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Original poster

To be rather horrified with what my friend has just said re premature babies?

116 replies

EweHaveGoatToBeKiddin · 19/08/2013 22:08

She's one of my customers actually, but we do get along.

Anyway, she has just came to my house to pick up her ironing. She's just had a baby, and i was asking the usual "How are you?" "How's baby?" "You look exhausted very well" etc etc.

Then we got chatting about how there seems to be a wee 'baby boom' in our town at the moment. She said she's knows of three premature babies born in the past month and she's so jealous of their mothers.

'They don't have to do night feeds'
'They get to skip the horrible new born first weeks'
'They get to sleep'
'They get to carry on as normal with their lives'
'They can choose how often they want to visit their baby'
'They have 24/7 nannies (nurses, i presume she meant!)'

Now, one of the women she was talking about is actually a mutual acquaintance. And i know that she is torn to pieces about her premature son being in the hospital. She was diagnosed with some sort of heart condition around 30 weeks andd her son had to be delivered asap.

Yesterday she posted on FB that she's absolutely gutted she can't visit her baby today because she's feeling a bit queasy and doesn't want to risk infecting her son.

My customer friend commented on this tonight, "I wish i had someone to just hand my baby over to when i was feeling a bit sick."

I'm pretty gobsmacked and angry that I couldn't say anything more. I just said things like 'I'm sure these parents would much rather their babies healthy and home with them' etc, but i tried to keep my voice reasonable/civil - not snapping at her.

She seemed very causal throughout her wee rant, and said it in a half-jokey way. I'm aware of the fact she could possibly have PND or is just genuinely sleep-deprived, but am i right to be a bit taken aback? The world's gone mad if people are genuinely envious of parent with premature babies. Sad

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 19/08/2013 22:24

I would actually feel strongly enough about this to tell her to take her custom elswhere, maybe on the basis it had upset other customers.

WhatEverZen · 19/08/2013 22:25

Yes her comments were idiotic and lacking any insight into how it really is for any parent in this situation ...but they're likely to just reflect what's going on for her at the moment so best to ignore for now

InTheRedCorner · 19/08/2013 22:26

Some people have no understanding outside of their own opinions and views.

This women doesn't appreciate that the hard work of a healthy new born is something to crave and those that miss out due to early birth are rocketed into a world that fortunately not many have to deal with nor understand.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 19/08/2013 22:27

Awful comments but I can't help thinking that she's not coping in some way. I hope she gets help. Sad

lotsofcheese · 19/08/2013 22:27

Could you correct your ignorant friend:

  • no, you don't escape night feeds. In fact I did an extra 12 weeks worth as I was expressing night & day, then had to continue with the usual night feeds once he came home at his term date.
  • you don't choose when to visit your baby - you are dictated by ward policy.
  • no extra sleep when you're expressing 4 hourly.
  • you don't have " nannies" at home - you're left looking after a very fragile, vulnerable baby.

I am feeling "the rage" at your friend.

FaddyPeony · 19/08/2013 22:28

OP I honestly think that this sounds like a cry for help from customer friend. She's clearly not thinking straight, I'd say she's in a bit of a low period. Did she sound bitter/angry?

No mother - when they're getting enough sleep and support - would say something like this.

thebody · 19/08/2013 22:28

she is struggling. show me a new mom who isn't.

I certainly wasn't 'normal' after any if mine and I don't mean diagnosis PND I just mean utterly and completely knackered and daft.

all new moms need cut slack.

AKissIsNotAContract · 19/08/2013 22:29

It sounds to me as if she could be struggling. They are odd comments to make otherwise.

Alisvolatpropiis · 19/08/2013 22:29

This is really bothering me.

Op has your friend ever actually seen a premature baby?

The friends mum I mentioned had her son at 27 weeks, when he came home and I was visiting she offered me a cuddle with him and I couldn't. He was still so tiny (came home after 6 weeks so did well but she should still have been 33 weeks pregnant had all gone to plan). I was frightened of hurting him.

The friend of a friend had her baby at 24 weeks and I've never seen such a frightening thing as a baby born that early. So tiny and utterly fragile. It is amazing they survive. I can't even begin to imagine how frightening the first few months of her baby's life were for her and her DH.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 19/08/2013 22:30

Jesus wept - what a complete and utter fucking idiot... let's just hope none of the parents of the prem babies have to hear her spouting that shit.

raisah · 19/08/2013 22:30

She hasn't a clue about what she is talking about.

This is what the parent of a premie baby goes through:
:

  • giving birth to a baby not knowing if its going to survive & in some cases whether you are going to make it
  • getting calls to come back to the hospital because their condition has deteriorated
  • discussing with drs about when to turn off life support
  • watching them go through v invasive horrific procedures
  • not being able to hold your baby for weeks

I remember going to NICU and walking upto random incubators not knowing which baby was mine as I couldn't remember what he looked like. He was born at 26 weeks and nearly died several times during the 5 months he was at hispital.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 19/08/2013 22:32

Not everyone is 'struggling', some people are just twats and some of those people are mothers.

IF she is struggling I hope she gets help, I still hope none of the parents of the prem babies have to hear the shit she is spouting first though.

thebody · 19/08/2013 22:32

no 'rage' should be shown at a new mom. you just never know how things are with anyone.

I know that in my first new mom haze if knackeredness I prayed for appendicitis as felt this would give me at least a night away from my baby. and SLEEP.

you can be that knackered.

Sanctimummy · 19/08/2013 22:32

Faddy you'd be surprised what idiots there are out there who would say stuff like this.

They also say stuff like this -

I bet she's glad it's early so it was nice and small and didn't hurt as much coming out

I hope my baby comes early, i'm sick of being pregnant and I'm so impatient I want to meet him/her now

Some peoples twattishness and ignorance knows no bounds.

LRDPomogiMnyeSRabotoi · 19/08/2013 22:33

True, chipping.

I know I'm erring on almost hoping she's out of it somehow, because the alternative is nastier, but you're right, it'll make no difference whatsoever to anyone who hears her.

OP, can you drop some really obvious hints about how tough your other mutual friend is finding it?

LadyBigtoes · 19/08/2013 22:34

Agree with Zen, she may be preoccupied with the difficulties of having a small baby, she may be so desperate for sleep she'd say anything, she may have been gabbling inanely and be kicking herself afterwards. I think you have to cut new mums some slack, even if they say something as stupid as this.

I remember when DS was newborn - not premature but I had terrible problems feeding and the nurses took him for a night to top up with formula and told me to get some sleep after a horrendous labour, EMCS and 3 days awake. I was desperate for sleep. I was also desperate not to be away from him for a second, I wanted to have total responsibility for him and do everything for him - so I can see how if he had been premature and in NICU I would have been heartbroken not to be able to. Yet in the end I just conked out and because they were feeding him, I didn't wake up for 8 blissful hours (as far as my body was concerned).

thebody · 19/08/2013 22:34

agree hope she isn't sharing her thoughts with prem babies moms of course.

Famzilla · 19/08/2013 22:38

Just playing devils advocate here.

A friend of DP's suffered with HELLP syndrome and her DD was born at 32 weeks. We were chatting about it one day and I said it must have been very hard for her etc and she quite breezily said "oh it wasn't so bad, we were eased into parenting that way and the nurses got DD onto a 4 hour routine by the time she came home".

Now, I don't actually think she was that dismissive and I'm sure it was incredibly hard for her. But maybe she was just acting casual because she didn't really wanna discuss it IYSWIM?

My point is that maybe your customer has had a similar conversation once, and naively assumed that to be an accurate description of what having a premature baby is actually like.

thebody · 19/08/2013 22:38

chipping, think everyone struggles to be honest.

SisterMatic · 19/08/2013 22:41

I broke my heart crying leaving my baby in scbu.
I didn't sleep well, I didn't rest, certainly didnt relax. I spent every day visiting her. I spent my birthday at her side.

Part of me wants to say she just doesn't mean any harm, just doesn't know what she is saying, probably very tired..but the raw side of me is really annoyed.

Mama1980 · 19/08/2013 22:41

Awful and deeply offensive comments. Hmm And Angry I say that as a mum of 26 and 24 week preemies.
I would have given my life for a healthy full term baby in a heartbeat. The agony of watching your baby fight for months for their lives is something I would never ever wish on another human being.

SisterMatic · 19/08/2013 22:42

Famzilla i had HELLP too. It is traumatizing, so I understand her glossing over it. Tbh I struggle to remember some parts.

OHforDUCKScake · 19/08/2013 22:43

I think your friend needs help.

She clearly isnt thinking straight. She doesnt want her baby all the time she just wants to visit it. Something is wrong.

She sounds like she needs help and sleep

If she is a friend, surely you know she doesnt say such awful stuff usually?

beepoff · 19/08/2013 22:43

Is it just a really bad "joke"?

TwelveLeggedWalk · 19/08/2013 22:47

Well clearly she's a test if the highest order, but she might've been speaking to someone like me. My premmies were in for seven weeks and if I'm speaking to strangers about it I often joke about them bring looked after properly by professionals compared to making it up once they came home.
Especially when my two were noticeably small and it was all a bit raw, it was much easier than hinting at weeks of medical care and incubators and pumping and transfer ambulances and all the rest.
But you'd have to be a proper rally to take that seriously, especially once you HAVE a baby (ignorance beforehand is easier to allow for).