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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder if this is abusive....(warning sensitive/sexual content, poss triggering)

53 replies

JaffaMyCake · 17/08/2013 12:48

My sister had spoken to me about something that happened with her DP on weds night and I don't think she or I really know what to make of it, so was wondering if you MNetters could help.

Basically dsis and her dp had a brief drunk argument which resulted in (apparently angry) make up sex.

if easily offended please stop reading here

Now apparently, dsis was being ahem rather noisy, not wake the neighbours noisy, but louder than usual, and according to her, dp usually prefers her to be quiet. [clutching my pearls writing this next bit] now as he was shagging her from behind and obviously heard her being noisy, he pulled out, gave her three hard slaps on the bum and told her to "be quiet". Apparently they have never discussed hitting before in a sexual way. Dsis doesn't know whether or not to be pissed off that he basically hit her out of anger, or wonder if maybe he thought he was turning her on?

If this had happened outside the bedroom I would have said its abusive, does the fact it happened during sex change this?

OP posts:
mynameisslimshady · 17/08/2013 12:55

If he was doing it to turn her on he should have asked first. There is also a difference between some sexy spanking during sex and pulling out and smacking someone and telling them to be quiet.

Personally I would say he was really out of order, and although I am slightly hesitant to say abusive, I do think that's the best way to describe what he did. He hit her without gaining her consent or knowing if she liked it.

YoniBottsBumgina · 17/08/2013 12:57

No of course it doesn't change it! That's horrible :( if it's never been discussed as a "thing" then absolutely no way was he doing it to turn her on. Plus the way he did it. Sounds like someone disciplining a child, about 30 years ago. (without the sex part obviously!)

Also WTF is "angry make up sex" - surely if they're still angry, they haven't made up? Confused

Sounds pretty dysfunctional to me, anyway. (And "prefers her to be quiet" is also ringing alarm bells esp if as you're not talking annoying-the-neighbours noisy)

FannyFifer · 17/08/2013 12:58

He wants her to be quiet while having sex, he sounds like a prick.

If my DP had did that, which he wouldn't have, wtf, I certainly wouldn't have continued having sex with him.

YouJustMetTheAlphaParent · 17/08/2013 12:59

She should ask him. They should talk about it. No one can determine whether he thought he was turning her on unless she ASKS him.

Then they'll know the rules for their angry make up sex in future. Grin

SamHamwidge · 17/08/2013 13:00

Ok, I'll be the first to say it.

WTAF?

YouJustMetTheAlphaParent · 17/08/2013 13:01

samhamwidge

Some couples like rough sex.

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking · 17/08/2013 13:02

What YouJustMetTheAlphaParent Said.

waltzingmathilda · 17/08/2013 13:02

I think it is for Dsis to discuss with her DP (not for her to discuss with you, big breach of relationship trust) whether it was misplaced on his part or something more sinister.

YoniBottsBumgina · 17/08/2013 13:03

Yeah, she should ask him to be fair rather than wondering "whether or not to be pissed off that he basically hit her out of anger, or wonder if maybe he thought he was turning her on"

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking · 17/08/2013 13:04

Personally if my dP done that to me during sex it would not have been in an abusive way at all.

YoniBottsBumgina · 17/08/2013 13:05

Although, TBH, if he is a rapey bastard, not saying that he is, but if he is, then surely he would come back with "I thought you might like it, 50 shades of grey, blah blah" anyway?

SamHamwidge · 17/08/2013 13:05

I just meant it seemed a bit of an odd post.

badguider · 17/08/2013 13:06

why wouldn't you talk about it right afterwards? the relationship dynamic sounds odd if she felt she couldn't.

if my dh did that to me and it was actually painful and turned me off i'd stop right away, but if it's wasn't that bad just a bit weird and we carried on then post-coitally i would still be saying 'why did you hit me to tell me to be quiet?' and have a conversation...

YoniBottsBumgina · 17/08/2013 13:07

But Pros I'm sure he didn't just do that one day in the middle of sex with no warning or discussion beforehand? If you like spanking/BDSM/etc then usually it starts with some tentative gentle slaps on the bum or joking about it, talking about it, trying tying up or back scratching or nipple biting or something else mild before working up to "three hard slaps on the bum and a telling off" in the middle of sex? That would be a shock to someone not used to the whole BDSM/spanking thing even if they did like the idea!

YouJustMetTheAlphaParent · 17/08/2013 13:08

Communication is the key here. If she didn't like it, she should say so to him. ASAP.

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking · 17/08/2013 13:11

YoniBottsBumgina I completely understand what you are saying.

fwiw I'm not into bdsm but sometimes things happen spontaneously without discussion before hand. I find it quite odd that it was not discussed at the time which makes me wonder wether ops sister has some fear of her dp.

Original poster
JaffaMyCake · 17/08/2013 13:13

They didn't talk about it afterwards, apparently "he doesn't like to talk about sex" which is another factor that set alarm bells ringing.

hamwidge why is this a weird post? I deliberately didn't name change although I wanted to, to avoid being called a troll Hmm

OP posts:
Pozzled · 17/08/2013 13:15

Yes, it seems odd that it wasn't discussed. If my DH did that to me I'd stop immediately and have a 'wtf were you thinking?' conversation. Slapping someone hard is not something you do to someone unless you've already talked about it and agreed to try it.

Vivacia · 17/08/2013 13:18

What did your sister say immediately after the slapping? What did she say post-coital? How does she feel about it? Is she conflicted?

SybilRamkin · 17/08/2013 13:20

Presumably she stopped and asked him 'WTF are you doing?'

If he tried it as a one-off, then that should let him know it's not acceptable.

If she didn't say anything and obviously didn't enjoy it then she needs to now, then he'll know not to do it again. Then if he does, she should tell him to do one.

McNewPants2013 · 17/08/2013 13:22

There have been times where DH has done things during sex that I have not liked (I bet we all have) however afterward I have told him I didn't like it and its never happened again.

What worries me is that your sister is unable to tell him as he refuses to talk about it. That to me sends big red flags

Thurlow · 17/08/2013 13:25

It all depends on his reaction when they talk about it, I think. Spanking isn't that unusual a bedroom activity, so there is a chance he might have thought that she would like it. But you need to be able, as a couple, so say "I don't/didn't like that" and have that accepted.

scallopsrgreat · 17/08/2013 13:26

Lots of red flags there OP, as I think you've realised. Also I am not surprised she has talked to you about it. She is trying to regain a normal perspective by the sounds of it. She feels her boundaries have been violated and wants that validated.

OctopusPete8 · 17/08/2013 13:30

God, why does your sister talk about sex to you...waaaay TMI,

On topic, hmm maybe innapropriate but maybe got caught up in 'angry sex mode'

tbh in your position I would be bleaching this out of my brain not posting about it.

Vivacia · 17/08/2013 13:49

FFS if you can't talk to your sister about something that's concerned you, who can you talk to?