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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To resent dp being unfair?

89 replies

annabanana84 · 21/08/2013 18:56

ok, first of all Dp and I both work full-time, although he puts in a 12 hour day, whereas mine is an 8 hour day.

I don't drive, dp drives for his job.

I do every single bit of the housework, and despite hectic schedules, I manage to keep the house in quite a clean and tidy state, although dp's shoddiness can often make it look untidy even after I've spent my whole day off cleaning it. I asked him to start doing the vacuuming every other day, but he hasn't lifted a finger. When I say I do everything, I mean everything, oh, but because dp does stay in bed longer than I do one day a week, he makes the bed.

I've got used to doing all the housework and all and don't generally mind too much, but today I feel tired and to avoid the two-hour-long bus journey home, I asked dp to pick me up on his way home from work. He would have to come 5 miles out of his way for this, but seeing as he lives in a fucking hotel like the prince of Sheba, I thought he might like to do this for me. He said he wouldn't though. Ffs, I am pissed off now. It's not the first time he's refused to collect me. On average I only ask him around once every few months to pick me up. Everytime it's a no. I suppose I should learn by now not to ask.

OP posts:
LEMisdisappointed · 21/08/2013 19:35

will he have dinner ready for you when you get home?

AnnieLobeseder · 21/08/2013 19:35

What was his reason for refusing you a lift, OP? I hope it was a good one. Because I just can't conceive of DH or I ever even considering refusing to help each other out unless we had an extraordinarily good reason, and even then we'd try to think of a way to fit that favour into our plans.

Apart from the occasional meal out to keep you sweet, what does he really contribute to your life? On balance, does he make your life easier or more difficult? I'm not saying you should leave him, but realising that your life would probably be easier without him and that you don't need him is very liberating, and means that you hold all the cards when you discuss with him the enormous and rapid changes that are about to occur to your domestic setup.

Squitten · 21/08/2013 19:38

YANBU to feel resentful. He sounds like he's unfair in a lot of ways.

Problem with resentment is that it's often the beginning of the end of many relationships. The fact that you are already thinking that you should modify your behaviour, i,e. stop asking, so as not to cause strife is also a bad sign.

I would recommend raising your standards instead

GrandstandingBlueTit · 21/08/2013 19:39

I do every single bit of the Housework

...although dp's shoddiness can often make it look untidy even after I've spent my whole day off cleaning it.

I asked him to start doing the vacuuming every other day, but he hasn't lifted a finger.

I asked dp to pick me up on his way home from work ... He said he wouldn't though.

We've been together for years! How can he forget im a vegan!

For instance, he'll come in with a carrier of shopping and will lay it out on the counter rather than put it away. Despite me asking him to put it all away, only half will actually go away, and the other half will remain on the counter top. Why?!?!?!

Same with the washing up. On the rare occasion he will do it, he'll wash and put away all, apart from two or three spoons or something like that.

I think I'm going to have to look 'considerate' up in the dictionary, because they must've come up with some new-fanged definition of it, if the above is now classed as 'considerate'.

gamerchick · 21/08/2013 19:40

come to jesus conversation

That's the second person who's said that.. I take it it isn't common on here.

from google.

^1. come to jesus meeting
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162 up, 58 down

A meeting where someone close to you (e.g. friend, family, etc.) are confronted over behavior that's causing consternation that's negatively effecting your relationship.
"You and your brother need to have a come to jesus meeting over you always having to do his chores and yours."^

annabanana84 · 21/08/2013 19:50

I had to ban him from cooking because he left the kitchen in such a state afterwards, and the state remained even after he was supposed to have cleaned up after himself.

I get quite down when the housework piles up and then I have to do it all on my day off. It's a rented accommodation and it's lovely where we've got, so I want to keep it nice and clean, just like anyone would I suppose. Before we moved in together (at a different address) I had much higher standards in house cleanliness, but because he is so untidy, I dropped my standards so that I didn't wear myself out constantly trying to keep the house nice.

OP posts:
Jovellanos · 21/08/2013 19:54

Bloody hell OP.

Just - why?

littlewhitebag · 21/08/2013 19:54

You haven't said whether he could save you a horrible journey every day by coming to collect you? This is what normal, loving considerate partners would do.

Jovellanos · 21/08/2013 19:55

YANBU to resent your DP.

But I'm afraid YABVVVU for putting up with it in the first place.

You do have a choice, you know. Why not exercise it?

MrsWilberforce · 21/08/2013 20:00

I can understand him not being mad about housework if he works 12 hour shifts - people have very different standards about these things anyway as you say. The fact that you have 'banned' him from the kitchen is only reinforcing the idea that housework and cooking etc is your dept.

What I really can't get over is that he just refused to come and pick you up to save you such a long journey home - just said he wouldn't - fgs! That's is so uncaring and coupled with the fact that he can't even be bothered to remember something so fundamental as your veganism means you are doomed as a couple.

annabanana84 · 21/08/2013 20:12

Well, I just got home and dp has cooked me tea. All lovely, except it's shop bought pea and ham soup, and fish cakes. I am vegan. I said I can't eat that dp, and he flounced off saying that he can't win, which I agree is true, so I walked out. I'm going to have to go back now and eat pea and ham soup and a poor fucking fish just to keep the peace. I feel sick.

OP posts:
WandaDoff · 21/08/2013 20:14

Is his name Martin?

I had an ex just like that.

He was a selfish twat.

littlewhitebag · 21/08/2013 20:14

FFS - he knows you are vegan, surely he knows the kind of thing you eat? Please don't go in and eat it. Go and tell him everything you have told us here. It all needs to be out in the open.

nkf · 21/08/2013 20:17

Banned him from the kitchen is a bit of an odd thing to say in my opinion. It's possible that you are a bit excessive about housework. But the vegan thing and the lift thing are both very bad indeed. He doesn't care about what you eat or how comfortable you are.

noisytoys · 21/08/2013 20:19

I would go as far as saying making you a meal he knows you morally object to, and putting you in a position where you feel forced to eat it is abuse!

gamerchick · 21/08/2013 20:19

Yes a come to jesus conversation is definitely needed.

Man, don't eat something you don't want to/can't eat just to keep the peace.. seriously!

Stop trying to see his view.. he's being a bellend about the most basic of home harmonys. Getting that sorted.. enhances the rest and his good points.

GrandstandingBlueTit · 21/08/2013 20:21

I'm going to have to go back now and eat pea and ham soup and a poor fucking fish just to keep the peace. I feel sick.

What??

No, you don't have to do that.

Do you have children together? If so, get the hell out now.

It doesn't have to be like this.

GrandstandingBlueTit · 21/08/2013 20:22

If not, get the hell out now.

If so, organise yourself, and then even more get the hell out.

ThereGoesTheYear · 21/08/2013 20:25

Getting the arse because a vegan won't eat a fish is atrocious and controlling behaviour. He's not fucking stupid. He knew you wouldntbwantbto eat it but will watch you swallow it to please him. What a cunt.

As for his good points? So he takes you out for meals and away a lot. And does he not eat nice meals when you go out? Does he not enjoy the nice trips away? It doesn't balance the other stuff either way, but I can't really see this as a positive trait. Unless he's going to vegan restaurants and places that you really like and he doesn't. Or... Does he keep his money separate and is the higher wage earner (due to his 12 hour days that you make up for by dong all the shit work?)

YouStayClassySanDiego · 21/08/2013 20:26

Stop keeping the peace!!

He's a twat, why stay with such a dick?

How can you eat ham if you're a vegan??

AnnieLobeseder · 21/08/2013 20:27

On another track, if you eat ham and fish, you are not a vegan. You are just someone who prefers not to eat animal products but will in order to appease their dickhead DP.

You do realise he does these things on purpose, don't you? No-one forgets that their long-term partner doesn't eat animals. He knows, he's just trying to control you.

Got gods sake, grow a pair and put an end to this madness!

CreatureRetorts · 21/08/2013 20:27

He can win.

Learn what vegan means FFS.

LTB

Longtalljosie · 21/08/2013 20:28

Hang on there a fucking minute.

You're going to eat the ham and the fish?!?

Now - don't get me wrong. I am a committed carnivore married to a veggie, and if he had a change of heart I would throw a parade. But he won't, he would never eat meat - so why would you? How's he going to take your vegan ism seriously if you're people pleasing to this extent?

Get counselling to work out why you're prepared to put up with this level if shite

And - since it looks like you don't have children - I can't understand why you'd think twice about dumping him!

Mabelface · 21/08/2013 20:28

Don't fucking eat it! He's being a twat and he's done this on purpose to make you feel like you're the unreasonable one. Tell him to get to fuck.

CreatureRetorts · 21/08/2013 20:29

OP, you are acting a bit stupid TBH. Why are you making excuses and running after him even though he's disrespecting you?

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