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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to still really not like this person after all this time?

64 replies

Grudgeypants · 15/08/2013 17:05

Back in uni I joined a club and made friends with this girl. I thought she was really lovely and we got on like a house on fire.

Also in this club was this boy who I had a massive crush on at the time and told her.

She then proceeded to make a play for him soon after and they got together.

I got over him quickly because it was just a silly crush anyway and a few months later met the man who is now my DH of many years and we have a gorgeous DD.

And I never really continued the friendship with the girl. Things didn't end acrimoniously but as time and exams marched on things just faded.

I haven't seen her for years but an opportunity has come up to join a group that she attends and I just don't know how I will react should I see her again. She is married to the bloke and I'm glad it's all worked out for everyone. But I still can't completely forgive her for knowing I liked the boy and pursuing him. If she had said 'hey I think I like him too' I would have understood and forgot about him when I realised he liked her. But I felt and still feel friends shouldn't do that to each other. It's more about the betraying my trust than anything else.

Any pearls of wisdom or smacks in the face?

OP posts:

NotYoMomma · 15/08/2013 18:20

are you 14?

grow up ffs

TerraNotSoFirma · 15/08/2013 18:25

How old were you both when this occurred?
How old are you now?

I did some pretty awful stuff between the ages of 18-21, I'd like to Think I am a good person who just made some bad decisions when younger.

I'd hate to think someone held my behaviour against me from back then.

SofiaVagueara · 15/08/2013 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Original poster

Grudgeypants · 15/08/2013 18:47

Silly me forgot there are some snotty twats on AIBU. If you read my further posts yeah I know I'm being a bit silly, it's nothing to do with the bloke and I'm not 14. I'm worried about seeing someone who upset me jb the past.

Ah well, nice little induction into AIBU for me.
Thanks to all who responded and weren't utter bitches about it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Grudgeypants · 15/08/2013 18:49

We were in our early 20s when this happened and now in our early 30s.

OP posts:

TheCatIsUpTheDuff · 15/08/2013 19:09

In our late teens, a friend did this to me. At my birthday party. Neither of us ended up with the guy, but I held a grudge against the girl for years. We then met up again at a mutual friend's wedding, and found that we got on really well, so I've let bygones be bygones. I still wouldn't trust her 100% without knowing her better but I'm conscious that I did some pretty shitty things when young and foolish, and I'm grateful that some people I treated badly have forgiven me.

I wouldn't let her spoil your enjoyment of the group or your life any more. Try it and see.

Alisvolatpropiis · 15/08/2013 19:12

I'm afraid I fall into the same camp as your former friend and so can't actually see what she did wrong.

You are clinging to this grudge a bit. I mean, she really didn't do anything that terrible.

TheBitchDoctor · 15/08/2013 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Xmasbaby11 · 15/08/2013 19:22

I don't think it's a big deal if you only had a crush on him. I mean, it may have been cruel at the time, but I wouldn't hold that against her.

maddening · 15/08/2013 19:28

I think it's time you let it go - if she stole your bf then I would understand - but this is a childish thing you are still angry about - it's like licking the glass/ cake to lay claim to it first - so you both fancied him and he liked her more - you can't shout dibs on a person!

seriously you can't judge a whole person so badly base on just this - if you liked her other than this then why not catch up, let it go and see if you're people who enjoy spending time together?

pumpingprincess · 15/08/2013 19:29

I'm so glad that I have a bad memory. I just forget to remember that I was holding a grudge against someone. Life is just too short to let something that happened a decade ago spoil your present and future!

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos · 15/08/2013 19:35

Grudgeypants totally get why you feel what you feel. I have had a similar (not identcal) situation. Rationally, I know that as an adult I can meet people socially and just get on with it, but I would also prefer not to (even if nothing stronger than that) meet someone who did something like that to me, however long ago. Even if she didn't do it deliberately, etc. etc., it still hurt you and I understand why you don't want to be reminded of that.

youcantplayonbrokenstrings · 15/08/2013 19:44

If you could be sure she did it to spite you, then fair enough.

When I was Uni age I had a similar situation with a friend of mine, but the other way around. We had a mutual friend who I had always liked, he didn't live locally but used to visit a lot. One of my friends made it really obvious that she liked him, I'm sure he must have known, but it was very clear to everyone that he wasn't interested in her.

Whenever she caught me chatting to him she'd sit herself down in between us and try to stop us talking. She used to also 'jokingly' make comments like "get your hands off my man".

He wasn't her man. He didn't fancy her. He liked me and I liked him.

We did end up together and my friend was absolutely DELIGHTED when it all went wrong for us.

You don't own someone because you like them.

gobbynorthernbird · 15/08/2013 19:49

Well, given that anyone who disagrees with you is being an utter bitch, I'm not surprised that your friend didn't take your feelings into account.

pianodoodle · 15/08/2013 20:00

I think if I told my DH I didn't want to see someone because they got together with a man I once fancied he'd feel a bit insecure and maybe even hurt.

It's OK saying it's not about the man but from that perspective it would be hard not to wonder if you felt you'd missed out.

TheTurdsOfMisery · 15/08/2013 20:02

Is this the worst thing anyone's ever done to you? Are there other events from your past about which you still bear a grudge?

TotsAway · 15/08/2013 20:06

I've also been in kind of the reverse of this situation and think YABU - you can't stake your claim on someone and no-one, however good a friend they are, owes you 'warning' to 'make a play' for someone (unless you're already in a relationship with them!)

In my case I became friends with a guy in college, fancied him a bit, and a friend of mine decided she fancied him, going all out to 'bag him' as it were. Instead of getting huffy though I took the adult view that if they liked each other then great, if not I'd get my chance later. Ironically I very quickly went off him (and off her when she got increasingly jealous if I even went near him or spoke to him) and after about a year they broke up anyway - and then he decided he'd made a mistake and 'should have chosen me' - which by then I didn't give a flying fart about.

Your friend was entitled to 'make her move', you didn't own the guy, and it sounds like they both feel like it was a good thing. Unless there's some jealousy harbouring there then let it go!

aldiwhore · 15/08/2013 20:16

If I was your ex-friend, I probably would not be sorry as I am with the man I liked but felt I couldn't say anything about because my ex-friend had already mentioned it, I wouldn't be sorry for finding an opportunity to make my move on him, I would be grateful to my ex-friend for perhaps giving me a sense of urgency with my now DH, and I would feel sad that although I probably did her a favour in the grand scheme of things (after all, my ex friend met and married another guy and they have a gorgeous dd) I would feel sad that my ex-friend still held a grudge.

I would probably just like to get on with my friend, be in touch again, maybe one day have too many wines and talk about that festering white elephant. Then hug, laugh, and realise that good friends, great friends, don't always follow meme rules about what friendship should and should not be.

Grudgeypants What she did simply wasn't cricket, but I don't believe she did it out of spite if she's still married to the reason she put herself before you. I would hope that you can rediscover a good friend, but it would require you letting go of the past and looking at how it all turned out.

Rowlers · 15/08/2013 20:35

I was in similar situation at college. Friend made it clear she fancied this bloke. He didn't fancy her. I met him. He fancied me. He made advances. I kept quiet as I knew how she felt and didn't want to hurt her feelings. Not much came of the situation and it fizzled out quickly - he admitted he was struggling to get over another girl he was clearly in love with, and I wasn't that interested in him. Anyway, a while later my friend found out and never spoke to me again. Wouldn't listen to any explanation. Was convinced I was the devil incarnate. Crazy. While I understand her reasoning, I still find it odd that she took it so personally and deeply. She threw away a good friendship. She would clearly see things more from your point of view, however.

cory · 15/08/2013 21:01

But you weren't going out with this bloke; he was not yours in any conceivable sense of the term; she didn't take anything from you because you didn't have it. Should the poor boy have missed out on the love of his life because you had a crush on him, even though he was not in love with you?

You would NBU if the two of you had been going out and she had deliberately set out to split you up. But why she should have held her hand- and risked him falling in love with some third party- when there was no reason to believe he would ever fall for you, no I don't get that.

SofiaVagueara · 15/08/2013 21:35

In this situation a decent person would have felt a bit wistful, totted it up to experience and wished them well. I think being angry at the time would BU. Let alone years later.

TBH, I'm of the opinion that people who expect others not to pursue relationships because it will put their nose out of joint are being selfish. Why should other people sacrifice their happiness just because someone has 'staked a claim' on another human being? They have no right to do that.

DoJo · 15/08/2013 21:51

I think you are getting a bit of a harsh ride on here - it's understandable to be wary of someone who you feel has betrayed your trust in the past, even if it is over something which, with the benefit of hindsight, seems petty. I would just go along and see how you feel - it might be awkward, it might be fine, you might not like the group anyway, but give it a go and see how the land lies. The worst case scenario is an awkward evening and you never going there again after all...

hamab · 15/08/2013 21:52

I really don't get this. You both know a bloke. You fancy him. But presumably he doesn't fancy you or your crush would have led to something. He gets on with your friend and it leads to something. How is that wrong.

Could understand if you'd had a relationship with him - but you haven't.

You just said you liked him first. That doesn't mean nobody else you know should have a relationship with him.

SpeedwellBlue · 15/08/2013 22:36

Is it possible that the guy fancied your friend all along and he made a move on her but it just looked like she initiated it?

SpeedwellBlue · 15/08/2013 22:40

I do think she told you in an insensitive way by the way. In her place I'd have at least had the decency to be a bit sheepish when I told you!

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