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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to find DH's hairiness repulsive

52 replies

Mixedupmuddledup · 21/08/2013 08:18

I've n/c for this but am a regular, just don't want this linked to me as I think DH knows my user name.

He has always been quite hirsute and it's never bothered me, I quite like some of it in fact - bit like having a real life teddy bear! But as he's got older he's got hairier in places that are less appealing - like his back - and I find it really gross.

I know I should accept him as he is as I would expect him to do if something happened that changed my appearance, and I know it's not his fault, just one of those things, but it's really putting me off touching him, I can't help it.

I think what really pisses me off is that he refuses to do anything about it. I was very overweight for a while, I realised it wasn't ideal so I (slowly and with a lot of effort) lost weight. I could accept this if it was something he had no choice about but he could easily go and get waxed or something - he doesn't seem to care though, finds it funny in fact (nervous laughter though maybe?) and makes no attempt to hide it from me - he just lumbers into bed all naked and hairy and doesnt even think of putting a tshirt on despite knowing I hate seeing it.

I'm prepared to be told I'm being a cow, I know I should be more tolerant and love him as he is but surely he should make some effort to ensure I still find him attractive?

OP posts:

everlong · 21/08/2013 08:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChasedByBees · 21/08/2013 08:24

I do think that you're being quite harsh actually. I don't think losing weight and being hairy are quite the same either. It sounds like you wanted to lose weight and weight has other health issues associated.

Regular back waxes would be painful and leave red dots where the hair used to be and be so time consuming (disclaimer: speaking as a woman who's quite lax about dealing with body hair here).

I think as people get older and their bodies change, it's a bit unrealistic to deal with all the things that might change to stay attractive - what if he got wrinkles you didn't like? Should he have surgery?

Lazyjaney · 21/08/2013 08:37

Clearly the correct advice here is LTB, though if the sexes were reversed he'd be told to love you as you now are, hair and all - and if he couldn't then just LTB....

I'd put some wolfsbane under your pillow though, just in case

livinginwonderland · 21/08/2013 08:59

If some guy came on here and said "my wife has hairy xyz and refuses to shave. I find it really repulsive." loads of people would tell him he was a shit and that he should accept her as she is.

YANBU not to like it but YABU to expect him to shave/wax if he doesn't want to.

HariboAndWine · 21/08/2013 09:14

Yabu! at expecting him to wear a t shirt to bed so you don't have to see it. That's awful. Losing and gaining weight is within your control but becoming hairier isn't.

echt · 21/08/2013 09:23

Yeah, you're a cow. He can't help getting hairier.

YABdoublyU for trying to equate your weight loss with his hairiness.

Sallyingforth · 21/08/2013 09:33

YABU. Enjoy the hairy beast!

dreamingbohemian · 21/08/2013 09:37

How is your relationship generally? It seems a bit of a harsh attitude toward someone who makes you happy, you love to pieces, etc.

mayorquimby · 21/08/2013 09:41

How did he treat you when you were overweight before you decided it was not ideal?
Repulsed? Suggestion liposuction? Insisting you cover up?

Dobbiesmum · 21/08/2013 10:01

DH is getting hairier on his back as he gets older, it's not really something that repulsed me as such, hairy men aren't my thing in general but I am able to ignore the patch that's growing on his back.. Unless he pisses me off in bed by snoring... Then plucking one or 2 hairs with the tweezers generally makes him turn over and shut up
YABU really, insisting he covers up is a little unkind.

StupidFlanders · 21/08/2013 10:06

Agree with mayorquimby.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 21/08/2013 10:10

Yabu DP is hairy, im not too keen on the hairy back myself but wouldn't expect him to cover up or remove it.

Being hairy and being over weight are not the same, unless he made you wear a tee shirt in bed and moaned about how repulsive he found you

Original poster

mixedupmuddledup · 21/08/2013 10:13

He's never treated me any differently even when I was quite overweight . Things are OK between us but no more than that - is anyone's marriage all romance and roses after 13 years?

I totally see that I'm being a bitch but why would you not want to address something if you knew your partner found it unattractive?

OP posts:

specialsubject · 21/08/2013 10:13

waxing really hurts, why should he?

we all change as we age. We all try to look after ourselves as much as possible but some things just have to be accepted. For those who appreciate a loving, helpful, interesting partner and have a relationship of mutual respect, it isn't an issue.

unlike porking up, this is beyond his control and isn't a health risk.

telling your life partner to cover up because you find him ugly is....unbelievable.

dreamingbohemian · 21/08/2013 10:18

Are you happy to settle for 'no more than OK'?

I don't think that automatically has to be the case at 13 years, no.

As for doing something about unattractive features -- I think it depends what the 'doing something' is. Plucking a few stray hairs, maybe, but getting your back waxed??? That's quite an ask.

Original poster

mixedupmuddledup · 21/08/2013 10:22

But I don't find it respectful to me that he doesn't care! He isn't in the least bit bothered about his appearance, never makes an effort and won't spend more than a fiver on any item of clothing. Fair enough, he's not into that sort of thing but if it matters to me he could meet me half way couldn't he?

OP posts:

dreamingbohemian · 21/08/2013 10:25

Do you think the hair would bother you less if he did all these other things then? ie dressed better, tried to look nicer. Is it more that this is just the last straw after years of being annoyed by him not caring generally?

natwebb79 · 21/08/2013 10:26

Did he care about his appearance and spend a lot on clothes when you met him?

livinginwonderland · 21/08/2013 10:27

I know several couples who are in very happy marriages after more than 13 years. My parents have been together 30 years this year and they're still very happy and in love. And it shows.

Is it possible that you find it "repulsive" because you don't feel as strongly towards him as you once did? I think it's pretty unreasonable to expect someone to go through the pain of waxing when a) they don't want to be and b) they don't need to. It's his hair. We ALL get hairier and saggier and get wrinkles as we get older. That shouldn't mean your partner starts to love you any less, and if DP told me "You're too hairy, cover up or wax" he wouldn't be my DP for much longer.

LEMisdisappointed · 21/08/2013 10:27

This makes me sad, are people really that shallow?

Fakebook · 21/08/2013 10:28

It must have been a gradual thing though? He didn't wake up one morning with a hairy back did he? If you didn't feel repulsed with a tiny amount of back hair, you shouldn't feel repulsed now either. I think there has to be something fundamentally wrong in a relationship when someone begins to feel disgusted by their husband or wife's appearance.

Emilythornesbff · 21/08/2013 10:31

A hairy backed DH is a gift.
When he is snoring you can just pluck one of the lovelies out. He wakes, stops snoring and is none the wiser

SJisontheway · 21/08/2013 10:32

I really think this is your issue which you need to work on yourself. I don't think its reasonable to want someone you love to go through painful and time consuming procedures to make them more aesthetically pleasing to you.

FrauMoose · 21/08/2013 10:32

I think people get older. As my Spouse has got into his early sixties, he has got quite bald, but his eyebrows have got more hairy! I've always trimmed his nose hair for him, but otherwise have just watched the changes - and quite approved of lots of them. (He has a good-shaped head, which emerges more clearly now the hair on top has all gone.)

As people have said hair removal is time-consuming and painful. A pretty big ask.

What would be fair for you to do for him in return? A Brazilian? Or other treatments to disguise the inevitable onset of aging. Keep dying the hair on your head? A boob job? A Brazilian?

Or if it matters that much to you, trade your husband for a younger model and do your best to conform to the younger model's tastes and preferences?

thebody · 21/08/2013 10:37

gosh no yabu and a tad cruel. btw 13 years is just at the start of things. we clocked 25 and yes life is tough but we as a couple are great.

can't you pretend he's the hot wolf from twilight? do it for me!😃

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