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AIBU?

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Original poster

Bad news

38 replies

123bucklemyshoe · 19/08/2013 23:11

My sis rang tonight to let me know my mum has died. I had got closer to my DM in the last few years & I feel sad. Although she was quite elderly we thought she would go on & on...

We are on holiday about 2 hrs from home. Sis says don't come home - nothing can be done at mo & she is right and my other sisters are there & can help. Need to tell dcs, although part of me doesn't want to & stay in the bubble ofour holiday. Just celebrated ds's birthday. We are due back on Friday & Dd goes away with friends that eve. I know I have to tell them - give my Dd the choice about going away (dd is 11, ds is 7) & make it feel real for me ....

DH being lovely & happy to go home if I want to....

Not sure I need advice/opinion -has made it feel more real posting

OP posts:
spudmasher · 19/08/2013 23:14

Such sad news.
I'm glad that your DH is so supportive. I would go and talk it through a bit more with him to help you decide what's the best course of action for you. X

daisychain01 · 19/08/2013 23:16

123, just to say, very sad for your loss and for DCs losing their DGma. Lovely you have the support of your family. Talking about it, even on a post, is indeed cathartic. Such a shock :-( just take it easy and get through these next days as best you can xx

Original poster
123bucklemyshoe · 19/08/2013 23:22

Thank you x

OP posts:
ChippingInHopHopHop · 19/08/2013 23:22

I am so sorry to hear about your Mum :(

I would tell the kids tomorrow - that will give them a few days with you andtheir Dad. Kids are generally so accepting and matter of fact at the beginning but tend to worry/question a lot later on.

Take care of yourself

Original poster
123bucklemyshoe · 19/08/2013 23:26

You are probably right. 3rd grandparent in a year & no grandparents left now - need to give them time as that will probably be some of the conversation tomorrow...

OP posts:
Monty27 · 19/08/2013 23:32

You need to tell the dc's, so they can trust that if anything is ever wrong they will know :(

I'm so sorry to hear this.

Can you cut your holiday short and go home and do what you will regret not doing and be part of your family?

The dc's may need that too.

Iamsparklyknickers · 19/08/2013 23:33

So sorry to read about your mum 123.

Don't worry about where to be for tonight - go with the flow, speaking to your DC may influence you tomorrow and I'm really glad your DH is there with you.

It's such a surreal time just after someone passes, you're basically in shock so be kind to yourself and let the thoughts that pop in to your head say what they need to, don't fight it right now.

I found myself bizzarely humming the milky bar kid song after learning my mum had passed - whatever, it's fine. Your head needs to do what it needs to do.

MissMarplesBloomers · 19/08/2013 23:36

SO sorry to hear you got such bad news, so far from home.

If you need to stay in your holiday bubble a little longer, then do that, as Sparklyknickers says whatever you need to do really.

iloveny001 · 19/08/2013 23:36

So sorry about your mum

Ilovemyself · 19/08/2013 23:38

So sorry to hear your news. I can't imagine how you are feeling right now.

I would tell them tomorrow. As you are away on holiday it gives you the time to be together at what is a difficult time.

Good to see you have the support you need. Not a lot else I can say really Sad

Eilidhbelle · 19/08/2013 23:41

So sorry, 123. Try to take it easy xx

StuntGirl · 19/08/2013 23:42

Sorry about your mum buckle :(

Take care of yourself. Flowers

Original poster
123bucklemyshoe · 19/08/2013 23:43

Thank you for your lovely support. Lying in bed not sleeping. Will tell them tomorrow - & probably tell funny granny stories ....

OP posts:
myroomisatip · 19/08/2013 23:49

I am so sorry. It is hard to lose a loved one. {{hugs}}

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 19/08/2013 23:53

Very sad for you, we only have one mum, even if the relationship has been difficult at times. And quite a shock to lose a whole generation so quickly.

You sound very thoughtful and sensitive, as do your DSis and your DH. I don't think there is any harm in holding back the news for a day or so, assuming of course that you can hide your feelings.

Really, I suppose I'm saying however you handle it, will be fine. If you tell the kids soon there will be questions and tears, if you leave it a couple of days and explain why, they'll understand. I know a lot of people will disagree with this. I just think she was your mum and you should be able to handle it how you want to, if that means keeping it to yourself for a while that's fine.
Look after yourself sweetheart, sending hugs Flowers

Monty27 · 20/08/2013 00:03

Do you want to tell us some granny stories? Granny stories are usually lovely.

You may well need to be with your family too x

morethanpotatoprints · 20/08/2013 00:20

So sorry OP, your story is the same as my dsis who was on holiday with her family when our mum died, just over 6 years ago.

You are in shock now and tomorrow it will be apparent what you need to do. Be kind to yourself and let your dh help you, he sounds really supportive.
I let mine not take over but sort of lead me to what to do, iyswim.
If it was me I would tell the dc tomorrow and go home early, but you need to do what you think is right.
Sending you my sympathy, so sorry love. Thanks

I also like granny stories and any time you want to share, I like so many others will be here.

maras2 · 20/08/2013 00:24

Sorry for your loss,123.My mum died 13 years ago.She could be difficult but I find that I still miss her.All the best to you and your family. Mx.

Original poster
123bucklemyshoe · 20/08/2013 00:43

So granny stories....

Terrible cook - would be putting on sprouts for Xmas now. Parsnip & banana cake...made dh eat that - two slices for the one I couldn't eat as on diet...

Terrible driver - no accidents apparently although everyone avoiding her...

Dyed her hair pink by accident in the late 1970s...we refused to sit next to her in church....

Terribly tactless. For example saying to my cousin at funeral (her husband-) don't worry dear you can marry again...to be fair my dad had also recently died... But you never new what she was going to say

Travelled the world with my DF & then on her own...

CD be a difficult mum (esp when I was growing up) I came to terms with that & had a good relationship latterly with her....great granny!

Oh & first day back from honeymoon rang st 7.30am on a Sunday to see if I had got up to make my Dh breakfast. My DH loved her!

Oh I will miss her ...

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 20/08/2013 00:56

I am so sorry :(

The best way to go with the DC's is what feels right at the time, you dont have to tell them straight away if you dont feel up to it, you have a few days grace. I had it all planned out what I was going to tell my DS when my Grandad passed, DS and Grandad were devoted to each other. In the end I didnt say any of it, but it was ok for both of us. Trust your instinct, dont worry about what you think you should say, say what feels right at the time and dont be afraid to let your pain show. DS actually asked me if my mum missed him (her Dad) because she didnt cry. Of course she did cry but she didnt want to upset DS, and that confused him.

Take care sweetheart, and thank you for making me smile at Parsnip and Banana cake :)

Monty27 · 20/08/2013 01:04

Oh they're perfect stories Grin

You might need to get back and feel close to her. You'll know what to do tomorrow when you've digested it a bit.

My mum died 9 years ago this weekend. I live a flight away and it was an emergency so dc's were 11 and 8, their dad stepped up (exdh) and took them for me while I went back for the funeral. (quick where I come from). Dc's weren't close to her anything, as I saw it.

They told later they wished they'd been there, for their gm's funeral and for me :(

But we all sit around laughing about the stuff she used to do. Bless her :)

Original poster
123bucklemyshoe · 20/08/2013 01:11

Thankyou all - going to tell kids tomorrow & decide what to do then.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 20/08/2013 01:16

123, joint decision. I feel so bad for you. How old was she? Don't worry about answering if you're trying to get sleep.

Original poster
123bucklemyshoe · 20/08/2013 01:23

She was 84. My age when she had me - youngest of 6 with big gaps. V Independent and lived alone. Unfortunately found by the window cleaner - poor chap. Hope it was quick

OP posts:
ShadowsCollideWithPeople · 20/08/2013 01:26

123, I am so, so sorry about your Mum. Your stories about her are wonderful, and made me smile, especially the parsnip and banana cake. I think you are right to wait until tomorrow to tell your children. You say you are going home on Friday? Do you mind me asking (and tell me to bugger off if you want) what the time frame for funerals is where you are from (assuming UK). As I am in Ireland, so here a funeral will usually be within 2-3 days. Will going home on Friday get your children home in time for the funeral?

Again, so sorry for your loss, you will be in my thoughts Thanks

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