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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Quick advice please. Marriage problems. 20 week scan

72 replies

pleasehelpme150813 · 15/08/2013 07:47

I need some quick advice please.

I have namechanged.

I will probably drip feed - but will try to round it up.

DH and I usually great. Have the odd row but they are normally sorted out in 24 hours.

We've had a massive row and he's gone to work not wearing his wedding ring (1st time ever)

He thinks I'm being unreasonable. I think he is.

He does lots of stupid things (he admits this) which we row about but we normally talk it through and sort it out - he admits he was in the wrong (ish!) I forgive and we get on with it.

We've had a pathetic row which he won't let go. I asked him to do one thing for me yesterday (reminded 3 times) and he didn't do it. Making me have to cancel my plans. He's lost it because I shouted at him outside his work place.

I have been ill all week but he doesn't seem to notice that I've still carried on as normal and worked and cared for DC.

We have our 20 week scan today and a meeting with a consultant.

He left the house and said he'll meet me there as 'it's my baby too'.

Fine - I really don't want to go to scan in this state but fine.

I refuse to go into a meeting to discuss a traumatic previous birth and plans for this birth not speaking.

I could pretend I'm fine and then bash out the row later but I don't want to.

I don't want to bring anyone else into this but feel I need to speak to my mum as she is quite sensible ... but will then worry about me/us/the baby.

I've text him to say I know he's left without his ring and that he needs to ring me before the scan. I doubt he will but I don't want to be the one to back down again and ring him.

I really do think we can sort this, but feel I'm the one that always lets his unreasonable behaviour go ... and feel I should stand my ground in a situation I believe I am right about (however petty)

This could be the end (I know a lot of petty rows are the straw that broke the camels back) ... this could be another stupid row. But the timing is awful.

On another point - I've given up smoking and stupidly just smoked 3/4 of a cigarette as I was shaking in anger/so upset.

What do I do?

OP posts:

McNewPants2013 · 15/08/2013 11:09

You both need to sit down and discuss this, don't stop him from coming to the scan.

If you feel he don't listen, why not text him. This is what I do.

LouiseAderyn · 15/08/2013 11:12

For a one off argument I would agree with you, but he sounds like a horrible, selfish husband. If he can't support her in their day to day lives, I wonder how much support he is going to give as a partner at a scan - already he is saying that he is coming because he has a right to, not because he is also concerned for his wife's well being.

I don't know - this just sounds like a really depressing relationship. The OP is married to a man who seemingly wants all his own way and doesn't do much to actually help her.

YouTheCat · 15/08/2013 11:12

Fwiw, I think your dh is an utterly selfish dickhead.

thebody · 15/08/2013 11:23

well my take on it is you seem to tell your dh its ok to go and play footi( but you didn't want him too) and its ok to go to the party ( but you didn't want him too)

he seems to bumble around not sure of your real feelings and you seem to then expect him to know how you feel and when he doesn't you have a massive row.

you both need to COMMUNICATE more. you both need to LISTEN more and you both need to he a bit kinder to each other.

also for me far more important if all. do you ever laugh together, have fun? it all sounds like WW2 in your house and sorry but your poor dc.

go for the scan and he should go too of course as its his baby too.

then tonight put dc to bed and talk. good luck. oh and forget the fag.

LouiseAderyn · 15/08/2013 11:30

While I would agree that the OP needs to be honest if she doesn't want her dh to do something, I would also say that she shouldn't need to tell her husband and father of her child that it is not okay to leave a pg woman to cope alone with a vomiting child, when he could stay and help her and that it is not okay to stay out all night etc.

Surely these things should be obvious to any halfway decent partner?

WorraLiberty · 15/08/2013 11:36

I was just about to say exactly what thebody said.

He's not a mind reader.

Why do you keep telling him you're ok about him going places, when you're clearly not?

You both sound quite childish here.

TobyLerone · 15/08/2013 11:43

But if she told him it was fine to go to football, how was he to know that it wasn't fine?

LouiseAderyn · 15/08/2013 11:53

I can only say that I wouldn't have left dh to cope with a vomiting child while I did something nice instead. I would have felt that my place was with my child and with him, especially if he was not feeling great himself.

I would also have felt too bad to stay out until 3.30 if I had told my dh that I was just going to pop in and say hi.

Am I unusual?

gobbynorthernbird · 15/08/2013 12:21

I would (and have) left DH at home with a sick child, especially for long standing or prearranged things. Should we both be at home and bored/miserable?

livinginwonderland · 15/08/2013 12:28

If I had an arrangement to go out and DP was ill, but said "yes, you can go out", then I would, strangely enough, go out. He's an adult and perfectly capable of looking after himself. If he was seriously ill and said "look, I can't cope, can you please come home early/cancel" then of course I would, but if you're told it's okay to go, you're hardly going to assume otherwise.

YouTheCat · 15/08/2013 12:40

Would you take the piss though? I think 3am is taking the piss in a big way. Also he said he was just going to pop in, which was total bollocks. If he'd said he was going for a good session then fine but I'd take 'pop in' to mean no more than an hour or two.

It sounds like it's lots and lots of other things as well though.

ilovecolinfirth · 15/08/2013 12:43

Do you two ever get time just to yourselves? Like opportunities to go out for dinner, or spend an afternoon together? Sounds like you might need some quality time.

Also, I'm not trying to shift the blame from him to you at all, because you've given examples where his behaviours been unacceptable, but is there a chance that all these times when he says sorry over petty things that you might be to blame as well? I'm not saying this to be nasty, but I know from personal experience that I will hold off saying sorry over a lot of things, and when I reflect back I'm also partly to blame (and more to blame than I'd ever like to admit).

I know my husband feels like he is always the one who has to say sorry, and in reality I know that I'm far from perfect.

The most important thing is that you need to talk to him, and not try to squeeze out an apology. Try to find out what's niggling him, and when he calms down he might be able to see for himself whether he should apologise. An apology means more when it's not been forced.

Diamondsareagirls · 15/08/2013 12:49

I think it is being pretty tough on the OP to say she is not being open enough. Why isn't her DH stepping up more? It really annoys me that he needs to be told that coming home at 3am is out of line.

OP, I think you need to tell your DH he needs to stop being so selfish and think about you for once. He needs to grow up a bit tbh.

Thumbwitch · 15/08/2013 12:59

It isn't really the point that "she told him it was fine to go to the football so how was he to know different" - anyone with any empathy and half a brain would surely have realised that the right thing to do would be to stay home with your 20w pg wife and projectile vomiting child!

And his behaviour yesterday didn't just have an impact on you and your DC, it had an impact on your friend - and he doesn't actually give a shit about that, does he. Yet he didn't want to let his own friends down by missing a party. Just selfish and inconsiderate.

OP - I really wouldn't bother trying to sort anything out prior to the scan.
I also wouldn't let the ring thing bother you because chances are he's done that out of spite, so don't give him the satisfaction.

BUT - once the scan is over - you both need to sit down and sort this out. He is behaving like an utterly selfish, unsupportive wanker and you are LETTING HIM. Stop allowing this behaviour! It's not doing you any good, it's not doing your children any good seeing this pattern - it needs to stop.

I hope your scan goes well today and that you can get some resolution on this matter WITHOUT you giving in.

Loobylou123 · 15/08/2013 13:41

If I were you, I would take his ring along to the scan and ask him to please put it back on as you need your husband. Apologise for shouting at work, that was unreasonable, but you lost your temper because you felt let down. If you make the first move in making up, hopefully he will meet you in the middle. I wouldn't want to ruin what could be a marvellous memory with an argument.

CSIJanner · 15/08/2013 13:58

Personally as think that if the OP did ask him not to goto football or the party, the husband would have acted pretty much the same way - petulant, self serving and in all honesty, just going on what has been written, I think he would have played football and got drunk even if she said no.

Have the scan with your husband there, do not talk to him about the row beforehand and make it clear if he isn't going to support you in the consultants meeting, he can go get you a hot chocolate or something.

Then talk and ask PP's have said, communicate. Hope it all goes well this afternoon

pianodoodle · 15/08/2013 14:48

Hope you managed to get things sorted enough to relax at your scan.

I would have had him there and avoided the argument on the condition that he wasn't going to be a dick with you during the actual appointment - I think that would be more than fair to ask!

lunar1 · 15/08/2013 16:15

I hope the scan went well op. I think your husband sounds awful. From what you have said it sounds like you have just got used to taking the blame, being wrong and doing what he wants. and yes if you take the blame for this and never stand your ground it will continue.

MikeOxard · 15/08/2013 16:36

I hope the scan was ok. I wouldn't have the scan with dh there in this situation either. He's either there to support you and make the experience better or he can bugger off as far as I'm concerned. It's only his baby too because you are doing the hard work and growing it in your body, so the least he could do is support you while you do that. He needs to suck it up and stop being an arse imo. x

thebody · 15/08/2013 17:20

op in your first line you say,' dh and I are usually great'.

if that's the case then I expect this 'massive row' will be sorted soon.

you are pregnant and had a sick child. no dought you are both under pressure here.

hope the scan goes well, his taking off his ring is as childish as you shouting at him in his works car park.

I think you both need to grow up a little and be kinder to each other here.

you have on dc and another on the way. that's hard but its life.

if you both cant work together and be at least civil and friendly then what's the point?

hope scan goes great and you sort.

vitaminC · 15/08/2013 17:34

It sounds to me like your relationship is off-balance, as he is stuck in a child-like role and you are playing into that by mothering him.

You really need counselling together to understand, and hopefully resolve, the codependent mechanisms in the relationship and work on improving communication between you.

In the mean time, try to disengage. Don't nag or repeat yourself. Tell him things once, asking him respectfully, then trust him to behave like an adult and take responsibility. If he doesn't, let him deal with the consequences, but again, without nagging. You can point out the result of his inaction, but without the "I told you so". He's not stupid by the sound of it, so he'll figure it out...

It might involve biting your tongue a lot at first, but if you want him to "grow up", you need to stop mothering him and allow him to become the man you want him to be!

thebody · 15/08/2013 17:43

it's amazing how different posters get completely different views of people from the same post.

but that's good I suppose.

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