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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Children and savings

87 replies

Cravey · 24/08/2013 09:36

I don't know how I feel about this and don't know if I'm being silly. I have several godchildren. They all get the same gifts at Christmas and birthdays. However one of them has a sibling wh has other godparents. My godson gets the same cash gift as the other godchildren. His sister doesn't get the same amount as she isn't my godchild. Does that make sense ? I do gve her cash just not as much. Last night their mum told me that since the girl was born she has taken any money I have given my godson and shared it between them both. Then put it into savings for them. I don't know if I feel happy about that. In fact I am considering cutting down the amount I give them both to be honest. Aibu.

OP posts:

howisthisnotagoodplan · 24/08/2013 10:51

I think that sounds like a good compromise. my brother and I have different godparents neither are relatives, his lived in the village where we grew up mine were over 100 miles away. we never questioned why we got different gifts, like you they gave slightly more generously to their godchild and a smaller, still lovely token gift to the sibling. as Christians they played an important part in our lives and giving presents was just a small reflection of heir relationship with us. spending money on your godson when you see him is a good solution and if the mum asks about the change in amount just say you took her advice and are making things fairer

Original poster

Cravey · 24/08/2013 10:54

Perfect answer how is this ! Thank you.

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Mia4 · 24/08/2013 13:50

Agreeing with Jinty, if she asks she's very greedy.

Andro · 24/08/2013 15:14

When I send a gift to a person, whether that gift be money, sweets or toys, I expect the gift to go to THAT person. Should the recipient choose to share it, that's their choice...and only their choice! I would be very upset to find out that a gift I sent had not reached the intended recipient (or their savings) intact.

If you don't think that this person can be trusted to abide by your wishes, save the money for him and gift it to him at 17/18/21/whenever you feel it's appropriate.

(I would also be quite happy to explain my reasoning to the mother and express my disappointment at her actions if challenged)

Bellini28 · 24/08/2013 18:21

I have read this thread with great interest. I am not a 'believer' but as I am married to a Christian and live in a very Christian ( as in 94% of the population are christened/baptised) country - where god parents and their roles are taken very seriously - my dd has god parents as will my second. We also have god children and am very very aware of our roles. However, our obligations, morally even financially are to the children we baptised. I am shocked that many on this thread think that money gifted to a god child should be shared with its sibling(s). I will ensure that neither set of god parents feel obliged to give anything to their god child's sister beyond a token gift. Should there be a situation like OP's, I would simply be touched that my child was such a priority to her gp. I said it earlier, this relationship is a special one and free from mum, dad etc. and should be respected. I would feel utterly ashamed if I took money intended for my dd and just divvied it out due to the fact that other kids had not received the same....

Cravey you seem like an honourable god mother and I totally understand your grievance. Stop giving money and set up an account which your godson can access at 18. Should he then choose to share with his sister then that is his right. Until then it is actually theft on his mothers part.

Original poster

Cravey · 24/08/2013 18:43

Guys thanks for tall the advice this morning. I've called the mum and explained the situation her answer is that I should give both her children the amount that my godson receives. My answer to that is a very polite but firm no. She also asked how much my other godchildren receive and if their siblings get the same. I told her to mind her own business. I have decided that I will from this year be sending a smaller than usual cash amount to my godson and she can share this between them. I was going to give them the usual amount but she told me he doesn't know how much he gets as she never tells him. I also asked about his own bank account but he doesn't have one. I am pretty shocked to be honest at her reaction, but my dh thinks its pretty standard for her.

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primroseyellow · 24/08/2013 18:54

I am surprised at tone of some replies. I have 3 siblings, we had different godparents. Each set of godparents only sent gifts to their godchild (and only at Christmas as far as I remember) and nothing to others. This included godparents who were close relatives. We all accepted this as the norm.

lotsofdirections · 24/08/2013 19:02

I recently inherited nearly £100,000 from my godmother , I am not sharing it equally with DB and DSis. I paid for a big family holiday for them their spouses and their DC but that is it. The rest will be mine and my DC which is what my lovely godmother wanted.

SamanthaMulder · 24/08/2013 19:05

I've called the mum and explained the situation her answer is that I should give both her children the amount that my godson receives.
Cheeky, graspy cow!

I also asked about his own bank account but he doesn't have one.
Hmm. So she doesn't have an account set up in her son's name - is the money going to the children at all?

Yonionekanobe · 24/08/2013 19:07

My mum is godmother to 11 people (all but one no longer children). I've just calculated that were she to give all of their siblings presents that would have been a further 27 gifts.

FWIW, my parents are practising Christians and take (took now?) the responsibility of being godparents to many children seriously.

On the point about not knowing one child. DD's godmother is Australian. We are very close friends but she has recently made the decision to move home after many years. She will not therefore know my second DD (with whom i am pregnant) at all until our next trip to Sydney. I certainly wouldn't expect her to buy DD2 gifts.

Original poster

Cravey · 24/08/2013 19:40

I don't know if the money has been going to the kids at all to be honest but I'm not stopping it just cutting it down. I'm a little sad that she is this grasping but lesson learned I suppose. Godson is supposed to be coming for a visit next week lets see if it happens. I have a feeling it might not.

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Original poster

Cravey · 24/08/2013 19:42

See yonio that is a huge issue here too. I have 23 yep people 23 godchildren factor in all the siblings and it would be over 40. My husband reckons I'm asked because I give good gifts. Hate to say it but in some cases I'm wondering if he is right.

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Murtette · 24/08/2013 20:56

I'm completely with you on this one OP. FWIW, DBro and I each three godparents & none of them were godparent to us both. We were treated differently at Xmas & birthdays by these godparents & were simply told that was how life was & what it should be as we each had a special relationship with these people. DBro didn't mind in the least as the most I ever got in addition was £5 whereas I was slightly miffed as DBro got amazing presents from his godparents but I just got on with it.
I also think the mother is outrageous for demanding that you gave both the children the same larger amount especially as your godson doesn't have his own account so she could just be keeping the money & buying him & the sister a token gift & saying its from you. If you're as generous as you sound, I'd be tempted to set up an account for him yourself which you control or get him some children's bonds or do something else which the mother can't interfere with.

Original poster

Cravey · 24/08/2013 21:10

I'm not setting an account up for him as I don't feel it's my place to. After a nice chat with my husband I have decided that I'm going to send a smaller amount for both children to be shared. If she wants to moan about that then I'm afraid I won't be sending anymore cash. That's they most annoying thing IMO. She hasn't moaned about gifts etc, just the cash. I've also decided after reading this thread that my older godchildren are going to be getting a small token at xmas and birthdays from now on. They all have premium bonds so they can take those through life but I think the cash needs to stop. I'm actually really gutted about this issue and so upset that she seems to think I am here to subsidise whatever she sees fit.

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ILetHimKeep20Quid · 24/08/2013 21:19

23!!!

Original poster

Cravey · 24/08/2013 21:21

I think it's the good gifts haha. I love all of them however I am not doing the gp duty anymore.

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Pineapplefreak · 24/08/2013 21:22

Wow u have 23 godchildren? That's crazy, I think I would have declined after 5, and even that is a lot!

I think your DH could be right.

So you give gifts to 40 children twice a year?

IneedAsockamnesty · 24/08/2013 21:25

When I first joined MN there were lots of threads like this and a fair few posters said that they did the same with children's cash gifts many also said that they considered the cash to be family money or fair game for what ever they wanted to spend it on.

Before then it had never occurred to me that someone would do this,never in a million years and as far as I'm concerned its stealing (even if it is legally sanctioned stealing) because of that I have now ceased giving any cash gifts to children. out of the many children I previously sent cash to only 3 of the parents questioned me changing from cash to other gift I expect those parents were doing much the same as the ones who used the money themselves or gave it away who posted on the threads I read.

Tw1nkle · 24/08/2013 21:31

As a child who has been treated differently to a sibling, I can understand why the mother wants them to be treated the same.
For the child who misses out, it's very hard for them to understand why.
If the mother had of known that you would treat her children differently, maybe she wouldn't have had you as a godparent in the first place.....

Original poster

Cravey · 24/08/2013 21:32

Yep 23 of those gifts are a high amount of money. The rest are gifts for siblings however the grown up siblings no longer receive anything apart from a selection box ( standing joke amongst them ) I will be declining anymore requests believe me. As I said I don't mind the money and gifts. We can afford it however I don't like being told that I have to spend the same amount on a child whom I barely know.

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Original poster

Cravey · 24/08/2013 21:33

Twinkle maybe you are right. After today I have to say I think it's more a case of her being greedy.

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BumbleChum · 24/08/2013 21:33

Crazy talk here. Of course you treat godchildren differently to their siblings (unless family). I don't buy presents for my god children's sibs- I have five godchildren and between them they have eleven siblings!

Also - it is stealing from a child to 'redistribute' presents given to them to their siblings. If you want to make things 'equal' then you dig into your own pocket. Really shocked that anyone would think otherwise.

Original poster

Cravey · 24/08/2013 21:35

See bumble that's what I thought. Then read some of the replies n here and thought oh ok iabu. But not after the conversation this afternoon. I think she is greedy, rude and demanding.

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jacks365 · 24/08/2013 21:36

I've never expected my dc to receive presents from their siblings godparents. They are capable of understanding why as soon as they are old enough to recognise a difference but then again I've never felt the need to buy them all gifts on ones birthday so the others don't feel left out. Sometimes children are not given as much credit as they deserve.

Viviennemary · 24/08/2013 21:42

I think the mother is in the wrong to do this as you have specified the money is a gift for your Godchild. But on the other hand she wants her children to have the same which I can understand in a way. I think the only way round this is to give them the same amount in the future. Or even better don't give cash but presents. But if families have different people as godparents which will often be the case then children won't all get the same amount or even get anything at all. It's difficult.

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