To wonder why I bother with my ungrateful, lazy and selfish kids?

[MDemarco]

Throughout this summer holidays I've had to work. Long hours etc. I've tried to make it up to my 12 and 14 year old leaving them money for cinema/bowling etc and treating them to the odd takeaway on a night.

I've felt guilty not spending any time with them so I thought this weekend I'd take them to an indoor extreme sports place (xscape for those that know it), let them do all the activities, treat them to a chinese buffet dinner, really have a good day. I was looking forward to it.

Well, this morning my eldest can't be arsed to get up so is refusing to come. Not only that but he was expecting me to leave him the money I would have spent on him so he could go and spend it with his mates/on sweets. No chance.

So I thought fine, just me and ds2 then. I go and wake him up, he can't be arsed to get up either. I remind him about xscape, he drags himself out of bed and slugs into the bathroom. It's gettiing on for 10pm. I tell him to hurry as time is getting on and we won't get parked. He shouts "I AM HURRYING!"

10am I shout again - he screeches at the top of his voice "STOP GOING ON YOU'RE SO ANNOYING".

FFS all I wanted to do was take them out for the day and treat them. I'm really fed up. I feel like I just get treated like shit by everyone around me lately. DP has fucked off to a festival and is constantly sending me pictures of what a great time he's having - last night was a gem - "oh I'm sat in a tent with your favourite director! having such a great time! hows things at home?"

Oh I'm alright, just getting on with the ironing and shit and usual.

Why the fuck do I bother.

Oh and my question is - do I still take DS2 to xscape? I don't want to but the thought of spending yet another day in watching tv and doing housework depresses me to tears. I honestly feel like getting on a plane and fucking off by myself.

From what I've read it sounds like you work long hours, but have expensive extravagances. Could you work less hours and have less treats? The reason I'm saying this is maybe your boys don't want/need the treats and money, but maybe some time with them might help.

OP Go to Rome. GO! It'll change your life. Trust me on this one. Sorry you're feeling so crap about stuff - but it really is up to you to start changing things from the bottom up. Sounds to me like the DP is the first thing that needs forensic examination! Good luck

I was thinking that it sounds as ifthey follow your partner's example on how to treat you.

He's got it made, hasn't he?

Does what he wants when he wants.
Doesn't do what you want if he doesn't want to.
Maybe has his meals cooked/washing/ironing done?

Would the boys' father be able to take them for a week whilst you remember that you are a person too? Entitled to equal and respectful treatment?

Ask around and go to Rome with a friend or acquaintance, there will be someone you know who feels like getting away for their own reasons. My mum just went away with a neighbour she didn't know very well, they got chatting one day about wanting to visit Paris, and went, they had a nice time! My dad won't travel and the neighbour's DH died last year.

Why did you not go to the festival with your DP?

they feel entitled because you just give them nice things which is so annoying we want them to be happy yet they act like brats but teenagers do that I think they treat you like rubbish tbh dont put up with it dont feel guilty for working and stop leaving them money for food and days out let themr ealise that money and stuff does not come out of nowhere, look after yourself a bit better dont give all your energy to teenagers they will suck you dry,

we did similar to silver apples things were not always available by the end f the month because A we didnt want to keep giving them stuff and B we just could not afford it, I do think children need to learn money is not endless, saying that my own children can act like selfish brats sometimes It is part and parcel of being a teenager doesn' t mean we need to put up with it

I think OP that the only person that you have control over is yourself and so you need to make changes and do some of the things that you want to do.
Write a list and then set about doing them. Have some that get you out and about and meeting people and then you can phone a friend if you want a companion.
When DP gets back say that you are glad he had a nice time and it is your turn next to have a weekend away, while he takes care of things at home.
Organise the DCs into doing their fair share of the housework- if they don't do it then withhold the money.

I think all this talk of going to Rome is silly to be honest. yes in films it looks great but really you will be just as miserable as you have to come home and still face reality.

firstly I would reassess the relationship with your partner. if he doesn't 'do' families why is he living in one with fairly young teens. only you can say if he's worth it op and potentially giving your lads a poor role model.

secondly when my lads were this age ( girls are now) its the bloody worst. 12/13/14...eeww its the equivalent of the terrible 2sss.

you have to set clear rules however on respect both ways and general niceness of behaviour. how ever they or you feel there is no excuse to treat each other 'like shit'

you do however have to understand that early teens is such a difficult age and they are quite rightly prioritising their social lives and mates over you.

I found it best to prepare for any trips days in advance, ie told my dd14 she's going to get her uniform bits on wed so she can factor this into her busy schedule😡

do you need to work ft to pay mortgage/ bills? if its for the treats etc then maybe cut your hours. kids don't need big American holidays really do they?

I think your partner sounds a fuck wit and he's really your main problem here. your boys sound normal really.

'I think all this talk of going to Rome is silly to be honest'

It is a bit, possibly. But it could also be the chance to break free from the straitjacket the OP is in, a few days where she can just be herself and have time to think without the pressure.
What is unsustainable is the way she's being treated by her boyfriend and her children.
Yes, teens can be a PITA, but what she is describing is unacceptable behaviour especially over a long period of time. Mine have yelled on occasion, or have been hard to get out of bed, but they have always seen the unreasonable and unfairness of their behaviour and apologised.
The OP needs to sort out her boyfriend and her grumpy bratlets. A few days away might make her feel she has both the right and the strength to do so.

think going away might jolt the family the boyfriend sounds like he has all the benefits of a family with little responsibility he is off here there and everywhere and the OP is worrying about her relationship if she goes away for a few days it worrying, op it is ok to stand up to your boyfriend and your sons don't feel guilty and stop throwing money at them,

I think you need to sit them down and have a bloody serious talk with them tonight, MDemarco. Their attitudes stink, and I would be spelling out to them how hard you have been working, how generous you have been, and how rude they have been.

Moaning that they never get to go anywhere, and 'our friends are on holidays' whilst they were on a road trip in America is utterly unacceptable, and mine would have got a massive flea in their ears if they had tried anything like that.

Spell it out in simple terms - "You are both sounding and acting like rude, entitled brats, and I am no longer prepared to enable that behaviour. There will be no more extra cash whilst I am at work, unless you have earned it by doing chores (lawn mowing, hoovering, cleaning, ironing), and no more treats like xscape unless I see a massive improvement in attitude, manners and behaviours from both of you. NO, I do NOT want to hear your opinions about this - it is NOT a discussion. Now go away and think about what I have said."

not sure I agree. 12 and 14 is still quite young.

op doesn't say I don't think how long this new partner had been in the house and he's obviously not close to them is he?

if mum fucked off to Rome for a few days( totally out if character) this might scare them far more than they deserve.

when all said and done here this is the adults problem to sort out and running away doesn't help.

would be fantastic later when she's sorted out her home life though.

if lads were 16 and 17 I would agree with harsh measures but these are children.

'not sure I agree. 12 and 14 is still quite young'

It's going to be a hell of a lot harder to change their attitude and behaviour if she waits 5 years. better to try a team effort approach now.

Harsh measures?
Being told to pull your weight and not take extras and people for granted?

oh no I totally agree she needs to set boundaries and said that in posts. it was just the going to Rome idea I thought was daft advice as sounds great in films but in real life it isn't.

that was the harsh measure I stated NOT setting boundaries.

I still think the ops main problem is her partner though.

Keep your money, go shopping and meet up with a mate. Sod them all.

Did she mention how long he's been her partner?
I think the main issue is that she has written her part as being the provider, the one who adapts and meets the needs of her children and who doesn't complain and who isn't entitled to a life or an existence of her own outside those boundaries. And I wonder why.
Her children sound perfectly normal and average and self-centred to me, and they need to be taught that it's not OK.

I don't think it is harsh to get them pulling their weight! I think you should get DCs helping as soon as they are able. Half the problem that people have with MILs is that they acted as personal servant and did it all.
They sound normal to me- they have just been allowed to get away with it. I would sit them down tonight and tell them there are going to be changes from tomorrow.

Mine are 15 and 18 now and are getting nicer. With two parents at 12-14 mine were:

Hormonal
Growing
Insecure
Finding their way and their true mates
Pressurised
Experimenting with the boundaries they cold get away with at home (yours sound like they are seeing if year love is unconditional)

In addition to all of that yours have a mum in an unhapppy relationship; not sure where their dad fits. I think they need a bit of a break tbh and you need to sort out year priorities.

TEens in my liited experience are very hard. Good luck x

Did you hang around and wait for them to get older married, or did you give them some expectations linked to consequences despite their tender years?

Last year we didn't have a going away holiday as ds1 said we didn't need to have a holiday every year and previous year's was a nightmare with him being grumpy teen and bringing every one else down.
This year we went on a cruise which ds1 agreed to as long as I didn't make him do anything touristy. Ds2 aged 11 was keen on touristy things but was actually happy with swimming and eating icecream. It was one of our better recent holidays as it meant I could leave them on board while I did the touristy things, but know they were happy doing as much or as little as they liked. It took the stress out of things.
The rest of the holiday they've done pretty much no activities. Ds2 is fairly social and had friends round a couple of times, but otherwise they amuse themselves.
I have moments of regret re the childhood they could be having (we live near a beach but haven't been for yearrs - they used to climb trees and were out of the house more than they were in) but for my sanity more than anything I go with the flow and hope they'll rekindle their love of the outdoors and activities when they're older.

No time like the present to change things. They should not be allowed to get away with yelling and shouting at you. This needs you and their DF to spell it out, it is NOT acceptable!

Also the more you give them the less they appreciate it. A few specific activities but giving them a US holiday plus the other extras is overkill!

Its difficult to advise you in isolation but this needs to be a concerted effort along the theme of discipline, respect etc. and it shouldn't be left to you alone!

Don't become a martyr to the cause, life is too short.

YABU

Haven't read rest of thread cos I'm about to dash out but just want to say

It sounds like you spoil them and then expect them not to act like spoilt brats.

You are working. It happens with many parents.

Stop spoiling them cos you feel guilty. You are making this situ worse.