To think my mum is/had an affair?

[Rubydoo80]

I am in shock.
My dad died 3 months ago. He had been ill for sometime an my mum and I cared for him. Up until Christmas last year he was reasonably fine so losing him this soon was a big shock.
In recent years my dad became defensive about some of my mums friends and openly said he didn't like some of them. In particular a couple of men.
One of the men, my mums old work friend, is married and a few years ago his wife had a nervous breakdown and was sectioned for a while. His poor wife kept saying that her husband was having an affair with my mum but it was dismissed as delusions as she was hallucinating at the time. Thankfully she's now recovered.
Anyway the past couple of years I suspected my mum may be upto something as she'd have short periods of being missing.
Like she'd tell my dad she was coming to mine but not turn up for an hour. I only live 10 mins away.
Or she would leave my house saying she was going home but if I called her house she wouldn't be in for ages. When I asked her it was always an excuse like she had to get petrol or something but still didn't really explain the amount of time she spent.
She would even tell me she had been round a female friends house but I dad asked to tell him she was with me.
One day after much suspicion I asked her outright if she was having an affair and she was very angry I'd even asked and denied it.
I didn't think any more of it.
My dad passed away and this man friend of my mums came to the funeral with his wife.
Since then I have come round to my parents house to find him here. Mum says he pops over on his lunch break sometimes to make sure she's ok, which I thought was nice. It's not something he's ever done before though.
Anyway today is her birthday and I knew she would be upset without my dad. We are having a family party for her. She's at work right now and I've just been organising things and went to where she usually keeps the table cloths. In the drawer was a birthday card from this man that's says "to my sexy lady lots of love always your sexy man xxx".
All her other cards are out this one was hidden.

What do I do or say to her? I don't want to upset her but equally I feel like she's betrayed me and my dad.

Please help!

Thanks you guys.
Well it seems that some people think I should ignore it and keep quiet, and others think I should address it.
I know by ignoring it I will be unhappy, my relationship with my mum will suffer because she doesn't know what's up plus I doubt she will ask me just in case I have found out.
Or I can confront her, risk upsetting her but at least we can clear up any possible misunderstandings.

Also the OMs wife had a breakdown but I think it was more to do with losing her mother.

I'm glad you've come to a decision, now you just have to figure out how to broach the topic!

Timing will be key, try to ask her when there is no reason for her to suddenly have to rush off and get out of answering.

Good luck.

If her lying is part of what's hurt you, and she's lied before when confronted, it may be better to avoid putting her in a situation which positively invites lies.

So rather than ask if she was having an affair and why, perhaps tell her you know about the affair, and are hurt by her behaviour. Be clear about the reasons for the hurt: that she lied to you, that she made you complicit, that she was hurting your father whom you cared about, that it has changed how you see her as a person.

Focus on the hurt, not on the forensic Where Were You stuff.

She may well come out with a lot of the stuff on this thread: it never happened, it happened but is none of your business, etc. In fact, an adapted script of the cheating spouses described the Relationships board. You can use this to prepare how to deal with her answers.

It sounds like your eventual aim is building a new relationship with your mum, without the deceit and with her acknowledgement that she has hurt you. That may take a while, particularly from her side.

Loads of good luck.

Well my mum came over tonight and while I was getting the baby to bed I told her I found the card.
She said it was now in the bin.
I asked who it was from and she said she couldn't tell me.
I said I know it's X.
She said it wasn't from him. That it was only a card that's now in the bin.
I said if its only a card then why won't you tell me who gave you it. And if it was from X then I don't want to see him round again.
She asked me why I thought it was him. I just said because he's always coming round, she said other people are always coming round too, doesn't mean anything.
I said she can do what she likes with her life.
She then got up and said that she was going out tomorrow and would be at mine by 730 and if I want to check up on her to see where she is I can ask her female friend she's meeting. I told her I don't need to check up on her I just want her to talk to me.
She left upset.
I feel bad for upsetting her.

Be careful. It is possible for your mum to love two men at once. If she is facing a future alone, this relationship may become very important to her. She will have to do the right thing by his wife, but I can't imagine she doesn't already know that.

I would never let on you found that card. She will be too embarrassed. Wait a month and then talk to her about the muscling in. Say that you find it a bit much and wait for her to explain how she sees the relationship.

Sorry, cross posted!

Oh dear, sorry it didn't go well.

Ruby your mum's upset is understandable because she felt confronted and probably slightly guilty (justified or not) and thus defensive

If my adult daughter approached me in the same circumstances I'd probably be terribly upset because I would never wish to hurt them and I would be hugely upset that I had

Thanks beast, parsing and dog.
I sent my mum a text to say that I love her, I don't want to upset her but I'm feeling sad about lots of things at the moment. She replied to say she would never hurt my dad or me and the card was simply to bring a smile to her face, which it did briefly but then the sadness returned.
She said she'd always be here for me, my DH and DD.
I do believe her. I feel better for talking to her despite it being painful and awkward.
I don't know who this card was from but it's irrelevant now.
I feel like a right bitch.

Don't feel like a bitch - the conversation has cleared the air and needed to be had. She obviously loves you very much and you her

Hey, op, I hope you are OK and good for you for talking to her. Remember, your mum is grieving too. Regardless of what went on, she will be feeling profound sadness, as I know you are too.

Sending you

Your mums right its nothing to do with you she's an adult.

I understand your grieving but don't allow that to make you push away your mum you probably need her more than you normally do right now.