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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to find DH's hairiness repulsive

52 replies

Mixedupmuddledup · 21/08/2013 08:18

I've n/c for this but am a regular, just don't want this linked to me as I think DH knows my user name.

He has always been quite hirsute and it's never bothered me, I quite like some of it in fact - bit like having a real life teddy bear! But as he's got older he's got hairier in places that are less appealing - like his back - and I find it really gross.

I know I should accept him as he is as I would expect him to do if something happened that changed my appearance, and I know it's not his fault, just one of those things, but it's really putting me off touching him, I can't help it.

I think what really pisses me off is that he refuses to do anything about it. I was very overweight for a while, I realised it wasn't ideal so I (slowly and with a lot of effort) lost weight. I could accept this if it was something he had no choice about but he could easily go and get waxed or something - he doesn't seem to care though, finds it funny in fact (nervous laughter though maybe?) and makes no attempt to hide it from me - he just lumbers into bed all naked and hairy and doesnt even think of putting a tshirt on despite knowing I hate seeing it.

I'm prepared to be told I'm being a cow, I know I should be more tolerant and love him as he is but surely he should make some effort to ensure I still find him attractive?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 21/08/2013 10:38

I totally see that I'm being a bitch but why would you not want to address something if you knew your partner found it unattractive?

You're passing the buck here

It's you who needs to address your problem

Because it is your problem. It's certainly not his.

You need to learn to deal with it and get over it.

MarysDressSways · 21/08/2013 10:39

My husband is super hairy and over the last few years has developed back hair. Although yes, I would prefer he didn't have it (as I'm sure he would too), I wouldn't dream of saying anything to him because I love him and wouldn't want to hurt him or make him uncomfortable. It's not that big a deal.

As for describing your husband as "lumbering into bed all naked and hairy".. that's an unkind way of describing him isn't it?

We've been together 15 years by the way. Not that that is relevant!

HatieKokpins · 21/08/2013 10:41

"doesnt even think of putting a tshirt on despite knowing I hate seeing it ... I know I should be more tolerant and love him as he is but surely he should make some effort to ensure I still find him attractive?

Possibly the bitchiest thing I've read today. How would you feel if he suggested putting a paper bag over your head so he finds you more attractive? Same principle.

dreamingbohemian · 21/08/2013 10:43

Actually, I have a bit more sympathy for the OP if it's more a matter of her turning a blind eye to all these other things and then this one final thing crops up and it's just too much.

But, you have to put things in perspective. I suspect if you were happier in your relationship all this wouldn't bother you so much.

You are not necessarily wrong to want your partner to make more of an effort, but you are wrong to expect that of him if that's just not the kind of person he is (especially if his not caring extends to not being bothered by your appearance either).

Lweji · 21/08/2013 10:43

but he could easily go and get waxed or something

Outch.

I don't know what your level of hairiness is, but if a partner made me wax any part of my body because he found it repulsive, he'd be on his way.

LessMissAbs · 21/08/2013 10:43

YABU. He sounds comfortable with himself. YABU for marrying an already hairy man and then complaining about the ageing process. As bad as hairy is, its not as repulsive as some metrosexual man who spends all his time on personal grooming.

But yes, if it bothers you that much, ltb and trade him in for a younger less hairy man.

Good luck with that one.

Original poster

mixedupmuddledup · 21/08/2013 10:46

I clearly am a shallow bitch then :( I don't mean to be unkind, it's just that I make an effort to look nice and I didn't think it was a big ask for DH to do the same but it's true that he's never been that into appearances so I guess it's unreasonable to expect him to change now.

TBH I think my finding this such a big deal is symptomatic of other issues in our relationship but I'm not willing to go down that road at the moment so I'll give the Twilight fantasies a go and try to put it to the back of my mind.

Thanks for the balanced MN responses (genuinely - I'm not being sarcastic).

OP posts:

seensomuch · 21/08/2013 10:47

you should stop shaving your legs and underarms , if that repulses him , then he might have a rethink about waxing his back .

ChunkyPickle · 21/08/2013 10:50

DP is very hairy - if he decided to wax his back, the problem would be figuring out where to stop, he really is a human teddy.

Pre-DP if asked I would have said that I didn't find hair attractive, on DP I wouldn't say that I found it attractive, but I also wouldn't say that it bothered me at all - it's part of him, I love him, so the hair is neither here nor there (although, the hair in the shower, the hairballs around the carpet edges, the washing machine filter, the sound of him plucking nose hairs etc.. that does make me sigh).

Are you sure the hair is the actual problem or is it a symptom of something else?

ChunkyPickle · 21/08/2013 10:52

Aahhh. X-post... you're already thinking in that direction... good luck, it's a tough situation to be in.

stickortwist · 21/08/2013 10:52

Well I immac dh' s back. It doesn't really bother him normally but he started going swimming more and whilst he would never get it waxed he tried to immac it himself and got into a right mess ( it's quite difficult to do your own back)
I prefer a hairless back but like a hairy chest so I can see where you are coming from. But I had to wait for him to see it as an issue before mentioning it to him. Is it a bit indicative of him not putting in much of a effort or taking you for granted?

dreamingbohemian · 21/08/2013 10:53

I think it's easy to fall into a pattern of thinking, I do X, why can't he do X? But if he's never done X, it's not fair to expect it just because you do it.

I think it's pretty clear this isn't just about the hair. Maybe start a thread in Relationships when you're ready.

Feminine · 21/08/2013 10:53

My DH is 'normal' hairy. Very dark hair , head and body.

But...recently his work boots have stripped the hair from his lower legs!

It is putting me in mind of my Grandad.

I'd like the hair back please.

Dahlen · 21/08/2013 11:02

YANBU to find it unattractive. No one can help what they do and don't find sexually attractive/off-putting.

YABU if you make a huge issue out of it in its own right though. think about how you'd have felt if your DH said to you he found your excess weight repulsive.

I get where you're coming from though. Illness, accident, ageing process - all these things affect the way we look and a good relationship should be able to accommodate them. However, IMO (and this is only my personal opinion) the day you stop caring about your appearance can signify that you have given up on yourself, your relationship and life in general to a greater or lesser degree, and it can feel hard to feel attracted to someone with that level of apathy. Part of our desire for partners is down to the way they make us feel about ourselves, and not bothering to make an effort can make us feel that we're not worth making the effort for. IT can become highly dysfunctional very quickly.

I have no idea about how you could broach the subject sensitively without hurting his feelings though.

specialsubject · 21/08/2013 11:05

most men will become hairier as they age. Not removing it is NOT a sign of 'not caring about appearance'. Any more than not dyeing grey hair is a sign of a slob.

Get real, people. Life isn't like Hollywood.

LEMisdisappointed · 21/08/2013 11:10

OP - did your DH make you feel uncomfortable when you were fat?

Dahlen · 21/08/2013 11:30

No one should ever feel obligated to remove their body hair, dye their head hair, or otherwise modify their appearance purely to conform to stereotypical notions of sexual attractiveness. If this was purely about the DH's back hair of course the OP would be completely unreasonable.

However, making an effort matters. It doesn't have to involve hours of effort and vast sums of money. It's just little token gestures of grooming, as much as anything. We wouldn't accuse someone of being shallow when they don a suit and wash their hair for a job interview, or even on a daily basis if they have a customer-facing job.

If you can make that effort for strangers, wouldn't you want to make it for the person you're supposed to love above all others? And I agree that this should be balanced by the ability to 'let it all hang out' without fear of judgement, but the extreme in either direction isn't healthy IMO. In the OP's case, it seems the pendulum is all one way and that her DH's back is just a focal point.

LoopThePoop · 21/08/2013 11:34

You are the one with a problem.
Not him.
It is YOU that needs to change.

SybilRamkin · 21/08/2013 11:36

Emilythorne

Leverette · 21/08/2013 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NoComet · 21/08/2013 11:40

No way would I ask DH to remove his body hair, any more than he would insist I shaved my legs all winter.

He likes the feel of them shaved and he approves when I trim the forest at the top, but he wouldn't ask.

frankie4 · 21/08/2013 12:55

My dh is very hairy and when I met him he was quite self consious and used to wax his back. It was horrible because his whole body was quite hairy but then he had a shiny smooth back with red spots on. I found it a real turn off as whenever I touched it all I could think about was the pain that the waxing must have caused ! I told him that I preferred him hairy and he hasn't waxed since (17 years ago!)

Crinkle77 · 21/08/2013 14:20

Wasn't he like that when you first got together?

MiddleAgeMiddleEngland · 21/08/2013 14:27

I bet your DH isn't as hairy as mine! (Not getting into a competitive hairy DH thing, though.)

Apart from the blocked plughole in the shower, I don't mind at all.

valiumredhead · 21/08/2013 14:33

If he is hairy he would look ridiculous with just his back waxed.

If Dh made it clear he wanted me to wax my bikini area he would get a very brief response starting with fuck and ending with off!

I think disliking something so superficial on a man you are supposed to love is pretty shallow tbh.

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