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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Warning: Dull and NCT related but help me work it out

70 replies

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 19/08/2013 08:00

Riiiiggghhhht....DS nearly 9 months

I know I'm lucky - he's a good baby who eats and sleeps well after a rough start. A placid little chunky thing.

He's pretty flexible and I've tried not to be a slave to routine in that he will sleep when out but I do like to have one of his naps at home during the day at least and at least three times a week, we potter about near or at home to let him have quieter days and not get too overtired as now hes a bit bigger and mire interested in things, he diesnt slerp as well shen out and about. He has the reputation in the NCT class as being the "easy" baby - through them observing him snoozing off quite happily etc rather than any boasting by me!

Now to the issue, there is a girl who hasn't made many of the meet ups. Her baby seems to be more "difficult" I can't think of the appropriate word and that is her description she often calls off at the last minute (she must have had at least 6 friends emigrating abroad that she just found out about on the day they were leaving which coincidentally is our meet up day-- no problem - no one's obliged to come.

However, where I'm getting a bit annoyed is that she has asked to meet up with me separately on 4 occasions. The first 3 she has cancelled on the morning of the day. Last Monday, she cancelled due to the fact that she and get DS had a very bad cold. No problem - I just arranged to meet up with two other friends for a coffee. Where it got slightly embarrassing was that whilst we were sitting in the coffee shop window, we saw her walk past. She did a huge double take and looked totally embarrassed. She was with another friend and when we mentioned about the colds and glad to see that she and DS were up and about for a walk, the friend looked a bit . So it was all a bit cringe.

Anyway, she texted me and asked to meet up today. I usually always go to near where she lives (about 6 miles away) to meet up but this time I asked if we could meet near me as that's more convenient for me tiday and I think we should the load of going to meet each other. That's polite, right? We both drive. I've just had a text asking if I can come to her house as her DS is crawling and won't sit still

I'm feeling pissed off. I have to pay for parking where she lives and I don't really want to do a 12 mile round trip for her convenience - I feel everything is done for her convenience and there's never any consideration of mine and DS'. I'm also nearly 20 weeks pregnant again and whilst I'm bit precious about it, I don't really want to lug DS in to her house in his seat. I normally have to park about 500 yards away down a hill (oy on street, paid parking). Prams are not allowed inside but have to be outside in an unsecured bit and I don't really want to have to take DS into the house, go back with the pram and repeat when we leave.

DH thinks she's a piss taker and I should just say no, sorry. Doesn't suit. He's normally quite live and let live. Howrver, he thinks I should just be politely unavailable for any further meet up suggestions. But I don't want to be OTT.

AIBU to follow DH's suggestion or am I actually being unkind and need to appreciate the fact that I should be going out of my way for other people sometimes?

OP posts:

YouStayClassySanDiego · 19/08/2013 08:30

Just text her and say going to hers wasn't in your plan for the day then leave it at that.

mnistooaddictive · 19/08/2013 08:33

She may be really struggling and not be able to face going out. Maybe she needs a friend. I would give her the benefit of the doubt. Can i just say that this is NOT NCT related at all, just a person you met through their classes which is completely different!

theoriginalandbestrookie · 19/08/2013 08:38

I'd text her and say that you are feeling rough and don't feel up to travelling or carrying DS to her house. She is very welcome to come to yours. Two can play her game and whilst yes she may be struggling etc etc. if she really wants to see you she will come to yours.

If you aren't getting anything from the friendship may as well cut it out by the way as you are going to have even less time when new baby arrives.

BlackholesAndRevelations · 19/08/2013 08:39

What Aidan said. You can't be that ill or depressed if you can let someone down then go out with someone else instead.

ChasedByBees · 19/08/2013 08:41

Absolutely no way would I meet up with her after catching her out last time. Amazed he has the balls to ask you to put yourself out again!

And whilst pregnancy isn't an illness it's a valid reason to want to avoid lifting etc, and certainly a better reason than 'my baby is crawling'.

Really if she's not been to any of the meet ups and your babies are so young, you must hardly know her. I wouldn't bother.

monkeymamma · 19/08/2013 08:43

Just do/don't do what you feel like doing/whatever's convenient to you. No need to gripe about her/agonize over whether she's worth your friendship etc etc. And not relevant imo whether her mum helps her/whether her baby is easy/difficult/whatever.

Just text something back like, I'm a bit knackered as pregnant, don't want to do round trip today but how about we meet at x as kids can crawl about there?

Original poster

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 19/08/2013 08:50

Right - I've just texted to say I'm a bit beyond being able to lug DS about for the permit parking - bump starting g to get in the way true. However, happy to meet near me for a walk

Am waiting a response.....

OP posts:

theoriginalandbestrookie · 19/08/2013 09:07

Interesting ( rubs hands) lets see how you get on....

Original poster

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 19/08/2013 09:12

I'm back. That was a stupid text as it gave her the option of offering to carry DS - which she did.

However, I think the tone may have worked as it was followed quickly by an offer to come to meet me for a walk at 1:30 today. So I'll go for that.

Aaah the angst. Have checked my emails and just seem one pulling out if next week's meet (sleep issues, fair enough) and a planned night out.

I think we're filler friends. Fair enough. I do t feel the need to become BFF with other NCT chums unless it happens naturally

OP posts:

Blissx · 19/08/2013 09:17

Can't wait to hear her reply!

Blissx · 19/08/2013 09:19

Cross post-sorry! Glad to see she backed down. However, I wouldn't worry so much about her in the future.

jacks365 · 19/08/2013 10:15

I'm starting to wonder whether she perhaps needs childcare for something maybe a hairdressers appointment or the like, if you do find yourself going watch out for the "I just need to pop out for a second". I'd stick with it doesn't work for me.

Emsmaman · 19/08/2013 10:36

Although your friend's behaviour is well out of order can I just offer another perspective as a mum to an - ahem - difficult child. I found it really difficult when my mum friends started getting pregnant whilst our first children were still babies. I cried after I found out one of my NCT group was pregnant, it absolutely knocked me sideways. Took me a while to figure out why and believe it was because other people choosing to have another baby in quick succession, at a point where I still felt completely overwhelmed and struggling, made me wonder what I was doing wrong and I must be such a crap mother to still feel like that when everyone else was enjoying it so much they wanted to do it all again. It also made me feel as if I'd been cheated of something, kind of like everyone going to a party and me not getting an invitation! On top of that I worried that I would lose my group of mum friends as they would be so busy with 2 babies and be at a different "place" than me (With DD at 2.5 mo I am the only one to not have a 2nd). She may be organising one to one catch ups as she worries about being left behind.

This may not be how she feels at all, as I say, just trying to add a different perspective!

Emsmaman · 19/08/2013 10:37

Sorry 2.5 yo not month!

rockybalboa · 19/08/2013 10:45

Just say sorry but you can't make it after all. Don't offer any made up excuses like she has done, just say no and don't go!!

Rugbycomet · 19/08/2013 10:53

Vey valid point emsmaman

Rugbycomet · 19/08/2013 10:53

Very...!!

Original poster

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 19/08/2013 10:59

Noted ems - TBH, DC2 was a big surprise . Certainly not the case that I am earth mother par excellence!

OP posts:

Belchica · 19/08/2013 11:20

OP, I echo other comments to stand your ground and just say no thanks, today we are staying closer to home. Give her a taste of her own medicine. If she really wants to see you, she will make the effort. She will never change her behaviour as long as people pander to it.

How you address it long term really depends on what you get or want out of the friendship. I had a lovely nct group but didn't stay friends with them all as we didn't all have enough in common to sustain a friendship beyond having babies at the same time. One fell by the wayside as she was exactly like your friend. Lovely girl in most respects, but always canceled group meet ups and then arranged to meet up with everyone individually, totally over committing and putting herself under more pressure in the process, which just lead to more cancellations. She also preempted any conversation with a rundown of how difficult her baby had baby been. She would actually get annoyed if someone else had had a bad night with their baby - as if her and her LO had the monopoly on that... I couldn't wait to get back to work by the end if it all. And I will add, I did keep an eye out for her and had several chats about PND, but actually it was just her personalty to be a bit erratic, unreliable and dramatic.

theoriginalandbestrookie · 19/08/2013 11:27

Glad you got it sorted out . She also sounds like she might not be good with groups . Have to say i empathise with that as i prefer meeting people one to one and in our baby group there was one mum who whilst nice was very dominant and i eventually decided that i didnt particularly enjoy our nights out so stopped going .

amandine07 · 19/08/2013 12:08

I'd be inclined to say ditch her, she clearly doesn't value your friendship.

As you say you've got plenty of others to socialise with- and so it seems has she.

Sounds like you only have babies in common- taking the kids out of the equation, is she someone you would actually bother with otherwise?

NaiceHamIsNaice · 19/08/2013 12:18

People like this are awful. I cannot stand them. It's horrible behaviour, weak, unpleasant and empty.

If she is having a hard time, treating people as dispensable will not help her either in the short term or the long term.
Many women have problems adjusting to life with small babies, mild PND, serious PND even, and they don't all behave like they can drop people when someone better comes along, only to call them up to fill a gap when they fancy.
It's all very well feeling a bit sorry for her but why is it your responsibility to care about someone who doesn't care about you?

I would just ignore her texts from now on and not bother my arse with her again. Or just say: no, I am finding that arrangements we make don't pan out, so let's just leave it.

SellbyDate · 19/08/2013 12:39

I was kind of wondering why you are bothering OP. That is a horrible thing to think though. Sorry.

I guess there must be a sense of obligation if you join a group like this. This woman is a bit cheeky, she obviously doesn't feel embarrassed about messing you around and being caught out.

Oh dear, it's kind of sad when friendships continue like this through obligation. I'd drop her, or at least be a lot less available.. life is too short....

Binkybix · 19/08/2013 12:43

Am I missing something? Did you see her in town with someone else? Thought she was on her own?

maja00 · 19/08/2013 12:53

If someone had ditched me 4 times, then no way would I be giving them a 5th opportunity!

Once, fair enough - twice, unlucky - but after the 3rd dumping that would have been it for me.

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