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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think dh should have remembered my dad's anniversary

53 replies

nearlymumofone · 18/08/2013 22:37

dh asked me what I was up to tomorrow so I replied that I was going with my mum to the crematorium as it's my dad's 5th anniversary. He said that he forgot and was sorry (although I did actually remind him about a week ago) and then. .... nothing. He hasn't asked how I feel or anything. Is that normal? Maybe I'm just a bit emotional and expecting too much?

OP posts:

Nat38 · 19/08/2013 09:03

I tend to remember the happier dates, like birthdays.
I like to have a happier life, its far too sad that people close to me have died so to remember the date that they died would just drag me down into the depression that I struggle with!
I do think about the people that have passed regularly & often dream of them!!
Some times its just how people cope!

Acinonyx · 19/08/2013 09:03

It's never ocurred to me that dh should remember when my parents died even though I nursed both of them and he was with me when my mother died. Tbh I don't want to mark the day myself. I'm not sure of the date my father died and I prefer it that way.

PassTheTwiglets · 19/08/2013 09:05

I wouldn't expect him to remember had I not mentioned anything but I would expect him to remember after I'd told him a week ago :( I don't think it's at all unreasonable to expect your DH to show he is thinking about you once he's been reminded that the anniversary is coming up. Sorry, OP :(

JugglingFromHereToThere · 19/08/2013 09:10

Maybe need to let go of expecting him to remember the date, but would be nice if he asked how you were after telling him you were going to the crematorium with your Mum - that was a nice thing to do to support each other (you and DM)

ExcuseTypos · 19/08/2013 09:15

I've lost my Dad too. I don't expect my Dh to remember the date of his death, but I do tell him on the day as I usually feel rather down. He is then aware of it.

If I were you I'd tell your DH that you're finding the day difficult.

Yonihadtoask · 19/08/2013 09:15

I wouldn't expect my DH to remember the date of any of my relatives' deaths.

I haven't lost a parent , but have lost both maternal grandparents. I was in my late teens/early twenties when they died , and have no idea of the dates of their deaths. My DM does thoug, which mkes sense as she is the closest relative to them.

Hope you are okay today.

Gubbins · 19/08/2013 09:18

My mum only died lat year but, to be honest, if it wasn't for the fact that she died on my daughter's birthday, I wouldn't be able to remember the date even now. And I would be lucky to even get the month right for my m-i-l who died about 5 years ago.

Some people do dates, some don't; and I could easily be reminded of a birthday or other anniversary and still miss it a week later. Doesn't mean I don't care.

BeckAndCall · 19/08/2013 09:21

I remember all of the relevant dates in our family - my DH remembers very few. He only occasionally remembers the date when he lost his own dad and has never remembered the date of my dads passing - but I always tell him, and he always says a quick something appropriate and that's the end of it. ( but we have a lot more years behind us than you, OP, so it's not so raw)

Generally I phone my mum that day too, and often exchange a text with my brothers but I wouldn't expect my DH to either remember it or act in any particular way. Personally, I always find the date of the last time I saw my dad more poignant but only I know that one, I'm sure.

BrokenSunglasses · 19/08/2013 09:22

I wouldn't expect my DH to remember any of my late Dads dates, and while I remember the dates for his Dad, I don't bring it up unless he does.

Don't hold it against your DH. As long as he is supportive when you tell him you're feeling a bit down and your missing your dad, and he will let you chat about your Dad when you want to, then he's not doing too bad.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 19/08/2013 09:46

I don't expect my DH to know when my Dad died. Ok it was 29 years ago and the anniversary was last week. Me, my Mum and brother all know the day, it doesn't really get mentioned. Not because we don't think about it, we all do in our own way. But it's painful for my mum. I don't ever mention it to DH, and I certainly don't expect him to remember the date. I don't think your DH means any harm.

catsmother · 19/08/2013 09:53

Nearly - know how you feel. I don't expect people to remember exact dates, nor do I expect a "big" remembrance occasion, but it would be nice - and thoughtful - if your nearest and dearest occasionally remembered to ask how you are and/or asked you to remind them when exactly it was at around the right time.

Maybe I'm particularly sensitive to this because my dad died on August bank holiday - and despite telling DP this when we first met there has yet to be a single year (of many) in which he's actually commented on the occasion or asked if I'm okay. This year, the actual date of my dad's death co-incides with the actual bank holiday itself - obviously that's not always the case .... but despite knowing that the date is always going to be close to whenever Aug bank holiday is in a particular year, all I ever hear is how much DP is looking forward to the day off ... Aug bank holiday has no other relevance for him, though I remind him every year. It's kind of like, thanks a lot, I'm obviously that important to you that you can't make an effort to remember a date significant to someone I still miss dreadfully. It really pisses me off TBH - I miss my dad every day, and not just on that date, so it's not as if I'm particularly distraught on the day or want to ban all enjoyment of it but I just think it's about showing a little bit of thought, and if I knew someone who'd had someone very close to them die on a memorable date I think (personally) I'd be prompted to say something. Even non-memorable dates, I can usually at least remember the month.

I hope you're okay today.

Pagwatch · 19/08/2013 09:59

I think this is just one of those things where different people react differently to significant dates.
I miss my dad everyday but I can't remember the date he died on.
My sister died a few months ago. I could describe the room in her hospice, what her hand felt like in mine, what my mum was wearing but I can't tell you the date.

Just tll him that you are sad and need him to be supportive. Don't resent him for not understanding your unspoken emotions.

I hope the day is not too difficult for you.

plummyjam · 19/08/2013 10:31

Some people just don't do anniversaries. My dad died 11 years ago this month. I adored him and think about him every single day, but I can't always remember the exact date he died. I don't do anything special on that date because it's with me all the time IYSWIM.

I'm the same with our wedding anniversary (although I can remember the date of that one!) - we don't tend to do anything special - it always seems a bit strange to celebrate one day when you're married every day .

BalloonSlayer · 19/08/2013 10:45

It was my Dad's 5th anniversary earlier this year and I mentioned it, just as "I can't believe it's 5 years since my Dad died." My DH was mortified that he hadn't remembered. The thing is, I don't normally set a store by anniversaries of death and I only remember the date of Dad's because it is the day after another significant family date. If it had had no connection I am not sure I would remember it at all. So I ended up feeling bad that I had inadvertently reminded DH because I was not upset at all about him forgetting.

I remember my Dad on his birthday and on Father's Day more.

DH always remembers his Mums and Dad's anniversaries - and so do I as I know it is important to him - but then again they are also "easy" to remember dates.

I just think different people feel differently about this sort of thing and it doesn't mean that they don't care if they don't react in the same way as you.

Floggingmolly · 19/08/2013 10:51

No he wasn't bu. You should have mentioned it.

Nanny0gg · 19/08/2013 12:29

Dates are important to some and not others.
I've lost both parents, grandparents and MiL.
One of the dates is hugely significant so I do remember then (DH doesn't - he wasn't around at the time) Others, not so much.

And I've never visited the crematoriums concerned. Doesn't mean I didn't love them and don't think of them (especially when I had my DCs) but I don't do 'remembrance' as such.

If it matters to you, then tell him.

fluffyraggies · 19/08/2013 12:42

I've never visited the crematoriums concerned. Doesn't mean I didn't love them and don't think of them (especially when I had my DCs) but I don't do 'remembrance' as such.

This is me too. My father passed away 5 years ago this year. The first 3 anniversaries i went to his stone (ashed buried) but last year and this year i felt it was too much, overly forced and sad. I loved my father dearly, and i talk about him to my DH allot. DH never met him, missed him by weeks, but says that he sounds a lovely man who he would have got along with, and wishes he could have known him. This is my way of mourning - to remember him as he was - not the day he died.

I say to DH 'oh, it's dad's anniversary next Wed', or whatever, and he will offer to come with me to the stone, or ask what i would like to do. I wouldn't expect him to remember the date himself though. He hasn't lost a parent, so i don't know if he would be the same with his parents dates.

TheBleedinObvious · 19/08/2013 13:03

No I'm sorry op, but I think that is too much to expect. Yabu

Stokes · 19/08/2013 20:47

I'm going to go against the grain - yeah, some people are bad with dates but you told him last week and even if he still couldn't remember the exact day, he should know it's this week and you may be feeling fragile. My best friend died nearly 5 years ago and ok, her anniversary is easy to remember, but DH knows I'm in bad form that week, gives me lots of hugs, etc. Just as it should be.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 19/08/2013 21:08

I'm another who doesnt mark dates. I couldnt tell you the date of my DF's death even though I was with him to the end. I deliberately didnt mark it.

My DM is someone who does mark dates. I can remember her being insistent on having her & DF's wedding anniversary marked. I remember a friend of mine remarking that my DM and hers belong to the Hallmark generation. Every conceivable event/anniversary marked with a card!

It is difficult if you arent a 'dates' person and the other person is. I always feel a bit confused when people comment that this is an anniversary of a sad event. What do they want?

JugglingFromHereToThere · 20/08/2013 09:13

"what do they want ?"

I understand your confusion Worry, but through posters sharing their experiences here on MN I think just letting them share memories of the person they've lost would be good ?

Jan49 · 20/08/2013 10:15

Worry, I think for many people it's a day when you particularly think of the person/event and might want to do something to remember someone, like putting flowers on a grave. Most of us know our own birth dates and celebrate them and you could say "what's the point?" but I think remembering sad events is kind of similar. Some dates feel like they're burned on my brain and when that date reoccurs I just want to get through the day and be extra kind to myself because it's a day when I can't help being extra aware of the loss.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 20/08/2013 14:12

I suppose I feel that commemorating events is private. DH and I celebrate our wedding anniversary but it is something between ourselves we dont share it with other people. If I were to say to DH that it was the anniversary of DF's death he would wait for me to say what I wanted to do. He wouldnt volunteer anything.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 20/08/2013 14:13

Sorry pressed 'post' too soon.

Perhaps OP's DH was waiting for the OP to say what she wanted.

Bowlersarm · 20/08/2013 14:16

Sorry but YABU.

I would never expect my DH to remember the day my DM died.

I don't remember the date my mil died. It doesn't mean I didn't love her, I did, I was very fond of her.

Some people are good with remembering dates, and some just aren't.

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