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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pressure from inlaws to circumcise DSs.

74 replies

TeenTwinsToddlerandTiaras · 14/08/2013 11:59

AIBU to tell them that I will not be doing it and they can just bugger off?

DH is from abroad and has been brought up as a Muslim although he does not practise it at all. His father and some others in his family are quite fanatical. All his sister's and brother's DSs have had the snip (including the ones who live in the UK) and DH's mother is particular keeps asking when we will be getting our 3 DSs aged from 11 to 3 'done'.

I am English and don't agree with it. They can get it done themselves as adults if they really want to. I will not be putting them through unnecessary pain. DH has obviously been 'done' and thinks it is better from a hygiene pov but I disagree and have made it clear that I wont agree to it. They have that part for a reason!

We are on 'holiday' (not a holiday for the women) in DH's country now and they are all talking about the parties that have been held for other family member's DSs after being circumcised and telling us to have the DSs done now while we are here.

AIBU to tell them to shut up and not mention it to me again?

OP posts:

littlemog · 14/08/2013 15:23

And OP take care - I am not sure that I would let my boys out of my sight if I was you but maybe that is me being a bit melodramatic.

squoosh · 14/08/2013 15:23

Yes I'd agree with that littlemog.

ukatlast · 14/08/2013 15:28

Quote Hellsbellsmelons 'Cervical cancer is very rare in Jewish women for this exact reason.'

If true, am sure there could be many other reasons for this, also maybe derived from their religion such as - let me take a wild guess - not having many sexual partners.
Logically circumcision is unnecessary mutilation and all intelligent people should be able to see this fact - is there never to be any change in religious practices ever?

curlew · 14/08/2013 15:31

Nuns and other women who have very few sexual partners don't tend to get cervical cancer either. Which women with strong religious beliefs often don't.

lovestogarden · 14/08/2013 15:32

I would say that 'we' (ie you, hubby and the boys) don't agree with it, it is against your culture (which is just as important as their dads), and if it is brough up again, you're off-ski, and shan't be returning until the kids are adults.

I'm not sure where the OP is or what her family is like, so can't really advise on if the family is likely to organise a 'lovely trip to see Dr Smith' or work emotional blackmail on the kids ('you won't be a 'real' man unless...).

I don't like all this 'it's more hygenic' baloney. So men who haven't been bobbed are dirty germ-bags?

vtechjazz · 14/08/2013 15:45

OP, why not....just for us worriers on here, find out where the British embassy is, and have some taxi money in local currency about your person.

I blame watching 'not without my daughter' for my irrational worrying! But just in case......

OTTMummA · 14/08/2013 16:04

Yes, really if they kept going on about it and are''fanatical" I would be arranging a flight home ASAP very covertly!

zipzap · 14/08/2013 16:51

Another vote for keep very close eye on your sons and don't let them out of your sight, even if you don't think that they would do this, if they are fanatical they might and it's not something that can be undone

I was originally thinking that you were in this country so you could threaten them with assault and court if they did it without your consent. Would that work where you are or would the fact that it was so culturally prevalent mean that they would be more likely to support your PIL because they would all think that you should have had it done years ago?

I would also be talking to the children and in age appropriate terms, be warning them not to go off with the PIL alone. Particularly the eldest one - he's old enough to know what circumcision is and to say that he doesn't want it done and to make sure that he knows that you and your dh don't want him to have it done (in case the PIL say that you have asked them to arrange it specially as you are all back in dh's country or whatever) so he knows if anything should happen that he has your permission to kick out and scream out and resist as best he can.

For the younger ones maybe make sure that they know that no one should be pulling their trousers/pants down, especially if there are lots of people around.

Do your children consider themselves to be muslim, even culturally? Or do you or your dh consider them to be muslim? Sounds like you don't if your husband is strongly aethist. And what about your PIL - do they realise that their gc are not muslim - if they are fanatical what do they think about this? (sorry if too nosy!). Do you think they might be thinking that if they manage to get them circumcised then that might be the start of getting their gc to be more religious?

Doesn't sound like you're getting much of a holiday - I'd be tempted to be looking into changing your tickets and coming home asap!

Primafacie · 14/08/2013 17:14

YANBU, if you don't agree to it then that's your call. Ideally if you could come to a common view with your DH that'd be even better, but I think if parents hold opposing views on circumcision, then the parent who is against it should have the last say.

Could you be sneaky and say IF you are having it done, it would absolutely need to be performed in the UK, with pain relief, by a competent doctor? Do you think this could ease the pressure off for now?

It might give you time to think about a longer term strategy until your next trip :)

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 14/08/2013 18:37

Muslim boys are circumcised neither in their teens nor at 8 days after birth (that's Jewish)
Just saying

lovestogarden · 14/08/2013 18:57

I think older boys are done in other cultures (not muslim) as a rite of passage. Still not a patch on fgm, although horrific enough.

appletarts · 14/08/2013 19:01

This is a wind up

lovestogarden · 14/08/2013 19:34

Why do you think so?

Ericaequites · 14/08/2013 19:36

A friend's mother in law offered a $ 1000 savings bond for her grandsons if they were circumcised. When she had a granddaughter, she offered the bond if the parents agreed her ears would not be pierced until she was twelve. The two sons obeyed, but their mother is a tartar. And this woman is Catholic!

Methe · 14/08/2013 19:40

Agree with everyone who says

"tell them you don't agree with genital mutilation"

As that is exactly what it is.

monkeyfacegrace · 14/08/2013 19:43

My answer would go along the lines of fuck the fuck off you stupid bunch of cunts.
Then Id get on the soonest plane home, with the kids.in tow.

Hth.

MrsAmaretto · 14/08/2013 19:46

My son was 2 when he was circumcised & I would not recommend it! It was very sore and uncomfortable for a week afterwards and very traumatic for us as parents. The boy in the next bed was about 10-13 I guess and I found it heartbreaking listening (heard thru the clised curtain) to the questions & concerns he had for his parents & the surgeon.

It is not "a snip" it's an operation under general anaesthetic, and the "wound" looked pretty major to me (& I've had 2 c-sections, one that got infected and gaped open in 3 places!!)

My ds had it done for medical reasons as did my bil @ 35 (he had a HORRENDOUS time with his operation) and I doubt he'd recommend it either!!

3littlefrogs · 14/08/2013 19:47

This fixation with genital mutilation as part of religious persuasion is insane.

I have seen babies being circumcised when I worked in USA.

It is one of the reasons I came back to the UK.

In this day and age there is no excuse for barbaric, cruel and ignorant mutilation of children.

3littlefrogs · 14/08/2013 19:48

As a nurse, I have no problem with it being done for medical reasons BTW.

lovestogarden · 14/08/2013 19:52

A cousin had her baby circumcised (religious reasons) in the US at a few days old. Poor wee thing got a nasty infection.

A fried had it done (not a religious thing - he tore a bit off and..... You don't want details). It was the most painful thing ever, apparently.

There is no reason in this day and age for this to be done. My/DHs family didn't ask or even comment when DS was born. Even the religious ones. But they are lovely and sane.

Morloth · 15/08/2013 02:55

hellsbellsmelons 'I also much prefer a circumsised one to be honest.'

Your sexual preferences have no bearing on somebody else's body - especially when that person is not capable of consent.

My DH is circumcised, he is very angry about that.

Hell would freeze over before I allowed anyone to cut bits off my children without a valid medical reason. Both boys and girls.

It is bloody stupid and I don't care if it is cultural or religious, it is still bloody stupid and cruel and unnecessary.

Fucking hell how can people do this? Just what the actual fuck?

holidaysarenice · 15/08/2013 03:10

cervical cancer is very rare in jewish women for this reason

hellsbells do you have any evidence for that????

cantreachmytoes · 15/08/2013 06:39

Tell them God is wonderful and He made your sons and if He wanted them to have no foreskin, He wouldn't have given them one - and who are you or they to say that God's work is imperfect. Then smile sweetly whilst maintaining eye contact.

Your DH needs to stand up to them on this, but agree rather than direct confrontation (not culturally acceptable in many parts of the Muslim world), the "yes, yes, getting it done in the UK" might be a good line. Just don't give a time frame! And change the subject. But again, your DH needs to be 100% with you on them being YOUR children and its up to you when and how and where, not them.

And def don't leave them alone with any relatives apart from DH - or just come home. Less if a headache all round and no worries about your boys' penises being an issue for anyone!

dysfunctionallynormal · 17/08/2013 18:41

I feel for you. I come from a muslim background (im not muslim tho!) and can just imagine the pressure. Just tell them politely that you are not doing it and refuse to engage in any discussion.

My brother is a non practicing muslim and has two gorgeous sons with his english partner. He has refused to circumcise them as he thinks it is hypocritical. our parents respect their wishes and it doesn't affect their relationship with their gc. Your hubby is using hygeine ss an excuse. And he's being a hypocrit.

Are you bringing up your boys as muslims or free thinkers? I only ask because that is probably what they are trying to get you to do in a roundabout way. If they don't back off then just come home.

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