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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pressure from inlaws to circumcise DSs.

74 replies

TeenTwinsToddlerandTiaras · 14/08/2013 11:59

AIBU to tell them that I will not be doing it and they can just bugger off?

DH is from abroad and has been brought up as a Muslim although he does not practise it at all. His father and some others in his family are quite fanatical. All his sister's and brother's DSs have had the snip (including the ones who live in the UK) and DH's mother is particular keeps asking when we will be getting our 3 DSs aged from 11 to 3 'done'.

I am English and don't agree with it. They can get it done themselves as adults if they really want to. I will not be putting them through unnecessary pain. DH has obviously been 'done' and thinks it is better from a hygiene pov but I disagree and have made it clear that I wont agree to it. They have that part for a reason!

We are on 'holiday' (not a holiday for the women) in DH's country now and they are all talking about the parties that have been held for other family member's DSs after being circumcised and telling us to have the DSs done now while we are here.

AIBU to tell them to shut up and not mention it to me again?

OP posts:
Tee2072 · 14/08/2013 12:02

YANBU.

But you've probably got a fight on your hands. Especially if your husband is on their side.

cathpip · 14/08/2013 12:08

Well unless you are both in agreement, your IL's and DH can do little about it. As for the fact it is tradition in their faith, that's fine but its not your faith and even though your DH has been bought up Muslim, as you said he does not practice it, so I would politely decline and let it be known that you are not going to change your mind, EVER!

dimsum123 · 14/08/2013 12:08

Stand your ground. They will pressure you in all sorts of ways. Just hold firm. Your DS needs you to stand up for his right not to be mutilated while he is too little to speak for himself.

blueemerald · 14/08/2013 12:09

I would tell them to shut up and stop talking about parties too- very unfair on young children. I'm sure you won't but I come from a Jewish family and wouldn't let grandma take the dc anywhere on her own this holiday either...

squoosh · 14/08/2013 12:09

Stick to your guns. I think saying that he can decide in adulthood whether circumcision is right for him is perfectly reasonable.

I see you have three uncircumcised sons from ages 11 to 3, I'm assuming your husband is comfortable enough with your views on the matter and hasn't been pushing the issue too much. He should support you in front of his family.

GladbagsGold · 14/08/2013 12:11

YANBU. Tell IL your DC could have a Remaining Intact party instead if they really want a family bash.

waltermittymissus · 14/08/2013 12:13

Tell them to mind their own business.

And come home.

ICBINEG · 14/08/2013 12:13

Have they had a lot of hygiene problems then?

YANBU. stick to your guns. Your children are lucky to have a mother that respects their bodily autonomy!

ICBINEG · 14/08/2013 12:14

yeah I was going to say come home too...many places are really not that safe for English women.

CMOTDibbler · 14/08/2013 12:14

YANBU at all. Your boys can decide when they are adults.

SalaciousBCrumb · 14/08/2013 12:15

Was your DH "done" as a baby though? Can't help feeling your 11 year old might have very strong opinions of his own!

YANBU but I wouldn't like to be you for the rest of the holiday arguing about it. Not being alarmist but you don't think there's any risk the ILs would arrange it whilst you're there, especially if DH is in agreement?

mirai · 14/08/2013 12:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mirai · 14/08/2013 12:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissCookieIsNotABiscuit · 14/08/2013 12:16

Of course YANBU. They're your children, not theirs. Did you and DH not discuss this previously? Or did he assume you'd just do it?

BrokenSunglasses · 14/08/2013 12:17

YANBU to tell them straight, but I would try to be tactful about it otherwise you are basically criticising the decisions they made for their children, which will never go down well no matter how right you are.

MissCookieIsNotABiscuit · 14/08/2013 12:17

Oh God! Hadn't thought of them doing it against your will whilst you're in their country?! Could they do that?!

ICBINEG · 14/08/2013 12:18

hmm what is the age of consent for medical procedures?

MariaLuna · 14/08/2013 12:18

Oh, I feel for you having that much pressure put on you.
But stick to your guns!

I was married to a Muslim who didn't want DS to be circumcised. Thank god!

karinmaria · 14/08/2013 12:19

YANBU. As others have mentioned, I too would be worried they might be whisked off to have it done... Something to be aware of.

Had this issue with my FIL, who had previously also insisted my DH was snipped as a baby. Luckily my DH is against it too but there were a good few disagreements on the matter until we told him he'd had his children and made a decision accordingly. DS is our child and therefore is none of his business with regards to his willy!!

5madthings · 14/08/2013 12:19

Yanbu to tell the, you are not having it done, your dh needs to stand up to his family about this.

Turniptwirl · 14/08/2013 12:20

Yanbu

Don't let your DSs out of your sight while you're there if you suspect there's the slightest chance of DH's family doing it against your will

stopgap · 14/08/2013 12:23

I thought that Muslim boys were circumcised as teenagers?

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 14/08/2013 12:26

Come home. This scenario sounds horrible. I agree with others who say that whilst abroad you might not get much say in the matter.
You are doing exactly the right thing, let your DCs decide when they are 18. Until then stand your ground.
The benefits to circumcision are very small, teach your dcs to wash properly and explain contraception to them. Job done.

Morloth · 14/08/2013 12:27

Tell them you don't agree with genital mutilation.

javotte · 14/08/2013 12:31

YANBU. We are exactly in the same situation (DH brought up a Muslim, now 100% pork-eating, alcohol-drinking atheist). It is mutilation.
I agree with Turnip - don't let them out of your sight.