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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want ONE hour, for me. Warning: Self pitying

75 replies

LEMisdisappointed · 16/08/2013 09:15

I feel really bad even thinking this because i am very lucky, my DD is a lovely wee thing, loving and generally well behaved. She is 8, but she is full on. Yesterday a lovely lady on the bus said to us as we got off, "your daughter is so pretty" awww. Then she said "i bet you'd like to change your name sometimes though" and went on to say how she had a constant questioner etc, my DD does not stop with the questions which is nice i suppose but its constant she constantly wants to know what we are doing next/tomorrow and the whole day has to be filled with some activity or another so its non-stop yap!

I had an appointment today that i really should have kept, but i don't have anyone to have DD. When i said to my mother i had to go today (because she wanted to do something with us) she aske how long i would be and said "well i suppose you could leave her with me" but the thing is, by the time i have bused over and back we are looking at 3-4 hours and i got the impression that she felt an hour was too much . To be fair, 3-4 probably would be, its not her fault. Im pissed off with DP though, he is self employed and working around the corner, could have zipped home, given me a lift to my appointment and brought me back, took DD to feed the ducks and gone back to work but no, he didn't want to do this because he wants to finish early today :(

Since the summer holidays have started I have been with DD constantly and i am feeling a bit trapped i guess. I know there are lots of other parents with this too so i i know im being spoilt. I don't have any mummy friends (so consequently DD doesn't see school friends etc) so its just me and DD or DD and my mum (who isn't easy company just now) and i feel like im climbing the walls. I love being with DD but i would really like some adult company. She is going to bed later because its the holidays, DP does bedtime and invariably falls asleep on her bed so i don't get to talk to him in the evenings either.

I feel like a bad mother but im finding the holidays really hard this year :( I don't want to wish the time away, she'll be back at school soon enough and i'll miss her

OP posts:

phantomnamechanger · 16/08/2013 09:17

arrange a few play dates? - can she go to a friends or have someone round - mine are less difficult to manage if they have friends over! and I get some peace

mrsjay · 16/08/2013 09:22

you are not a bad mother for feeling like this stop beating yourself up about it we all are tearing our hair out and TBH i cant wait for tuesday to come I am exhausted and me and dd are very snipey we have been together too much. does your husband need to stay with her till she falls asleep it seems a bit drastic or does he just zonk out he can put her to bed and you can spend some time together,

I think he should have helped youtonight when he comes in after dinner kiss your dd and take yourself off to your bedroom or another room for an hours peace just to chill and mums net without her being there you dont have to be with her all the time even if you are in the house, you sound exhausting and not spoiled get your dh to take her out tomorrow if he can and spend some time alone to recharge ,

dreamingbohemian · 16/08/2013 09:27

YANBU

Is there any reason you can't get out by yourself, at least once a week, either to do a hobby or just go to a cafe and read? It sounds like your DP's job is flexible enough.

Why can't your DD see her school friends? You don't have to be good friends with their parents, just friendly enough to set up the times.

Original poster

LEMisdisappointed · 16/08/2013 09:28

I seem to have screwed up on the whole play date thing, i don't have any friends and the school gate mums are doing their own thing/on holiday etc. I have let DD down big-time on that one.

mrsjay, i may just do that! The bedtime is an issue, but its a battle i have long given up on, i don't do bedtime so i can't dictate how he does it really. I wish he would tke her out on his own, he is a fantastic dad but he always wants me to go too and if i didn't go along i'd not see him at all! She will be back at school soon and i'll miss her - i am a contrary sod!

OP posts:

dreamingbohemian · 16/08/2013 09:28

Sorry, what I mean is, YANBU to feel this way, but it seems like there are some things you can do to improve things, or are there other issues?

dreamingbohemian · 16/08/2013 09:29

x-post

Why would you not see him at all?

Original poster

LEMisdisappointed · 16/08/2013 09:33

Am just feeling sorry for myself i guess.

OP posts:

cupcake78 · 16/08/2013 09:36

Yanbu. I find the school holidays intense! You are not alone. Mum, mum, mum etc from 6am till 8.30pm with no let up.

Can you take her out to an activity somewhere so she's occupied. The cinema can be good, gives you hopefully a few hours of not hearing your name. I have a 6 week old so I'm dreaming of such things.

mrsjay · 16/08/2013 09:36

does he pander to her it sounds like he does at bedtime is ok for her not to have your full attention all day till she falls asleep obviously im not in your house so I dont know the dynamics and she maybe a terrible sleeper ( i had one of those i had to just leave her to it)

playdates were never a thing when mine were 8 you hardly saw another kid over the summer maybe once or twice they came round to play not doing playdates is not letting her down, could you go out on your own into town or something and leave them both at home when you get a chance to speak to him tell him you need a break from her don't feel bad about it, what you are feeling is normal

PeterParkerSays · 16/08/2013 09:41

If your DH does bedtime, go out one evening, even if it's driving the car to a nearby park and sitting on a bench with a book and a flask of tea! You really need some space for you to be able to give back to your daughter.

AnyCraic · 16/08/2013 09:41

I know exactly how you feel OP. I have had my two DC constantly since the holidays began, with the exception of 1 day when I went into hospital for a day procedure, and 2 dentist appointments, when my parents had them for an hour. The stress has been building inside me and I've taken it out on the poor DC, who have seen me crying too many times in the past few weeks :( On top of that, they've been bickering, I've been stressed when we have gone out and it's all been a recipe for disaster.

It all came to a head when I sobbed last night and DH finally understood how I felt (up til now, if I said anything, he'd tell me to just enjoy being off, to get more sleep etc - all well and good but made me feel like it was all my fault!)

Anyway, I'm going to send them to child care for a day next wk so I can have time to myself. I just need it for my own sanity.

Would that be an option for your DD, OP? Or get DP to understand how you feel? My DH couldn't understand until I spelled it out for him how utterly stressed and trapped I am feeling. Perhaps he could arrange his time to give you a break/take DD to an activity/etc? Don't let him leave all the parenting to you, and push back some responsibility on him too!

Ilovegeorgeclooney · 16/08/2013 09:44

Are there any activity sessions locally? My local library has craft/activity sessions for children and you see all the mums happily nipping off for a peaceful coffee. Or just take her to a local playground and enjoy some quiet time on the bench. Does her school have a play scheme? How you feel is very natural but you need to do something to give yourself a break.

frogspoon · 16/08/2013 09:51

Is there any way you could put her in a summer day camp?

Original poster

LEMisdisappointed · 16/08/2013 09:51

Glad its not just me then, though sorry that other people are getting a bit stir crazy.

I'm torn between finding DD difficult (which is unfair as she really is very well behaved, if only demanding) and feeling guilty because i need some space. I tried to tell DP that if were were together 24/7 we would want some space from each other.

I have had to cancel these appointments 3 times now :(

OP posts:

Original poster

LEMisdisappointed · 16/08/2013 09:53

I should check out to see if there are any play things going on, i can do that. I THINK one of my friends is back from holiday next week so hoping for some nice weather to do stuff on the beach.

OP posts:

mrsjay · 16/08/2013 09:53

you need to get yourself to the appointments they are important I am sure your mum or dh wil take her for you I think you maybe canceling out of guilt of leaving her as she is a bit full on let her bend somebody elses ear for an hour

MovingForward0719 · 16/08/2013 09:54

Four weeks into the hols, I read somewhere that this is the point when mums are really struggling with it all. Maybe think ahead for next year, could you afford to book her into one or two holiday clubs or playschemes to break things up a bit. Doesn't have to be all the time. Or some activities that you can book her into and just watch from the sidelines for a bit. My oldest is 9, bless him and he is lovely but driving me a bit crazy now, he is VERY chatty and I feel horrible for being so snappy to him. My other one is 6 and has ASD, I actually find him easier as his needs are more simple and he doesn't chat all the time but of course going out and about isn't easy so I've spent far too much time at home! My older one has been booked out on a few things, so he can get out and to give him a break from his younger brother. Try and take a deep breath and think okay just two more weeks now, but I do know how you are feeling. I am already planning ahead so I can do it a bit better next year !

dreamingbohemian · 16/08/2013 09:55

Stop cancelling those appointments!

Honestly, where is your DP in all this? You should not have to be the parent 24/7 every day, you have a partner.

frogspoon · 16/08/2013 09:58

Also I don't know what kind of appointments you have but as you say she is well behaved, can you not have her wait in the waiting room if there is one, and the appointment isn't too long?

Bring some of her favourite books and toys and she can probably sit quietly for a while.

Original poster

LEMisdisappointed · 16/08/2013 10:02

To be fair dreaming, he is at work

Frogspawn, the appointment is for counselling and i couldnt leave her in teh waiting room as it is unattended and for an hour - ha! she wont even wait outside the shop with the dogs let alone wait alone for an hour bless her.

OP posts:

frogspoon · 16/08/2013 10:19

Ok an hour in a counsellor's office is a bit long (I was thinking maybe half an hour at the dentist, which is geared up for kids and has lots of toys)

I think you'll have to look into a summer camp or holiday club.

UnitedZingDom · 16/08/2013 10:27

LEM

of course you are not a bad mother!

we should do MumSwap!
she can come over here for a day and you can do what you want.

but. then . It's. payback. time.
I'll send over my 6 for a day...

deal?

Original poster

LEMisdisappointed · 16/08/2013 10:27

Oh, id not be feeling sorry for myself if i had to miss the dentist

OP posts:

mrsjay · 16/08/2013 10:28

ok can you take your mum to the appointment town/city and she can take your dd to lunch or for a drink or something that is if your mum knows what the appointments are for, you can go with them gran can take her off and you can meet them again

UnitedZingDom · 16/08/2013 10:30

silliness apart
do you have an ipad or iphone or tablet or whatever ( you know an i- thingy ) that she could play on with earphones? it won't be the same and it is not the best solution, but it might just work for this one time?

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