytoffy · 25/08/2013 11:03

ime the dynamic never changes - unless, by some miracle, the golden child starts doing some therapy. Even then, it's far from guaranteed that the dynamic will change a millimetre. ime another scapegoat doesn't emerge - they are quite happy with the one they already have (and if you disappear, the hatred and bullying go into overdrive.)

Misspixietrix · 25/08/2013 11:12

YNBU OP. I feel your Pain. I'm currently going through the same thing with my DM. My friends advised me to distance myself and I will do. I understand what you mean about getting Panicky. I had to meet DM this week for my Birthday. I spent the whole morning dreading what should.have been a lovely day! Sad I got really cross with her the other week when she really shouted at Ds & got 'I will bloody well shout at him if I want to' ! Hmm There is absolutely no excuse for their behaviour challenge them on it every time "would you speak to an Adult in that manner so why is it aceptable to do so to me Mum & Dad?".

Wellwobbly · 25/08/2013 13:39

Back away, and then practice setting boundaries when they next have you round:

please do not speak to me/the children like that. If you do it again, we will leave'.

and then leave. Doesn't matter what they accuse you of. You told them what would happen if they did something, and then they did it.

Keep this up no matter how long it takes.

Trying to get them to 'understand' is a complete waste of time, but even twats narcissists respect boundaries.

If they can't be bothered with you, and don't care that you have left, then you haven't lost anything.

By the way: the 'golden child' is often the most abused on in this sort of parenting. They are the ones who received all the positive projections, and have had to live their whole lives the way their parents want them. They are completely lost because they still think their parents are wonderful.

Paradoxically, because you KNOW they were not nice to you, and feel resentment and pain about it, you had more space and freedom to develop your sense of self. Look at your comment: I know I am a nice person .... I have lots of friends.

How well does your sister do socially? How many friends has she got?

Pigsmummy · 25/08/2013 14:01

Why are you putting your children through this if you were scared of your father as a child, just don't ask them for child care, dong actively put yourself in a position that you are not comfortable with then you might be able to Eemian on speaking terms.

Salbertina · 25/08/2013 18:50

My sympathies, OP.

in response to comment just now, you know, its undoubtedly petty and immature of me but how EXACTLY is it worse being the golden child?!!! To go your whole life feeling validated, good about yourself and in an easy relationship with your parents??! Less angst, turmoil, soul-searching, sleeplessness, therapy and money spent on therapy etc, well, yes, please!! For all my enlightenment would rather the alternative.

Salbertina · 25/08/2013 19:01

Rant over Hmm agree with everything else you say, Well.

Op, agree boundary-setting key- they may simply ignore this - as mine did, in which case, sadly there's your answer and walk away knowing you tried.

pigletmania · 25/08/2013 19:04

Yes just stop making contact they sound bloidy toxic, they reap what they sow

middleclassdystopia · 25/08/2013 19:35

The Golden Child is worse off because they are blind and therefore more likely to continue the pattern with their own children. It isn't real love from the parents it is love. Love that comes with a price, to play a role. To follow the script that has been written for them. They lack true self worth and identity in my opinion.

I know because I was the golden child, then quickly became the scapegoat when I withdrew from the fold.

Salbertina · 25/08/2013 19:41

Sorry to hear that middle though great to hear you've come over from the dark side Wink? Cant have been easy.

Still think much easier though, horrible being the scapegoat- identity and confidence issues too without the comfort of family validation. Plus not pleasant being blamed for family dysfunction. Sorry, wholly disagree!

middleclassdystopia · 25/08/2013 19:50

No I agree it is more hurtful and painful being the scapegoat. I just think you're more likely to realise how dysfunctional the family is and break the mould.

It is so hard and not everyone can do it. But who would want to be the golden child of people that bully children and have damaged lives? Are Golden Children truly happy?

middleclassdystopia · 25/08/2013 19:56

There's no one right way but I have done the therapy, heartache, self harm and sleeplessness.

I still wouldn't swap my enlightment for being in the cult of the toxic family. No way. I'm a far better parent to my two kids for it.

The scapegoat is often the one who is sensitive. Bright. Empathetic. That is why they are the scapegoat. They are a threat to the illusion.

Salbertina · 25/08/2013 19:58

Agree and v courageous of you to recognise this.
However thinking of my own dsib who's blissfully oblivious to all this, well she admits to being happy/happier than me and certainly seems so. Think someone further down on this thread said narc women are the happiest of all! I believe it and cant help feeling bloody bitter.
Sorry for hijack OP, probably need my own thread -again--

pigletmania · 25/08/2013 20:08

Yes just stop making contact they sound bloidy toxic, they reap what they sow

middleclassdystopia · 25/08/2013 20:11

I think narcs are empty inside, I feel no jealousy, I don't regret that I can love and nurture my own daughter and not try to trump her because I can't bear for her to be cleverer or more beatiful.

OP I am sorry you've been inflicted with such a family. It truly is hell. But you have to protect yourself and therefore your own little family. Good luck.

pigletmania · 25/08/2013 20:11

They are horrid op, if a friend did this you would cut them dead, just because they are your parents does not mean you have to.put up with shit

springytoffy · 25/08/2013 20:54

woh, hold up! BOTH have a shit time - BOTH the scapegoat and the golden child.

I'm sorry, but being the scapegoat is catastrophically damaging, unbelievably painful and lacerating; it absolutely destroys you from the inside. I know I will be in therapy for the rest of my life, on and off, because of it - I can quite honestly say it has disabled me (but I'm working on it!). I agree that the golden child has an unbelievably shit deal, too - neither has it good, both appallingly bad. But please don't compare being a scapegoat in later life to being marinaded in it when you were young, impressionable and being formed. Turning that ocean liner around is the most appalling job.

I'm sorry to rant but really, it is not a good idea to say one has a 'better' deal than the other.

middleclassdystopia · 25/08/2013 22:12

I think I'm being misunderstood here. Sorry if i've offended anyone but I really wasn't 'marinaded' in it when I was young. I was abused, horribly so, but earned my satus of favourite because I kept quiet and did well at school. Gave the family a false decent front.

It's not always simple but with that shall leave the thread.

Hope you find some peace from it OP

springytoffy · 26/08/2013 00:44

I was. Marinaded in it, that is. It's a hell of a job to get the stain out.

Wellwobbly · 26/08/2013 09:52

Springy, this has hit buttons (I was the scapegoated child also) but please send PM to Middleclass.

She offered up something really hard and vulnerable, and you took her out!

Middleclass I absolutely heard what you said. Come back what you say is really valuable.