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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think a parent should offer to pay for damage their child has done?

37 replies

ballstoit · 19/08/2013 22:40

A friend visited yesterday with her DC. While my friend and I were washing up, friend's ds (10), damaged something in my living room. Don't want to say what exactly, in case of being outed, but something like ripping off wallpaper. Wasn't an accident and he has no special needs that I know of.

Friend was mortified, and left shortly afterwards. She didn't offer to repair or pay for replacement, and I haven't heard from her since.

AIBU to expect her to offer to pay? Doubt I actually accept or charge full costs (would be £100+), but surely the offer should be made.

OP posts:
Justforlaughs · 19/08/2013 22:43

I would have offered (but then again, my little angels would never have done anything like that Wink)
Note the sarcasm!

Alisvolatpropiis · 19/08/2013 22:44

Yanbu.

Friend is not behaving well.

Yonihadtoask · 19/08/2013 22:45

YANBU.

Of course she should have offered to make amends of some sort. Did she apologise even? Did her DS apologise? At 10 he is certainly old enough to understand that there would be repercussions.

How odd.

everlong · 19/08/2013 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ballstoit · 19/08/2013 22:49

She apologised, but her DS didn't, and she didn't ask him to.

My DC are far from angels, although I hope they wouldn't do this, but I'm pretty sure that I would make the offer.

OP posts:
BlehPukeVomit · 19/08/2013 22:50

They should have offered to pay.

I think it would be ok for you to ask them to contribute to the cost. Price up how much it would cost to repair or replace and let them know. If you don't feel comfortable you could offer to 'go halves'. Don't apologise for asking her to pay.

She probably knows she should have offered but is hoping you will be too embarrassed to say anything.

I would find it awkward but I would still ask.

FloweryOwl · 19/08/2013 22:50

YANBU. I have a friend with three DC, when they come round something gets broken every single time. And it's deliberate which makes it much more annoying and I've never been offered a replacement, its a struggle to get an apology from the children. Usually they break my DCs toys, pull dolls hair out, car wheels off things like that. Drives me crazy.

ExitPursuedByABear · 19/08/2013 22:50

Yes she should have offered.

Original poster
ballstoit · 19/08/2013 22:50

She is skint, and I doubt I'd accept the offer. But I think I would feel less hacked off now if it had been made.

OP posts:
LesserSpottedNeckSnake · 19/08/2013 22:51

YANBU. I'd have been mortified and offered to pay. Then I'd have made DS sell his Xbox to pay for it. My wrath would be legendary.

LazyMonkeyButler · 19/08/2013 22:51

Gosh, yes, of course she should have offered! And made her DS apologise personally. How rude!

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 19/08/2013 22:52

Yes I'd be mortified if one of my dc's did this and I'd definitely offer to contribute towards a repair.

fieldfare · 19/08/2013 22:53

She should definitely offer to pay and should have got him to apologise too.

everlong · 19/08/2013 22:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlehPukeVomit · 19/08/2013 22:53

If she is skint you could offer to go halves AND for her to pay by instalment.

I wouldn't invite her over again either. Grin

Original poster
ballstoit · 19/08/2013 22:56

I will be meeting her outside of my house in future I think, or without the DC.

I would be very uncomfortable asking for money from her, and think that would end the friendship Sad

OP posts:
yoniwherethesundontshine · 19/08/2013 22:58

I think as she is skint the important thing here is that she did obviously feel bad.

Maybe she did panic and want to offer to pay for the damager but literally wouldn't be able to feed the dc if she did...or had to make other cut backs...

I have known quite a few dc to ruin my dc toys, the DM has seen it or watched it even and not batted an eye lid, or, been quite casual about it. Same with their DC physically and deliberately hurting my DC. Not batted an eye lid.

So for me, just that she felt bad would have been some salve for me!

ReallyTired · 19/08/2013 23:04

"She is skint, and I doubt I'd accept the offer. But I think I would feel less hacked off now if it had been made."

Friendship has to go both ways. If her child trashes your decoration then she should find a way of making amends. If she is short of money then prehaps some of the ten year old's toys could be sold to pay towards the damage. The ten year old sounds throughly spoilt and needs to be taught a lesson.

Lack of money is not an excuse for poor behaviour or frankly bad parenting.

BlehPukeVomit · 19/08/2013 23:11

So...

What happens if she goes and buys something non essential next week (or whenever...) Will you be thinking to yourself that she should have used the money to pay you back or will you genuinely be able to 'forget' about the damage her son has deliberately done to your property.?????

It might be best for your friendship if you are honest with her by nicely telling her that you thought she should offer to pay for the damage her son did.

Is the damage something she could help you repair/paint/clean? Perhaps you could ask her to come over to help sort it out???

MintyChops · 19/08/2013 23:13

She should definitely have offered to pay, so rude and very frustrating for you.

smearedinfood · 19/08/2013 23:13

Skint and embarrassed I'd say.

DeWe · 19/08/2013 23:40

I know it would have been nice for her to offer to pay (and I would myself).
But if she hasn't the money, then offering it, knowing you would refuse because she can't afford it, or knowing that if you accept she would have to say "sorry I can't afford it" seems empty to me.

I think I'd feel more irritated by someone who offered to pay knowing that they wouldn't be able to.

EldritchCleavage · 19/08/2013 23:47

But if she is really skint then she could at least write a note to say she simply can't afford to pay for it but is desperately sorry.

AaDB · 19/08/2013 23:48

She may be so morto that she just wanted out of there so she could bollock her lo properly.

She may also be so broke that she can't afford a polite offer to pay to fix the damage.

If she is your good friend, I'd pay but would chat to her before the next visit. I would state what a pita this is and that you cannot afford to pay for any further damage. I'd then call bygones. If it happened again I'd never meet at my house with her DC in tow.

purpleloosestrife · 20/08/2013 20:14

If she did not make her child apologise - then IMHO this was extremely bad parenting.

Genuine accidents/or illness aside, 10y is not 2yo, and at 10 a child should be old enough to understand not to deliberately cause damage. It is incredibly rude to think that you will pay for her child's misbehaviour. I wouldn't think of someone like that to be my friend TBH.