AIBU to ask my MIL to not hold newborn baby immediately after smoking?

[OxfordToLondoner]

MIL is a heavy smoker. With Emphasema. Go figure.

She has been staying with me for last few days to help with DD aged 1wk today. DH hasn't taken paternity leave as is self employed & we can't afford it.

DH has been insistent that I shouldn't say anything about the smoking as he didn't want to make her feel Uncomfortable (the relationship is a little precarious, and she has only been in our lives for the last few years - so this 3rd grandchild is the 1st for her from 'day one', she's a lovely lady and I like her a lot, have never had issues before).

However, when midwife visited 2 days ago I aired my concern and she suggested I asked MIL not to hold DD for 20 mins after each cigarette. Which I did afterwards, and MIL seemed to accept.

Today, just before getting in (cramped) car on way home from park, Mil had a cigarette just before getting in car. So the whole car reeked, and she was sat right next to DD. I had to say something....and said that the whole car stank and I couldn't have DD next to her, and that we'd have to wait a bit before getting in car. We waited 5 mins out of the car and then got back in.

When we got home she told me she wanted to go home immediately.

Which she did. We left on as good terms as possible, hugs, I gave DD to her to hold, pleas to stay and i apologised etc .... But now the damage is done.

Husband is furious with me. Am waiting for him to get home sat in floods of tears. I know I'm right from a medical perspective, but feel
I should have just bit my tongue.

AIBU?! Am I a total cow? Will I actually have done some long term good and made her think about giving up smoking? Is DH going to ever speak to me again etc etc

No YANBU. You had to get tough to protect your baby. That's your job and IMO you did the right thing. Shame on her for putting you in that position.

Smokers don't understand, they think that as soon as they put cigarette out all evidence is gone and if they smoke outside it instantly disappears into the air. She abided by the 20 minute to hold rule but being a smoker didn't understand that being next to you was just as bad. can you ask a neutral person to have a word?

Yanbu...i say that as someone who smoked 20 away for 22 years!

Smokers do stink!!

YANBU . My FIL ,who we loved very much,smoked,we spent years trying to persuade him to stop.
He would avoid picking up the DC when they were babies after smoking but when they got older I found out he would smoke with them in the car,he thought if the window was open it was fine! I think especially for older smokers they don't realize and understand all the facts and statistics about passive smoking.
DD2 would regularly tell him he was stinky and ask him to give up but he laughed it off.
He died last year, on his pathology report, in black and white, as one of the causes of death was written "cigarette smoking".
Even if the risk from limited contact is low, why expose your baby to any risk at all.

Well - I smoked for years. Finally gave up 5 months ago (still on e-cigs sometimes but no more/hair/clothes/home reeking of cigarettes - I love it!). But the point is..when I was a smoker I respected friends & family who didnt want smoke in their home or around their children. I didnt feel it was my place to query whether they were being reasonable about it, or to what level they should take it. My choice to smoke - their choice not to like it. Simple. Stick to your guns - your baby, your rules regarding eliminating possible toxins around your DC. Your MIL is being way too precious about this & your DH would be better off sticking up for you & your DC, not siding with his mother

YADNBU, it was her choice to smoke and you are only protecting your DD, I will be exactly the same and don't want people who have just been smoking holding my baby. It's sad as she does sound like a nice person (who has sadly recked her own health with this habit from hell) but your are right and my Mum was just the same with her Sister (my Auntie), had to wash her hands before holding me. It could be she wasn't too hurt and once it becomes a habit it should be o.k.

My understanding was that having smoked and then holding a baby (so being in close proximity) increased the risk of cot death. That's why my smoker friend showered and changed her dress to hold my newborn. I'm an ex smoker and really am not obsessively anti smoking (the smell doesn't bother me for instance) but to me, it seemed perfectly reasonable for my friend to not increase the risk of harm coming to my PFB.
I think waiting to get in the car was fine. I don't think I'd have done it but only because I would have said something sooner. If you're apologising, I would simply apologise for the hurt caused, not for protecting your baby from potential risk - that is a significant element of your job as her mother.

Of course you weren't being unreasonable. Do you realise how tiny newborn lungs are? MIL seems to have other issues going on. Why is there such a problem with her being aware of smoking? Start as you mean to go on.

My partner smokes and when they were all under 1 - if he smoked we had the change clothes, brush teeth etc drill too.

Your dh needs to understand you are mum, not defer to his own mum.

YADDDNBU

Smoking is a disgusting and filthy thing to do around a baby. She doesn't have much respect for her grandchild when she is making her inhale those foul chemicals.

I despise people smoking around children.

YANBU or were rude in the car, I think. Your MIL could have easily just said, "Ooops, won't happen again", shrugged it off and carried on enjoying both your company. She over-reacted and sounds a little petulant to me. The fact that the relationship has only been getting better for past 3 years, shows that the MIL has or has had issues. I would have said the same thing, OP

Umm I understand her not holding your baby but not allowed to sit next to baby? That's ridiculous! What if you had to get public transport, you could be sat next to someone who just put a fag out. I think you were being totally over the top and if I were you I would call her now and beg her to come back. Your child needs a grandmother and it's a sodding lonely business with no family to help so get her back in. I should think your husband will be furious. There's no medical evidence about proximity to baby after a fag, holding yes, proximity no. You made her feel unwanted and the fact she's ill from her addiction is sad really not 'go figure'.

totally disagree with that appletarts. the op has a 1 week old baby. anyone having been in that position will totally understand the need to protect your baby is all consuming.

well done op. I hope your actions will help your mil to stop smoking and you had a hug at parting. yes by all means write her a letter and tell her how much you love her and all need her in your lives.

your dh relationship with her is difficult but his main relationship is with you and his child.

you would do well to remind him of that and his new responsibilities.

YANBU AT ALL! How selfish of her!

appletarts

Yes that's pretty much my feeling!

YADDNBU in the slightest. Rude, perhaps a little, but I don't' blame you at all, we all lose it sometimes!

Google 'third hand smoke', I'm sure you will find it useful. Anyone who seriously thinks no harm comes from transferred toxins which remain on clothing and breath is deluding themselves. They thought that about passive smoking a few generations ago.

Please do what you feel is right for your child.

My mother was a heavy smoker, she gave up when i was five months pregnant on my first as i had said she wouldnt be able to hold the baby after smoking, that was 13 years ago, and shes never smoked since. I feel really strongly about smoking around children, it makes me feel sick, especially when you see a car drive by, filled with smoke, with children sat there, its disgusting.