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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think handing back a gift is rude

102 replies

twistedtoffee · 17/08/2013 15:58

I went to a friend's house for lunch yesterday and brought a lemon drizzle cake. When I was leaving she handed it back to me saying 'you might as well bring it home. Cake never really gets eaten in this house'.

I was a bit taken aback. AIBU to think it was a bit ungrateful and bad mannered to not simply say nothing and give the cake to a neighbour or family member if she didn't want it?

OP posts:
llittleyello · 17/08/2013 23:34

Enormous burden lol

llittleyello · 17/08/2013 23:42

It's a sin

When I look back upon my cake
It's always with a sense of shame
I've always been the one to blame
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too

It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a sin
It's a sin
Every cakeI've ever made
Every cake I ever gi'vn
Etc

FlouncyMcFlouncer · 18/08/2013 07:35

Agree that generally, giving a gift back is rude.

My parents talked for a long time about getting a steamer for cooking veg. One Christmas I bought them one. Within a week they had brought it back to me saying 'We don't think we'll use this after all'. I was a bit put out, since they're quite difficult to buy for and I had been paying attention to their conversation and had picked up that this was a planned purchase for them.

Another year, I bought my mother a foot spa as she spent a lot of time with her feet in the washing up bowl. Again, within a couple of weeks it was back with me as she 'didnt need it'.

I've learned my lesson from this and they get vouchers for Christmas now.

But the crowning glory was the day she gave me back all the kids photos. You know, you get the school pictures and you give one to each set of grandparents? She handed me back a pile of them, still framed, with the words 'I don't need these, I know what they look like'. [shocked]

Two years later when we had professional pictures done she was might narked not to be given a copy. Hmm

All that said, however, I'd rather take my cake home and scoff it myself and not share at all oh no than think of it going stale and wasted in someone else's house...

shewhowines · 18/08/2013 10:25

I must walk round with my head in the sand, unintentionally upsetting people. People are so sensitive about ridiculous things.

This is such a non issue for me. I would try to open things people bring, as do my friends. Sometimes we forget or they are not needed. Sometimes we/they take them home, sometimes we/ they don't. It's just not an issue.

Boosiehs · 18/08/2013 10:34

Cake?????? Not eaten?????

Although now I have to go and buy cake. Mmmmmmmm. Cake.

iwasyoungonce · 18/08/2013 10:41

I had the opposite experience of somebody accepting a gift that I didn't intend to give! Myself and a group of friends went to visit a friends's new flat. We were meeting there for drinks before all going out. We all took a bottle, as you do. I took a bottle of Champagne I'd got on special offer, as its my favourite tipple.

As my friend opened the door, he said "oh wow, thanks," took the bottle off me and out it in his kitchen cupboard, never to be seen again!

LtEveDallas · 18/08/2013 10:52

Bloody hell, a household that doesn't eat cake? I thought that was a myth! I think she was rude, and I'd be pissed off. I'd rather she fed it to the birds that gave it me back (Although, all the more for you OP...)

edam · 18/08/2013 11:10

It is rude and anyone saying it isn't is very rude themselves.

MrsDeVere · 18/08/2013 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hackmum · 18/08/2013 11:17

YANBU, it is rude. I think the etiquette in these cases is (or ought to be) to offer the cake to guests after the meal has been eaten. It's probably trickier if she'd already prepared a pudding.

I think I agree with Mrs DeVere that she probably didn't mean it in a nasty way, and she didn't want it to go to waste. It could be worse. The thread that nearly made my eyes pop out was one a little while back where the OP's friend had sold her baby's christening gifts on eBay!

Pinupgirl · 18/08/2013 11:18

Yanbu-it was rude. Very rude. I would always smile and say thank you for any gift-no matter how shit.

ToysRLuv · 18/08/2013 11:48

YANBU. Very rude. I can't believe the people who think this is ok!

BlehPukeVomit · 18/08/2013 12:13

I think it may be OK to give it back but I would only do this with a good friend and a grovelling apology. Grin

It was so thoughtful and lovely of you to bring the cake but I was wandering if you would like to take it with you? I hope you don't mind but it would be such a waste of a lovely cake for us to keep it as noone in our house eats cake and I would hate for it to go to waste followed by more grovelling.

I wouldn't do it with someone I wasn't close friends with though

arabesque · 18/08/2013 16:55

I don't really see why the cake had to be either handed back or thrown in the bin. I was given chocolates last weekend by some guests. I'm trying to lose weight so I thanked them and then brought them to another friend's house last night (with a bottle of wine. I'm not a tight cow, honestly). I wouldn't have dreamed of saying 'oh I can't eat those. You might as well bring them home'.

usualsuspect · 18/08/2013 16:58

Yabu, it's not rude.

Me and my friends often do this.

usualsuspect · 18/08/2013 17:01

But then I seem to be in the minority on MN in regards to not having a 'formal'relationship with my mates.

Diamond7 · 18/08/2013 17:24

Hmmmm.

I've offered things back before if we didn't get chance to eat/drink it out of politeness. I hope it didn't come across as rude. I don't think so. It's normally something I'd want but we just didn't get around to eat/drink. The person who brings said item generally refuses and says to enjoy it....... I say thank you I will...

I don't think she meant to be rude. Just didn't want your gift going to waste?

edam · 18/08/2013 17:34

Fair enough to people who would be polite about it, but the OP's friend wasn't. 'You might as well have it back. Cake never really gets eaten in this house' isn't apologetic or grateful.

CogDat · 18/08/2013 18:01

Well I am with shewhowhines and usualsuspects, this would be a non issue for me.

usualsuspect · 18/08/2013 18:04

I would have taken the cake to be eaten with lunch,TBH.

Not as a gift.

KnottedAnchorChief · 18/08/2013 18:11

Yanbu, that was a bit ungrateful of them. However not as rude as some house guests we had. They brought a gift of wine with them and then, when we didn't open their bottle (drinks many other bottles of ours) they did a search and collected it from our kitchen on the way out!

Cheeky feckers

madmomma · 18/08/2013 18:11

It's insensitive, rather than rude

KnottedAnchorChief · 18/08/2013 18:12

Drank many other bottles, that is

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 18/08/2013 18:13

"....DSis popped in on her birthday to pick up her cards and presents and a chat.
I had bought a supermarket birthday cake for us to cut and eat. Small gift size one.
I put the cake on the table and said happy birthday then went to fetch the tea.
When I came back she was putting the cake in her bag saying she would share it with her friends later."

What did you say to the cheeky wee bizzum her, missnevermind?

SaltySeaBird · 18/08/2013 18:14

The same thing happened to me. It wasn't cake though it was a contribution to a cold buffet lunch (I took some very nice olives as I knew my friend loved olives). At the end she said "oh forgot to put these out you better take them home". I had made a special trip to pick up olives from a deli I knew she loved so was a bit Hmm as they weren't my favourite things.

Definitely think it's rude.

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