AIBU about DH or do I need to just suck it up?

[Morebirthdayblues]

Before I start I know this isn't a massive problem in the grand scheme of thing and a lot of people are going through a lot worse, but I'm really annoyed by this.

DH has always been notoriously crap at buying gifts, and last year for my 30th I got nothing, we were busy starting our own business and he said he didn't have the time or money to get me anything. I was so upset we had a massive row, and he vowed to do better.

When I had DS after a two day very traumatic labour he left the hospital to get me something, and came back with a box of strawberries! And not even a card to say well done, or I'm proud of you.

These have both really annoyed me and I'm not looking for a massive present, I'd rather he spent a tenner and picked something out for me.

Fast forward to my birthday this year and I stupidly thought he might buck himself up this time. A few days before my birthday he said he had thought we could go into town for something to eat and to the cinema and pick my present, he never organised a babysitter or tried to sort this and at short notice we had no one to ask.

When the day of my birthday came he never said happy birthday in the morning or even mentioned it when we spoke on the phone during the day, when he got home from and seen cupcakes on the table the penny dropped. He dashed out with DS to the local garage to buy a card, when he came back with it I refused to take them, he had basically forgot.

This is really pissing me off as it happens time and time again, and every time I pull him about it he get all upset with himself and is on the verge of tears, which pisses me off as it as if have to feel sorry for him.

He says he really tries but is just crap at things like that, and would rather I picked my present myself as hes afraid of getting the wrong thing. He has spoiled every big occasion for me. Our engagement was awful, he just handed me the box with the ring in it, he spoiled our wedding day by getting drunk and having a good time with his mates, he was too drunk to DTD and basically fell asleep during it. Our honeymoon was in an idyllic place over valentines day and he didn't even get me a card, or do anything special and wouldn't fork out for a meal on the beach as we were all inclusive and he didn't want to spend the extra money.

I don't want to come across as if I need big grand gestures, but something would be nice. He's great otherwise, he's an unreal father to our DS and does his fair share of housework, I'm 8 weeks pregnant at the minute and very sick and he is doing everything to help me out.

So AIBU in being upset over his behaviour on these occasions, as I feel he isn't showing any thought for me, or should I be thankful he's a great husband and father otherwise and just accept that he's crap at this type of thing?

He might do a lot for his ds and around the house but what does he do for you OP?

Little considerate things, such as making you a special dinner, watching what you want on tv, changing his plans to look after you when you're ill, asking how you're feeling and listening to your answer - all those little caring, day to day things? Does he do a lot of that?

Kristina she might not actually be depressed, she might have very good reason for feeling so down - lack of support, for one thing.

I do think it would be a good idea to discuss this with your gp though OP.

No Kristina I haven't had any help at all, told DH about it after covering it up for years (I nearly called off our wedding I was on such a downer but he doesn't know that) at the time I put it down to cold feet but I know now it was depression caused by the stress of organising a wedding with absolutely no help from anyone.

I also told my mum recently but I think she just thinks I'm being silly and dramatic, but she has been great recently as she knows I'm struggling with the pg sickness.

I didn't have post natal depression, which I was fully expecting. My midwife is a family friend and I don't feel comfortable discussing it with her anyway.

I just feel like no one would believe me, from the outside I look like I have the prefect life but in my head it's all a mess.

Morebirthdayblues clearly you are very upset about this and I'm sorry that you feel so down.

I wonder if your DH and you have different ways that you show love? I heard in here once about the concept of the 5 love languages...
Basically it suggests that different people show love differently - the ways are:
Words of affirmation
Quality time
Gifts
Acts of service
Physical touch

My DH shows love through acts of service- he knows I hate vacuuming so he always does it, he does most of the cooking and makes food he thinks I will like. I'm more of a gifts person - I buy him little treats when I go places or travel with work. I make a big fuss about Xmas and birthdays...

It sounds like you are definitely a 'gifts' to show love kind of person. Your DH is likely something else. It doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't love you be used he doesn't do meaningful gifts, he just values showing his love for you in a different way.

However if you have clearly told him that gifts are important and he still doesn't try, that is pretty poor on his part.

Check out this link for more detail on the love languages:

personalitycafe.com/articles/112444-five-love-languages-explained.html

Do you think this might be a case of the two of you speaking different 'languages'?

No. He CAN break the cycle. He just doesn't want to enough.

Does he work? Does he have stuff to remember in his work life? Do you think he says to his boss "Oh, yeah....that order I was supposed to deal with....well I forgot. I know you reminded me and its on the calendar and it happens every year and its really important but you see I'm just not very good at remembering things like that...."

Do you think his boss then goes "Aww, don't get upset with yourself. I know you can't be expected to remember things like, you bubble headed little tinker!"

Honestly, the EXCUSES for blokes basically not giving enough of a shit! It irks me greatly.

Ps I have so much sympathy for you with your pregnancy sickness, it is grim, I know! I hope it all disappears for you after 12 weeks

fairenuff yes he does do things like that and always rings me to see how I'm coping at work with the sickness.

He does loads around the house so I don't have to and I have basically lay on the sofa and done nothing, when I haven't been working since my nausea started 5 wks back, I couldn't do that if he wasn't doing everything.

Your gp really will be able to help you. I'm not sure about medication whilst pregnant but certainly counselling, a friendly ear, some validation and support.

Please make an appointment today. Phone them now and set the ball rolling. You have nothing to lose.

And keep posting here about how you're feeling.

Quaffle He's self employed so only has to answer to himself so if he fucks up on his own head be it.

dorris u may be onto something there, he knows I love gifts so I feel he should make an effort even if he doesn't care about receiving them. He is probably an acts of service type too. Hoping and praying is disappears at 12 weeks too, it did the last time.

I haven't told him the date for my scan which arrived yesterday, I know this will annoy him so I'm going to hold off telling him, or let him find the letter lying about, as he knows I would be excited about it and would usually tell him straight away.

fairenuff thank you, I have made a big leap by actually admitting it on here and I was fully expecting to get flamed for this thread but had to know if I was just being silly.

It has helped me immensely getting all this out, and the fact that most of you have agreed with me makes me feel like less of a spoilt brat. X

I feel for you OP. It must be horrible to think he thinks so little of you.

Honestly? I couldn't be with someone like that. If it was just the birthdays, maybe, if neither of you saw them as a big deal. But it's not, is it? It's repeated bad behaviour, and he knows he's messed up in the past, so you'd think he'd make an extra special effort this year.

How long does it take to go online and place an Interflora order? And to set up a repeat Moonpig card? 10 mins tops?

OP - you said " deep down I know I'm depressed" . You says your ve been depressed off and on since your wedding 5 years ago. If you are suffering from depression, you are not being silly or dramatic, it's a medical problem. It's not your fault any more than thyroid disease or diabetes.

You say no one woudl believe you because your life is perfect from the outside. That s EXACTLY why it's an illness. It's logical and normal to be upset and down when your life is a mess, you've lost your job, you have no money, your marriage has ended. No one in their right mind would NOT be sad and unhappy about these things.

But you say your life is fine. But you still feel unhappy and a mess inside. You obsess about things that you know aren't the biggest deal in the world. YOU NEED HELP. Please go to your GP. Lots of people find any depressants very helpful. They will sort out t the chemical imbalance and help you feel better and see things clearer.

Once you are seeing things more clearly, you will be better placed to work on any issues that you and your Dh might have between you. And to enjoy the exciting future you have, with a new baby and a new home.

And you need a new MW, one you can talk too. Please arrange to see another one while you are at the GP.

Please also come back and let us know how you get on.

Thanks kristina you really don't know how much you have helped me, I really feel like I can go and see someone now, I can't let this take over my life and suck the enjoyment out of every wee thing.

Not sure what they can do with regards to medication and the pregnancy. I don't think I can change my midwife as she the only local one, I live in the sticks.

Does anyone know if I was to tell my GP, would it go on my pregnancy file too?

wibbly woah moonpig/interflora he wouldn't even have a notion what the hell they were!!!

I really feel for you about this. Tbh my other half often does well for birthdays, but I think just occasionally I'd like him to buy (or even pick) a flower if he's been a d*ck about something, or just for fun.

He likes it when there's flowers in the house but just would never get me any.

I really don't think going down the route of ignoring his birthday is wise as he probably won't care or may even be relieved as it'll seem like he's 'off the hook' for yours.

I think... Set about 10alarms in his phone calendar, send an itemised email of nice presents & links to websites.
Send again in run up. & raise expectations for the day.... & make it super clear that they are HIGH! (Even if they are not)

My DH knows now that I absolutely expect flowers on valentines day. This is non negotiable from day one as we got together a few weeks before a valentines day & everyone in my office at the time knew about us (fashion, so very female heavy company) and I would have been if I had had nothing because everyone would have asked me all day!!!

I know its not so romantic and with my ex I would have been horrified about doing this kind if thing!

sorry i dont do any birthdays, never have. i do however love christmas and tend to go over the top them which more than makes up for it.

Various thoughts:

1. He is genreally forgetful, AND comes from a family where sentiment isn't shown. IT may actually be really hard for him to overcome that. Depends how much his family didn't bother with presents etc, but it could be that it almost 'wasn't allowed' so he feels guilty or silly doing presents?
2. It isn't selfish to want to feel cherished. For you that means the occasional material object to show, but it could be that for him it's about taking care of you. Does he show love in other ways, or does he never make you feel like that?
3. You should talk to someone about depression. It doesn't mean that you are wrong for getting upset, but it can mean that you can't control your reaction, so that you don't move on from the problem but dwell on it.

Could the two of you have a discussion when you aren't upset? One that doesn't get emotional. Ask him what he thinks he can do to make you feel cherished? If he has an aversion to buying gifts, is there something he can do instead? How would you feel if he said that he really hates buying gifts, but would love to cook you a meal instead (or whatever)?

My dh absolutely hates buying gifts, particularly for Christmas. This is because his mother has to have 'the' gift. She spends forever choosing things, it has to be perfect, it has to be better than anything else anyone could possibly have chosen (even if there's an identical thing in almost every store) and if it isn't right, there will be tears and tantrums. For years we argued over cards and gifts. Finally I realized that he just hates buying them because he associates it with huge amounts of emotional blackmail and guilt. So now I do gifts, but he will take care of dd, and if I take my time, stop for coffee, get my hair done, or otherwise indulge myself, that is fine.

For us it has taken a lot of arguing, discussing & negotioation. He would still prefer never to do Christmas gifts at all. I would prefer if he could do his own family, but we have reached a compromise. We're neither of us totally happy with it, but at least neither of us is in tears any more.

Yes it would go on your pregnancy file, ,as the MW needs to know to support you in your pregnancy and post natally. Unless you live in a remote island, there must be more than one MW in your area? Do you mean she is the only one attached to your Gp practice? Are you planning to give birth in a hospital or ME led unit?

You need to ask your GP about your options here. Your o might be wiling to do your ante natal checks at the Pratcice and just see the hospital MW later on.

This ISNT a good enough reason not to get help. Are you worried that the MW might breach your confidentiality? Or is it just you don't like /trust her?

OP, I understand the temptation to conclude that your DH just doesn't care that you are upset by his behavior, but I think there's an alternative solution.

Some men, and my DH was one until this clicked with me and I pointed it out to him, hear a woman's upset about something but don't give it any credibility because its just incomprehensible to them that anyone should feel this way. They don't consider the feeling a valid, rational one, or anything that they can comprehend, and just dismiss it. Or think the woman will get over it (because that's what they would do easily and every time).

Now some men would say to themselves that they don't need to understand - if that's the way she feels, that's the way she feels, no matter how ridiculous I think she is being. Other men just can't get it through their heads that this is a significant issue.

Oddly, it is often these very same men who are brilliant around pregnancy: they just take the woman's word at everything and treat her wonderfully, unquestioningly. I think that maybe pregnancy is soooo cool and soooo unknown to them, and they know you are carrying their child, and they also think (wrongly) that pg women are all crazy anyway...so they just suck it up.

With my DH, I am having to explain very carefully and painstakingly, each time the situation arises, that just because x behavior may not seem rational or logical to you, it is how I feel. And feelings are just as important as thoughts. And no, why should I change or control my feelings, why don't you change or control your thoughts.

It's finally, slowly sinking in that certain things really matter to me and that's all there is to it. He doesn't have to understand or like it, he just had to accept it.

I venture that your DH does care for you, his behavior otherwise suggests he does. He just doesn't relate to you on certain things, and that causes you deep distress.

Men truly are from Mars and women from Venus.

kickass

1. Yes I know he feels sort of silly, his mum would actually laugh at him if she though he bought me a present.
2. Yes he does show love in other ways, he's great at helping in the house and is very aware of how sick I am.
3. I really dwell on things a lot to the point where it get so bad I usually just cut contact with people who upset me, but never say anything to them, I hate confrontation. MIL and SIL actively try to upset me all the time, they are mad about DS so I do nothing for his sake as he loves them,but they are always getting digs in at me and I get no credit for how lovely DS is, all credit goes to DH, as if he produced him on his own. Mil wants him to call her 'mummy' she even says it front of me. I don't even want them to know I'm pregnant as they will make me feel shit like the last time, MIL called me fat- I was a size 10 throughout pregnancy FFS!! I'm rambling now, but this is the sort of thing I have to put up with, you wouldn't believe me if I told you some of the other stuff!

I actually have nothing more I can say to DH on the situation, I'm actually sick listening to myself harping on about it at this stage.

kristina yes she's attached to my GP practice, she's Mil's friend and is off the 'don't be so silly' mindset so I would feel awful if she knew and i don't really like her tbh. I may be lucky and get another one, there are two but the other is part time I think.

You don't have to be lucky. You just tell Gp that the MW is a family friend,you feel uncomfortable with her and you want to be seen by the other MW. Then you only make appointments with the one you want. Of course you will then have to fit around her days at work, but that's shouldn't be a problem.

It's fine to have an opinion about who provides your health care.

OP Kristina is right. You can change your midwife by telling your gp that she is a friend of the family and you'd feel more comfortable with someone else. You do have choices about your health care.

How does your dh support you when MIL makes digs?

Get him to tattoo your birthday on his dick and whenever hes looking at his brains, he'll remember.

Congrats on the pregnancy

fairenuff she only seems to do it when he's not about, so he never gets to see it first hand.

He's pulled her on silly things before to do with DS and his DF stopped speaking to him for a few days. They live in each others pockets in his family and work together but he's so scared of saying something and them all disowning him. Even as adults they aren't allowed to voice their opinions or annoy their mum in the slightest.

He can't stand his sister though and stopped bothering with her when she really started upsetting me, he now slags her more than I do!!

He's stuck between a rock and a hard place but his mother shouldn't be allowed to be openly nasty to people and get away with it.

ezio he hates tatoos so that would teach him alright!!

I dated a guy who never had enough money to buy me a birthday or xmas present - but always had enough to go out drinking with his friends somehow.

In 7 years he never, ever changed - I think he almost got a kick out of my pretending not to be upset and them him doing the whole sorry routine.

Had another bf who was a director at a v expensive Italian fashion company. He got 50% discount at the factory store - could have given me a £500 handbag and had change from £50. Never even got so much as a key-ring. Instead he'd rush out on the day and get the first thing he could find for £10 whether I'd like it or not.

So, I know exactly how you feel - and the guilty feeling that perhaps you are being unreasonable and not wanting to seem grabby etc

One of my sisters was getting engaged to a man who didn't 'believe' in engagement rings - my father took him to one side and said that any man who didn't respect his daughter enough to put a ring on her finger wasn't marrying her either. My dad didn't expect him to buy something expensive - but felt the lack of gesture on his part was a worrying trait. BIL doesn't dare miss a birthday or xmas - he knows the killer look that he would get!

I don't go with the whole 'Men think another way' nonsense. He knows it upsets you, he can easily set himself a reminder each year. He basically either doesn't want to or doesn't care enough to make you happy.

To say that you feel you should be grateful that he's good in other ways is so sad.

I would suggest that you perhaps have some joint counselling where you can talk about these things with a neutral person there. You could also discuss the issues with your wedding and other event. He's not going to change unless he wants to, and you will get eaten away by this until it becomes a major issue for you - it's often the small things that destroy a marriage.

Otherwise I would either a) forget his birthday or b) if you have a joint account, buy myself a present that costs double what you feel he should realistically be spending on a gift for you.

In any case, Happy Birthday!

Can I speak in defence of your dh? I'm exactly like him - shit at remembering birthdays and giving presents. My problem comes from my family and I suspect the same is true for your dh. My dad hates presents (don't know why) and there were many times as a child when i would save up my money and spend ages choosing him a gift only for him to say "I don't like it'" or "what do I want that for?" As a result I have a total mental block around birthdays and christmas and i find buying presents extremely stressful. So much so that my brain seems to sabotage my attempts to finally get organised and buy a good present on time.

In contrast my DH loves presents and has a real talent for buying them. I feel incredibly bad that I can't overcome my issues to reciprocate. I just can't. He understands. I am a good wife in other ways.