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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Warning: Dull and NCT related but help me work it out

70 replies

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 19/08/2013 08:00

Riiiiggghhhht....DS nearly 9 months

I know I'm lucky - he's a good baby who eats and sleeps well after a rough start. A placid little chunky thing.

He's pretty flexible and I've tried not to be a slave to routine in that he will sleep when out but I do like to have one of his naps at home during the day at least and at least three times a week, we potter about near or at home to let him have quieter days and not get too overtired as now hes a bit bigger and mire interested in things, he diesnt slerp as well shen out and about. He has the reputation in the NCT class as being the "easy" baby - through them observing him snoozing off quite happily etc rather than any boasting by me!

Now to the issue, there is a girl who hasn't made many of the meet ups. Her baby seems to be more "difficult" I can't think of the appropriate word and that is her description she often calls off at the last minute (she must have had at least 6 friends emigrating abroad that she just found out about on the day they were leaving which coincidentally is our meet up day-- no problem - no one's obliged to come.

However, where I'm getting a bit annoyed is that she has asked to meet up with me separately on 4 occasions. The first 3 she has cancelled on the morning of the day. Last Monday, she cancelled due to the fact that she and get DS had a very bad cold. No problem - I just arranged to meet up with two other friends for a coffee. Where it got slightly embarrassing was that whilst we were sitting in the coffee shop window, we saw her walk past. She did a huge double take and looked totally embarrassed. She was with another friend and when we mentioned about the colds and glad to see that she and DS were up and about for a walk, the friend looked a bit Confused. So it was all a bit cringe.

Anyway, she texted me and asked to meet up today. I usually always go to near where she lives (about 6 miles away) to meet up but this time I asked if we could meet near me as that's more convenient for me tiday and I think we should the load of going to meet each other. That's polite, right? We both drive. I've just had a text asking if I can come to her house as her DS is crawling and won't sit still

I'm feeling pissed off. I have to pay for parking where she lives and I don't really want to do a 12 mile round trip for her convenience - I feel everything is done for her convenience and there's never any consideration of mine and DS'. I'm also nearly 20 weeks pregnant again and whilst I'm bit precious about it, I don't really want to lug DS in to her house in his seat. I normally have to park about 500 yards away down a hill (oy on street, paid parking). Prams are not allowed inside but have to be outside in an unsecured bit and I don't really want to have to take DS into the house, go back with the pram and repeat when we leave.

DH thinks she's a piss taker and I should just say no, sorry. Doesn't suit. He's normally quite live and let live. Howrver, he thinks I should just be politely unavailable for any further meet up suggestions. But I don't want to be OTT.

AIBU to follow DH's suggestion or am I actually being unkind and need to appreciate the fact that I should be going out of my way for other people sometimes?

OP posts:
Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 19/08/2013 08:02

Please ignore the dreadful spelling in my OP Blush

'twas my iPhone - honestly

OP posts:
Reality · 19/08/2013 08:05

Well, the charitable bit of me thinks she is clearly struggling and is a bit flaky.

But the other bit of me wants to shake you and tell you to drop her like a hot potato. She's not your friend and you dont' owe her anything.

You could just send her a text and say that you've just found out your friend is emigrating so you can't meet her...

She sounds like a twat, who only wants to meet you when she hasn't got a better offer.

maddy68 · 19/08/2013 08:06

Sounds to me like she could be really struggling with parenting Could she have pnd?
On the other hand she could be ind if those irritating people that never sticks to plans if she gets a better offer.
Depends on how much you wish to maintain this friendship?

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 19/08/2013 08:07

reality - that is exactly the kind of advice I need.
You sound like DH this morning Grin

I think I'm struggling with not wanting to be unkind to someone who's struggling a bit but I do think I've kind of got to the end of the line with it

OP posts:
Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 19/08/2013 08:07

Maybe she just feels a bit embarrassed. She has a baby that's hard work and yours looks so easy to her. Is this friend childless? Perhaps she didn't want you to see she wasn't coping so well. Could it have been her sister /SIL or cousin rather than a friend?

AgentProvocateur · 19/08/2013 08:07

I am kind and thoughtful, and always give people the benefit of the doubt, but I'm with your DH on this. Cancelling you last time, but then going out with another friend would have been the last straw.

I'd also be inclined to tell her why you weren't prepared to put yourself out massively for her. It might make her think about how she treats people in future.

Peacocklady · 19/08/2013 08:08

Nope just say you can't make it. Is she a friend you want to spend time with or someone you feel obliged to help? She'll happily cancel for her convenience so you can too.
I have a friend who often cancels and is always late but she's the same with everyone. I take all arrangements with a pinch of salt or say it's fine if you can't make it but I need to know by x as there are other things I can do and i assume things will be an hour later.

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 19/08/2013 08:10

Grin at Reality's text

maddy - I'm not that bothered about maintaining the friendship. I luckily have plenty if people to meet up with. Due to the fact that DS and I have " potter days", partly due to me liking my own company, we very luckily have more invites and things to do than we can manage

One thing that annoys me is that on two occasions I've turned down invites from a really good chum to meet up with NCT acquaintance and then she's cancelled in me!

OP posts:
KoalaFace · 19/08/2013 08:13

In situations like this with someone who is clearly not valuing your friendship I'd say either drop her and forget trying to be her friend or be a 'fair weather' friend. Only meet up when it suits you. Don't be putting yourself out.

Faithless12 · 19/08/2013 08:13

I wouldn't bother it's putting you out and it doesn't look like she ever puts herself out. However, why do you need to take your DS out in his seat? If thats the only issue because the seats awkward etc just pick your DS up and his bag it's only 500 yards.

cantreachmytoes · 19/08/2013 08:14

She obviously isn't sitting at home alone struggling with an illness (depression, thyroid etc), as you saw her out and about after she'd cancelled.

If you think she is someone you would like tone friends with, then you need it to be more equal. You have a baby too and are pregnant. That trumps starting to crawl! She can come to yours - maybe make sure there's low height child-proofing if your DC isn't starting to crawl yet, but don't go to her!

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 19/08/2013 08:14

I do really feel for her with her DS. However, as DH pointed out, her mum does come to get house every day for 4 hours to let her have a sleep in the morning and do her housework etc, bring meals

Now I know that I am very lucky that DS sleeps through and 4 hours in the morning does not make up for broken nights. However, I still tried not to let people diwn at the last minute/cancel when I had grim morning sickness and a 6 month old DS to look after

OP posts:
ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 19/08/2013 08:15

You need the mn classic: "that doesn't work for me"

Groovee · 19/08/2013 08:15

I'd cancel and say no.

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 19/08/2013 08:18

faithless I find lugging all 24 pounds of him and the bag just as bad as when he's in the seat.

He doesn't seem to realise he needs to hold on so he's like a flipping dead weight. My point is that it would be very helpful if she could make a slight exception to her no pram rule and let me leave mine in the hall (wooden floors). I'd bring a bin bag for the wheels to go on. I feel I'm constantly being asked to go out of my way etc but no consideration is given to me

OP posts:
SPBisResisting · 19/08/2013 08:18

yanbu - just tell her you'd rather meet somewhere else

pianodoodle · 19/08/2013 08:19

One of my best friends had her baby a few weeks after I had my first and she was always cancelling plans at the last minute. This irritated some others but not me as she is a single parent and her baby wouldn't sleep! She's not like that any more so it was just circumstances.

The only difference is that she wouldn't have been out and about with someone else if she said she was ill she'd be at home so that would annoy me.

I think if it genuinely doesn't suit you to go to her don't go. It will let you see if she's as understanding as you have been about not always being able to do things.

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 19/08/2013 08:21

truth - think I'm going to go for your text

agent - I'm too much of a wuss to say why I'm cancelling although I'd like to! Conscious that we will meet up again if she ever gets to one of our weekly meetings so I don't want to cause any bad feeling in the group

OP posts:
Diamond7 · 19/08/2013 08:22

Either drop her or suggest she comes to you. He can crawl at yours.

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 19/08/2013 08:22

I'm wondering if I should say something about being preggo but I don't want to one of those annoying twats who treats it like an illness

OP posts:
Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 19/08/2013 08:23

Hmmm re her coming to me. I can't actually be arsed but that is the nicer middle ground. I need to think

OP posts:
Diamond7 · 19/08/2013 08:24

If she's not coming to group but approaching you, I'd guess she might have confidence/insecurity issues.

AidanTheRevengeNinja · 19/08/2013 08:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 19/08/2013 08:28

Er, yes Aidan - now you put it like that, that is about the sum total of it Blush Grin

OP posts:
MummyBeerest · 19/08/2013 08:29

Hmm...I do feel for her in the sense that hard days can often lead to flaky behaviour. I had PND and found it tough, especially at its peak, to juggle everything that went on during the week-playdates, meetings with non-parent friends, errands would some days seem insurmountable to me. I'd feel totally guilty afterwards and then be even more miserable the next day.

Still, there's got to be give and take for friends. It's not fair that she should assume everyone should make things most convenient for her above all elsr because she has "the difficult baby."

I'd say no, but be sure to let her know if she's having a hard time, it really is ok to just say so. Understanding but fair, I'd think.