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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To resent dp being unfair?

89 replies

annabanana84 · 21/08/2013 18:56

ok, first of all Dp and I both work full-time, although he puts in a 12 hour day, whereas mine is an 8 hour day.

I don't drive, dp drives for his job.

I do every single bit of the housework, and despite hectic schedules, I manage to keep the house in quite a clean and tidy state, although dp's shoddiness can often make it look untidy even after I've spent my whole day off cleaning it. I asked him to start doing the vacuuming every other day, but he hasn't lifted a finger. When I say I do everything, I mean everything, oh, but because dp does stay in bed longer than I do one day a week, he makes the bed.

I've got used to doing all the housework and all and don't generally mind too much, but today I feel tired and to avoid the two-hour-long bus journey home, I asked dp to pick me up on his way home from work. He would have to come 5 miles out of his way for this, but seeing as he lives in a fucking hotel like the prince of Sheba, I thought he might like to do this for me. He said he wouldn't though. Ffs, I am pissed off now. It's not the first time he's refused to collect me. On average I only ask him around once every few months to pick me up. Everytime it's a no. I suppose I should learn by now not to ask.

OP posts:
Retroformica · 22/08/2013 04:52

Utter twat I agree. There is no excuse for him not remembering you are vegan.

Retroformica · 22/08/2013 04:56

I do think vacuuming a house alternate days is a bit daft if only unitised by 2 adults

I would let him do his own washing, ironing and throw anything he leaves around into a large box.

Lweji · 22/08/2013 06:52

Actually, I think you should take care of all home work and cooking.
After kicking him out.

Even if you manage to get it better he'll revert as soon as he can and most definitely if you end up marrying and having children.

He's not considerate nor caring. And he doesn't love you.

Get rid now.

themaltesefalcon · 22/08/2013 07:30

You aren't a vegan.

Stop being a dramatic flouncy victim and end it already.

hophophippidtyhop · 22/08/2013 07:40

I don't drive, and one of my two working days is a saturday. Dp will always take me the 8 miles to work on that day. Lately I've started taking the bus home (more to do with not dragging the dd's out again), but in the past he's usually come and picked me up too. He also tidies the kitchen when he comes in, as I've made dinner, will stick some washing on unasked, and will do housework too with no asking.
He's treating you like paid help, not a partner. Tell him you're not happy and what you'd like to see changed. If he doesn't, you need to stop doing things for him. Don't cook his food, or even buy food for him. Don't wash his clothes or clean. And if nothing changes, you need to reconsider your relationship, and whether you want to be his doormat for life, remembering peoples foibles only become worse as they get older.

ZillionChocolate · 22/08/2013 08:17

You're not likely to change him, is this the life you want forever?

Inertia · 22/08/2013 08:48

This is not a considerate man.

This is a man testing the boundaries around how much shitty and controlling behaviour you will put up with.

Trying to make his partner eat food that he knows full well you don't eat - why on earth did you consider eating just to appease him ?He can eat his own sodding fishcakes!

Refusing to pick you up is really spiteful - it would add 10 minutes to his journey and save you 2 hours. This is how little he values you - you are not worth 10 minutes of his time.

If you add in 2 hours each way journey time you have a 12 hour working shift too. Then you do another job of cooking and cleaning. But it's not just that , because you have to clean up the mess that this man actively makes and leaves for you , because you are his skivvy.

This man does not respect you at all , and the food control is a bigger deal than you think. Don't sign up for a life of this, and for Pete's sake don't have children with him.

bigkidsdidit · 22/08/2013 09:04

Oh FGS all this 'ill have to eat them now' - stop revelling in it. Just leave.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 22/08/2013 09:09

He sounds very, very selfish OP. I note at the start of the thread that you posted good points in his favour were "He takes me away a lot, and takes me for nice meals", but these are all things that benefit him as well, aren't they? In effect, he's going for a nice meal and he's going away a lot and he's paying for a companion when he goes.

You said that he was "really kind", but have a think - what does he do for you that benefits only you? Because it sounds very much like he only does things that benefit him.

By the way, I can think of no situation on earth where anyone I know would consider leaving one's partner to a 2-hour journey in order to save themselves 10 minutes would be reasonable.

PunkHedgehog · 22/08/2013 10:44

There are two ways to 'forget' that someone is a vegan.

Scenario 1: Man gives his partner a box of Turkish delight, partner points out it contains gelatin, man says 'Does it? I'm very sorry I didn't realise.' and eats it himself. Next day he spends some time in his lunch break carefully reading labels, and brings home a box of Booja Booja truffles instead.

Scenario 2: Man cooks ham and fish and then shouts at parter for not eating it, telling her it's all her fault.

Scenario 1 is absolutely fine. Even thoughtful people make mistakes.

Scenario 2 is not fine. In the best case he's an inconsiderate, self-absorbed arse who doesn't spend a millisecond thinking about his partner's needs. In the worse case he's a controlling and abusive arse who's doing it to wear down his partner so she'll put up with steadily worse and worse behaviour. Either way, he's an arse.

Different housework standards are not a big deal in an otherwise good relationship - you have a conversation, the untidy person makes an effort to put things away, the vacuumer agrees that once a week is enough, and you both resolve to be a little more tolerant. But housework really isn't the problem in this case, is it?

KateSpade · 22/08/2013 11:37

It sounds more like he's annoyed that y

KateSpade · 22/08/2013 11:39

Sorry...
That your a vegan, as if he's fed up of you making life hard work with your food choices.

Not a nice man! I had a friend that was vegan, gluten free, ect & her boyfriend and all of her friends used to plan food around her, I'll admit it was frustrating at times, but we all did it!

YouStayClassySanDiego · 22/08/2013 11:45

I don't think OP will be back, there'll be another thread in a few weeks when he's done something else nasty and she has a moan yet chooses to do fuck all about it.

OP You're worth more than this, do you really want to spend your life with a mean, spiteful shower of shite like this man?

SilverOldie · 22/08/2013 13:02

I think YouStayClassy is spot on. Surely having no man in your life would be better than this pathetic excuse for one.

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