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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask my MIL to not hold newborn baby immediately after smoking?

68 replies

OxfordToLondoner · 14/08/2013 18:37

MIL is a heavy smoker. With Emphasema. Go figure.

She has been staying with me for last few days to help with DD aged 1wk today. DH hasn't taken paternity leave as is self employed & we can't afford it.

DH has been insistent that I shouldn't say anything about the smoking as he didn't want to make her feel Uncomfortable (the relationship is a little precarious, and she has only been in our lives for the last few years - so this 3rd grandchild is the 1st for her from 'day one', she's a lovely lady and I like her a lot, have never had issues before).

However, when midwife visited 2 days ago I aired my concern and she suggested I asked MIL not to hold DD for 20 mins after each cigarette. Which I did afterwards, and MIL seemed to accept.

Today, just before getting in (cramped) car on way home from park, Mil had a cigarette just before getting in car. So the whole car reeked, and she was sat right next to DD. I had to say something....and said that the whole car stank and I couldn't have DD next to her, and that we'd have to wait a bit before getting in car. We waited 5 mins out of the car and then got back in.

When we got home she told me she wanted to go home immediately.

Which she did. We left on as good terms as possible, hugs, I gave DD to her to hold, pleas to stay and i apologised etc .... But now the damage is done.

Husband is furious with me. Am waiting for him to get home sat in floods of tears. I know I'm right from a medical perspective, but feel
I should have just bit my tongue.

AIBU?! Am I a total cow? Will I actually have done some long term good and made her think about giving up smoking? Is DH going to ever speak to me again etc etc

OP posts:
maja00 · 14/08/2013 18:40

I would have insisted on her washing her hands, brushing her teeth and changing her clothes as well tbh. DP is a smoker and that was the drill when DS was under 6 months! He had a special smoking coat that was taken off and left in the hallway.

gobbin · 14/08/2013 18:43

Your baby, you rules. Smoking is foul. Standing behind a heavy smoker in M&S yesterday was vile - every time she moved you got a waft of stale smoke - bleurr! I wouldn't want that anywhere near my child either.

WillyandTig · 14/08/2013 18:45

YANBU. She sounds like a selfish cow and your DH sounds like a doormat. He should support you on this :(

Winter123 · 14/08/2013 18:47

No YANBU. She is BU for wanting to be around your DD so soon after smoking. Explain to your DH that it wasn't anything personal, you would have asked anyone to do the same. DD lungs are still developing etc.

Although you haven't put in the reasons for her being out of your lives previously, if it is a new relationship sand DH want you to tread caregilly with MIL, surely MIL should also be on her best behaviour too?!

SuckAtRelationships · 14/08/2013 18:48

YANBU because baby is yours and it is your rules...

YABU because it's all just a bit OTT. It's not gonna do great damage to your DD to be near her GM after she has finished smoking. That is more of a thing you worry about if it is constant (like your partner). For a week or two it's no big deal and you were over reacted n my opinion at least.

I think looking back in a few years when you have no more babies around and no longer have a baby head on you will think you probably shouldn't have said anything.

BUT be positive, you did leave on good terms considering everyone was a little upset :)

pointythings · 14/08/2013 18:48

You don't want your baby to inhale soaked-in smoke from your MIL - you are SO NBU!

And your DH needs to grow a pair, read up on the dangers of passive smoking and support you.

SuckAtRelationships · 14/08/2013 18:50

YWNBU for making your DH go through that drill after every fag BTW - like I say, when it's long term that's when it could do damage and I am both impressed and amused by the drill :o

Wishfulmakeupping · 14/08/2013 18:50

Yanbu please don't feel bad about this you did the right thing for your baby

Dackyduddles · 14/08/2013 18:51

FYI nursery staff aren't supposed to be in contact with children straight after a cig either. Ours def. I'm assuming all. It's because there's nitrogen a and fumes that affect breathing.

So no yanbu

maja00 · 14/08/2013 18:51

Unfortunately the drill did not persuade DP to stop smoking Hmm I am pregnant again now though and am already warning him it will be the same this time!

SuckAtRelationships · 14/08/2013 18:55

I sympathise with you both OP (you and DH)

I smoke, but only at night. Once I am completely sure DS is asleep I have one, and one before bed. I enjoy it so treat it like a treat. It's outside (not stood at the doorway - that is inside IMO) and when I come in it is hand wash, face wash, drink of juice, mint in mouth and hoody off. So your drill, but not enforced by anyone else :o

mellowdramatic · 14/08/2013 19:06

I absolutely hate smoking it's incredibly disgusting and I still have the impression that cigarettes were more important to my M&D than their kids were. My dad has emphesema and my mum has debilitating COPD but still they both smoke 40 a day. They and their house stink but they still won't give up. I HATE it.

Having said that I can't see that "fumes" after smoking would affect your child.

But if this incident gives your MIL food for thought and helps her to think about giving up that would be a good thing.

monicalewinski · 14/08/2013 19:16

Going to against the grain so far I'm afraid!

I think you were unreasonable - not to ask her to wash her hands / wait for a while after cigarette etc, but to tell her she stank so badly that you all had to get out of the car for 5 minutes before you drove home.

That was rude and unnecessary IMO - she was staying to help you out with your newborn as your husband can't, she's already gone along with your requests and then you insult her. I would have gone straight home too if I were her.

Nora2012 · 14/08/2013 19:17

YAabsolutelyNBU and I applaud you for standing your ground. You have to protect your baby and she's in the wring for putting you in that situation. You did the right thing for you and your baby! Be proud, not upset!

sheeplikessleep · 14/08/2013 19:18

So hard OP.
I'm in the same situation, expecting ds3 any day and worried about the same as mil smokes. Luckily, she does wash her hands, but more from point of view of handling newborns (she used to be a midwife) than the smoking. I am going to ask her to wait 20'minutes after each fag before holding DS. Mind you when they're heavy smokers, that stops them being able to hold baby a lot of the time doesn't it!
Yanbu at all. I am going to try desperately to include mil in everything, so the smoking is the only 'issue' I am 'funny' about.

runningonwillpower · 14/08/2013 19:20

OK, I understand the health issues but maybe a wee bit precious???

workingtitle · 14/08/2013 19:21

YANBU. Google 'third hand smoke'.
I'm sorry this happened but you were not wrong, and she was unfair to put you in that position. I hope your DH is understanding (he should be)

Bogeyface · 14/08/2013 19:23

Your issue here is less the smoking and more that your dh is angry with you for upsetting his mother rather than thanking you for protecting your child. Forget tears and his anger, you should go mad at him when he gets in! Remind him what the HV said and ask if he is OK with his mother putting smoking above her gc health.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 14/08/2013 19:24

As an ex smoker I know it's hard to accept that you smell when you smoke...but I hope you didn't tell her she "stank"?

My Mum had to be told about it too...I never said it in a hurtful way.

spottygoat · 14/08/2013 19:25

YANBU when we have dd3 my rule will be 4 hours, clean hands & a change of clothes, i dont give a shit what people think. If they don't like it then don't come and see our new baby. Its mainly my family who smoke and I know my DB will be fine with the rule as he takes my dd's out for full days and never smokes. My sister on the other hand will probably laugh in my face. My other sisters boyfriend smokes and I actually hate him so I don't care about offending him!

I'm an ex smoker and I can't stand the smell so I would have done what you did.

DizzyPurple · 14/08/2013 19:31

There is some research about the effects of passive smoking in young babies. Some of the toxins from smoke can be found in the bloodstream of the babies in close contact with a regular smoker. Try and find it, I don't know all the details but when I read it I was shocked.
She needs to be more understanding about hygiene - hands, clothes etc.
you need to find a system that suits you both though if you want her around to help.

petalsandstars · 14/08/2013 19:46

YANBU I was the same with both DDs as MIL and my sister smoke. My sister understood completely and will change clothes off her own bat if she wants to hold newborn DD2. DH didn't think it was such a big deal and didn't want to upset MIL but I am stubborn and refused to visit unless she washed hands and waited 20mins after smoking. I also suggested she have a smoking cardi so it wasn't on clothes and after explaining the amount of toxins in clothes DH was in agreement - provided it was the same rules for my sister.

As DH is also severely asthmatic and MIL smokes in the house I do not want our children to suffer the same.

OgglePoggle · 14/08/2013 19:46

She's BU for having a cig right before getting in the car with you all. Everyone knows it takes time for the smell to dissipate. Why didn't she have it a few minutes earlier or wait til you were home.

It's nice of her to help (though remember it's not entirely altruistic since she wants to spend time with GD), but she needs to understand the rules.

pianodoodle · 14/08/2013 19:53

If those are your rules that's fine but I do think making so much of this incident was a bit OTT - sorry!

jvc1980 · 14/08/2013 19:55

Dangers of third hand smoke and passive smoking are the reasons I'd have done exactly the same thing as you. It's the reason I won't let anyone smoke near my son (I simply remove him/me from wherever we are), I don't allow smoking in our home. And I told my DH that I won't let him/anyone near our baby (due 31/8) if they've smoked. That include my ILs (they smoke in their homes, so I won't be taking baby there)

Don't apologise, you're looking out for your baby's health. And frankly, stuff what DH thinks. He should be thrilled that you're fighting your baby's corner.

NB I used to smoke - 20 a day - but never near children, only when I was on my own or with friends who smoked. And I brushed teeth/changed clothes/washed hands etc before going near kids.