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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this abuse (long)

105 replies

Thefemaleunicorn · 20/08/2013 09:06

Dh and I have been married 10yrs and have 3 dcs aged 8,5,2.

We have always had a firey relationship ie blazing rows before we had kids but they were a rare thing balanced by a strong relationship. We've had some rough times, dh has been diagnosed with depression after his family rejected me and tried to sabotage our relationship (offered me money to not marry him etc) but mainly from his work and he left a bullying boss recently. He had a nervous breakdown last year after bring made redundant. He doesn't cope well with family life says he is 'married with kids when he should be having fun' to quote the song. It also idolises the children and is great with them 90% of the time........

Since his depression started (2yrs) he has been short fused, he put me in a head lock one night and swung me round the room - I hit him back then called the police but he ripped the phone out of the wall. The police arrived anyway and gave him a warning. I then asked him to stay at his parents for a while which he did. He then started losing it with the kids mainly when they are naughty he can't control himself and has picked them up by the shoulders and shook them, has thrown them down on the bed etc. never hits them but 'man handles' them. He mainly picks on ds 5. He flicks his ear, shouts at him, shakes him, grabs him by the arm which has left marks. Yesterday I was working from home and was on the phone to a client ds comes to the office room and dh says no don't go in there ds ignores him next thing ds is screaming and dh has lost shouting at him ds is on the floor with a big hand print under his armpit where dh grabbed him. Dh said he was stopping him coming in.

This behaviour is 10% of the time. The rest of the time I couldn't wish for a better dad to the kids or husband. He plays with them takes them to soft play etc.

I told him to get anger mgt counselling or he would have to leave that was a year ago. He's having the counselling and it got better but its started again.

I told his parents and they said he's never been like that until I came along. They told me they would want custody of the three dcs and they are top drs so would hire a top solicitor.

Dh is terrified I will leave him. I've told him to stay away this week. I'm not a shrinking violet, I have told him it has to stop or he lives away and sees the kids at weekends. I've started logging times and photos of what he's done to the children and I can't let him keep doing this, I have to protect them.

My friend says I'm over reacting that dh is lovely and its obviously depression related. Dh is mortified and says he hates himself and that he is gutted. My mum and sister say its sad but I have to do something.

I'm on mat leave but a out to go back to work, I have no money but will have shortly.

I feel like running away with the kids. I am so soul destroyed. Please fellow mums - help me. What should I do?

Have also posted in relationships as new to this.

OP posts:
Cravey · 20/08/2013 13:29

And good luck op I hope for the kids sake you get it sorted ASAP. I can only imagine how hard it must be.

KellyElly · 20/08/2013 13:29

I'm just terrified if the power of his family. Don't be. Having been in a similar situation myself with my own toxic mother who made those same threats to me, that's all they are - empty threats. My extremely rich mother found that money could not buy her a solicitor good enough to get her custody of MY child because a)the law is not on the side of the grandparent (they really have no rights at all) and b) I'm a good parent and children do not just get taken from good and loving parents. Don't worry about that side of things as it really is a non issue, just worry about yourself and your children and keeping them and yourself safe. That's what's important right now. No amount of money and fancy lawyers will enable your inlaws to take your children from you.

WestieMamma · 20/08/2013 13:29

My response is acceptable because it's sincere and from the perspective of a child growing up in a situation exactly like the OP describes.

attheendoftheday · 20/08/2013 13:30

It's abuse. You are doing absolutely the right thing to protect your children and yourself. I'd urge you to only allow supervised access to your children.

Original poster
Thefemaleunicorn · 20/08/2013 13:31

I haven't just sat back doing nothing for two years and its not been a constant. I've taken him to a counsellor, he's seen his gp and has been on medication, he joined a support group for depression and went running with them - I have tried to put things right not just looked on and let these things happen. But I acknowledge that it hasn't worked and that its not acceptable and have now taken the next step. Thanks for your support

OP posts:
Cravey · 20/08/2013 13:31

Also op trust me re the family gaining custody. Never gonna happen. Unless you on some way fail to look after the kids etc. yet another reason toget away as fast as you can.

springytoofs · 20/08/2013 13:34

Sorry to be 'me, too' about this but my exILs are also eye-wateringly wealthy - I can understand your fear about their power. But as many posters are saying, they don't stand a chance - the law is greater and more powerful.

springytoofs · 20/08/2013 13:37

When it comes down to children, OP, people are going to support the children over the parents. What you are facing is very hard - don't take it out on westie. She was right to say what she said.

pigletmania · 20/08/2013 13:38

It's the end sentence of Westies post, it is not very nice and will not achieve anything!

Cravey · 20/08/2013 13:41

But in westies defence what she is saying is sort of right. As a mother your job is to protect the kids. Therefore is the view of westie she thinks maybe the op isn't doing as much as she could to stop it. Maybe westie thinks op should have just left as soon as something happened. Not saying that's right just maybe defending westie a little.

Original poster
Thefemaleunicorn · 20/08/2013 13:41

What hope do I possibly have if that's the opinion of 'fellow mothers' on mumsnet.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 20/08/2013 13:42

No it hasent worked female so you need tontaevte next step and separate for te sake of your kids and go to the police, or GP with those photos

Cravey · 20/08/2013 13:44

Oh come op. really you are being a tad dramatic. Westie is simply giving her opinion. You know you have to sort this. So do it. It's your job to protect your kids. As other posters have said. Westie wasn't being horrid it's merely come across the wrong way.

SellbyDate · 20/08/2013 13:44

Massively well done o.p. I hope you are feeling o.k. Your DH family sound absolutely nastily bonkers.

Just to say, from a Social Work point of view I think that what DH has done would be considered Physical Harm to DC if he has left bruises and marks. I am saying that to reassure you that GP record would be taken seriously in court if needed. It sounds like WA were talking about nature of abuse to you rather than DC, though headlock and flinging you about is a bit debatable.

It sounds like a significant period of separation is needed for you all. You need to be able to consolidate what has been happening for both you and the children, begin to feel safe and stable and enjoy life together.

Your DH if he has any real desire to change his abusive patterns will perhaps need to support you in having no contact with his parents, and it would probably be healthier if he could take this step himself. So he too can come to terms and be clear about everything that has happened.
It sounds as if you have already put some boundaries down.

I hope it's o.k for me to give you this advice. My own DH and I have had some toxic patterns ourselves (no children at that time thank goodness) Through moving away and going no contact with very toxic and abusive family, individual therapy, time and a massive desire to get things right we are o.k. That was 10 years ago.

It is possible to change but cooling down and deep desire to examine and take responsibility are essential.

Time will tell whether your DH has the capacity for that. In the mean time, I hope you and DC can enjoy life together.

One think i would suggest is that when the times comes when you have to explain to DC what's happened, be honest with them. Children understand so much more that we think they do! Not so much rationally or logically, but they are extremely sensitive to emotions. Helping them make sense of these emotions is important. Being honest will go a long way to doing that.

You will be fine.

pigletmania · 20/08/2013 13:45

What s tat going to achieve caves right now! Opnis in a hrtibal place and really needs support not accusations like that, it's not going to help her gain strength tat se needs to deal with what's going on in her life right now!

SellbyDate · 20/08/2013 13:47

Oh come op. really you are being a tad dramatic. Westie is simply giving her opinion. You know you have to sort this. So do it. It's your job to protect your kids. As other posters have said. Westie wasn't being horrid it's merely come across the wrong way

She is doing it. read the rest of the posts. Have you ever had to escape an abusive situation? If you had you might just be a ittle bit gentler.

Cravey · 20/08/2013 13:48

Piglet I think you're missing the point westie is maybe trying to make. She lived through this and is damaged from it. In her view the mother should be protecting the kids. It's not an accusation it's true. The op husband has hurt her children. T the point of leaving marks on them. As I said the op can choose what she puts up with but those kids have to rely on mum to put them first. Op is it seems making the first steps to sort this out. Westie was merely giving her point of view.

pigletmania · 20/08/2013 13:49

Exactly sellby

Cravey · 20/08/2013 13:50

Oh and selby. Please don't presume what I have lived through. You have no idea at all what I or others on here have survived. I think the op is doing fab. As I told her. I did read the posts. You really are narrow minded if you think no one on here has ever lived through abuse or trauma !

pigletmania · 20/08/2013 13:52

Yes I understand but te last comment is unhelpful, op is beng abused herself and is in a vulnerable situation, today she s just as guilty as he s is just awful. She needs positive support not comments like this!

Cravey · 20/08/2013 13:56

I agree piglet I really do. However maybe westie thought it better not to soft soap it and tell her point of view. I think op has a long hard road ahead and wish her every luck with it. I do however think that just because someone is slightly harder with a post it doesn't make them wrong. Maybe westie thinks mum should have gone straight away and not allowed the kids to be around this stuff. Who knows ?

SellbyDate · 20/08/2013 13:58

Piglet I think you're missing the point westie is maybe trying to make. She lived through this and is damaged from it. In her view the mother should be protecting the kids. It's not an accusation it's true. The op husband has hurt her children. T the point of leaving marks on them. As I said the op can choose what she puts up with but those kids have to rely on mum to put them first. Op is it seems making the first steps to sort this out. Westie was merely giving her point of view

Yes. My DH spent much of his childhood curled up in a ball on the floor having his DM kick and beat him. He has physical problems now (Back mainly) as a result. He isn't blamey and finger pointing towards people who stay in abusive situations. It doesn't help anyone. Westie, i'm sorry for what you have been through and i hope you can stop reacting from your own anger. OP is not burying her head in the sand she is seeking advice and getting out. Though some harm has been done it is not permanent. Those children will grow up knowing that there DM did what she needed to do to protect them and will hopefully have an abuse free remainder of their childhood.

For what it's worth, DH and me have a reasonable (ish) relationship with his DM now. It has been a long tough road and studying has helped me understand the dynamics of abuse better. There is a massive difference between understanding and condoning and no one here is condoning what OP's DH is doing. OP certainly isn't.

pigletmania · 20/08/2013 14:01

Of course the rest of Westies post is fine, it's reality for children bring abused and very very sad, I just had issue with te just as guilty as he is part

Cravey · 20/08/2013 14:03

Tats the point though isn't it selby ? Your husband feels one way and westie feels another. We feels her mother didn't protect her and that's the point she was making. There are no dynamics of abuse. Not in my experience anyway. And no matter how well your husband has done it doesn't mean others are wrong if they can't move on or feel the same. It's all very well studying the dynamics etc and knowing what your husband has been through, but unless you've been there yourself then you don't know how to react etc.

SellbyDate · 20/08/2013 14:16

No that is true Cravy I acknowledge that I don't know what it's like. i acknowledge that westies would be a fair one if OP was doing nothing and in total denial, but she's not. What i do know though is if someone is wanting support and is vulnerable then coming down on them all blamey is a bit oppressive and isn't the best way forward...

But yes, i don't know what it's like. And i can be a bit oppressive about stuff that runs me up the wrong way.