Quick advice please. Marriage problems. 20 week scan

[pleasehelpme150813]

I need some quick advice please.

I have namechanged.

I will probably drip feed - but will try to round it up.

DH and I usually great. Have the odd row but they are normally sorted out in 24 hours.

We've had a massive row and he's gone to work not wearing his wedding ring (1st time ever)

He thinks I'm being unreasonable. I think he is.

He does lots of stupid things (he admits this) which we row about but we normally talk it through and sort it out - he admits he was in the wrong (ish!) I forgive and we get on with it.

We've had a pathetic row which he won't let go. I asked him to do one thing for me yesterday (reminded 3 times) and he didn't do it. Making me have to cancel my plans. He's lost it because I shouted at him outside his work place.

I have been ill all week but he doesn't seem to notice that I've still carried on as normal and worked and cared for DC.

We have our 20 week scan today and a meeting with a consultant.

He left the house and said he'll meet me there as 'it's my baby too'.

Fine - I really don't want to go to scan in this state but fine.

I refuse to go into a meeting to discuss a traumatic previous birth and plans for this birth not speaking.

I could pretend I'm fine and then bash out the row later but I don't want to.

I don't want to bring anyone else into this but feel I need to speak to my mum as she is quite sensible ... but will then worry about me/us/the baby.

I've text him to say I know he's left without his ring and that he needs to ring me before the scan. I doubt he will but I don't want to be the one to back down again and ring him.

I really do think we can sort this, but feel I'm the one that always lets his unreasonable behaviour go ... and feel I should stand my ground in a situation I believe I am right about (however petty)

This could be the end (I know a lot of petty rows are the straw that broke the camels back) ... this could be another stupid row. But the timing is awful.

On another point - I've given up smoking and stupidly just smoked 3/4 of a cigarette as I was shaking in anger/so upset.

What do I do?

can you not put it out your mind til post scan, honestly if he is at work too then there will not be much time to sort it all out before the scan and will probably stress you more.

he does need to sort himself out tHough but we need more details about the row, as in did he forget something or just not do it out of spite and what was it etc.

tbh I can see why one would be fuming over being shouted at at work. if dh ever did that to me well.... we would also have an epic row as it just isn't done. I woukd be livid

I would ask him not to come to the scan.

But you know him best so only you know if that would notch up the row.

It wouldn't in my life solely because I deal with all medical stuff to do with me and don't take other people but if your not like that then it would be weird.

But coming because its his baby as well as opposed to because you need him is more than petty its mean and manipulative.

I have my 20w scan in a couple of weeks - i would be upset to look back on it and remember DH not being there because of a row. I can see why you would want him there OP.

Don't smoke any more. Try to calm down. I imagine your DH will calm down somewhat while he is at work, so let yourself do the same. Have a light snack, distract yourself with TV or whatever. This will all pass.

I hope that he rings you before the scan. Is there a particular time he will do this? A break time?

If you don't hear from him then i think you should go to the scan a little early and see if he meets you there early too. Try to have a few words together before you go in.

I feel for you OP. I had a big barny with DH 2 nights ago and was distraught. We don't row allot, and my hormones are magnifying everything to screaming pitch at the moment. It felt like the end of the world.

Let us know how you are.

I agree shouting at him at work is unacceptable. He is obviously upset.

However I agree with either clearing the air before the stressful appointment or taking someone else with you instead or going alone. I'd give your DH the choice but say that you are not prepared to go into ?

It sounds like you both need to learn better ways of communicating - whatever the reason shouting at a spouse at a workplace is not on.

If you are rowing a lot you need to look at ways to resolve it.

Good luck with the scan.

I dunno sock, I usually agree with you but u don't think it's manipulative to want to see your baby's scan in this situation.

Right op.

This argument.

Will whatever it's about honestly still bother you in a years time? Because if not, LET IT GO even if you are the one who backs down. If it will, then perhaps you need to change your appointments.

Sounds like you are both stressed out, neither of you have behaved brilliantly, but you know what if it's only a minor thing, I would get over it myself ( rant to us/a friend) for the greater good then once things are calm, discuss calmly why you were so upset.

Can you arrange to meet a few minutes early before the scan and just say, hey, I will really need your support in there b/c of traumatic last birth, I know we are fighting, but I love you, you love me, we will work it out, so could we just put it aside until later?

I know you don't want to back down but it's not really backing down on the issue. It's just being sensible about the scan appt. b/c it is more important than the fight for the moment. You can go back to the problem that caused the fight later.

Don't feel bad about the 3/4 of cigarette. Just get rid of any you have around so you aren't tempted again, and then put it out of your mind.

I think there is blame on both sides here OP. Shouting at him at work was wrong but then I don't know what he forgot to do. Going to work this morning without his wedding ring was cruel, especially since you have such an important event today.

I would not want him coming into the scan with me without resolving the argument. However, it is an important moment for both of you so hopefully he will do the right thing and get in touch with you beforehand.

I'll be back shortly to reply properly - but re work. It was outside in the car park where no-one would have heard me, I then called him back to which he screamed at me and stormed off, leaving me to load 2 heavy items into my car which he had been storing at work for me. It wasn't in an office environment as some may imagine.

I really think this is not the day for point scoring ... ie - ''you're not coming to the scan unless you apologise''.

You've had a big row. You've both probably done/said things which are less than pleasant. Do the grown up thing and get through today as best you can.

You can talk it all out later on.

Try to relax.

What was it you asked him to do that he failed to do? Was it something he thought you should have done yourself?

He thinks I'm being unreasonable. I think he is.
He does lots of stupid things (he admits this) which we row about but we normally talk it through and sort it out - he admits he was in the wrong (ish!) I forgive and we get on with it.
Sounds like on this occasion he isn't willing just to hold his hands up and now down to you. Sounds like you're not liking this.

We've had a pathetic row which he won't let go. I asked him to do one thing for me yesterday (reminded 3 times) and he didn't do it. Making me have to cancel my plans. He's lost it because I shouted at him outside his work place.
You've overstepped the mark shouting at him in public. Whatever it was he 'didn't do' YWBU

All said, sounds like you are quite demanding, intolerant and are used to him apologising to you which on this occasion, he is not doing. He might be a complete bumpy for all I know but you really need to communicate with him better.

now BOW down to you

bumpy NUMPTY

I'd cancel the scan and make an appointment for a week's time, by which time with a bit of effort you will both have made up.

Agree with boffin - if that's possible. If not, go for keatsie's suggestion of trying to put things behind you til post scan etc

Please don't try and call him at work to sort it out. He won't have the time etc and it could just up the ante and stress you out if he's not answering his phone etc

I was just about to write that I thought maybe there was more to the 'he does lots of stupid things'

But MrsLouisTheroux has put it so much better than I could.

Tbh I think you should think very carefully about asking him not to attend the scan, imagine how you would feel if he told you that you shouldn't attend. If things were the other way round.

He does lots of stupid things (he admits this) which we row about but we normally talk it through and sort it out - he admits he was in the wrong (ish!) I forgive and we get on with it.

Seems to me from this he is the one who constantly backs down.

I've text him to say I know he's left without his ring and that he needs to ring me before the scan. I doubt he will but I don't want to be the one to back down again and ring him.

He thinks this time he is the one who should be standing his ground when he believes he is right. You are projecting the way he feels onto yourself. see below..

I really do think we can sort this, but feel I'm the one that always lets his unreasonable behaviour go ... and feel I should stand my ground in a situation I believe I am right about (however petty)

YABU

Maybe I am being unreasonable as some of you think, but I've been ill for a week and so has DC.

I let a lot go. And am sick of it. He behaves like a child (which he admits) and it's his way or not at all. So I guess letting that go for so many years is my fault and when I do stick up for myself he doesn't like it.

When DC projectile vomited over me last week three times - he 'knew I was on top of it' so went to play football as he couldn't let the team down. I said this was fine although really I just wanted him there.

When DC and I were still ill at the weekend he went to a friends party (which I didn't mind at the time) to show his face for us both and to not let friends down. Party finished at midnight (when most of our friends went home) yet he didn't come home until 3.30am - v drunk and rude to me when he got it. I let this go - albeit after telling him I wasn't impressed.

There are hundreds I could reel off - some petty, some very upsetting.

I just don't want to back down this time. I don't think I should. And if I do it's another one he's 'got away with'. I have admitted I went mad and it wasn't all his fault but he can't admit one jot that if he'd just done what I had politely asked I wouldn't have let said friend down.

As for the thing I asked him to do - I was already an hour late, so I asked him to collect DC (10 minutes away) whilst I did a job for both of us. Then I could put DC in the car and drive off, not letting a friend in need down, and getting the shopping ... as we didn't have anything in and that morning he'd said 'what's going on - why haven't we got anything in?' - I've been ill that's what and you know where the shops are! But he left DC at person's house who was caring for them as they were 'enjoying the garden'. I went mad as I then had to go and pick up DC up myself, politely chat to carer as it would have been rude to just drive off, and therefore miss my friend. It does sound petty but he just thinks my days off work caring for DC are full of fun, coffees and shopping - hah - far from!

So - yes very petty indeed. But it's just cumulated into this big mess :(

I agree with others saying that this isn't the time for point scoring.

It does sound as though you both need to have a very honest conversation and a resolution to start treating each other with a bit more kindness.

I'm looking at this from the viewpoint that you are pregnant, unwell, have a DC who's unwell and are also quitting smoking (not easy!)

I think it would be helpful if he could see things from that viewpoint too. It doesn't mean he has to tiptoe around you or anything but at the same time a bit of extra support and understanding (or a lot!) is what's needed and it doesn't sound like you're getting that...

I don't think you come across well on your op. You start rows with him over little things, shout at him in public and expect him to apologise?
You say he's admitted he's in the wrong, now you need to apologise to him for shouting at him or just let it go.
I can only go off your op but to me it seems you are as much to blame as he is.

Ok just read your other post. I wouldn't call those petty things to be honest. He's putting himself first all the time and that's shit. Have you explained how you feel? He sounds like a bit of an arse.

Some of this depends on the way you see it ... but fathers to be usually have the good sense to realise that they need to be vaaaaaairy careful around pg people and walk on eggshells a bit, tbh. Has be got a mate who can give him a bit of a nudge in this direction?