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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be rather horrified with what my friend has just said re premature babies?

116 replies

EweHaveGoatToBeKiddin · 19/08/2013 22:08

She's one of my customers actually, but we do get along.

Anyway, she has just came to my house to pick up her ironing. She's just had a baby, and i was asking the usual "How are you?" "How's baby?" "You look exhausted very well" etc etc.

Then we got chatting about how there seems to be a wee 'baby boom' in our town at the moment. She said she's knows of three premature babies born in the past month and she's so jealous of their mothers.

'They don't have to do night feeds'
'They get to skip the horrible new born first weeks'
'They get to sleep'
'They get to carry on as normal with their lives'
'They can choose how often they want to visit their baby'
'They have 24/7 nannies (nurses, i presume she meant!)'

Now, one of the women she was talking about is actually a mutual acquaintance. And i know that she is torn to pieces about her premature son being in the hospital. She was diagnosed with some sort of heart condition around 30 weeks andd her son had to be delivered asap.

Yesterday she posted on FB that she's absolutely gutted she can't visit her baby today because she's feeling a bit queasy and doesn't want to risk infecting her son.

My customer friend commented on this tonight, "I wish i had someone to just hand my baby over to when i was feeling a bit sick."

I'm pretty gobsmacked and angry that I couldn't say anything more. I just said things like 'I'm sure these parents would much rather their babies healthy and home with them' etc, but i tried to keep my voice reasonable/civil - not snapping at her.

She seemed very causal throughout her wee rant, and said it in a half-jokey way. I'm aware of the fact she could possibly have PND or is just genuinely sleep-deprived, but am i right to be a bit taken aback? The world's gone mad if people are genuinely envious of parent with premature babies. Sad

OP posts:
TwelveLeggedWalk · 19/08/2013 22:48

Twat, not test
Wally, not rally

iPhone hates moderate insults it would appear!

Original poster
EweHaveGoatToBeKiddin · 19/08/2013 22:48

I really only know her through work. So it's more a 'professional' friendship we have. I clean her house twice a week, and she'll often invite me to hang round for a cup of tea when I'm finished and we'll have a wee ten minute chat here and there.

She's never said anything so horrible before, no. But she does have strong opinions on things, likes to gossip, seems to always compare herself to others.

I'm due to go to her house on Wednesday morning, so I'll see how she's feeling then.

OP posts:
1944girl · 19/08/2013 22:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyoftheyear · 19/08/2013 22:51

She's an ignoramus.

froken · 19/08/2013 22:59

What she said was really not nice. I hope she limits her opinions to those not struggling with the reality of a baby in hospital.

I think maybe her reaction is influenced by her own newmother hormones. I was a bit loopy when ds was tiny. I went tge otherway, I have a friend on facebook ( we were in the same friendship circle as teenagers but never especially close) who gave birth to a baby extremely prematurely when my dc was a couple of days old, I think it's natural to feel sad when you see sad things happening to those around you but I was so devastated for her and her tiny baby, I'd sob into my little newborn's soft head thinking how fragile friend's baby was. I think that my reaction was so strong because we were so similar in many ways but so very different. I really loved those first few weeks of being a mum and the idea of my baby being kept apart from me was really upsetting but if you are struggling and not enjoying early motherhood so much and maybe mourning your previous life you might see a poorly baby as a way out.

Hopefully your friend starts to enjoy motherhood a bit more and stops wishing away the baby she has.

RoastedCouchPotatoes · 19/08/2013 23:03

That's shocking Shock

My DD1 was born at 24wks. I got to choose when I visited her, but also had to watch her be resuscitated and know had a higher chance of dying than not (due to a congenital heart defect) and every single moment I was away from her I was desperate.

She may well have PND which causes her to say this, which is truly heartbreaking, because she's basically saying she wishes her baby could have health problems, higher chances of death and higher chances of health problems and learning disabilities.

rockybalboa · 19/08/2013 23:07

What a hideous and frankly thick as pig shit thing to say. Stupid stupid woman. YANBU. At ALL.

ballstoit · 19/08/2013 23:17

There are stupid people around...SIL had DTNephews at 32 weeks as one had stopped growing. He was less than 2lbs, and it was touch and go whether he'd survive One friend texted congratulations, and 'bet you're relieved you won't get stretch marks now'. Hmm

Featherbag · 19/08/2013 23:23

Stupid, stupid woman. Obviously has no idea what it's like to leave hospital with no baby, or to have to set an alarm for midnight, 3am, 6am etc. to attach yourself to an electronic milking machine to feed the baby you have to ask permission to hold. To draw blood biting the inside of your lip in an effort not to burst into tears, because you know the person who's just cheerily commented on how lucky you are to have someone training your baby to not want picking up all the time meant well really. I hope she never finds out what these things are like, because I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

LunaticFringe · 19/08/2013 23:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

valiumredhead · 19/08/2013 23:35

She's hadn't a clue!

A nurse in the scbu told me I should make the most of my time offHmm witch!

TheBleedinObvious · 19/08/2013 23:41

I would cut her some slack.

She is a thoughtless idiot for saying these things but not for thinking them.

I felt similar about my dc. Didnt bond as newborn at all and just went through the motions for the first few months. I wasn't depressed, just saw babies as a lot of work with little payoff at that stage and when you have no support (I didn't, not sure about your friend of course) you just don't get a break and people expect you to be overjoyed.

Things improved at around three months and then again at a year and again at around 18 months as I much prefer toddlers and we have a fantastic relationship now.

I do look at new mothers who go on about how wonderful things are and I still find it very hard to believe they are telling the truth as my experience was the opposite. But I guess there must be some who thrive during the newborn stage. I keep my opinions to myself though as it would be rude otherwise.

She was still being rediculous and thoughtless to say these things.

Iamsparklyknickers · 19/08/2013 23:41

She sounds very wrapped up in her own world at the very least...

I would have to give her the benefit of doubt that she's in new mum daze and has no control of her mouth at the moment just because it's such an awful comment to make it's socially backward.

I'll hold my hands up and say that I've thought random thoughts I'm ashamed of, but I have the sense to check myself and certainly not say them out loud, I can only presume she's temporarily lost that ability.

For her sake I hope none of the mums of those little babies ever hears her and it might be kind to remind her of that if she opens that nasty mouth again.

Joiningthegang · 19/08/2013 23:45

Maybe she is tired, not really thinking or just very flippant

In the throes of sleep deprivation I was quite envious of a woman I read about in the paper because she was in a coma - how lovely

Clearly I didn't want to be in a coma - bit I was soooo tired an depressed it seemed, for a moment, and easier option

Fizzyfuzzy123 · 20/08/2013 02:47

As one of those parents she is completely wrong and has infuriated me! I would have done anything to bring my baby home straight away! Plus we did do night feeds as I stayed in hospital and was woken up for them! Also that time in hospital is also there growing womb time so when they come home it is like bringing home a newborn! So we have added extra work! Tell her to come talk to me and I'll put her straight! Grrrrrrrrrr

Fizzyfuzzy123 · 20/08/2013 02:49

Plus for the 3 nights I did spend at home whilst my son was in Scbu I did not get any sleep as I was so scared and worried

SamHamwidge · 20/08/2013 03:08

Me too my dd was in NICU then SCBU for 2mo having been born 9w early.

It has a long lasting emotional effect. Even now I think how lucky I am, feel guilty for those babies who didn't make it Sad and look forward to the hopefully long life she will have that would have been cut short if it wasn't for the amazing staff and years of research gone into premature babies.

It's such a shock suddenly finding yourself with a baby ( mine was my pfb so even more so) and having to think about expressing etc and all that kind of thing when mentally you still have x months left of preparation. On top of the other stresses of having a preemie of course.

I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but if your friend could even experience a tiny bit of what it is like she.wouldn't dream of saying those things.

Christmasberry · 20/08/2013 03:15

You still have a 'new born' baby when your premmie gets home! I would have much rather been woken up by screaming baby than someone telling me at 2am my baby is in unlikely to last the night (she proved them wrong) or she needs another blood transfusion.

elliejjtiny · 20/08/2013 04:27

DS4 was born at 35 weeks. His birth and the 4 weeks he spent in NICU was one of the most traumatic things I've ever had to go through, and he was off CPAP and in a normal cot after 24 hours. I can't imagine what it must be like to have a really early baby who is fighting for their lives.

ENormaSnob · 20/08/2013 05:35

She is thick.

EarlyIntheMorning · 20/08/2013 05:47

How ignorant. My lovely DS was born 12 weeks early. 9 years on and I still haven't recovered from the trauma. Out of your lovely friend's list, only the last one is really true.

JoandMax · 20/08/2013 05:49

She may be struggling but she could also just be a bitch.There are plenty around!

DS2 was NG fed, I got a fair few comments about how it must be so much easier when he was teething/ill, I could feed him asleep rather than worry about fitting in bottles during awake time. Because of course having to hold a screaming baby down to shove a plastic tube down their throats on average once a week was a piece of piss...........

lotsofcheese · 20/08/2013 05:52

I don't know how some of the posters on this thread can even begin to defend this woman! "Oh, she must have PND" "Perhaps she 's overwhelmed".

As a mother of 2 prems, I'll admit I'm over-sensitive on the subject.

There are no excuses for saying such awful things.

ItWasLightCreamCheese · 20/08/2013 07:09

As a mother of premature twins who spent the first six months of their lives in and out of hospital, and as a mother who, two years later, is still on a fuckload of drugs to try to cope with the trauma and the residual fear, your acquaintance is an ignorant fucking bitch. Lucky for her she has no experience of parenting a premature child.

And unlucky you OP for having to interact with her.

NandH · 20/08/2013 07:19

What a fuckwit idiot!
My first dc was prem at 32weeks, the whole situation was awful, the hospital was an hours drive away and I.wasnt allowed to stay with dd, I got mastitis and all the temperature/flu crap that came with it and couldn't go visit her on one of the days, I felt like a failure!

When I had a healthy happy 38weeker ds this year I jumped at the chance to take him straight home, and that's exactly what we did 4 hours after his birth!

What an utterly stupid unthoughtful thing for your 'friend' to say!!!

she'd be no friend of mine after a comment like that!!

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