Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be rather horrified with what my friend has just said re premature babies?

116 replies

EweHaveGoatToBeKiddin · 19/08/2013 22:08

She's one of my customers actually, but we do get along.

Anyway, she has just came to my house to pick up her ironing. She's just had a baby, and i was asking the usual "How are you?" "How's baby?" "You look exhausted very well" etc etc.

Then we got chatting about how there seems to be a wee 'baby boom' in our town at the moment. She said she's knows of three premature babies born in the past month and she's so jealous of their mothers.

'They don't have to do night feeds'
'They get to skip the horrible new born first weeks'
'They get to sleep'
'They get to carry on as normal with their lives'
'They can choose how often they want to visit their baby'
'They have 24/7 nannies (nurses, i presume she meant!)'

Now, one of the women she was talking about is actually a mutual acquaintance. And i know that she is torn to pieces about her premature son being in the hospital. She was diagnosed with some sort of heart condition around 30 weeks andd her son had to be delivered asap.

Yesterday she posted on FB that she's absolutely gutted she can't visit her baby today because she's feeling a bit queasy and doesn't want to risk infecting her son.

My customer friend commented on this tonight, "I wish i had someone to just hand my baby over to when i was feeling a bit sick."

I'm pretty gobsmacked and angry that I couldn't say anything more. I just said things like 'I'm sure these parents would much rather their babies healthy and home with them' etc, but i tried to keep my voice reasonable/civil - not snapping at her.

She seemed very causal throughout her wee rant, and said it in a half-jokey way. I'm aware of the fact she could possibly have PND or is just genuinely sleep-deprived, but am i right to be a bit taken aback? The world's gone mad if people are genuinely envious of parent with premature babies. Sad

OP posts:
Wishihadabs · 20/08/2013 07:50

I Have worked on SCBU . I lived in terror of going into prem labour from 24 weeks onwards. I think it one of the most stressful things to go through TBH. A good friend who struggles in her pregnancies once said that she wished she could have the baby at 24 weeks as she hated being pregnant. I was Shock Shock.

I think there needs to be a public aware campaign of what having a prem is realy like. Our feedback and research done by Bliss suggests that others ignorance is one of the most isolating features of dealing with premature birth. Your friend needs to visit a NICU so she can see these tiny scraps clinging to life. Or failing that a well time slap.

Lemons1571 · 20/08/2013 08:07

I'll hold my hands up, I've thought this. In the Baby DC3 plus toddler plus school run days, I was regularly hallucinating, lots of near misses in the car (hitting curbs etc), doing a full days schedule for DCs 1&2 on 2 hours sleep a night after a bad recovery from third c section. I was envious of anyone in hospital, and getting to lie down seemed a far off dream. I even envied cemetaries :( Cut her some slack, it's hard to think straight when you're on the bones of your sleep deprived arse.

Wishihadabs · 20/08/2013 08:20

Lemons have you been in a NICU ?

needasilverlining · 20/08/2013 08:51

DS2 was premature and tiny and spent 3 weeks in SCBU. I made all the jokes about getting a full night 's sleep but walking out of the hospital without him was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I think I'd have gone for anyone I heard making such comments.

jammiedonut · 20/08/2013 08:51

Sorry, she doesn't sound like she's on 'the bones of her sleep deprived arse', the OP is still doing her cleaning and ironing for her! Even if she is suffering with her newborn she should not be voicing such twattish comments!

diddl · 20/08/2013 09:00

Good grief, what an arse!

Because when your baby is in SCBU fighting for their life, you sleep really well, so no pesky night feeds is a godsend...Hmm

bishboschone · 20/08/2013 09:05

What an idiot.. My son was 4 weeks prem and I had to travel by car and train to see him every day after a very painful c section 50 miles away while also looking free my 7 year old daughter . Never min the trauma of going in everyday and worrying if they will even be alive!! It was horrendous and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Pawprint · 20/08/2013 09:06

Stupid comments.

My baby was in SCBU for about ten days (born a little early, didn't have sucking reflex, bad birth and he was unwell) and it was stressful. It was stressful for multiple reasons - obviously, I was worried about him. I also worried about the other babies in there, some of whom were not thriving well :( I hated being alone on the maternity ward - the only one there without my baby.

HOWEVER, I must admit to wishing I was back there because, for his first three months ds was awake all night, with just short naps. The sleep deprivation was torture and I got PND. The rest of his first years were also terrible re. sleep - we had endless assistance from professionals but to no effect.

I do think your friend is being very silly, though. No one wants a sick baby...

lotsofcheese · 20/08/2013 09:06

Lemons: what on earth makes you think NICU patents get sleep? Try sleeping when your baby is having lumbar punctures, being resuscitated & you don't know if he'll make it through the night. And expressing milk every 3 hours. Plus an EMCS & 4 year old.

mrsjay · 20/08/2013 09:13

when dd2 was in scbu some mum on the ward said to me oh least you get a sleep tonight eh ok thenHmm
people are just stupid and say stupid things and really dont engage their brains,

valiumredhead · 20/08/2013 09:16

Lemons-I got no sleep when my baby was in scbu, couldn't get a lie down as I was by his incubator every waking hour just in case he diedSad

bootsycollins · 20/08/2013 09:23

The woman's a bona fide idiot. I'm pretty sure that she could find somebody to have her baby if she was 'feeling a bit sick'. I'd mention other big topics to her just to hear her spin on them so I could judge how big a stupid cunt she is.

Florabeebaby · 20/08/2013 09:32

My DD was premature, born at 32 weeks, stayed in NICU for 2 weeks, SCBU for another 4 weeks.

And there was nothing more heartbreaking and horrible than having to leave her behind every day to go to home. I would have given anything to have her with me and stay up all night feeding, listening to her screaming...anything.
To come home from hospital after giving birth and your baby is not with you is horrible.
My life certainly did not carry on as normal. I also had the beginnings of PTSD after her delivery.

Horrible things to say. Until you have experienced something like that you can't comment.

LittleBearPad · 20/08/2013 09:47

It is definitely a stupid and crass thing to say, which is why I posted that I wondered if she is struggling/PND. Maybe I'm clutching at straws in hope that no one could really mean it.

valiumredhead · 20/08/2013 09:52

Having pnd doesn't turn you into an unsympathetic cunt.

ENormaSnob · 20/08/2013 09:55

Sorry but i really hate this 'must have pnd' for stuff like this.

Most with pnd manage to not be absolute twats or come out with utter bilge.

Its not an excuse for terminal stupidity.

bootsycollins · 20/08/2013 09:59

Exactly.

Fizzyfuzzy123 · 20/08/2013 10:13

For lemons - I stayed in a room off Scbu when my son was in there. As I said. I was woken up by phone or a knock on door whenever he woke during night and had to walk down the hospital corridor in gown and slippers. I had to try and teach my son to suck from nipple guards at stupid o clock or if he couldn't I had to feed him via ngt. Then before I could go back to sleep I had to express. Easy I think not. Also changing nappies through an incubator hole not easy. Thank you. Rest my case. I know I'm sensitive and he's now a healthy 5 month old but it takes the biscuit. Oh and I'm a single mother so I did it all by myself. I actually felt bad about going home for a proper bath once and leaving him with the nurses as its not there job to look after him. They are there for medical purposes. Sorry for being on my high horse but everyday i used to see parents leave hospital with their newborns and I felt sad. You never get over that.

blueballoon79 · 20/08/2013 12:07

My son was born at 26 weeks. I DID have to do night feeds! I had to set an alarm to wake repeatedly through the night to express milk and then take it down to SCBU for him.

I didn't get any sleep as repeatedly I was being told he probably wasn't going to make it through the night.

I didn't carry on a normal life unless normal constitute wandering around in a daze through lack of sleep and fear for your baby's life.

I didn't choose how often to visit my baby- I was constantly by his side as I was afraid that would be the last few moments I would spend with him.

My son was left disabled by his premature birth and for 12 years now has struggled with his disability and I've struggled with the endless hospital appointments, surgery and care.

Your friend is an idiot op.

SisterMatic · 20/08/2013 12:32

I was in transitional care on a ward with DD at first, then after a week I had to come home, I had a toddler who needed her mum..I was pretty ill myself having just had HELLP and a crash section. I sobbed on the nurses shoulder, cried on a doctor...pretty sure the cleaner knew I was devastated having to leave her down in scbu.

I too expressed on a pump, looked after a toddler, rushed up to the hospital and back again, reassured my toddler mummy hadn't deserted her she just had a tiny new sister who couldn't feed properly..yeah...piece of cake Hmm this thread has stirred up some emotion for me..I wont be back to this thread.

LittleBearPad · 20/08/2013 13:25

Actually PND can turn you into a totally different person who feels dead inside, has little or no bod with your own newborn and someone who wants to run screaming as far away as possible from your own life as possible. It is entirely possible you could appear heartless in those circumstances.

Booboostoo · 20/08/2013 13:27

Your friend seems to be totally lacking in empathy. You don't need to have experienced a baby in NICU to be able to imagine what a truly horrible time it must be for everyone involved.

DidoTheDodo · 20/08/2013 13:28

My daughter's premature baby died.
I think I would have wanted to punch her for comments like that.

PrincessScrumpy · 20/08/2013 13:32

She's very naive. Having said that I often comment that dtds being prem meant they slept more than dd1 and scbu did get them into a routine which was fantastic but 3 hourly breast feeds meant I stayed in with them, away from dd1, and dtd1 had to be resuscitated so I can't imagine anyone hoping to watch their child die while doctors save their life just so dc gets into scbu... But then I rarely mention that part!

MiaowTheCat · 20/08/2013 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.