Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To wonder if this is abusive....(warning sensitive/sexual content, poss triggering)

53 replies

JaffaMyCake · 17/08/2013 12:48

My sister had spoken to me about something that happened with her DP on weds night and I don't think she or I really know what to make of it, so was wondering if you MNetters could help.

Basically dsis and her dp had a brief drunk argument which resulted in (apparently angry) make up sex.

if easily offended please stop reading here

Now apparently, dsis was being ahem rather noisy, not wake the neighbours noisy, but louder than usual, and according to her, dp usually prefers her to be quiet. [clutching my pearls writing this next bit] now as he was shagging her from behind and obviously heard her being noisy, he pulled out, gave her three hard slaps on the bum and told her to "be quiet". Apparently they have never discussed hitting before in a sexual way. Dsis doesn't know whether or not to be pissed off that he basically hit her out of anger, or wonder if maybe he thought he was turning her on?

If this had happened outside the bedroom I would have said its abusive, does the fact it happened during sex change this?

OP posts:

GangstersLoveToDance · 17/08/2013 13:55

No possible way anyone on her can comment tbh.

IMO it depends on the dynamic of their relationship in general, not to mention what normally happens in the bedroom.

Taking place in the bedroom DOES change things sometimes.
DF has had some fairly deep bite marks in the past. He has also had some pretty horrific nail marks and scratches. None of which I would dream of 'inflicting' in normal every day life.

seensomuch · 17/08/2013 13:55

hope she never let him back in to finish after that !

StuntGirl · 17/08/2013 13:56

She needs to talk to him.

Although to be honest a guy who refuses to talk about sex, wants me to shut the fuck up during sex and hits me to make me do so is someone who's bags would shortly find themselves outside my front door.

phantomnamechanger · 17/08/2013 14:01

what stuntgirl said ^^

how long have they been together? maybe she does not know him as well as she thought?

Sallyingforth · 17/08/2013 14:11

I think she should be talking about this to her partner, not her sister.
No-one outside that relationship knows what is 'normal' or 'acceptable' for them. If they agree to slapping/biting/scratching etc, that's absolutely fine but it appears they have not agreed to it. She should insist on talking to him about sex if he wants to have sex.

grimbletart · 17/08/2013 14:26

If that had happened to me I'm afraid I would have reached behind me and yanked a certain part of his anatomy very hard: a woman is not a naughty child.

And then he would have found his arse on the floor smartish.

grimbletart · 17/08/2013 14:28

That sounds a bit vicious I realise, but then I can't imagine being married to such an arrogant twunt.

Edendance · 17/08/2013 16:09

She could always ask him about it... if she feels she can't then that is probably a good indicator to the answer of the question...

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/08/2013 16:11

It worries me that he wants her to be quiet. On many levels.

Chibbs · 17/08/2013 16:47

My dh likes to slap my arse, and hard! we have never discussed this, but my body language ( and the fact i have not had a 'WTF converstation with him) lets him know i like it and find it acceptable

ILoveFrogs · 17/08/2013 16:57

The slapping my ass wouldn't bother me, the telling me to be quiet would seriously piss me off, unless we were role playing!

HotDogWater · 17/08/2013 17:07

I thought guys love it when you are vocal during sex

Somethingtothinkabout · 17/08/2013 17:29

Wouldn't be a problem here. Nor would I have been asked first.

However, if I didn't like it I'd just say and it wouldn't happen again. Which is what your sister should do.

If she can't or he continues to do it anyway, THAT'S the worry.

littlemog · 17/08/2013 17:37

Your family certainly likes to 'share' OP.

Original poster

JaffaMyCake · 17/08/2013 17:54

Thank you all for your help. I will show dsis this thread with the strong recommendation that she speaks to him. Unfortunately my gut instinct is that he is a bit of a twat who could turn abusive.

Out of interest, why is liking a woman to be quiet a red flag?

OP posts:

YoniBottsBumgina · 17/08/2013 18:18

I don't think it's a specific red flag but it just seemed a bit controlling. I don't know, I'm not that sexually experienced so perhaps others might know but I would have thought that expressing a preference which was expected to be kept to was a bit weird - either being expected to produce loud enthusiastic noises or being expected not to make any noise at all. I could understand if he was worried about someone hearing but I assumed from your post that this wasn't the case (and/or the noises were too quiet to be overheard anyway)

Are you sure you want to show her though? Sorry but if I was your sister I'd be really pissed off that you'd posted on the internet about my sex life! I know that makes me a bit of a hypocrite to give advice

mignonette · 17/08/2013 18:46

I think maybe requiring somebody to be quiet during sex is different to preferring her to be quiet.

I would imagine many people gain pleasure from hearing their partners pleasure.

Of course if the walls are very thin he may just be embarrassed and a private person.

littlemog · 17/08/2013 18:59

Jaffa your poor sister! Are you really sure that you want her to know that you have broadcast her issue all over the internet?! Have you updated your FB status too?

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking · 17/08/2013 19:04

littlemog

ThisIsaLoooow · 17/08/2013 20:04

oh crikey don't show her!

musicismylife · 17/08/2013 20:05

How come your sister can ask you and not the man she had sex with? It all seems a bit strange and I would be mortified if my sis brought this up mid convo.

Are you your dsis, op?

YoniBottsBumgina · 17/08/2013 20:08

True, mignon. But surely if you preferred quiet sexual partners and you started dating someone who was louder than your preference you'd just stop dating them? Not tell them that you prefer quiet women? Unless for some reason you thought they were putting the loudness on.

musicismylife · 17/08/2013 20:10

^ this

Sparrowlegs248 · 17/08/2013 21:54

Surely she's pissed off or she isn't?? She can't decide to be after the event. I mean if it pissed her off it would have pissed her off there and then? Did she dislike/like it?

mignonette · 17/08/2013 21:58

It all depends on how much of a deal breaker it was Yoni. To be honest I'd be rather surprised to find the level of sexual noise made by somebody as being on a list of what people actively seek in a new partner. And maybe at the start of a relationship a person would be quieter/noisier? It varies on inhibition and level of familiarity. It varies on time/place.

Not that I condone aggression. But as I said earlier, expecting/demanding quiet is psychologically different to preferring it. One is about control, one is not.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread