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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think dh should have remembered my dad's anniversary

53 replies

nearlymumofone · 18/08/2013 22:37

dh asked me what I was up to tomorrow so I replied that I was going with my mum to the crematorium as it's my dad's 5th anniversary. He said that he forgot and was sorry (although I did actually remind him about a week ago) and then. .... nothing. He hasn't asked how I feel or anything. Is that normal? Maybe I'm just a bit emotional and expecting too much?

OP posts:

Sirzy · 18/08/2013 22:39

I wouldn't expect him to remember.

If you are feeling upset or emotional then why not just tell him that?

Hope tomorrow isn't too hard for you.

LegoAcupuncture · 18/08/2013 22:40

So sorry for your loss.

I do think you're expecting a bit too much for him to remember the anniversary. People deal with death in different ways, my DH does not want to be reminded of the day his dad died, it's usually me who notes it.

QOD · 18/08/2013 22:41

It's the first anniversary of my mils death today, and I haven't reminded my dh

I don't think he realises, if he does, he's acting normal. Some people hold dates close, some don't

Sorry you're sad though x

Rubydoo80 · 18/08/2013 22:41

You might be expecting too much after all he's only a man.
Does he realise that you are still affected by your dads passing? He probably thinks that all is ok, even though you reminded him last week, most blokes need every little details spelt out for them and often more than once.

Sorry about your dad, I hope tomorrow is a nice sunny day for you x

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly · 18/08/2013 22:44

Hes only a man? Odfod. Ffs, so was her dad, dont be so rude.

thebody · 18/08/2013 22:45

I remind my dh on his late parents birthdays but not the days that they died.

he finds it painful and mawkish and wants to remember their lives not deaths.

however this is your grief so he should support you. I expect he may not know what to say especially if he hadn't suffered a loss himself.

so sorry for your loss op.

AnneUulmelmahay · 18/08/2013 22:46

Horrible thing to say, 'he's only a man'. Awful.

Nearlymum, has he had a similar loss at all? My DH did not understand my grief wrt my dad til he lost his mam. I hope tomorrow is not too hard for you.

Original poster

nearlymumofone · 18/08/2013 22:47

Yes we tend to celebrate his birthday rather than his death and tend to be pretty upbeat.

Thanks for the advice.

OP posts:

Original poster

nearlymumofone · 18/08/2013 22:49

No he's never had a similar loss and he's not actually close to his parents either. I however loved my dad to bits.

OP posts:

AnneUulmelmahay · 18/08/2013 22:50

Much love. This club we belong to, we didn't want to join, eh. Can't leave either. Take care, coddle self a bit, yes? X

ProphetOfDoom · 18/08/2013 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sweetestcup · 18/08/2013 22:55

hes only a man how bloody patronising!....so sorry for your loss, some people don't understand, regardless of their gender.

morethanpotatoprints · 18/08/2013 22:58

I wouldn't expect him to remember but he probably would unless he was really busy with work.
My parents died within 8 months of each other 5+6 years ago now, it is still an emotional time for you, dh doesn't ask me but will always listen.
Talking about you Dad will be a part of healing and is good for you I think. It is for me, so don't feel bad about talking and maybe your dh will listen intently.
It is hard for them if they haven't experienced this and if they aren't close to their parents. My dh is the same sending you a cuddle at this emotional time.

binhome · 18/08/2013 23:03

I must admit i never remember dhs dad anniversary. He just doesn't make an issue of it and never goes to cementary. I always remember my parent's anniversary but dh wouldn't.
Sorry for your loss op.

yoniwherethesundontshine · 18/08/2013 23:03

same here after a few years I only vaguely remember the specific dates of close losses, I vaguely am aware of birthdays too. I would not expect my dh to remember.

I do however think of them the people nearly every single day.

Onesleeptillwembley · 18/08/2013 23:49

Sorry, you're expecting too much. Not his dad, and 5th anniversary. Will sound harsh but frankly 5 years on it's just not that big a deal to him. Why on earth do you expect it to be?

numbum · 19/08/2013 00:07

I think you're expecting too much too. Everyone else seems to forget after the first year. It hurts but it's just what happens. It's horrible seeing everyone else move on and enjoy their day when you're hurting so much but that's life I'm afraid. Unless you tell your DH then I think YABU expecting him to remember

Maggietess · 19/08/2013 08:29

Jesus onesleep that's just harsh! So after 5 years everyone should pretend he never existed?!

Honestly OP I'm with you, he's your DH and it was you DF that died... I don't think it's unreasonable that he remembers. If he forgot it's not the end of the world, but I'd hope on reminding him there were some extra hugs that day.

Everyone deals with loss so very differently, some commemorate every year (flowers on grave etc) and some take a moment out of a day to think of the person. Some don't like to deal with it that way and would prefer to move on and not dwell. It's very personal but your Dh should know you well enough to know how you would like to treat the day.

livinginwonderland · 19/08/2013 08:37

I wouldn't expect my DP to remember. He's actually quite good with dates but I wouldn't expect him to remember the anniversary of the death of someone in my family. If I mentioned it, though, he would be sympathetic and nice about it, and I think that's what matters at the end of the day.

Shrugged · 19/08/2013 08:46

The 'he's only a man' comment is monumentally stupid. It makes me wonder whether there are some women out there who are actually raising their sons to ignore anyone else's needs unless they are pointed out to them every ten minutes, and to have an emotional range limited to grunting at the football.

OP, I don't think it's necessarily reasonable to expect your DH to remember the date. I don't remember the anniversaries of the deaths of even close family members, and certainly not my husband's family's. my mother, on the other hand, is very much a date person, and will phone people on anniversaries of deaths or write.

I don't think you are unreasonable to think that once reminded, he should be sympathetic.

LouiseAderyn · 19/08/2013 08:47

I think some people just aren't very good at remembering dates and in not doing so, it doesn't mean that they don't care or don't think about the person who died.

I am terrible for dates - I remember close family birthdays, and the wedding anniversaries of me and dh and that of my mnum and dad, but that is literally it. Everything else I find difficult to retain (including date fil died). I mean no harm by it and still think about fil.

If you need extra support from your dh, then tell him - I do think it is hard for people to truly understand how you are feeling until it happens to them.

Jan49 · 19/08/2013 08:51

Sorry, OP, I wouldn't expect him to remember. I think if you want to talk to him about how you're feeling, you need to tell him that.

I remember all the birthdays and death dates of my family, but I don't expect anyone else to. For years I put flowers by their photos on those dates but I've stopped recently. My parents have been dead for over 30 years. I think about one or other of my family every day and have many things that remind me of them - memories, furniture in our house, lots of things - and I do think about them a little on the special dates too, but really the anniversary dates are just dates. But for a very long time the anniversary of my mum's death was incredibly hard for me and I wished I could remove that date from existence so there was no such date anymore. I hated being at work and having to write the date down on things.

NoComet · 19/08/2013 08:55

I don't remember the exact date either of DH's parents died on, I doubt he does either.

That doesn't mean they are forgotten, 12 years on I still think of and miss my wonderful eccentric DMIL.

SirChenjin · 19/08/2013 08:56

Do you know, I don't have a clue when FIL died - isn't that awful . I must ask DH tonight, but it doesn't mean that I don't miss him terribly and think about him a lot. OP, I'm sure your DH doesn't mean any harm by it - life has a horrible way of going on, despite the heartache that we might be feeling.

valiumredhead · 19/08/2013 09:01

I remember birthdays not the day the person has died so it wouldn't occur to me either.

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