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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think handing back a gift is rude

102 replies

twistedtoffee · 17/08/2013 15:58

I went to a friend's house for lunch yesterday and brought a lemon drizzle cake. When I was leaving she handed it back to me saying 'you might as well bring it home. Cake never really gets eaten in this house'.

I was a bit taken aback. AIBU to think it was a bit ungrateful and bad mannered to not simply say nothing and give the cake to a neighbour or family member if she didn't want it?

OP posts:
NutcrackerFairy · 17/08/2013 18:19

Madamecastafiore Shock

What on earth did the cheeky cow say to you?

How awful!

candycoatedwaterdrops · 17/08/2013 18:22

Wow, some people are rude. Of course YANBU.

doorbellringer · 17/08/2013 18:27

Where you at marmaladetwatkins house for tea?

cranverry · 17/08/2013 18:27

I've had this happen to me. Was invited over to a friends house for a small party. I made some fudge and some coconut ice and host accepted it. Rather than let other guests decide if they wanted some she then put it away out of sight and gave me it back when I was leaving saying they didn't need it.
YANBU to be upset as I felt a bit crap too. But I suppose I'd rather that than she'd chucked it in the bin.

diddl · 17/08/2013 18:28

Maybe she thought that you were rude supplying food for the lunch that she had planned?

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly · 17/08/2013 18:35

Yabu. Any other type of food youd be right, but cake? Why on earth would you be happier to see it in a bin that eat it yourself? Thsts just weird.

NaiceHamIsNaice · 17/08/2013 18:37

I think that's very rude.
It's also incredibly smug (Ooh look, we are the sort of people who don't need sugar...).

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 17/08/2013 18:38

Yanbu - v rude. If she'd made dessert, she should've offered both of them.

Madamecastafiore · 17/08/2013 18:39

She said they were not from the company that her husband buys simulated diamonds from and so would not wear them.

I said I wouldn't know as my husband does not buy me anything but the real thing.

(Were you the Nutty of Dadslib snogging?)

Arnie123 · 17/08/2013 19:10

Perhaps she is on a diet and is unable to control herself around cake. I know the feeling :D

diddl · 17/08/2013 19:13

Perhaps she didn't see it as a gift though-a contribution that wasn't needed?

MummyPig24 · 17/08/2013 19:19

It wasn't very polite, if she didn't thank you as well. But I would be secretly happy that I could go home and eat it myself!

Fakebook · 17/08/2013 19:34

Rude rude rude. She was supposed to serve it up at some point and then offered to pack you some when you went home.

BeaLola · 17/08/2013 19:39

OP please come to my house for coffee, lunch or tea with Lemon Drizzle cake - I love it and it would not go to waste here. - what a lovely friend you were and what a rude lady she was.n

valiumredhead · 17/08/2013 19:45

Rude and thoughtless and of she didn't serve it when you were there!

Come to my house,I'll eat itGrin

meganorks · 17/08/2013 19:56

To be honest I would be delighted to be handed back a cake I love! In fact any food I would gladly have back rather than it going to waste.

AllDirections · 17/08/2013 20:04

Perhaps she didn't see it as a gift though-a contribution that wasn't needed?

This

I wouldn't be at all offended if that happened to me OP unless the friend was a snotty cow

I would just think that they didn't want it to go to waste. Pretty sensible IMO

quesadilla · 17/08/2013 21:01

Borderline...
I think giving presents back is very rude in general but food is slightly different as its perishable and if you know its not going to get consumed giving it back may be the most practical and charitable thing.

I wouldn't do it, personally. But if someone did it to me I'd see their point of view and take it on the chin. Which I wouldn't if it was a non-perishable gift (clothing/book).

Yonionekanobe · 17/08/2013 21:17

I think that it is rude of her.

And what is it with lemon drizzle cake bringing out such behaviour in people!?

Liara · 17/08/2013 21:24

I wouldn't really consider food brought to be a present, I consider it something brought to share.

And I would normally expect whatever was not consumed to be taken back by whoever brought it, all the more so if we would be unlikely to eat it. I hate to see food go to waste, and I would consider it more insulting to feed it to the hens than to give it back, tbh.

Unless you brought it all wrapped up in a present type way and made a big fuss of saying that was for her, in which case I would think it was still a bit odd.

CeliaLytton · 17/08/2013 21:39

I would do this with close friends to avoid uncomfortable situations in the future. My gps once took me to an art gallery, a trip I pretended to really enjoy as I wantd to please them. I ended up at a diffent art gallery every Saturday for 2 months until I gently broke it to them that art wasn't really my thing and I would rather be hanging around shopping centres smoking and snogging boys (without that level of detail!)

Still find it hard to be rude but sometimes it can save a friendship in the long run...

She should have served it at lunch and sent you home with a generous slice, gift gratefully accepted, enjoyed by you, everybody happy!

Pagwatch · 17/08/2013 21:45

I wouldn't be offended because it's not a big deal. But I would think she was rude and a bit stupid and would not worry about taking gifts if I visited again.

Famzilla · 17/08/2013 21:54

I would do this with my close friends and family tbh.

DP and I have been eating clean since before I care to remember, and unfortunately a cake isn't considered clean.

Having it in the house would be too tempting and would stress me out. I wouldn't eat it but I would get annoyed with its presence and the fat girl inside me wouldn't let me put it in the bin either!

That may sound ridiculous, but I put on 5 stone in pregnancy so needs must. Maybe her and her family were in a similar health kick?

ChippingInHopHopHop · 17/08/2013 22:05

I wouldn't be offended if it was a perishable item - not at all. It is sensible to say 'It was such a lovely thoughtful thing to do and it looks lovely, but sadly it wont get eaten here (insert reason if possible) and I'd hate it to go to waste as it looks lovely, would you like to take it home with you?'

I really don't understand how that is offensive and if I had bought it, I'd rather someone did that, than have it go to waste.

It does seem very rude if it's non perishible though (ie book, soap etc).

RiceBurner · 17/08/2013 22:49

YABU.

I am firmly with her (not you) on this one. And I speak as someone who bought & transported some expensive Swiss cheeses for two lots of ppl we knew (living in the Middle East) and was given BOTH lots back within a day or 2 when they had decided (after consultation) that they probably shouldnt eat it ... as maybe it was not halal? (Nb I had just thought "halal" applied to meat products.)

I was initially a bit taken aback/surprised that the gifts had been solemnly returned with great apologies. But later on I was impressed by their honesty/good intentions.

They knew I loved this cheese and had taken trouble to buy/carry it from Switz for them. They couldnt/wouldn't eat it, but they appreciated the thought, so they returned it to me as they knew I would enjoy it. (And also, like this, I knew not to bring the same/wrong thing next time?)

Now you know not to bring cake to that house again ... as she said it won't get eaten. But you didnt know & you showed yourself to be generous, (in bringing a gift), so that's fine all round that you got it back?

Would you really have prefered that she had put the cake directly into the bin? Or had to spend time trying to re-home a cake b4 it goes off, which is an enormous burden to her, so really not a welcome gift at all?

And finally, haven't you heard about trying to reduce food waste? Apparently we all (on average) throw away about 25% of what we buy? (Not me though.) So be happy the cake will get eaten now.

Throwing away good food is a sin. So eat the cake please and just don't buy cake as a gift again? (Nb Some ppl are diabetic/gluten intolerant or just trying not to eat sugar/empty calories.)

She wasnt being rude IMO. She just wanted someone to enjoy the cake.