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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is DH for saying we can't have another child now we have 2 cats

42 replies

BettyBottersBetterButter · 19/08/2013 17:50

I'd been pestering DH for DC number 3 for a while & whilst it was never an out-right no he'd rather stop at 2 & always changed the subject or said we'd discuss it in a few months. Earlier this year our cat died & we agreed to get another one - DC & I wanted to get 2 but DH wanted 1. One night we were having the 3rd baby debate & I could see he was less & less keen & beginning to get a bit annoyed at my constant talking about it so I said "if you agree to getting 2 cats I won't mention the baby thing again". To which he agreed & we got 2 cats. Of course my baby yearnings didn't magically disappear with the extra cat but I decided not to bring it up for a few months.

We were visiting his sister this weekend & she mentioned us having more children (in a friendly 'I know your keen but hadn't you better get a wriggle on' way) so I said I'd still love another one but DH isn't keen. He overheard & got really arsey saying I'd made a promise never to discuss it again once he'd agreed to getting a 2nd cat. She roared with laughter & couldn't believe he would plan his family around a couple of cats & that he was crazy to think I actually meant it when everyone knew how desperate I was for another baby. He was in a right huff & wouldn't discuss it other than to say we are NEVER having any more children now we have 2 cats. I (flippantly) said fine we'll get rid of the cats to which he said fine & stomped off. Hmm

So, all very childish but is DH being unreasonable for thinking I honestly wouldn't want another baby when we got the 2 cats or am I for making & then wanting to break this promise? And where do we got from here....?

OP posts:
FutTheShuckUp · 19/08/2013 17:53

He's told you he isn't happy to have another. Regardless of cats dogs or any other animals you may have you need to respect his wishes and let it lie now or you may end up driving a wedge between you Thanks

Iamsparklyknickers · 19/08/2013 17:54

Umm stop saying things you don't mean.

It's clearly not a flippant subject for you so don't be flippant about it.

Yes your DH is a little dim to think cats vs baby was a good deal - but if he's really adamant then he's probably taking any angle given to him, if you treat it like getting a cat then why shouldn't he follow your lead?

YABU.

AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating · 19/08/2013 17:54

This reply has been deleted

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OldLadyKnowsNothing · 19/08/2013 17:55

Hmm, yabu, I think. You made the offer of two cats/no more baby talk, he didn't force you into it and he is nbu to expect you to stick by it.

Sorry.

Bowlersarm · 19/08/2013 17:56

It's always difficult when one wants more children than the other.

But you are coming across as now having got what you wanted, you want to change the agreement. I'm not surprised your DH is getting in a huff.

You both sound a bit childish about a serious subject.

Naysa · 19/08/2013 17:56

I think YABU! You've tricked him into getting cats he didn't want under false pretences and now you're trying to force him, along with family members, by nagging, into having another child?

I think you're being unfair. If he does give into your pestering the pair of you will know that he didn't want the baby. That will just cause further issues.

Imagine being that child and finding out your mum had to nag your dad over and over to have you.

Not fair on anyone in the situation tbh.

curlew · 19/08/2013 17:57

I think you both need to grow up, frankly!

TheOnlyPink · 19/08/2013 17:59

I think you are being unreasonable. He prob would have agreed to anything to save your feelings on saying no to another child. He doesn't want a third and the cat has nothing at all to do with it.

SilverApples · 19/08/2013 17:59

I'm with OldLady, and so you either accept that two children is what you will have, or you continue to negotiate and hope he will change his mind, or you leave him and shag someone else to get the third.
Why did you make such a daft bargain if you didn't mean it? Haven't you read any fairytales? Rumplestiltskin? Rapunzel? Grin
Swapped your unconceived for a cat. Oops.

hooochycoo · 19/08/2013 18:04

crikey. i think a third child, and all the chaos, hard work, lack of personal and couple time that ensues would kill your marriage if this is how you both operate.

Squitten · 19/08/2013 18:04

You sound very childish! Why would you say such a stupid thing in the first place? I'm not surprised that your DH is angry that you would treat his feelings with such flippancy. Your family members laughing at him about it is also really nice.

You cannot make him have another child that he doesn't want. So you have to choose: either you break up your current family and find another willing man to have a child with or you accept what you have. There really is no other option.

Whoknowswhocares · 19/08/2013 18:07

Bloody hell, how manipulative!
You used not having a third child as a bribe to get your own way about an extra cat, then go back on your promise and restart the discussion. And think HE is the one being unreasonable???
He has made it abundantly clear he does not want anther child. Trying to browbeat him into it is far, far beyond unreasonable. If both of you are not in complete agreement, another child may well be he end of your relationship. As much as you might want one, if he doesn't too, then it has to be off the table. Sorry.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/08/2013 18:08

Stop saying things you don't mean. He's not psychic. Also, he didn't want two cats and has two cats. He doesn't want another child, you 'pester' him. Not cool.

BTW I want another and DH doesn't. We are not having another.

StuntGirl · 19/08/2013 18:11

The one who doesn't want more children trumps the one who does. Always.

Lonecatwithkitten · 19/08/2013 18:13

When I was married it was very clear there were 4 vacancies in the household occupied by 1 child, 1 dog and 2 cats. Simple system.
Anyway in my book cats are superior to children.

Original poster
BettyBottersBetterButter · 19/08/2013 18:16

Ok so clearly AIBU & stunt girl is right (unfortunately for me Hmm) - not wanting another child does trump wanting one. And for those worried we have unloved/unwanted cat(s) DH has said many times he's glad I persuaded him to get two which of course doesn't help me thinking he'd the same about a baby!!

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 19/08/2013 18:28

I know it must be hard Betty when you really want a child. But focus on the children you are already lucky enough to have, the husband who loves you and the wonderful life you will have together.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 19/08/2013 18:37

You can't seriously be thinking because he was pleased that you persuaded him to get the extra cat , that that equates to him being happy about an extra baby if you were to persuade him?

BigBoobiedBertha · 19/08/2013 18:45

Well, I think I bit unfair that others are accusing you of breaking your promise not to mention it again. It was his sister that brought the subject up with you, after all and I doubt she would let it go if she sensed an issue and you refused to speak. He was also unreasonable to ask that you never talk about it again to anybody, even if you never say anything to him. That is just as unfair on you as it is for you to keep on at him about having another child.

However, I think the cats are irrelevant. If your DH doesn't want another baby you will have to accept that. Maybe mention a couple of times a year in passing to see if he has changed his mind (people do occasionally) but leave it be the rest of the time or it will start to get old and irritating and even less likely to happen. On top of all that, the two children you have will start to wonder why they aren't enough for you and I am sure you wouldn't want them to feel they are second best to some imaginary baby that will probably never exist.

NotYoMomma · 19/08/2013 18:52

you are being an arse

Floggingmolly · 19/08/2013 19:03

You don't sound mature enough to have any three kids.

Maryz · 19/08/2013 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 19/08/2013 19:07

I hope that, as he doesn't want any more, he has taken control of contraception. If you're going to talk the talk, you should walk the walk.

SilverApples · 20/08/2013 07:39

That seems fair, expat. It could also focus his mind on his absolute decision to have no more.

fluffyraggies · 20/08/2013 07:50

OP [sister] couldn't believe he would plan his family around a couple of cats

But he wasn't. He was planning his family round something his wife promised.

I had the most incredibly strong, un-ignorable maternal drive for my no.3. Never felt anything like it in my life at that point. So i have sympathy with you.

BUT I think OP, that when you made the very childish 'cat deal' with your DH you equated the strength of your maternal instincts for a third child with fancying a second pet.

In this way you have damaged your chances of being taken seriously by your DH over this.

I think you should think hard about pushing for this. It sounds like your DH is trying his hardest to tell you how much he doesn't want any more kids.