AIBU about DH or do I need to just suck it up?

[Morebirthdayblues]

Before I start I know this isn't a massive problem in the grand scheme of thing and a lot of people are going through a lot worse, but I'm really annoyed by this.

DH has always been notoriously crap at buying gifts, and last year for my 30th I got nothing, we were busy starting our own business and he said he didn't have the time or money to get me anything. I was so upset we had a massive row, and he vowed to do better.

When I had DS after a two day very traumatic labour he left the hospital to get me something, and came back with a box of strawberries! And not even a card to say well done, or I'm proud of you.

These have both really annoyed me and I'm not looking for a massive present, I'd rather he spent a tenner and picked something out for me.

Fast forward to my birthday this year and I stupidly thought he might buck himself up this time. A few days before my birthday he said he had thought we could go into town for something to eat and to the cinema and pick my present, he never organised a babysitter or tried to sort this and at short notice we had no one to ask.

When the day of my birthday came he never said happy birthday in the morning or even mentioned it when we spoke on the phone during the day, when he got home from and seen cupcakes on the table the penny dropped. He dashed out with DS to the local garage to buy a card, when he came back with it I refused to take them, he had basically forgot.

This is really pissing me off as it happens time and time again, and every time I pull him about it he get all upset with himself and is on the verge of tears, which pisses me off as it as if have to feel sorry for him.

He says he really tries but is just crap at things like that, and would rather I picked my present myself as hes afraid of getting the wrong thing. He has spoiled every big occasion for me. Our engagement was awful, he just handed me the box with the ring in it, he spoiled our wedding day by getting drunk and having a good time with his mates, he was too drunk to DTD and basically fell asleep during it. Our honeymoon was in an idyllic place over valentines day and he didn't even get me a card, or do anything special and wouldn't fork out for a meal on the beach as we were all inclusive and he didn't want to spend the extra money.

I don't want to come across as if I need big grand gestures, but something would be nice. He's great otherwise, he's an unreal father to our DS and does his fair share of housework, I'm 8 weeks pregnant at the minute and very sick and he is doing everything to help me out.

So AIBU in being upset over his behaviour on these occasions, as I feel he isn't showing any thought for me, or should I be thankful he's a great husband and father otherwise and just accept that he's crap at this type of thing?

[FreckledLeopard]

This thread is so upsetting. I feel so sorry for everyone on it whose DPs/DHs are so bloodly thoughtless and rude.

OP - YANBU. I'm not sure I'd have put up with things for as long as you have. I don't know that I'd LTB, but if someone who is supposed to love and cherish you can't even be arsed to sort out a card and a gift a couple of times a year, then I would seriously consider whether the relationship was something I wanted to pursue.

It's not forgetfulness or disorganisation - it's almost contempt that you think you can treat your partner so poorly and show so little thought or love.

[Morebirthdayblues]

callin I do think his family has a lot to do with it, they are very unappreciative of gifts and most things they have been bought lie in a corner gathering dust or get given away and they don't care that it may upset the gift giver.

But he knows me and knows I like gifts and am big into clothes/jewellry etc so regardless of his family he knows it will upset me if he doesn't get me something. I know if the shoe was on the other foot and I upset him like he did to me last year I would be damn sure I made up for it.

FreckledHe always tries but seems to fall at the last hurdle when it actually comes to physically doing something. He says he thinks a lot of me but to me actions speak far louder than words/thoughts.

I've a good mind to show him this thread and shock him into how awful everyone else thinks he has been.

[WorrySighWorrySigh]

As others have said, it isnt always about being thoughtless and rude. It can be about just not getting the significance of gifts on a particular day or finding it all too laden with guilt or fear of getting it wrong.

DH and I are both not good at presents, cards etc. We stopped buying each other presents before we married (20 odd years ago!).

We do still give each other cards - they always come from the humourous section. The joke is more important than the printed sentiment so I have had anniversary cards with the word birthday crossed out.

[RobotHamster]

Morebirthdayblues - its astonishing how similar what youve written is to how my DP is. He's just the same with taking on loads of extra stuff in thr house because I'm so ill being pg, he's been doing so much with DS, so much around the house to get everything ready for the baby. He'd never shirk from doing any of that.

Dorris - what you said makes a lot of sense.

I'm not going to ignore DPs birthday this year even though I feel like it. I don't think it'll really have any impact anyway. Instead I'll talk to him about all of this (though am not going to remind him millions of times, he's got a brain Ffs) but will tell him why it upsets me so much.

I'm terrible at dwelling on things too, and stuff that he's long forgotten about is stuff that still really bothers me. I just can't help it.

[StuntGirl]

I'm just gobsmacked the "adults shouldn't care about birthdays" brigade haven't shit all over this yet.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Birthdays come with ample notice. Everyone has one. It is basic social manners to wish people happy birthday.

[FrancescaBell]

It's quite concerning OP that you think you should be grateful because he's not worse and treats you like crap.

What has made you think like that?

This isn't just about presents, is it? You've mentioned several examples of when he's ruined special occasions by selfishness, drunkenness, laddishness or simply being tight-fisted (the meal on holiday).

Never get into the mindset of 'he doesn't beat me up, so he must be a prince among men'.

Raise your expectations. What he does around the house is only his fair share. Nothing more and nothing less. Everyone does more if a partner is incapacitated and that is fair - not remarkable or praiseworthy.

It sounds to me that he just doesn't think any romantic investment is worth it. He's got the wife and kids now and he doesn't need to make any effort to keep those prizes.

Especially with a woman who sounds like she's been conditioned somewhere along the line to think that men are great just because they aren't arseholes all of the time.

[StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes]

he is taking you for granted. set up a wish list on amazon that he can access, set reminders on his phone or tell him to do so. there is no excuse really for this bloody thoughtless. my DH isn't one for grand gestures but an odd bunch of flowers once in a blue moon means a lot because of this. stop bothering with his days and see how it makes him feel.

[Morebirthdayblues]

Francesca he drinks very little nowadays and I have to persuade him to go out with his mates now. He has seen what is drinking done to us in the past and done something about it.

I definitely don't think I have a 'he doesn't beat me up, so he must be a prince' attitude. He is generally great in every other aspect and has always changed when he has needed to. He's loyal, trustworthy and probably a better father than i am mother. Birthdays/occasions are the one thing that he can never get right. I'm aware that no one is prefect and we all have our faults (I have plenty) but other than fucking up these events he never puts a foot wrong. So I definitely don't think I've been conditioned to anything.

[KristinaM]

Stunt girl -I don't see many posts saying " adults shouldn't care about birthdays" . Most posters have empathised with the op, and shared their personal stories . Others have suggested reasons why her Dh might find birthdays difficult, beyond the simple " he's thoughtless and he doesn't love you".

I think everyone is trying to help the OP , no one has told her not to feel the way she does

[Morebirthdayblues]

stepaway he has never bought me flowers and has told me he never will, he thinks they are a waster of money. fair enough of he bought me something else instead but that doesn't happen.

[RobotHamster]

StuntGirl - me too, I've seen that happen before. Maybe its too early for that nonsense :)

[Morebirthdayblues]

kristina I think stuntgirl was just expressing her surprise that no one has said that yet, don't think she actually thinks that herself. It's very unusual that no one has said that as its par for the course on these types of threads, which is why I was expecting a flaming.

[StuntGirl]

Stunt girl -I don't see many posts saying " adults shouldn't care about birthdays" . Most posters have empathised with the op, and shared their personal stories . Others have suggested reasons why her Dh might find birthdays difficult, beyond the simple " he's thoughtless and he doesn't love you".

I think everyone is trying to help the OP , no one has told her not to feel the way she does

Are you new? That's exactly my point. The "it's silly and selfish for adults to care about birthdays - get a grip" lot usually run rampant on these threads and I'm (pleasantly) surprised the OP got a nice bunch of responses.

No where have I said I believe that, if you re-read my post I am agreeing with the OP that her husband is a bit of a shit.

Robot - maybe their heads exploded with all the Christmas threads

[kickassangel]

Can he think of some other thing instead of presents, flowers etc? Dh hates cut flowers too and didn't buy me any even when dd was born. Now we don't get gifts for each other, but have a spending limit to buy ourselves something, and time to enjoy it (eg he buys a computer game and I won't get upset if he plays it for the first weekend)

It seems like he won't ever buy you anything and it is maybe deep seated in him that he just can't. So can the two of you come to some other conclusion? Eg, you organize the babysitter, but he doesn't begrudge the money if you do go out and have an expensive meal together. I know that isn't the exact result you want, but I think there's a road block in his brain, and you need to think around this.

If you're the same poster who has been on here about the IL before, then you are expecting him to overcome overwhelming childhood conditioning. He seems to manage it on the main things, sticking up for you, so try to meet him half way on the presents issue.

[Morebirthdayblues]

kickass your right in that we do need to come up with something other than expecting presents, as it is simply not going to happen. We go out for meals a lot and he nearly always pays so don't know what else we could try as taking his credit card and buying myself something just seems like a cop out and let's him off the hook.

I haven't posted much about IL's so I don't think it's me your thinking of, the main reason being I think most of you wouldn't believe me if u heard half of it!

[WorrySighWorrySigh]

Is there something you could buy/do together?

In our early years of marriage when funds were very tight we would take DH's annual bonus (about a week's pay) and buy something we both wanted. It bought all sorts of things - a gas fire, a fridge, a tumble dryer, okay not romantic but we both enjoyed the shopping!

[FrancescaBell]

We had a row last wk about his lack of thought for me, he left me at a wedding to go off with his mates to another part of the hotel, I was very sick and stuck with his friends drunk wives trying to hide the fact I wasn't drinking and he didn't come near me for 3 hours. I was seriously pissed off, then he still does this a week later!!

Doesn't this contradict what you keep saying about him being 'great in every other way' apart from presents?

You might not be getting the usual (very wearing) snarks about being the equivalent of a Birthday Bridezilla, but in some ways this thread is fairly typical.

The OP catalogues a whole range of selfish behaviours in her partner.

People very sensibly agree he's appallingly selfish.

At which point the OP goes on the defensive and says he's wonderful really

From where I'm standing, no he isn't. But this is purely based on what you yourself have said.

[RobotHamster]

Stuntgirl - if this thread had been started later in the week and after wine o clock it'd be a whole different story

[RobotHamster]

Or maybe they're all on the shandy thread

[redexpat]

Does he have a diary? Does he use it? Could he set reminders a week in advance on his phone? Make him read How to do everything and be happy. It stresses this point.

I think you both need to work out what your respective your love language is. This will help him see that when he fails to mark these occasions, it makes you feel as if you dont love him. Someone upthread mentioned it too.

Also, I think you should acknowledge that he obviously finds this difficult and he may actually crumble under pressure. I always feel stressed buying for my sister because she gets cross if it's not what she likes. In turn, she is really good at finding presents for others. Perhaps you could write a wish list og gifts/outings, and how you would like the day to go. Including things like book a babysitter. Some people really dont know how to organise stuff and it is infuriating if you are married to one of them.

Alternatively if you are on good terms with one of his friends you could subtly mention it to him, he could help DH arrange something. Or if his mates are the same could you get a friend or family member to help him?

He really isn't doing this to spite you, or to upset you.

[FrancescaBell]

He really isn't doing this to spite you, or to upset you.

How do you know and why would you think that?

See, I don't get this.

Most people in a relationship know that if their partner gets upset about something they keep doing, they stop doing it.

If they care enough about the other person's feelings, they make some effort.

The OP couldn't have made her feelings clearer, on numerous occasions.

She's also said it's not just presents that he's crap at.

It sounds like although he does what frankly is expected as a husband and father in terms of the family's basic needs, he makes zero effort in the romantic relationship. Complacency doesn't even cover it. He knows the OP is going nowhere and won't rock the boat. She'll just grin and bear it because he isn't as bad as some other husbands.

I think he knows his actions will cause upset and distress but he just doesn't seem to care enough to change.

[Morebirthdayblues]

Ok francesca there was that incident but really apart from the present/occasion situation I haven't pulled him on anything in a long long time.

I'm really not playing the 'poor little wife' here, I'm fully aware of how shit some men can be and don't put up with any crap from him on any other level. My friends husbands aren't that bad overall but there's no way I'd put up with being treated like they do, and get no help with DC's. DH isn't perfect but he's probably the best husband of anyone I know. Some of my friends actually use him as an example to their DH's as how they should act!

But I'm not making excuses for him, he royally fucks up every birthday and most special occasions, but I'm not going to LTB over it!

red going to look into this love language thing sounds interesting. As I said his friends are probably worse than him, so no joy going down that route.

[FrancescaBell]

How does he compare with what you think you personally need and deserve in a relationship though?

Comparing him with your friends' dickish husbands is the wrong way to go.

It's like comparing an incompetent GP with Harold Shipman.

What are your standards in terms of what you want and need from a romantic partner?

Those really are the only standards you should judge him by.

You are I think, setting them way too low. But this is purely based on what you've said about your distress, upset and resentment; none of which sounds in the least bit unreasonable incidentally.

[Viviennemary]

My DH is totally hopeless about choosing gifts and used to get quite hurt when I complained. I now choose my own and either order it myself or write down exactly what I want so he can't go wrong.

[Morebirthdayblues]

francesca I said upthread that he would be near perfect only for this. He had his moments in the past when he was younger with regards to drinking but has totally turned that around as I honestly have to force him to do things with his mates as he doesn't like leaving me and DS. Doesn't want to go on his best friends stag do, as he hasn't been away from us for 3 days in years.

He does loads around the house, not just his 'fair share'. At the minute I'm spending every waking moment that I'm not working either lying in bed/sofa, and he has taken care of everything.

He's also almost single handedly building our house for the last year or so on top of doing stuff in the house.

Apart from the occasion/birthday thing he treats me really well, tells me every day and night he loves me and compliments me a lot. He encourages me to pursue my own interests and always supports me in them.

This is why I feel like I should maybe just suck it up, as he is a near perfect husband otherwise, and perfection is very hard to find!

I know men who buy fabulous gifts but are twats the rest of the time, and I know if I had my choice I would pick being treated well 95% of the time.

I'm in no way excusing his behaviour, I'm still furious with him but I just want to show that's he's not as bad as you are making out.