To think I am too anxious to work

[WhatsWithTheDecaf]

I've always been what people might call a high achiever - top degree, prestigious graduate scheme, rose quickly through the ranks to management etc. But my whole working life has been plagued by massive anxiety, feelings of inadequacy (like I'm bluffing my way through everything). I've spent weekends in tears over seemingly impossible deadlines, been physically sick with nerves over some project or other and have always worked masses of overtime to cover up what I think is y inability to perform well in my normal hours. In short, I've spent over a decade as a nervous wreck!

I thought it was the career choice, so 'downsized' to a slightly less pressured part of the sector in a less prestigious company - but though it was slightly better, I still spent many a sleepless nights fretting. I enjoyed my work, loved it even at times, but my anxiety overwhelmed everything else.

So then I had my son a year ago, and decided to further downsize and just take on regular project work, doing max 3 days a week - luckily I have flexible childcare. I thought this would be the best of both worlds, but in fact I am now worse than ever. The minute I get some work in, I panic about getting it done, juggling it with the baby, meeting the specifics of the brief, making an epic fuck-up that blacklists me with a new client or saying no to work that I can't manage.

I spent my son's first birthday party almost on the verge of tears over a complication with one project that hadn't been resolved (that was later easily sorted and that anyone else would have called a non-issue). This is not an isolated incident, my work casts a shadow over virtually all of the free time I spend with my family.

So now I am thinking I should jack it all in and enjoy my son's childhood. Honestly, I was never so happy as when I was on maternity leave. I was relaxed, content, calm - and it showed on my face.

I'm in the fortunate position of not having to work (with some lifestyle changes, sure) but it feels like madness to throw everything I've worked for away because of my anxiety. I have thought that I could think of different career options when I feel ready and try to find something that worries me less, but I think it might just be my personality.

Feel like I am in limbo and about to chuck a decade's worth of experience and contacts down the drain!

What would you advise?

Kilmuir. On the face of it the advice I'd give most people is throw away anything or anyone who is making you that unhappy.

However most people need money to live, situations change and having the ability to earn a good wage is of huge value. OP may feel she is happy to take that risk but its still worth a mention in terms of weighing up pros and cons.

If she could not manage to deal with her anxiety despite CBT I would advocate leaving because life is too short and the risk (of needing her job in the future) is worth it.

OP, something I wanted to add is that I discovered that the "one aspect of my life is shit and I'm fine with another" mentality is a very common part of anxiety. It is essentially deflecting: you put onto work all the crap you feel about everything because you feel it keeps the rest of your life safe. I know I did. The problem with jacking in work and not getting help is that the anxiety will then find something else to latch onto.

Please PM me if you need to. I have been there.

My DH was in your position - he has spent huge chunks of his working life feeling that he wasn't good enough, was going to be found out. Suffered from overwhelming panic, nearly walked out of work several times.

He wouldn't commit to buy his own flat etc, because he thought he was in the verge of losing his job, spent every Sunday afternoon crying.

In the end, he had CBT organised through work. He still can't explain how it worked, but it did. It took time, and he still feels panic at times, but many years on, he is far more relaxed in his career.

As he said, he would panic if he was working in a sweet shop, not as a lawyer. I can see how it stemmed right back to too much pressure too young (mother who criticised constantly, never felt he'd achieved enough etc), but it needed a professional to break the cycle of panic and retrain his thought pattern.

I would try that first.

Gosh there is some truly great and thoughtful advice here and I am so grateful, will definitely explore all the ideas given, whatever I decided to do work-wise. Work has always been the source of my crippling anxiety, and prior to that it was my studies. I don't know why I'm such an anxious person but I just seem to put myself under extreme pressure all the time. DH thinks I thrive on it to an extent!

Even when a project goes well, I find myself saying 'I bet I can find something to worry about if I look hard enough'. So then I do and I find something quite random and arbitrary to worry about, almost for amusement, but it takes minutes for it to build up in my head as something quote serious and life-changing.

OP I too was a high achiever, first class honours from good university. But when I got a job I struggled with anxiety and confidence.

When I had ds then dd I did go back to work part time but I struggled. Decided to become a SAHM and have never looked back. I sleep better, enjoy my kids more.

Yes I miss aspects of work but really I am a home body and a bit introverted. I think it can be about accepting who you are rather than labelling it as a problem.

I think henwithattitiudes advice is spot on

Unless you tackle the root cause, the problem will always be there, even if its temporarily masked by the fact that you are in a position right now where you could give up work and happily have a focus which keeps you busy.

As hen says, situations change, and there may be a point in the future where you need to work or want to work- because it does sound as though you get a tremendous drive from using this set of skills, despite the anxiety. Also, family dynamics change over time, and even if you have a partner wiling to pick up all the financial pressure while your child is young, this may become problematic in the future. In short, I think you owe it to your partner and child as well as to yourself to address such extreme anxiety. Even though it seems to be linked to study and work now, if not dealt with it could transfer into other aspects of life (eg the woman described upthread whose anxiety is restricting her life in other ways)

A past unsuccessful attempt at therapy seems to have put you off which is a shame, because CBT is renowned for having a good success rate, and can even work fairly quickly. Deep down you must have feelings of inadequacy, at the moment linked to study and work, but even if you are able to avoid those two things right now then it doesn't mean you have tackled the issue: it's just masked

If this were a fear about something which idoesnt impact hugely on life ( eg spiders or flying or public speaking) then I would say its reasonable to just avoid those situations, and always travel a different way, or avoid a job where public speaking is a major part. But to actually have what amounts to severe anxiety about work in general is a massive thing which will impact so much on your life that it seems unrealistic to think that you can just avoid it

I would go to the GP and seek advice now. If one therapist doesn't work for you, don't give up, there really are some very successful treatments out there and you shouldn't feel you have to hide from this problem for your entire life

I'm curious as to why you think sahm is different or less judgy?

Everything will be yours all day. Full time entertaining. Games. Play. Development. Fun. Safety. Probably cleaning. Family arrangements. Holiday packing. Shopping with kids.

To some extent you sound like you are running from yourself and have decided this will 'save' you. Honestly, won't you just find new ways to be anxious?

To my uneducated ears it sounds like an alcoholic saying if they avoid drinking certain nights they won't still be alcoholic. It's unlikely to work for long. Tackle the problem. Hiding wont help.

You only have one life and it's certainly too short to spend it being sick at the thought of going into work. I have been where you are (although related to a boss that thankfully left) and its awful. If you dont need to, why spend the rest of your working life miserable ?

Sod the training and contacts. Cut your losses and be happy

The danger is with anxiety (I have experience of it) is when you get rid of one source, it transfers. So you might give up work only to find that the outside generally comes a source of anxiety and become agoraphobic. Nothing wrong with giving up work but do seek help, it makes all the difference, and make sure you do challenge yourself with something.

After a couple of difficult work-related experiences - unpleasant bosses who sapped my confidence rather - I spent some years working freelance, from home. There was less external pressure and it fitted in well with looking after my child at a time when my husband was working longer hours.

However there does come a time when children need you less. My daughter started asking things like, 'Are you going to get a proper job again?' I realised that as she was coming to a point where she'd start thinking about her own working life, I wanted to be a good role model. At a time of high unemployment, I was also concerned that having stepped back from the conventional job market for a while, would make it a lot harder to get back into regular work.

I find doing a relatively modest (non-freelance, not working from home) job over the last few months has turned out in a positive way.

I also suffer from anxiety and I've changed jobs and given up work for a bit to try and feel better. In my experience it took the pressure off for a while but the anxiety always came back, in one form or an other.
What really helped me was acknowledging that I'd always have anxiety, that it would be better and worse but I would always have that tendency. I also found it very helpful to acknowledge that some level of anxiety is completely normal, living a completely stress free life is not normal.
Once I'd done that I was able to put together strategies to help me cope. I've currently got a ladder of these coping strategies.
When I feel the anxiety coming on I make lists of what needs done and make slots in the week to get them done, like Mrs Theroux. If that doesn't help I add in some increased excercise (I find team sports and classes best) and a bit of meditation, then add in medication on top of all this if I need it (I take beta blockers).
I also do a wee bit of therapy to under pin all this. This helps me to feel in control, I know that if I have a bout I have methods to deal with it. In turn I feel calmer and so have fewer bouts of anxiety.
The other thing that struck me about your post was that it appears you are self employed. I find I've always had quite a lot of support from my employers, wherever I've worked. I don't rely on my colleagues to pick up my work load but knowing that if I did have a flare that someone could do that for me helps to keep me a bit calmer too.

I know what you mean. I had a client meeting yesterday and could hardly sleep the night before for worrying I'd made some almighty stupid error. I hadn't - I'm good at my job but I do worry.

Does your company offer any counselling or private health care? It might be possible to arrange it confidentially through HR.

I wouldn't burn your bridges until you've tried a few different things. Wouldn't it be great to be actually released from those anxiety feelings, to some extent, for life?

SAHM is tempting but when the children get older (and mine are now approaching the last years of primary school) your mum-friends mostly go back to work or are casting around for jobs that will take them on for a few hours a week, it can get lonely and boring (I am not starting a bunfight here but it's a risk). Especially if you are quite "private" and don't maybe make friends easily - you might find you are stuck at home, still too anxious to try doing anything else.

I think the OP has acknowledged herself she may latch onto different life experiences and get anxious:

prior to that it was my studies

I find myself saying 'I bet I can find something to worry about if I look hard enough'. So then I do and I find something quite random and arbitrary to worry about, almost for amusement, but it takes minutes for it to build up in my head as something quote serious and life-changing

My friends anxiety is really spilling out of her own life and affecting her husband and DC (she is late 40s). Whilst this may seem ages away to you and irrelevant she has actually cornered herself and missed out on a lot of lovely experiences in life because of this issue.

The fact that others are now really quite affected by it is an issue because its hard not to feel resentful I imagine. I've pondered and pondered how to help her and concluded her anxiety is now like a comfort blanket. As long as she is worrying, she feels safe. Stop worrying ...and something will happen. So she won't be separated from her anxiety by any therapy because in her head its what is keeping her safe. Really tough on everyone around her to watch.

cross posts with about a million people

Hen, that's it exactly, I found my anxiety transferring from trying to complete badges at Brownies (I know, I know), to school exams, to trying to get into uni, to trying to pass uni exams, to getting a job, to performance at said job and on and on. The fact that I was, by and large, fairly successful meant nothing.
OP, I don't believe that just because that's how my anxiety works that you will be the same but it would be a shame to give up something you are obviously well qualified for and find it hadn't helped you at all.

Just to say I do think the working world has become increasingly pressurised in recent years.

When you add to all that pressure the responsibilities of looking after your family I feel an awful lot is expected of women these days.

I agree with those who say you've tried hard enough to make it work (with different jobs) and maybe a few years as a SAHM may suit you better and you can look at going back maybe to a different type of work in a few years time ?

Work isn't the only thing in life !

I don't think anyone is suggesting that being a SAHM is all a bed of roses dacky, not at all. It can be full on, and as the one at home full time I agree that it will no doubt involve taking on pretty much all the daily running of the house: shopping, cleaning, laundry...

BUT the fundamental difference about being at home is that you're not answerable to anyone in terms of deadlines or 'making the grade'.. Your child will still love you if you burn the toast or are in your pyjamas at midday!
I can see how not working at the moment can seem like a good short term solution to the OPs anxiety (and also she may genuinely want to be a SAHM while her child is small)

But I agree with the comments that it seems the OP is trying to run away from herself. Realistically, even if you avoid the world of work for a whole, you cannot hide your whole life from situations where you need to measure up to some sort of external standard (which it seems is what the core issue is; the OP feels deep down inadequate , even though there is no logical reason to feel that)

Like I say, I believe in picking one's battles , and if this was an easily avoidable irrational fear, then I'd say just keep away from snakes, or planes or whatever. But this is major: the OP has already tried downsizing to a less stressful job but still felt the irrational feelings of panic and not being good enough. No one deserves to live their life with that burden

And YY to the poster who said a certain degree of stress in life is normal, and that a stress free life isnt normal. That's so true.

Occasionally I day dream (don't we all!) about the 'perfect life' : bottomless purse of money and freedom to choose how we organise every day... But I'm sure in reality if we had that life, most people would quickly find it wasnt stress free and fulfilling.. Other issues rise up, things you haven't previously even dreamed of, to transfer that worry onto. A healthy degree of stress - needing to meet deadlines , match up to the grade, push ourselves out of our comfort zone- is entirely normal. If we never pushed ourselves, how would we feel any sense of achievement?

For the OP the stress is not at a normal level. I really cannot advise enough to go to your GP, seek good quality CBT because you can knock this on the head.

I always felt stressed and worried a work. I am now a sahm and have never been happier.

Give it a try, you might find its the best thing you ever did.

Lots of brilliant advice and i'm going to be repeating some of it. Work is clearly not the cause but the focus of your anxiety. If you become a sahm it is not unlikely that your home and/or child will become the focus over time. You do need to tackle the anxiety at source.

I had to give up my career after my anxiety led to a complete breakdown. As I was unable to return to my career I tried retraining in other fields and worked part time doing what I thought would be low stress jobs - they still caused me massive anxiety. I now am a sahm with a two year old and happy as the proverbial pig in many ways. However, this is largely due to the fact that I still avoid going anywhere or doing anything that i know triggers anxiety, and avoidance is not addressing the underlying issues. My anxiety can also manifest as obsessiveness about the home and my family.

The person who said about learning to live with it and find coping strategies is spot on. I had a lot of help including counselling, cbt, antidepressants and beta blockers. All taken together they helped me be a functioning human being but they haven't cured me by any stretch of the imagination, but the medication got me over the initial hurdle and the therapy has at least given me insight into why i'm like this, and has given me strategies to get through the week. I see it as a work in progress.

A few people have suggested yoga, meditation and mindfulness. I completely second this. So much of anxiety is worrying about what ifs and anticipating what may happen in the future - mindfulness trains you to only focus on what actually IS in the moment. There are quite a lot of resources online if you want to give it a go and i'd definitely recommend a yoga class, especially one with a strong focus on relaxation. If you have a look over on the philosophy/religion/spirituality section there are quite a few threads about meditation and mindfulness with some good recommendations for books and other resources.

It sounds like you really want to be home with your child, so i'd say do this, but just be aware of the danger of avoidance, and use the time to do some of the work you need to do on you.

I find myself saying 'I bet I can find something to worry about if I look hard enough'. So then I do and I find something quite random and arbitrary to worry about, almost for amusement, but it takes minutes for it to build up in my head as something quote serious and life-changing

Without being an expert, this sounds to me like exactly the kind of mental pattern that CBT is successful in tackling.

I'd suggest at least exploring the CBT option - if it doesn't work, you can always come back to the SAHM option later.

Janey,

But you are answerable; to your dcs, dh, family, friends, YOURSELF, society.

Everyone will still pick at, judge, think can do better, it's not safe because you are home. Now it will be can I brave a kids group? Am I educating/developing them well? Are they eating right compared to x?

Same anxious nature. New problems.

Personally I think it's a lot less stressful than the pressures you can be put under at work though Dacky - to me going out to a toddler/kids group just isn't in the same league !

I didn't say it wasn't more pleasurable. Gosh is it in so many ways!

Just that if u are predisposed to excessive worrying and or proper anxiety (above average stuff) then you are as likely to find a reason to be anxious here as there.

Personally my eldest dd (2.5) is more demanding than any boss I ever worked for. I'd go back coz its easier there than here! Wouldn't love it as much but I'd def be hiding at work.

Thanks - just reading through more wise and helpful comments

I don't seem to be as stressed by motherhood as I am with work. I guess because I am a very short-term, specific worrier rather than getting het up about the bigger picture, and with work there's always different minutiae to fret about and concerns lots of different people to please, whereas I'm calmer when it's just my baby and me and the only immediate concern is getting lunch on.

I agree it would be a great pity to ditch my job altogether, particularly when it could offer such a good work life balance, if I could learn to compartmentalise a bit better. Some people are just so good at this. My husband leaves work worries at the front door and I've never once heard him worry or complain, despite his job being high pressured

While I know it's ridiculous, I honestly believe at the time that my problem is the biggest problem anyone could have at work and that I could lose my job or my reputation in one step. I believe no one has ever made a mistake like it, and that everyone will be shocked. Despite the fact that I regularly work with seriously slack people who must fuck up all the time!