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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask my MIL to not hold newborn baby immediately after smoking?

68 replies

OxfordToLondoner · 14/08/2013 18:37

MIL is a heavy smoker. With Emphasema. Go figure.

She has been staying with me for last few days to help with DD aged 1wk today. DH hasn't taken paternity leave as is self employed & we can't afford it.

DH has been insistent that I shouldn't say anything about the smoking as he didn't want to make her feel Uncomfortable (the relationship is a little precarious, and she has only been in our lives for the last few years - so this 3rd grandchild is the 1st for her from 'day one', she's a lovely lady and I like her a lot, have never had issues before).

However, when midwife visited 2 days ago I aired my concern and she suggested I asked MIL not to hold DD for 20 mins after each cigarette. Which I did afterwards, and MIL seemed to accept.

Today, just before getting in (cramped) car on way home from park, Mil had a cigarette just before getting in car. So the whole car reeked, and she was sat right next to DD. I had to say something....and said that the whole car stank and I couldn't have DD next to her, and that we'd have to wait a bit before getting in car. We waited 5 mins out of the car and then got back in.

When we got home she told me she wanted to go home immediately.

Which she did. We left on as good terms as possible, hugs, I gave DD to her to hold, pleas to stay and i apologised etc .... But now the damage is done.

Husband is furious with me. Am waiting for him to get home sat in floods of tears. I know I'm right from a medical perspective, but feel
I should have just bit my tongue.

AIBU?! Am I a total cow? Will I actually have done some long term good and made her think about giving up smoking? Is DH going to ever speak to me again etc etc

OP posts:

FirstStopCafe · 14/08/2013 19:58

Yanbu. Your baby's health is the most important thing
I got a leaflet from the hv to give to my bil about smoking and the risks to babies. It included guidance on how long after a cigarette he should wait before holding baby, changing clothes etc. Maybe you could ask for one of those so it's clear the information is not just coming from you being difficult. Your husband needs to support you on this too.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby.

magimedi · 14/08/2013 20:00

YANBU

DS & DDIL told me 18 months ago that were about to start 'trying for a child'.

I gave up there and then. With the help of an e-cig.

I did not smoke when DS was a baby - stupidly reverted to it when he was about 5.

(I am still waiting for exciting news, but can't & won't ask - I long to be a granny.)

maja00 · 14/08/2013 20:03

Third hand smoke is an issue though - if the MIL stinks of fags then the baby is inhaling those chemicals. I wouldn't risk it just to save someone's feelings.

whatsaduckdo · 14/08/2013 20:11

YANBU. I would have freaked out.

AnaisB · 14/08/2013 20:15

I think you were a bit ott saying the car stank and making everyone wait for 5 minutes before getting in.

EmmaBemma · 14/08/2013 20:17

I think YWBU.

It was a one-off, it's not like it's going to be happening all the time. My youngest was in SCBU for a week after she was born. My mum is a smoker, and of course I allowed her a cuddle when she came in to see us, having obviously just had a fag outside. There is no way I would have ruined that first moment of meeting her grandchild for her. It's not like it was going to happen all the time. It's not like I was the smoker, as is so often the case with newborns (in fact, my mum smoked all the way through her pregnancy with me and presumably after I was born). In the scheme of things, really not worth making a big deal over.

When we go to visit her at her house, she smokes outside. Her house still smells a lot, sadly, and we have to wash all our clothes when we come home. But I love my mum and for all the time she sees my children, I really doubt she's doing them any harm.

AppleYumYum · 14/08/2013 20:17

YADNBU, I have this very same issue with ds' uncle, I really cannot stand the smell and I don't want it anywhere near my child. My mum smoked heavily and died of lung cancer recently, so makes my blood boil even more now. It is hard, I have bitten my tongue a lot and tried to get my dh to say something rather than me, I feel as it is his family he should be the one to say something.

I think look at it this way, it is your job to do what is best for your child's health, and sometimes that isn't easy but it is what being a parent is all about. Your dh should be on board with that too, and should not be giving you grief over something he really should have had the backbone to bring up. Dry your tears, you are doing a great job!

maja00 · 14/08/2013 20:18

Actually saying the car stank was a bit much - saying something like "lets give it 5 minutes for the smoke to dissipate a bit so it's better for the baby" would have been fine and hard to argue with.

Bowlersarm · 14/08/2013 20:25

I think YABU.

She's only staying for a few days. She's just come back into the life of your DH. I think you should have bitten your tongue.

MimsyBorogroves · 14/08/2013 20:27

YANBU. I've had to have similar conversations with my own grandmother.

EmmaBemma · 14/08/2013 20:34

The health risks are worrying, sure, but unless you're going to keep your kid in a hermetically sealed room on an island all her life, she is going to come into contact with toxins just as potentially hazardous as the occasional dose of third-hand smoke. I really don't think the risks of such sporadic exposure are worth jeopardizing your relationship with her. And she came to help you out, too!

As for whether you've given her pause for thought about giving up smoking, I very much doubt it. I think you should try to contact her and patch things up, and between you work out a way she can be around her grandchild without you freaking out about it.

maja00 · 14/08/2013 20:36

Why should the compromise be on the newborn's health though, however small the risk is? Surely the adult should be compromising.

McNewPants2013 · 14/08/2013 20:37

I am a smoker and I would say yanbu.

I don't even pick my own DC up after having a smoking and they are 4 and 7 years old

EmmaBemma · 14/08/2013 20:41

maja - the MIL has compromised. She's agreed not to hold the OP's daughter for 20 minutes after each cigarette, as requested by the OP.

She got in to the car without particularly thinking about it, I expect. Smokers don't seem to realise how much smoke clings and smells.

Sondosia · 14/08/2013 20:41

YANBU, and yes - you may have done some long term good. When I was born, my DM told HER DM that she couldn't hold me after smoking. They had a massive bust up but then my nan quit smoking, they patched things up and she hasn't touched a cigarette in 25 years.

midori1999 · 14/08/2013 20:46

YANBU. I absolutely hate smoking. I had to grow up in a house that stank of smoke and had yellow ceilings/walls from all the nicotine and now my mother is dying because of it. She has severe COPD and it will eventually kill her, despite her having stopped smoking now.

I wouldn't even have anyone who smoked to stay in my house, regardless of who they were, even if they went outside to smoke and I certainly wouldn't want anyone who smoked to hold my baby at all. It makes me feel sick to be near a smoker, why would I subject my newborn or child to it?

Famzilla · 14/08/2013 21:09

YANBU. I wish I'd had the guts to tell DM not to pick DD up after smoking. We don't talk now so it's not an issue but I used to sit there and scream silently.

However maybe your delivery in the whole car scenario could've been better, were you a bit impolite about it? Saying "do you mind if we just sit outside for a few minutes", is a lot different to "Urghhh, you stink! Get out my car FFS!".

specialsubject · 14/08/2013 21:16

do smokers really not know that they reek?

and why should the OP do all the giving and the being nice? Use of the word 'stink' wasn't the gentlest but the truth hurts.

MIL has to decide if her addiction (and her health) matters more.

maddening · 14/08/2013 21:26

I can't imagine that any smoker wouldn't realise that unless they make a special effort then of course they stink!

jvc1980 · 14/08/2013 21:28

Thing is, for anyone (i.e. relatives) who is going to visit children/new babies, surely it's not unreasonable to lay off smoking for say, a good hour or so beforehand, and make sure they change? There's so much about this in the media, so it's not unknown dangers.

mumofweeboys · 14/08/2013 21:34

I would give mil a call and explain your really sorry you offended her and that she has been a great help ect but your mw/Hv told you all these things about second hand smoke and they freaked you out.

CoteDAzur · 14/08/2013 21:41

It's not an AIBU situation imho.

Not holding your DD right after she smokes and breathe toxins on her face is perfectly fine, but what exactly did you hope to achieve by telling her that she stank?

If you really wanted her to stay and continue to help you with DD, then it wasn't very smart to insult her.

Famzilla · 14/08/2013 21:48

Considering the MIL is the one coming round to help the OP, I would hardly consider her to be the one "doing all the giving". IMO there is nothing wrong with being polite.

Kt1991 · 14/08/2013 22:06

YANBU.We had this issue with DHs grandmother. We were living with her at the time I was due and for 2 months after our DS was born. She smokes lots and inside too, but she wouldn't go out into her balcony to smoke ( lives in a block of high rise flats) but even when the baby came she was still doing It, and this caused massive arguments between me and my DH. (He's very protective of her) I understand that we were staying at her place, but she just wasn't thinking of our DS's health. I wouldn't let her hold him anytime after she had a cigarette. Even tried to leave a few leaflets out what the MW/HV had given me but she still carried on. Hope your DH is not too mad at you, cause you are defiantly in the right to be annoyed.

Original poster

OxfordToLondoner · 14/08/2013 22:58

Thanks ladies. Realise IANBU but that i was unnacceptably rude in the car. Plan to apologise properly (am thinking a good old fashioned letter) but to get one of those leaflets so she knows IANBU. DH & I have yet to chat properly ... I called him before he left work to tell him & give him the commute home to think about it. He's been out with DSS this evening but I don't think he's mad with me. His mum went through many years of not being in his life (not her fault) and he's afraid I've "spoilt things" but to have a proper relationship I think we need to be honest about important things, and to me this is important. When she left she said when we saw each other next maybe she'll have given up. I really hope for my DC's sakes (plus her DH's DGS who is about to arrive too) that she does, and that we can put this blip behind us.

OP posts:

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