To think I am too anxious to work

[WhatsWithTheDecaf]

I've always been what people might call a high achiever - top degree, prestigious graduate scheme, rose quickly through the ranks to management etc. But my whole working life has been plagued by massive anxiety, feelings of inadequacy (like I'm bluffing my way through everything). I've spent weekends in tears over seemingly impossible deadlines, been physically sick with nerves over some project or other and have always worked masses of overtime to cover up what I think is y inability to perform well in my normal hours. In short, I've spent over a decade as a nervous wreck!

I thought it was the career choice, so 'downsized' to a slightly less pressured part of the sector in a less prestigious company - but though it was slightly better, I still spent many a sleepless nights fretting. I enjoyed my work, loved it even at times, but my anxiety overwhelmed everything else.

So then I had my son a year ago, and decided to further downsize and just take on regular project work, doing max 3 days a week - luckily I have flexible childcare. I thought this would be the best of both worlds, but in fact I am now worse than ever. The minute I get some work in, I panic about getting it done, juggling it with the baby, meeting the specifics of the brief, making an epic fuck-up that blacklists me with a new client or saying no to work that I can't manage.

I spent my son's first birthday party almost on the verge of tears over a complication with one project that hadn't been resolved (that was later easily sorted and that anyone else would have called a non-issue). This is not an isolated incident, my work casts a shadow over virtually all of the free time I spend with my family.

So now I am thinking I should jack it all in and enjoy my son's childhood. Honestly, I was never so happy as when I was on maternity leave. I was relaxed, content, calm - and it showed on my face.

I'm in the fortunate position of not having to work (with some lifestyle changes, sure) but it feels like madness to throw everything I've worked for away because of my anxiety. I have thought that I could think of different career options when I feel ready and try to find something that worries me less, but I think it might just be my personality.

Feel like I am in limbo and about to chuck a decade's worth of experience and contacts down the drain!

What would you advise?

I've know a few people who have planned 12 - 18 month work breaks to be with the DC while young then gone back - DC were toddlers and they'd initally gone back after ML.

Some had to take mortgage break to do it and possible hits to their careers.

I think they all found the going back bit stressful but also exciting and they seem to have made it work in different sectors.

If you did do that you would still need to find help with the anxiety but it could give you another break from it and time to find the right help. Plus you'd get more time with your DS.

I don't see why it would be a pity to "lose" that experience. You get one life why waste it on something that makes you unhappy!

I would walk away either to motherhood or to a different path. If you the anxiety manifests in other things then seek cbt. If not enjoy your life.

We focus way too much on work in this country.

Could you stop working for a set period whilst undergoing some sort of therapy to investigate why this stress manifests itself? Take up yoga and meditation.

I am very similar to you. I have always been very stressed about life in general. I was always very envious of those who could just shrug their shoulders and say 'Hey, that's life!'. I always HAD to work - no choice - and the stress increased hugely after my kids were born. Life with full-time work and three young kids IS stressful but for me it was almost unbearable. After DD (second baby ) was born I had PND quite badly. I took ADs for 6 m and it all seemed OK. But it came back in manifest forms over the next few years on and off and really badly after DS2 was born 4 years later. I lost massive amounts of weight, I couldn't sleep, had constant palpitations and couldn't breathe properly, so so sad and hopeless, I kept crying, just wanted to curl up in a heap and hide. Went back on ADs and have been on them almost constantly since then ()brief break 2 years ago when I ended up suicidal) with their resulting side-effects. It's not good. So please please please....address this now. Stress is good, to a certain extent, but it isn't when it's your usual state.

Oh and I have felt like you in work, agency side made me physically sick.

I walked away and refocused. It worked out and I feel only normal levels of worry now.

Is it desirable or even possible to avoid situations where you need to work though? It just seems too much to throw away rather than seek to address the issue. Being at home may be the right thing at the moment when your child is young but you don't want to feel you can't use your skills at some point in the future. A lot of women find they lose confidence and its hard to regain it even without suffering from the high anxiety that you do. It would be sad to not face this problem - it sounds as though you have actually been very successful in education and your professional life; it's the irrational anxiety which is stopping you from seeing that.
In your situation I would either continue working part time or give up temporarily BUT seek medical advice at the same time. Otherwise you're masking the problem, not addressing it

I think you really do want to be a stay at home mum, it is where you want to be at this moment in your life and there is nothing wrong with that. Do what makes you happy.

I don't seem to be as stressed by motherhood as I am with work.

It maybe that you will be happier and less anxious if you give up work. But, up until now you have still had work as part of your life, so you don't know that your anxiety won't find a new focus if you close that particular door. I know you said how happy you were when on maternity leave, but you would still have known that you would be returning to work. And the bit about worrying about the short term and not the bigger picture? That is because if you look at the bigger picture you see that the worry in perspective, so the anxiety makes you focus on the minutiae is that it can feed of that.

I agree it would be a great pity to ditch my job altogether, particularly when it could offer such a good work life balance, if I could learn to compartmentalise a bit better.

I'm not saying you should ditch your job but I would say, having been through this and (kind of) come out the other side, that by ditching a job you are not necessarily throwing everything away. It is still part of you, your history, part of your skills and experience. Not working really makes you look at your identity when you can no longer define yourself by your career. I'm not saying it is plain sailing either - i now worry about getting back in the job market, what kind of role model i'm being for dc, being financially dependent on dp etc etc. Do you think you could learn to compartmentalise? How would you go about learning to do this? Why can't you do it now? How does your dh do it? Would you still have high levels of anxiety at work? Do you really think that it wouldn't still affect you physically and emotionally when you are home? You still wouldn't be resolving the underlying issues.

While I know it's ridiculous, I honestly believe at the time that my problem is the biggest problem anyone could have at work and that I could lose my job or my reputation in one step.

This isn't ridiculous at all. This is what anxiety is. It is an out of proportion response to something that probably won't even happen, and if it does the consequences are unlikely to be anything like what you fear. It is responding to something like a deadline in the same way as if you were being pursued by a pride of very hungry lions.

I think your choice is either to continue at work and get help with the anxiety, or be at home and get help with the anxiety. Which one is up to you and what you really want in your heart, but you really do need to seek out some professional support.

Actually, thinking about my DH again, he is fine at home when he is working. If he has a couple of weeks holiday, he starts to stress about the house - whether the roof is ok etc - or about his parents' health.

When he works, it focuses the anxiety on work, but currently to a controlled level.

I think, regardless of whether you stay working or leave, you ought to look into CBT etc.

I think you should call time on work for a bit. You sound young enough to pick up your career again, or retrain, especially if you have flexible childcare.

I was like you. I always felt I wsan't good enough at work. I couldn't't switch off, and spent weekends worrying. I would count the hours at work, and had a constant knaw ing sensation in my stomach. I enjoyed my work, was conscientious and good at what I did. I became a sahm for a while, doing casual work while dd was in school. I would not contemplate going back to work properly or even using childcare because I felt that this would make me a less than worthy mother.

Now I obsess about the state of the house, the decor, and how dd spends her time. Iinstead of relaxing during the summer hols, I constantly worry about whether dd is happy.

I constantly feel pressured, so it must be my personality. I wish I wsan't like it, but there you go!

Yoga helps me, as does lots of very physical activity. I think mindfulness would too.

Sounds like u might be happier home then. Look really just give it a go. Don't like it? Change again. Not going to kill u either way is it?

Good luck

Haven't read all the responses though you have had some good advice. I would say yes, by all means be a sahm OR just try and find an easier job, a "no pressure,don't think about it when I am not there" job that would build your confidence up a bit and keep your hand in the world of work. This is coming for someone who has spent the last five years in a part time job that took over my life at times. Looking back I wish I had have gone for the easier option as I will never get that time back with my kids. Yes, I was physically there for them much of the time but I was not "emotionally available" as I was always thinking about this bloody job! Not even that well paid. What on earth was I doing?? If you are going to be part time, be properly part time, that's my advice for what it's worth.

Could you think about a change in career rather than giving up work completely? Or a year or two out to study for some new qualifications?

I ask because I gave up a 10 year career to be a SAHM (moved abroad with DH's work) and it's driving me round the twist! It is boring and isolating and I find that instead of getting stressed about deadlines now I get stressed about playdates and milestones and other rubbish.

I didn't enjoy my career either, especially not the last 2 or 3 years before I had DS but now that I am out of the workplace, have lost touch with all my contacts, I feel even more anxious about ever getting back to work again.

If you leave completely to be a SAHM, it's always going to be a temporary thing so you'll just be temporarily running away from your anxiety. Unless you want to be a SAHM for life, a pretty rare choice, then you'll have to go back to work some time. I think looking at a change in career might suit you better than walking away from work entirely.

Of course a year out to think about things would be an option too. Set yourself some goals and deadlines though - don't just walk away from your career with no aim in mind as that's what I did (kind of, not 100% voluntarily) and I regret it.

The other thing to consider is that a happy functioning 9 month old can be a stress relieving joy to be with- u

Whoops - your baby is neither walking or talking - 4 years on and you will have playground politics, more decisions to make than you ever thought possible.
In a few years they will make their own friends, then begin to want independence.

Please consider this in advance as one 9 month old is not reflective of the stress of parenthood.

Can't sounds like a good plan

Also I think for most people at a certain level there is always going to be an element of imposter syndrome

CBT sound like a plan - cant?wtf

I would say have some therapy to find out why you put such pressure on yourself, who you are really seeking approval from, and how to manage symptoms better in the meantime until things get resolved. I think if you jack it all in you might feel a failure (knowing a bit about this mindset being built similar!), plus it is always a bad idea to let anxiety win. Also I bet if you stopped work all together this anxiety would crop up somewhere else you might get like it on behalf of your dc which would be a shame. Work through it I say and don't give up on all you achieved through all that blood sweat and tears.

I suffer from anxiety too. A couple of years ago it reached crisis point and I ended up on citalopram. It helped me so so much and I got back on track. My anxiety seems to manifest itself through work. I don't know why this is, I'm not in an overly stressful job but I need to be perfect at work, as though I feel I have to prove something (I think it comes from my dodgy childhood where I was always belittled and put down and I don't want to let them down - stupid I know).

Anyway after stopping citalopram (I also use beta blocker propranolol) I went for hypnotherapy and that really helped with my anxiety. It tackled my past and allowed me to love and accept myself for who I am).

I'm not perfect and still have blips on work days but I can manage this with the propranolol when it's bad and I no longer have massive panic attacks, just mild anxiety feelings.

Weird how work is the trigger for both of us.

How do you feel at your (annual ?) reviews ?

To be in your current position, you must be getting good feedback.

If you don't feel the symptoms in your everyday life, outside of work, then it may just be that you're in a type of work that doesn't fit well with your personality.

Might it be worth thinking about what sorts of things you really enjoy doing, find relaxing, do as hobbies etc. And possibly working out some kind of self-employment in one of those areas?

I have a lot of trouble with anxiety too, and haven't helped myself by working in a high-pressure job. But if money wasn't an issue, I'd love to have a go at making a job of the things I really like (programming and art in my case). Or maybe there's something new you'd like to learn or skill-up in?

Just brain-rambling and throwing out ideas. Good luck!

Hi op, why don't you wait until dc is at nursery (if thats in your plans), then, say, do 2 days a week working from home? 2 days isn't a lot and keeps your hand in the job market.

The other 3 days you could spend doing the cleaning at your leisure, combining this with time to yourself, watch a funny film.

Until then enjoy this precious time with your dc, because that time will go oh so quickly.

Sorry if my advice might not be valid seeing as I don't have any dc's, but my friends who have them complain at how fast the time goes.

And yy to CBT.

Good luck xx

Agreeing with other posters to try therapy again, don't be put off by a therapist you didn't click with, try again because it will make a massive difference if you feel comfortable with them and build up a trusting relationship (a therapetic connection between therapist and client is the biggest factor is successful CBT).

I think that if you want to be a SAHM and can afford that - great, go for it. BUT, do it from a position of real choice, rather than being too crippled by anxiety to be able to face working.

Your idea that if you make a small mistake you are a complete failure and will be ruined forever is a really classic cognitive distortion. It is black and white thinking: ' If I don't complete every task perfectly I am a complete failure.' CBT would help you identify and challenge these negative thoughts.
To stay at home or not is a really personal decision but it would be a shame if running away from work pressure is a major driver. It would be better if you were running towards the positives of being a SAHM. Usually things you are running away from are internal to some extent and its wise to consider underlying reasons or its likely that it will come back.