Quick advice please. Marriage problems. 20 week scan

[pleasehelpme150813]

I need some quick advice please.

I have namechanged.

I will probably drip feed - but will try to round it up.

DH and I usually great. Have the odd row but they are normally sorted out in 24 hours.

We've had a massive row and he's gone to work not wearing his wedding ring (1st time ever)

He thinks I'm being unreasonable. I think he is.

He does lots of stupid things (he admits this) which we row about but we normally talk it through and sort it out - he admits he was in the wrong (ish!) I forgive and we get on with it.

We've had a pathetic row which he won't let go. I asked him to do one thing for me yesterday (reminded 3 times) and he didn't do it. Making me have to cancel my plans. He's lost it because I shouted at him outside his work place.

I have been ill all week but he doesn't seem to notice that I've still carried on as normal and worked and cared for DC.

We have our 20 week scan today and a meeting with a consultant.

He left the house and said he'll meet me there as 'it's my baby too'.

Fine - I really don't want to go to scan in this state but fine.

I refuse to go into a meeting to discuss a traumatic previous birth and plans for this birth not speaking.

I could pretend I'm fine and then bash out the row later but I don't want to.

I don't want to bring anyone else into this but feel I need to speak to my mum as she is quite sensible ... but will then worry about me/us/the baby.

I've text him to say I know he's left without his ring and that he needs to ring me before the scan. I doubt he will but I don't want to be the one to back down again and ring him.

I really do think we can sort this, but feel I'm the one that always lets his unreasonable behaviour go ... and feel I should stand my ground in a situation I believe I am right about (however petty)

This could be the end (I know a lot of petty rows are the straw that broke the camels back) ... this could be another stupid row. But the timing is awful.

On another point - I've given up smoking and stupidly just smoked 3/4 of a cigarette as I was shaking in anger/so upset.

What do I do?

You sound like me except i'm not pregnant. Communication issues. I also let things go when they actually bother me. As my friend kindly pointed out, how is he supposed to know if you don't tell him?

Now is not the time to make a stand. Maybe you could change your appointment. You clearly need to talk things out with him and set some communication boundries. Shouting at work, or indeed outside of your own home, is a big no no for me. I would be bloody fuming regardless of what i had done.

Of course i say this from a never been pregnant perspective.

He's just rang and started it with 'Don't wind ME up as I'm just about to go into a meeting' - I pointed out that I was just about to go into a scan and a very important meeting.

I said I thought we'd both been 50/50 in the wrong - he thinks I'm 100% wrong.

I can't win.

I asked him to meet me at home and put his ring back on before we go for the scan and to discuss.

He said he can 'spare me' 5 minutes before we need to leave for the hospital.

I wouldn't dream of really stopping him going for the scan but I am now dreading the meeting afterwards where I know I'm just going to go on numb mode/cry - which I hate.

Sure everything will be better tomorrow - like it always is hey?

You can't sort this type if thing out in 5 mins.

Use the time to clear the air before the scan. Then agree to discuss later on. TBH, since we've had DS, DH and I find that if we do this, we either can't be arsed to discuss the thing later as we've both moved on or it takes the heat out if things so makes it quicker to resolve.

I'd make a time for a proper chat on Saturday.

He took off his wedding ring? Seriously?

He sounds like a vile and childish man.

Every couple rows but to take his wedding ring off on the morning of your 20 week scan doesn't sound like he values you and the dc very highly.

I wouldn't be impressed with this behaviour and YANBU

I think you both need some sort of marriage counselling TBH.

With another baby on the way the mixture of his selfish/childish behaviour and your (justified) resentment, does not bode well for happy ever after :(

I hope he is mature enough to man up in time for this massively important scan which is immensely significant to you both.

you need a calm chat afterwards, not a row, not you "telling him off " (which is how he will see it and go all defensive.) Just you very calmly laying it on the line about how hurt and taken for granted you feel.

He sounds selfish.

I suppose you could have asked him to stay at home rather than him going out & you seething.

But you've been ill & your child was ill-do men really need to be asked to stay at home in that case?

And as for staying out so late at the party.

I think he needs to learn a new word-compromise!

But coming because its his baby as well as opposed to because you need him

Surely 'because it's his baby too' is the very reason he should be going to the scan. He's not there as the OP's support as much as he's there because he is the child's other parent.

I don't think you come across well, OP. It sounds like you're trying to punish him for something which you admit was pathetic. This isn't the way to do it.

I hope your scan goes ok.

I am never a believer in taking marital problems to family, because while the partners "forgive and forget", those that love one or other tend to hold on to mixed feelings about the partner. However, in this case .... I think you should, indeed, have a go and chat with your Mum!
You say she is sensible, and I do think it will help a lot if you can vent a lot of these feelings before either talking to your partner again, or meeting the concultant.

So many things are factoring into this for you and I am not in any way minimising your feelings, or saying it is your fault, but you do need to recognise what is a usual reaction for you, and what may not be. You have given up smoking ....and that can turn the nicest people into car-crash territory for quite a while. You are 20 weeks pregnant and very hormonal. You are meeting with the consultant, and the issues surrounding that are going to make you feel less than robust.

I don't think your DH is behaving well. Equally, as you know, going to his workplace to have an argument wasn't really the best thing to do, even if the row was only in the car park.
Is this the straw that breaks the camels back? Possibly. But it may just be feeling that way at the moment. Today is not the time to make that sort of choice!

If you were my daughter, I would be saying that you have to be very adult about this afternoons meeting. You may feel " I could pretend I'm fine and then bash out the row later but I don't want to " but actually you need to put the row on hold for that meeting even if you don't feel like it ...because this is about your baby, and that takes priority. End of.

Go and get real life support from someone who knows you both well, so that you can calm down and deal with the hospital in an OK frame of mind.

And think about the rest, when you are calmer.

Does he see the wedding ring thing as a big thing? Or could it just be coincidence that he forgot to put it on this morning?

I've just noticed I haven't put mine on today. I'm not vile or childish. I just forgot.

Forget the ring issue. Make time later and sort it out once and for all. Tell him all that you have been feeling and then let him have his say.

It will just a memory this time next week.

Surely 'because it's his baby too' is the very reason he should be going to the scan. He's not there as the OP's support as much as he's there because he is the child's other parent

In the case of scans I do see them as more of the mother's appointment. It's good for the father to be there but if they are not supportive (not saying this is the case here) and you are only allowed one person with you, I think being there to support the mother takes precedence over whether or not it's their child.

Well I don't.

Clearly

But the hospital don't specify dad has to be there, because it isn't a necessity, whereas having the mother there most definitely is.

Obviously. I'm not sure what your point is. We have a difference of opinion on the reason that the father ought to be, not the necessity of him being there.

My point is only that I would want someone supportive at my scans. If the father wasn't supportive towards me there's no reason for him to be there.

That's just how I would feel.

Fair enough. And I feel that it's manipulative to try to ban one's DH from a scan of his child because of a 'pathetic row'.

My gut response to your OP is just go and do the appointment for your baby, you need to discuses issues re previous and future birth. Try to see it as a separate task you need to do for your baby.

I would hope discussing such important stuff may throw some much needed perspective onto what happened. I would lay it all bare as to how you feel and it may give him a kick up the arse to step up a bit and make some allowances re your hormones and quitting smoking.

I broke down every antenatal appointment. I saw a counselling midwife. I also caught my husband flirting with someone on FB 2 months before birth - I actually thought I was going to leave him - we worked through it. So I have been there and you have my sympathy, its really hard to get your head straight.

I think in this case hopefully the OP's husband will support her and the ideal scenario is having her partner there as he is her husband.

I think he doesn't realise that these hospital appointments can be nerve wracking for the mother and as well as being there to see "his baby" there's always the potential that problems will be flagged up and that involves mum's body or mum's health too, so he needs to be there for both reasons equally.

I think if my husband said he was coming because it was his baby it would make me feel like a baby vessel rather than my own person.

Having said that I'm around the same stage of pregnancy as OP (just had 20 week scan) and I know little things rile me more than usual too!

I think your husband sounds really horrible. Deliberately not wearing his wedding ring (when he normally does) is spiteful.

Leaving you with a sick child and buggering off to football was selfish, as was staying out until 3.30 at a party.

I don't think you are over reacting to him not bothering to collect your child either - if my husband continuously let me down and behaved like a spoiled child I would do more than argue with him in a car park outside work (which is not the crime of the century, under the circumstances).

I can't believe posters are focussing on the arguing outside his work, rather than the other shitty behaviour he subjects you to all the time.

I wouldn't apologise and I wouldn't speak to him about this prior to the scan either.

I think I would go to the scan by myself.

When a man contributes more hassle than happiness, what is the point of staying with them? I think you need to give this some thought, because I bet he doesn't behave shittily at work and that being the case, he is choosing to behave badly with you. If he doesn't care enough about your happiness to stop being a selfish prick then you have to start prioritising your own happiness and wellbeing.

I think your dh is being completely unreasonable.
However, I think you need someone with you for the scan. So I would be inclined to "park" the argument till you get the scan over with.
Then revisit it.

I dunno. IMO you can't say things are fine & that you don't mind when they're not & then get pissed off about them later.

Seems to me like he made a decision without realising how badly it would affect your plans and you totally flew off the handle at him, screamed at him in a public place where his colleagues probably witnessed it and are now refusing to drop it until he just goes along with being the bad guy. Tbh you sound a bit scary.

Maybe you should start meaning what you say/ saying what you mean instead of pretending to be fine about things then silently seething.

I never wear my engagement ring, I don't like wearing jewellery. Are you sure he didn't just forget it?

Good luck with your scan today.

Well, if my DP ever showed up at my work and started an argument with me (in the car park or otherwise), I would be fuming and humiliated. That's not how you handle things, regardless of how pissed off you are.

You really need to learn how to communicate properly, and that goes for both of you. Arguing at someone's work is childish and unprofessional, and it's also childish to want to tell him not to come to your scan. It's his baby too and he has every right to be there if he wants. You don't want to look back and remember banning him from it over some petty row.

If you're not happy with his behaviour (coming home at 3am, etc.) tell him. And tell him when he's sober, not when he's angry and drunk at three in the morning. It's a basic matter of respect to tell your partner if you're going to be late. But you need to talk to him and be open with him and be calm - shouting at him and getting angry isn't going to make him feel better and it's not going to do you any favours.

I really disagree that a man has a 'right' to be at a scan if it makes the mother feel uncomfortable.

Regardless of it being his baby too, he is not the one who is actually pregnant and while that baby resides in the OP, it is up to her to choose the person best able to support her.

Once the baby is born, then I agree the dad and mum should be equally responsible for it.

I dunno sock, I usually agree with you but u don't think it's manipulative to want to see your baby's scan in this situation.

Normally and in the context of a supportive none conflicted partner I would completely agree,its just the whole only coming because of the baby thing and not because you want to offer support to the mum.

Disclaimer ..... We all know I'm a very harsh sort when it comes to this sort of thing

When talking about the OP's situation, I do believe her DH has a right to be at the scan.

There are many, many serious reasons that the father of a child has no right to be there. But the fact that they have had a 'pathetic' argument isn't one of them.