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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children and savings

87 replies

Cravey · 24/08/2013 09:36

I don't know how I feel about this and don't know if I'm being silly. I have several godchildren. They all get the same gifts at Christmas and birthdays. However one of them has a sibling wh has other godparents. My godson gets the same cash gift as the other godchildren. His sister doesn't get the same amount as she isn't my godchild. Does that make sense ? I do gve her cash just not as much. Last night their mum told me that since the girl was born she has taken any money I have given my godson and shared it between them both. Then put it into savings for them. I don't know if I feel happy about that. In fact I am considering cutting down the amount I give them both to be honest. Aibu.

OP posts:
Squitten · 24/08/2013 10:04

I think when it comes to savings, it's a bit different than little gifts of cash here and there for treats. Savings are a very big deal for children - it's something for their future. As parent to soon-to-be three kids, I don't ever want a future day to come when the kids turn 18 and all have wildly different amounts of money to use. It would be very unfair to the ones who have less and breed resentment.

So we always try and make sure their accounts are roughly even and if that means quietly splitting money between them then so be it.

DoJo · 24/08/2013 10:05

I think it's reasonable - presumably she also shares any money that the daughter receives as presents from her godparents so that both children benefit equally. I would hate to think that one of my children would have an unfair advantage just because of the godparent that we chose - if the daughters god parents were made redundant and your god son won on the premium bonds, they could end up with a huge disparity in their savings. Being a god parent is about so much more than money that I would have thought sharing the gifts was a fairly innocuous decision.

Sirzy · 24/08/2013 10:05

You are in a position to take one child out, you don't take the other out - that to me is not making the effort with them. You have already said you see him on regular occasions so why don't you see his sister?

I am sorry but siblings should be treated the same.

Original poster
Cravey · 24/08/2013 10:05

Also I see the little boy more because he visits with his dad. If his dad comes for the weekend so does he. Therefore I know him a lot better than his sister.

OP posts:
ILetHimKeep20Quid · 24/08/2013 10:05

I would be really pissed off if someone I deemed close enough to be godparent to my first treated my second so differently.

Original poster
Cravey · 24/08/2013 10:08

So basically the only thing to do here is not give cash anymore I think. I still don't think iabu but can see why she is doing what she is. So what do you all think about me just sending a small token gift for them both. Still seeing him of course and spending time with him just cutting out the cash. He still has his premium bond to share with his sister.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cravey · 24/08/2013 10:09

I would be pissed off too. However I don't know this little girl so what am I supposed to do ? She doesn't visit with her dad as mum takes her and dad takes the boy so how do I get round that ? This little girl doesn't know me.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 24/08/2013 10:09

Just spend the same amount but give them equal - why is that such a problem?

if you gave one £10 and the other £20 just give both £15 costs you no more but its not telling the children one is more important than the others.

Ragwort · 24/08/2013 10:12

I really find it surprising that so many of you think that all the children should be treated equally. Both my DH and I are God-parents to quite a few children and we have never given gifts to the 'siblings' (except if relatives) - it hasn't stopped the requests for being a God-parent.

And what about my point (ignored Grin) that this could mean a huge number of gifts for children ........ surely that is not necessariy a good thing?

I agree with Bellini - I don't think it is essential to treat all children the same, it could be a good life lesson in understanding that everyone is not always treated equally.

Musicaltheatremum · 24/08/2013 10:13

Why don't you set up a savings fund for him that you operate and you could give it to him quietly on his 18th birthday. Then at 18 the mum can't dictate what happens to it.

Original poster
Cravey · 24/08/2013 10:13

Sirzy I don't think the kids know how much they get. I think she takes it and puts it wherever. I think the problem is that I resent spending money on a child I don't know and have met maybe three times. The logical solution is to cut down isn't it ?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 24/08/2013 10:15

I just think if you are close enough to a friend to want to buy for their children then you do so for them all.

Being a god parent wouldn't make any difference to me if whether I sent presents or not, because the role of a godparent is nothing to do with presents.

Backtobedlam · 24/08/2013 10:23

I think you are getting a bit confused with the role of a godparent-it is more about being a moral guide than a financial provider. I am godparent to several children, and I may have got something extra special for their actual christening but all other birthdays/Christmas presents are the same as their siblings. These are different celebrations unrelated to whether you are a godparent or not.

I don't always treat all siblings equally-one year I may spend extra if there's something a child really wants, but I wouldn't continually single out one child over another, that's just unnecessary and cruel.

Original poster
Cravey · 24/08/2013 10:24

Read the posts bedlam I'm not confused. I know fully what a godparent role entails. I also however chose to provide financially as I am in the position to do so.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cravey · 24/08/2013 10:25

But sirzy I think that's maybe the point. We were close however not so much now. I don't know this little girl in fact I may as well send a total stranger the money.

OP posts:
ILetHimKeep20Quid · 24/08/2013 10:26

Then you're that as a friend and should do it equally.

Mia4 · 24/08/2013 10:28

OP I understand your point but don't agree still as said above however i think your idea of a token gift is a good one. Presumably if you see the boy you can spend money on him then instead? Take him somewhere or buy something for him while out instead of sending money that you don't want split?

Sirzy · 24/08/2013 10:28

then you don't send to either. You either send to both or to neither. You have basically deicided that one child is worth having a relationship with and not the other - surely any parent would get pissed off by such blatant favouritism?

GoingUpInTheWorld · 24/08/2013 10:30

Is there any chance you could open a savings account for him but you as the trustee of it (you will need his birth certificate for this) and any extra money you would of given him, you could put the money in the savings you opened for him?

SomethingOnce · 24/08/2013 10:37

I think you should show the mother this thread - she may find it enlightening.

gamerchick · 24/08/2013 10:37

I wouldn't be treating them the same.. why should you? But then I only give to the granddaughters and not the siblings as they aren't anything to do with me. I would be mighty pissed off if any money was shared between them.

shellbot · 24/08/2013 10:39

I would send a token gift to each child costing roughly the same amount. I would then do as Mia4 suggested and spend money on the boy when you see him.

If the mother wants them to receive the same from you then she needs to ensure that you have the same relationship with the daughter, ie bringing her to see you as well.

I wouldn't be happy with her giving some of your money to the girl when she knows its intended for the boy. I'd also wonder that if she was deciding who your money should go to what's to stop her using it for other purposes. But then I'm suspicious Grin

Jinty64 · 24/08/2013 10:40

I too would split any money equally between my three children. I would not expect them to have the same spent on a gift for each birthday or at Christmas as we don't necessarily do that ourselves. They get what they need when they need it and what they want when we feel it is appropriate but it all evens out. I would not want one to be continually treated more favourably than the others.

I had a god mother, my sister didn't. We were treated the same.

Original poster
Cravey · 24/08/2013 10:41

Right guys thanks for your input. I think the way forward is a small cash gift for them both. So the little girl usually gets a gift worth around thirty pounds. The boy gets more as I said. So if I give them both twenty pound for birthday and xmas each does that sound ok. The mum can then do what she wants with that money, and when I see my godson he as someone said is getting money spent n him anyway. The last question is though, what do I do or say of mum asks me why I have cut the money down. I know I wouldn't ask but she is slightly grasping and I think she will. Thanks again. It's allowed me to see things from a different view.

OP posts:
Jinty64 · 24/08/2013 10:47

I think that sounds fine. Although if you normally give the little girl £30 you could give them both that. If she is rude enough to ask just tell her you are happy to treat them equally.