To think I am too anxious to work

[WhatsWithTheDecaf]

I've always been what people might call a high achiever - top degree, prestigious graduate scheme, rose quickly through the ranks to management etc. But my whole working life has been plagued by massive anxiety, feelings of inadequacy (like I'm bluffing my way through everything). I've spent weekends in tears over seemingly impossible deadlines, been physically sick with nerves over some project or other and have always worked masses of overtime to cover up what I think is y inability to perform well in my normal hours. In short, I've spent over a decade as a nervous wreck!

I thought it was the career choice, so 'downsized' to a slightly less pressured part of the sector in a less prestigious company - but though it was slightly better, I still spent many a sleepless nights fretting. I enjoyed my work, loved it even at times, but my anxiety overwhelmed everything else.

So then I had my son a year ago, and decided to further downsize and just take on regular project work, doing max 3 days a week - luckily I have flexible childcare. I thought this would be the best of both worlds, but in fact I am now worse than ever. The minute I get some work in, I panic about getting it done, juggling it with the baby, meeting the specifics of the brief, making an epic fuck-up that blacklists me with a new client or saying no to work that I can't manage.

I spent my son's first birthday party almost on the verge of tears over a complication with one project that hadn't been resolved (that was later easily sorted and that anyone else would have called a non-issue). This is not an isolated incident, my work casts a shadow over virtually all of the free time I spend with my family.

So now I am thinking I should jack it all in and enjoy my son's childhood. Honestly, I was never so happy as when I was on maternity leave. I was relaxed, content, calm - and it showed on my face.

I'm in the fortunate position of not having to work (with some lifestyle changes, sure) but it feels like madness to throw everything I've worked for away because of my anxiety. I have thought that I could think of different career options when I feel ready and try to find something that worries me less, but I think it might just be my personality.

Feel like I am in limbo and about to chuck a decade's worth of experience and contacts down the drain!

What would you advise?

I feel exactly like you and would love to hear some wise responses

Instead of jacking it in, could you tackle the anxiety issues? CBT, counselling or similar? It may well be you're not suited to the sector but most jobs have elements of deadline and pressure, and you say there are aspects of the work you enjoy so it would be a pity to lose that if the anxiety can be better managed.

If you not happy working and don't need the money why are you doing it. You not throwing it away as you have all the experience. Could you take a career break for a year and rethink. It might be you need to do something else and why not enjoy your son growing up. X

On the face of it it does sound like sahm might be a better option for you and you can afford it.

It could just be your personality but then wouldn't it crop up with none work things - needing to get the house clean and tidy before guests arrive, room needing decorating, cooking dinner with a toddler screaming for attention doing anything with a toddler

Have you considered therapy to get to the bottom of it?

Get some good CBT (preferably private if you can afford it, as the minimal number of sessions you get on the NHS may only scratch the surface).

I've had phases of acute anxiety over work and it's horrible, and I can well understand you would want to leave it all behind, but if you have a good career behind you and the opportunity to work flexibly, as much or as little as you want/need, it would indeed be a shame to let your anxiety ruin that for you. I have always had to work financially, so had to find a way of coming through it - part of it was the company I was with, so I changed that as soon as practicable and have a much better job and environment now. That doesn't sound as if it's the issue for you, though.

I've a similar background and have experienced some similar issues and am now in a lot better position. You can work on these issues to find coping mechanisms.

You need to address the core issues making you feel like that or it will manifest in other areas of your life not just work. If you are in a position to be able to take a career break maybe do that while you explore options for dealing with the anxiety (counselling, CBT, self-calming techniques etc), then resume when you're more able to deal with it.

Happy if you want to pm me.

when no strangely I've never felt unduly stressed as a SAHM (I mean, in my limited experience of 9 months maternity leave!) I think I am quite a nurturing person and loved decorating, making the house nice, cooking meals from scratch, being a nicer person to my husband :) though maybe I was 'playing house' a bit.

I have tried counselling in the past, and I don't know why, but it just made me feel uncomfortable and exposed, so I'm loathe to do it again. I am quite a private, stiff upper lip person on the outside.

If you can afford to be a SAHM then do it, but if I were you I would have CBT to deal with the anxiety anyway because it will follow you around to other areas of your life. If you can learn to deal with it you will feel very empowered and at some stage you might want to work again, in your own field or doing something else. Dealing with your anxiety will give you that choice.

Good luck

Find another therapist. Honestly, if you don't get to the root of it, it will follow you around all your life.

I would be cautious about blaming work for such overwhelming anxiety and thinking that removing work would make it all go away. I think that is tackling the symptom, not the cause.

I know you were fine on maternity leave, but that is not really the same as giving up work entirely. I am probably influenced by my MIL's fragile mental health that hit a crisis when her first child left home - she never worked from when she had children and her anxiety manifest itself in so many ways, especially as she has all the time in the world now for her issues to overwhelm her.

CBT is highly rated and is not the same as counselling (which I can understand your reservations about - for the record it didn't help my MIL>)

I have a similar background to you and also a period of extreme anxiety - although conversely when I was on mat leave with my first.

I second talking this through with someone but also I would encourage you to understand that the feelings of faking it are entiry normal. It is only as I have got more senior that I have felt more able to express (Mongst friends and some close colleagues) my utter bewilderment as to how I have got where I have. Such admissions are nearly always met with a similar revelation.

I've had this too. It is, as I'm sure you know, nothing to do with any particular job. While you enjoyed sahming before, there is a chance it could start to invade that part of your life as well. So please, please get some treatment.

Definitely CBT. NHS waiting lists are long but often local MIND branches offer it at reduced cost.

I would also suggest you think about ADs or beta blockers. Once my physical reactions to anxiety went away it was a lot easier to tackle the thoughts.

I would also recommend the following books: Feeling Good by David Burns (very American, but excellent) and Overcoming Low Self Esteem by Melanie Fennell. The key is not just reading them, but setting aside twenty minutes every day to work through the exercises.

If you have the money and time, I would also recommend a meditation course. There might be ones near you. Alternatively, the mental health foundation does an online mindfulness course which has been assessed as very effective.

Lastly, exercise has been very useful for me. I do yoga twice a week. It is impossible to let anxieties pervade when you are focusing on the stretches, gives an endorphin boost afterwards and helps me approach things with a level of calm.

Firstly you work to live, you don't live to work. You have a great opportunity to give yourself time and space to address the underlying issues and I would agree that CBT/talking therapies works really well for some people. My DSis had CBT and although it didn't eliminate her anxiety it made it manageable.

But don't think of doing this to avoid work think of it as an opportunity to be a SAHM. Try to think about all the positives before you decide.

Two basic options

1. Tackle the anxiety by CBT. I second the person who said go privately if you can afford it.
   
   Advantage: this will give you freedom to make choices based on what you want, rather avoiding things. You'll retain skills and experience which are valuable. You have financial protection because no one knows what is around the corner and relying on someone else's wage is a gamble.
   Disadvantage:you have to do this and you sound reluctant to. It might take time to work for you.

2. Leave work. You can afford it at this point in your life
   Advantage: immediate solution and you will instantly be happier
   Disadvantage: you lose skills and experience you might want to fall back on. Your choices will be restricted

I could have written your post but have not been in the position where I could afford to give up work. I have three dc's and, if truth be known, had the third one to get another six months off work. I have changed job twice, dropped hours and am in the process of changing again - to something with very little responsibility. I have been to my GP, Taken Prozac, had time off sick (I'm always fine then) but nothing has been a long term solution.

Apparently others at work see me as being laid back, relaxed and unflappable. My turmoil is not apparent to others and yet, I start the day in tears at least twice a week.

If I could afford not to work, I wouldn't. If I were you I would take the time out to enjoy your baby and look for help to return later if you feel you want to.

Holistic Hypnotherapy is wonderful (for me).
You hardly discuss your problems, but work on positive reinforcement.
You need a free hour a day to do this.

The therapist I went to deals with all sorts of people including footballers who are off form.

Although I agree that being a SAHM would be great for you, maybe you need to deal with the anxiety now, so you can deal with it if it comes back when you are a SAHM.

Might you not be anxious at home with a small child too though?

Regarding permeating throughout your life: I have a friend who is highly skilled and could have many exciting but flexible career option. She too found work stressful so gave up, down sized and eventually left.

Her youngest is now 12 and I don't think she will ever work again. She has long days at home on her own and lacks motivation to go out and 'do'. I don't think she has really enjoyed SAHM so much as it was an option that seemed better at the time.

Her anxiety has increased to a paralysing level. Her husband is increasingly under pressure because no matter what he has done to support his wife (he really is a fabulously caring and supportive man) she has not been able to respond but has shrunk back more. Both their lives have become restricted because she won't travel as much as they could, won't do this, that ...it goes on and on. Nor will she get treatment for it because the treatment is too frightening for her. Confronting her issues is scary.

I'm her friend. I care a lot about her but also have a little ring of detachment around me now because its quite painful watching someone suffer but knowing the only person who can help them self is them...and they can't/won't.

Your situation is probably wildly different but I'm relaying this to encourage you that whatever decision you make please try and tackle the underlying issue which is not work but an anxiety disorder.

what is the problem with 'throwing away' something that makes your life such a misery.

If you don't need to work and it is causing you this much stress, I would probably take a career break.

I have managed my anxiety ( I can relate to everything you have said) by sectioning my life and keeping a very strict diary. I planned my time so that I knew that work would get completed because there were time slots all over the calendar.
However, if I did not need to work there is no way on earth I'd be living my life like this.

I don't think it is necessarily true that anxiety will permeate all areas of your life - it can be triggered by very specific circumstances, for example work. I think this is very common amongst people who have has a very fast career progression of the type OP describes. The feelings if 'faking it' are unbelievably common, impact upon your self esteem and so trigger what can be crippling anxiety. I found myself managing a team of about 40 at a relatively young age and also experienced a lot of work anxiety. I eventually confided in my manager, who not only told me she felt exactly the same but Also at arranged a leadership course for me which was fantastic.

The course was only attended by 6 participants, all in simir roles to me and we spent two days exploring how we practiced managements, how we felt about it and having intensive group and 1:1 coaching sessions. It was brilliant and totally transformed the way I felt about work. There may be something like this in your sector that you could seek out?

I would be wary of dropping out of the world of work completely for an extended time because t can be very hard to get back in.

Op, have you read about "imposter syndrome"?

Apologies for all the horrendous typos on my last past - fat fingered phone typing!