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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To resent dp being unfair?

89 replies

annabanana84 · 21/08/2013 18:56

ok, first of all Dp and I both work full-time, although he puts in a 12 hour day, whereas mine is an 8 hour day.

I don't drive, dp drives for his job.

I do every single bit of the housework, and despite hectic schedules, I manage to keep the house in quite a clean and tidy state, although dp's shoddiness can often make it look untidy even after I've spent my whole day off cleaning it. I asked him to start doing the vacuuming every other day, but he hasn't lifted a finger. When I say I do everything, I mean everything, oh, but because dp does stay in bed longer than I do one day a week, he makes the bed.

I've got used to doing all the housework and all and don't generally mind too much, but today I feel tired and to avoid the two-hour-long bus journey home, I asked dp to pick me up on his way home from work. He would have to come 5 miles out of his way for this, but seeing as he lives in a fucking hotel like the prince of Sheba, I thought he might like to do this for me. He said he wouldn't though. Ffs, I am pissed off now. It's not the first time he's refused to collect me. On average I only ask him around once every few months to pick me up. Everytime it's a no. I suppose I should learn by now not to ask.

OP posts:
FryOneFatManic · 21/08/2013 20:29

You've been together for years, and he still doesn't remember what you eat as a vegan.

Basically he is being disrespectful of you and your food choices. If he really cared, he would certainly remember that you don't eat ham or fish as a vegan.

AnnieLobeseder · 21/08/2013 20:29

Can you tell us why he wouldn't pick you up, OP?

NicknameIncomplete · 21/08/2013 20:31

DONT EAT THAT MEAL

He is a twat & u need to go back, pack a bag & leave.

Whoknowswhocares · 21/08/2013 20:34

OMFG. You are seriously considering eating something he deliberately made knowing you wouldn't be able to eat it? No way has he either forgotten or not understood your veganism.

What exactly is it going to take OP for you to stop rolling over and being such a bloody mug?

pennefab · 21/08/2013 20:40

As others noted, a loving partner would not make you something that you wouldn't eat. It's just not on.
Secondly, tell him that picking you up, while it is a minor inconvenience for him, would mean that you both extra get quality time together (in the car). Most loving partners would go out of their way to allow extra togetherness/family time.
Don't be a doormat.
By the way, YANBU to be resentful of your dp.

wigglesrock · 21/08/2013 20:43

He's doing this deliberately, you do know that don't you? What are you going to give up next or do next to keep the peace?

If the numbers at the end of your user name are anything to do with your date of birth, you are young, don't stay or put up with this behaviour.

There really is just no reason for him to cook this dinner for you, apart from to hurt you and let you know who's in charge.

dreamingbohemian · 21/08/2013 20:43

It sounds like you don't have DC together. If that's the case, I can't think why on earth you are still with him.

flowery · 21/08/2013 20:49

If he can pick you up with a 5 mile deviation why do you ever have a 2 hr bus journey? Surely he should be collecting you every day?

SilverOldie · 21/08/2013 21:07

I simply cannot understand why you have tolerated this person being in your life and behaving as he does. Is sex once week worth it? NO! For heaven's sake don't eat the food which he KNOWS you cannot eat because you are a vegan and he can't be bothered to drive 5 measly miles to pick you up. Dump him.

Honestly, your life would be immeasurably better without this lazy slob in it, how could it be worse?

SquinkiesRule · 21/08/2013 21:28

He knows you're vegan he knows Fish and ham are not in your diet, he's a complete twat. You know he did this on purpose to try and convince you that you are wrong and he's "trying" he's not, he's a cocklodger.
He's not very loving, he doesn't give a crap that you spend 2 hours traveling home when he could spend 5 minutes to make a loving gesture and pick you up.
Not sure why you are even bothering with this arse of a man.
He's showing you he only cares about himself why are you ignoring that?

Squitten · 21/08/2013 21:30

Why on earth are you concerned about keeping the peace?! If my husband served me that meal, I'd shove it somewhere he'd remember it next time!

Why are you bending over backwards to placate this tosser when you should be raging at him?

Buddhagirl · 21/08/2013 21:40

If you have eaten the ham and fish.... Then he has utter control over you and you should get some help to find your way again.

This hardly adds up, your dp knows you are a vegan and has done for ages, he cooks you meat then flounces off when you won't eat it.

You must be a part time vegan. Surely? Or he is... Ill or sadistic.

Summit ain't right.

solarbright · 21/08/2013 21:44

It's a rented property. Leave. Just take all your stuff and go. Find yourself a lovely place to live where you won't have to clean up after that twattish slob. Where the food will be vegan (pea and fucking ham soup??? Seriously?) and where you won't have to deal with some bastard refusing to drive 10 minutes out of his way to give you a lift.

What the fuck, woman. You deserve better than this. A lot better. You sound a lovely person and you need to get away or he'll suck all the joy right out of you. Go be happy somewhere away from his crap.

Here: Wine and Cake, both vegan. Have a little break and plot your escape.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 21/08/2013 21:49

No, don't leave - get him to. You're the one who looks after the place and likes it.

He really has got this set up nicely, hasn't he? He is inept at doing housework or cooking, so you 'ban' him from the kitchen... Do you reckon he displays such idiotic behaviour - I mean like serving ham or fish for a vegan - at work? No, thought not. That's saved for you so that you won't ask him to do anything else ever again.

gamerchick has nailed it in her first post. Either have the 'come to Jesus' convo Grin or stop doing anything for him.

And a 'kind and considerate' person wouldn't repeatedly refuse to pick you up from work. Does 'kind and considerate' equate to 'doesn't beat you up' here?

Repeatedlydoingthetwist · 21/08/2013 21:52

I want to say please don't eat that meal but I'm guessing by now you will have. Would you have eaten it if it was something you were allergic to as well???

OxfordBags · 21/08/2013 21:55

Of course he fucking remembers that you're a vegan and what you don't eat. He just likes mindfucking you by pretending he doesn't so he can then call you selfish for not appreciating his 'efforts' and then get out of pulling his weight because you're so ungrateful, blahdiblah.

This man is an abusive, entitled cunt. But you are also one of the biggest doormats I've ever read about on MN, sorry to be harsh.

minibmw2010 · 21/08/2013 22:07

Stop being such a doormat! I'm assuming you aren't married and there are no children? Then have some respect and walk!

Helpyourself · 21/08/2013 22:14

I agree with mini.
Walk away.

NapaCab · 21/08/2013 22:19

He sounds like a selfish uncaring prick, to be frank.

But if you must stay with him and he has some redeeming features, you both work long hours and you have a 2 hour commute so why not treat yourselves and hire a cleaner? For other stuff like him not putting shopping away etc, just leave it there until he puts it away. Seriously, let the laundry pile up, the dishes, the food on the counter, forget about it and let him do it. The only reason he isn't doing it is because he knows that you will. Eventually.

NapaCab · 21/08/2013 22:32

I wouldn't necessarily assume that he cooked the meal in a spiteful controlling way. We can't assume this guy some evil mind-control freak based on a few posts!

It sounds to me like he was at the shop, fancied himself some ham-and-pea soup, saw the fish cakes and though 'uh, I like them n' all, yum' stuck them in the basket and then got home and half-remembered that OP was going to need a dinner too and was like 'oh well, she can eat it, it's not going to kill her for once. I really fancied those fish cakes tonight, yum' (imagines guy's slack-jawed drooling and blank-eyed stare).

I wouldn't read deeply complex motives into this guy's actions, he just sounds like your average numpty who never thinks about anyone but himself. Still not a keeper but not a sociopath either!

Pollydon · 21/08/2013 22:43

OP, this makes me feel Sad for you. Its all about respect, my love, starting with self respect.

foreverondiet · 21/08/2013 23:08

Do you have children with this man. Because if not I think seriously time to evaluate the relationship. He should pick you up every day if 2 hour bus ride and only 5 miles out of him way. Sounds very selfish.

CorrineFoxworth · 21/08/2013 23:15

The third thread today about unbelievably piss-taking men Hmm

Repeatedlydoingthetwist · 21/08/2013 23:19

Yes but Napa that still means that he's selfish and hasn't thought about the OP in his decision making process.

CorrineFoxworth · 21/08/2013 23:22

Oh Christ OP, that sounded as if I were insinuating that the nice people from certain other forums have been trying to make friends with us again. That was not what I meant at all Shock

This man is an utter twat. Best wishes.

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