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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to still really not like this person after all this time?

64 replies

Grudgeypants · 15/08/2013 17:05

Back in uni I joined a club and made friends with this girl. I thought she was really lovely and we got on like a house on fire.

Also in this club was this boy who I had a massive crush on at the time and told her.

She then proceeded to make a play for him soon after and they got together.

I got over him quickly because it was just a silly crush anyway and a few months later met the man who is now my DH of many years and we have a gorgeous DD.

And I never really continued the friendship with the girl. Things didn't end acrimoniously but as time and exams marched on things just faded.

I haven't seen her for years but an opportunity has come up to join a group that she attends and I just don't know how I will react should I see her again. She is married to the bloke and I'm glad it's all worked out for everyone. But I still can't completely forgive her for knowing I liked the boy and pursuing him. If she had said 'hey I think I like him too' I would have understood and forgot about him when I realised he liked her. But I felt and still feel friends shouldn't do that to each other. It's more about the betraying my trust than anything else.

Any pearls of wisdom or smacks in the face?

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 15/08/2013 17:07

Well, the joke's on her, isn't it, because she ended up with him and you're perfectly happy with your own husband. She must feel a bit of a fool. No, I wouldn't trust her and wouldn't want to be friends with her.

TheTurdsOfMisery · 15/08/2013 17:09

Gather your dignity up, deck it with flowers and good karma and GO to the event. Make out like you don't remember how they came to be together. Make out like you barely remember either of them.

And really - really? Could you get with someone just to piss someone off? Someone you didn't fancy but were doing it to get the upper hand? Kiss them and everything even though they did nothing for you? I couldn't. I bet you couldn't. And I bet she didn't - it was just your perception of events at the time.

YouTheCat · 15/08/2013 17:09

I'd just not bother with her tbh.

Teeb · 15/08/2013 17:16

Honestly? She's married this man. It wasn't some point scoring exercise you seem to think it was against you, they just fell in love. Should they have held back on that because of your vague crush you got over sharpish?

FastWindow · 15/08/2013 17:20

Firstly, how much do you want to join the group?

Is it possible she really didn't realise how much you liked him? If you said something like ' hmm who's that, he's nice' that could just have been taken as a casual observation.

Unless you were like me and bored the EARS off your poor friends with how much you liked this or that boy and therefore there could have been no question she was treading on your toes?

Sounds to me like you would like some explanation/ apology from her but probably you know deep down it's a bit late for that as everyone has moved on.

DontActuallyLikePrunes · 15/08/2013 17:21

Why would she feel like a fool?

DontActuallyLikePrunes · 15/08/2013 17:23

Anyway: I wouldn't join. But I dont much like groups anyway. I'd just feel murderously awkward, I think.

gobbin · 15/08/2013 17:30

You're both married, it was well in the past, you're acting like a teen.

Go along to the group and act like the adults you (now) are. She bagged him, you didn't. Life has moved on!

LaurieFairyCake · 15/08/2013 17:32

But she's married to him as in long-term-forever

Unless you honestly, hand on heart think he was the one you were going to marry then yer being daft as a brush

Ev1lEdna · 15/08/2013 17:38

I agree with Teeb this obviously wasn't about you at all. She is married to him and you are married to someone else. You say yourself it was just a crush and you got over it pretty sharpish, it clearly wasn't 'just a crush' for her as she has made a life with this man. What exactly are you really concerned about? Surely this was all quite a while ago? If you are interested in the group, join it and if you don't want to know this woman as a friend be vaguely polite, no need to take it further.

Original poster

Grudgeypants · 15/08/2013 17:40

Ok thanks for the responses.

I don't think it was a point winning thing, obviously not as they are married and even if they split up shortly after they got together that's not the issue for me.

The issue is that she knew (and she definitely knew, we were close at the time and I confided in her how much I liked him) and still did it. She's obviously in the All's Fair In Love and War camp and I'm not.

I would just feel awkward seeing her again. She went behind my back and that's what I didn't like.

I don't want an explanation or an apology. They're happy together, I'm more than happy with my husband. I think (and I'm sorry of this is drop feeding) I just think if I went up the group I would feel awkward seeing her again when I knew she didn't really care about my friendship enough to be honest with me in the past.

I don't think I'm explaining myself very well!

OP posts:

LRDYaDumayuShtoTiKrasiviy · 15/08/2013 17:42

Sorry, but I think this is daft.

You don't end up married to someone because you made a play for them. It's not like this bloke is some inanimate object, and you wanted to pick him off the shelf but she ran ahead and grabbed him first - he actually has to like one or other of you. Clearly, he liked her enough to marry her.

Yes, maybe it'd have been nice if she'd say 'you know, I like him too', but maybe she hadn't quite sorted her feelings out yet, or maybe she didn't know how to say it - you were at university, you were both pretty young.

I think it's absolutely ridiculous to be thinking about it now.

Original poster

Grudgeypants · 15/08/2013 17:45

And I would really like to the join the club, it's doing something I used to love doing a long time ago. Although I think I would be very nervous to go anyway because a lot of people who go to it now were in it back then and it was very cliquey and bitchy. Honestly, I'm scared they'll not really want me there.

So yeah I'm being a bit teeny really, never really got over the fear of rejection!

OP posts:

Original poster

Grudgeypants · 15/08/2013 17:46

Again, I'm not bothered about the bloke. It's about her.

OP posts:

LRDYaDumayuShtoTiKrasiviy · 15/08/2013 17:49

I get that you're not bothered about the bloke.

But I don't see why you're characterising what she did as somehow wrong.

HighJinx · 15/08/2013 17:49

I would decide whether to go based on how important the group that she attends is to you.

I don't think you avoid going to something you really want to do just because she will be there. But if you aren't that bothered by the group as a whole anyway then why bother?

Libertine73 · 15/08/2013 17:50

Yes, I think you should go, and maybe grow up a little too? It's ancient history, I bet she'll be really chuffed to see you again, as you said there was no acrimony, think you're making way too much of it.

Go, if you like it, keep going, if you don't? Meh, don't go again!

StuntGirl · 15/08/2013 17:52

You're being silly. You're both happy and married. In the nicest possible way this is such a non-issue

Go, and enjoy yourself!

FrigginRexManningDay · 15/08/2013 17:52

Maybe she really fancied him and when you said you had a crush on him it gave her the kick up the arse to ask him out.

I think you should get over it,you sound obsessed with this woman.

HighJinx · 15/08/2013 17:54

I just saw your last posts.

Join the club and give it a go. You can always leave if you don't feel it's for you.

Stop over thinking it and enjoy yourself

sorryitsanotherpilone · 15/08/2013 18:01

you sound like you are still at school uni!

your friend obviously met the love of her life as did you a few months later.
you don't even know if this guy liked you anyway. tbh if he got with your friend and they're still.together now they obviously really love each other.

if you genuinely met someone you loved and they loved you back and most likely weren't interested in your friend who had a crush on them would you genuinely say no and give up on someone you love rather than upset a friend? spend the rest of your life single because of it. I wouldn't sorry!

you weren't seeing him it's not like she cheated and you got together with your dh a few months later. hardly the crush of the century on him. I think you sound silly.

SuckAtRelationships · 15/08/2013 18:04

^ This.

Original poster

Grudgeypants · 15/08/2013 18:05

Nope. I'm not obsessed. I haven't thought about her for years. It was only when a mutual friend told me about this group (it's a singing group) and asked me to come along I felt a bit weird about it all.

And I'm not being immature. It is ancient history. But also I doubt anyone who had been hurt by a friend a long time ago wouldn't feel a bit awkward when seeing them once more. I know I'm being a bit silly and over thinking it. I've been unsettled by a reminder of something that upset me in the past. I am going to go to the club though.

OP posts:

Original poster

Grudgeypants · 15/08/2013 18:07

No I wouldn't say no but I would tell my friend first.

It's the Joey/Chandler/Kathy thing innit. I just wish she'd have told me first instead of saying randomly one day 'by the way X and I shagged last night'.

OP posts:

sorryitsanotherpilone · 15/08/2013 18:12

I'd say just go and enjoy the club then see what happens / how you feel. if she seems happy to see you go along with it. if you get the impression she is put out you're there pretend you don't even recognise her.

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