To think my mum is/had an affair?

[Rubydoo80]

I am in shock.
My dad died 3 months ago. He had been ill for sometime an my mum and I cared for him. Up until Christmas last year he was reasonably fine so losing him this soon was a big shock.
In recent years my dad became defensive about some of my mums friends and openly said he didn't like some of them. In particular a couple of men.
One of the men, my mums old work friend, is married and a few years ago his wife had a nervous breakdown and was sectioned for a while. His poor wife kept saying that her husband was having an affair with my mum but it was dismissed as delusions as she was hallucinating at the time. Thankfully she's now recovered.
Anyway the past couple of years I suspected my mum may be upto something as she'd have short periods of being missing.
Like she'd tell my dad she was coming to mine but not turn up for an hour. I only live 10 mins away.
Or she would leave my house saying she was going home but if I called her house she wouldn't be in for ages. When I asked her it was always an excuse like she had to get petrol or something but still didn't really explain the amount of time she spent.
She would even tell me she had been round a female friends house but I dad asked to tell him she was with me.
One day after much suspicion I asked her outright if she was having an affair and she was very angry I'd even asked and denied it.
I didn't think any more of it.
My dad passed away and this man friend of my mums came to the funeral with his wife.
Since then I have come round to my parents house to find him here. Mum says he pops over on his lunch break sometimes to make sure she's ok, which I thought was nice. It's not something he's ever done before though.
Anyway today is her birthday and I knew she would be upset without my dad. We are having a family party for her. She's at work right now and I've just been organising things and went to where she usually keeps the table cloths. In the drawer was a birthday card from this man that's says "to my sexy lady lots of love always your sexy man xxx".
All her other cards are out this one was hidden.

What do I do or say to her? I don't want to upset her but equally I feel like she's betrayed me and my dad.

Please help!

Try knocking on people's doors

Really?! Goodness this reminds me that some people are totally different from others. If I knocked on my parents' door despite having a key they would ask why I had dragged them out into the hall for no reason!

Look - you've been through an awful lot. But the genie is out of the bottle now. I think the best thing to say to your mum is that you've found the card, and while you can understand why she'd want to put this moment off, that it would be lying at this point that would damage your relationship, not the situation itself. And then after she tells you whatever she does - say that you may end up getting on well with the OM - but that you don't want a replacement father and he needs to take a step back.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thanks for your input ladymilfordhaven.
I am grieving for my dad and what you have said is just downright nasty.

Ruby just ignore - she's in a minority of one, honestly...

Lady often is Ruby. I think it's just her personality to post like that so don't take it personally.

I think you have every right to be affected by this. I don't think you have a right to know everything nor expect to have a say in what your mother does. If you were my daughter I would want to know you had found out tbh because otherwise it would affect our relationship -you can't have a good relationship without honesty IMO

Confronting face to face is usually advised but in this situation your M will be defensive and the confrontation won't be positive.

What about a letter.
Don't list the evidence (gives her stuff to nit pick over and defend). Just say you know, you have always suspected and recently you have total proof.
Don't be specific I.e.naming the guy. Describe it as 'the affair'. E.g. I know about the affair
It's ok to say how it makes you feel, sad for your dad, betrayed, lied to and confused
Then tell her that to move on you need her to start being honest with you

Await her contact

If it was me I'd panic, become defensive...then reflect about where this could go. She needs to talk to you (not details) but talk about how this has affected you at this point in your grief and because of your feelings for the dad. You loved someone she betrayed.

Thanks everyone. Your advice has been comforting and helpful.
We had the party yesterday, mum had a lovely day.
Although throughout the day I felt increasingly upset and angry towards my mum. I didn't show it but the whole thing was just difficult.
I will talk to her when we have a moment together.

I can understand where you are coming from,

About the affair whilst you're dad was alive, and the fact she has wasted no time since he died and it seems like she is tainting his memory slightly.

I would tell her I knew.

I think you are sticking your nose somewhere where it doesn't concern you, tbh. You have no idea what went on in that marriage. There may be things your dad did to her that she would never want to tell you for fear of spoiling his memory and ruining the love you felt for him. You don't know what has led to this on both sides.
You're potentially opening a huge can of worms here. I would leave well alone. If something is going on it will come out eventually. But getting angry with her is making a judgement you are not qualified to make and you risk really not liking what you hear.
She's an adult and whilst it may not be right or justified, you are looking at it from the point of view of a child who can never be objective. I think you need to keep well out. If you're struggling, speak to an outside consellor first.

I am sorry for.your loss

Why were you increasingly angry and upset at the party? Your mum had, as you say, a lovely time.

You might need to examine why her being happy.upsets you so. Agree with others wrt your mama grasping life with both hands after suffering such a grievous blow, poor lady.

You have to find a way to process your grief and anger. That doesn't necessarily mean speaking to your mother. It might but it might not. I am sorry for your loss and your discovery. Just sit with it. Write it out. Talk it over with a trusted friend.

OP - I know a couple where the DH had mild dementia. He swore blind his wife and best friend were at it like knives and had been having an affair for some 10 years. It was one of the factors that led to him being installed rather prematurely in a care home; the family was horrified he could suggest such a thing.

He was right. The DW came out simpering after the funeral to say she and the best friend had been 'close' and were now planning to live together.

Their son, my friend, was repulsed at the cruelty and betrayal. Partic as the DM had been playing the martyr about being saddled to an invalid.

You must be really shocked - it is your business, too, it's your family. Leave it for a bit, and then if you still think your DM is involved with this man, try and get her to admit it for your own peace of mind.

That's awful shyer. I just don't get affairs myself, I know things can be complicated but why not be honest and leave the husband/wife and start a new relationship properly?!
It's not so much the sexual aspect of it, it's all the deceit and lying. I guess that hurts more because you put all your trust and faith in someone then you realise that they are not the person you thought they were.
I'm talking generally here. Not specific to my mums situation.

My mum had an affair behind my dads back, though my dad wasn't ill like yours. I am sorry for your loss by the way.

My mum confided in me and I was angry with her for telling me. By this time her OM had moved away but they were still in contact by email. My dad found out as my stupid mother printed off explicit emails and kept them in her wardrobe.

My brother didnt speak to my mum for years once he found out. My parents split up. I was very upset by what had happened but I couldn't bring myself to be angry with my mum. Disappointed and hurt, yes.

My mum said once that you never have any idea what goes in a marriage and she's right. In my parents case my mum had pretty much been ignored by my dad for years. Marriages get stale and someone shows some attention and wham.......I know its not a good reason but I can see how it happens.

Maybe your mum had her own reasons for not been completely happy in her marriage?

I was surprised by my anger too. It's probably because I am missing my dad so much and at our BBQ parties he always had a central role in charge of the food. Yesterday it just wasnt the same without him. Even though there were loads of people there, it felt empty and I just wanted to get away.

why not be honest and leave the husband/wife and start a new relationship properly?!

Don't know but it could be they were going to leave and then their DP came down with a serious illness then felt they couldn?t leave?

I think people usually have affairs because they lack the emotional courage to just leave and deal with the consquences or work out what they want or they like to have the next DP lined up before they leave.

Personally I could never live with all the lying and guilt but that me and others are different.

If you are silently seething at your mother talking with her is probably a good plan? as that is not something you can hide indefinitely from her but I really not sure your emotionally prepared to hear what she might say in response to your conversation and if she again deines being invloved with this guy are you going to belive her or again assume she is lying?

I know when my Aunt died family were upset with my Uncle for getting together with someone else within 12 months - not sure when they started dating. They are still togther nearly 15 years later and very happy. They hadn't known each other before introduced shortly after. My Aunt killed herself so I suspect things had been crap a while and unknow to wider family.

People still talked about him having an affair - he hadn't and Aunt never accused him of that but people were looking for someone to blame for Aunt's death and were upset he got togther 'to qucikly' in their view with new parnter.

I agree it sounds like your mother and this man are/were having an affair.

But it isn't really your place to confront her on it, it was her marrige and her life now. You could try to broach it, but if she doesn't want to confide then you'll need to respect that. Do you want to hear that her marriage was dead for years and this man was the only plus, she was going to leave him but you were the only reason she stayed, his sickness meant she couldn't leave when she wanted to? Just some examples, but I am sure if she is sneaking it's because she doesn't want to hurt you.

My MIL repartnered within months of FIL's death (his was longer illness though). She didn't tell us for 12months, sneaking around, lying about why she wasn't home, half truths about timings etc (SIL followed her once in car!). When she finally told us it was fine, we were happy for her - slightly put off by the lying side of it though. But I confess that my DH would have been less accepting if she'd said she'd told us 3 months after his dad's death...

Sorry for your loss Ruby.
It sounds like things are very difficult with having just lost your DF.
I would see how things go and for now forget about it just give yourselves a bit of time to grieve.
Once things have settled then maybe talk to your DM, and see if anything develops from there.

Thank you.
Maybe I'm not emotionally ready to hear what my mum might say but I'm the sort of person who can't ignore things in the hope I can forget it, I would much rather get it out, sort out any crossed wires, deal with the outcome then move on.
I hate unresolved issues.

The trouble is, it's not your issue. It really isn't. I don't mean to sound harsh, btw, you've obviously been through a really tough time. But I think you are letting your grief over your father cloud your judgement on this one. I'm not saying it's right or justifiable if your mother was having an affair, but if she is, that's not your business.

I've been where you are, btw, although both my parents are alive and happy together. This was something I'm sure happened in my childhood. For ages I was like you, digging for answers. Then I realised I was doing that for me and was only going to make trouble for them. I managed to put it to rest and step back from it. Once I was able to detach them as a couple from them as parents and realise I could never really know all the dynamics between them or even who was "right" or "wrong", I was much happier. I think you risk hearing a lot of stuff you'll wish you never knew if you push this.

Thank you posy for sharing your experiences.
I don't think my grief is clouding my view on it, it is hurting more because my dads gone but I would still feel this way even if my dad was still with us.

I just feel so confused I don't know how I should think.

For what it's worth ruby, I completely understand how you feel. An affair unfortunately hurts far more people than the two involved. It changes how you view a person, that's not your fault it's just how it is. Even more so if you discover that you had been used as a cover for missing time.

An ex friend did it to me, she kept telling her dh she was popping to mine as her cover. I felt so used and betrayed. Just do what you feel is right for you, you sound like you will Handel it sensitively which is the important thing.

Ouch!

So sorry about your father. I can't imagine how painful this all must be. I can only think that loving and missing your dad as you do, the thought that your mother is occupied elsewhere is terrible. But..... it really isn't your place to get involved any further than you are. If I were you I would leave it - distance yourself a little if you can't be around her - leave it up to her to tell you if she decides to.

I feel very sorry for the poor man's wife. I really hope for her sake that it isn't true. Being lied to again and again when you feel as if you KNOW something is off, will send you mad.

While I agree that in theory it's none of your business, you and your mother are both grieving, and your feelings are being strongly affected by your suspicions.
When in 10 years you look back at this time, will you be upset that you were 'sidetracked'/diverted into anger over an affair and wish you'd confronted her, or would you wish you'd put your anger aside and concentrated on your loss?

A parent's affair can feel like rejection and betrayal of the 'family unit', so of course you're taking it personally, esp so soon after the loss of your father.
Maybe think about whether you don't want her to be comforted by someone other than you - grief can feel very private, so his involvement may feel inappropriate regardless, esp in such a tightknit family.
If your mother really is having the affair, I don't think her telling you the truth will make you feel any better, and if she isn't, then you will be unsure if she's still lying and will have upset her.

You need to think about how you will feel in the future before you decide how to act, and then about if its more important that your mother is happy.

I'm sorry for your loss.